Girlfriend 18, left me for 43 year old guy!

[pl3asehelp]

What bothers me the most how it started. This guy just starts flirting her up at the place she works and she bites, when she's in a relationship? Why? That's disloyal in my eyes, regardless of age. I have no idea what's going on in her mind but I agree, she's got some issues going on.

 

I agree with you, but be aware there are people who don't share this point of view so it's something you need to talk over with a potential partner before agreeing to be exclusive. See this thread to see some examples of people who think it's totally ok to spend time with others who have a thing for you without even telling them you're in a relationship. In my opinion it's immature and would immediately disqualify someone from going out with me.

[Fudgie]

I agree with you, but be aware there are people who don't share this point of view so it's something you need to talk over with a potential partner before agreeing to be exclusive. See this thread to see some examples of people who think it's totally ok to spend time with others who have a thing for you without even telling them you're in a relationship. In my opinion it's immature and would immediately disqualify someone from going out with me.

 

Ohhh yeah, I've seen that thread. Gosh, that OP's gf is awful.

 

It is definitely immature and I wouldn't date someone who does that. It's a classic violation of the Golden Rule. People who do this would absolutely FREAK if their SO did the same, without exception.

 

I think OP (on this thread now) is finally seeing her true colours.

[jay1234]

Hey guys thanks for your posts. I know she is responsible for her own actions, but her decision was manipulated by him. It first started back in september. As i said my ex's mum sufferers from MS, and he constantly offered to do jobs for her mum around the house as her husband left. So, he got in her mums good books. Like i said he lives in her village, and goes down to the villages pub where she works every night. He's been there when i havn't. He must know every trick in the book. Alot of girls seek affection, and i know he probly swept her off her feet, as he knows all the strings to pull. She's vunrable, and the stuff shes been through in her life is pretty crazy. And i would say she has been brainwashed.

 

He first started to pretend to be that father figure, but his intentions were obvious, and she didnt listen to a word. Really makes me angry.

 

i hope see comes to her senses soon. He doesn't "love" her im sure, his intentions are obvious.

 

But what i dont understand is how this relationshop is going to work... It's not going to be like the relationship we had. Her mum disapproves, and there not going to be able to do the stuff that me and her used to do, without it looking just plain weird!!! I hope it comes crashing hard and fast just for her sake.

[jay1234]

It definatley has something to do with her dad leaving. And i wish her dad was still around or this would not have happened. Thats why i feel as if i should do something because i need to look out for her if her dads not around. And i always did. She promised me they were just friends, and she always told me if he had asked her to meet up ect... He's played a good game and won her over. * * * * ing * * * * head

[jay1234]

Why cant this freak just hit on girls his own age? freak! When hes gone though, she will have no-one. Her emotions have taken controll of her, and when the honeymoon stages wear off I hope see will see the bigger picture...

[Hollyj]

Why cant this freak just hit on girls his own age? freak! When hes gone though, she will have no-one. Her emotions have taken controll of her, and when the honeymoon stages wear off I hope see will see the bigger picture...

 

You are in such denial!

 

She did not do any thing she did not want to do. I know it's easier to make excuses and make him the bad guy, as it prevents you from acknowledging there were problems in your relationship. If she were happy, it wouldn't have happened! I am not trying to be cruel, but as long as you continue to bury your head in the sand, the harder this will be for you to deal with.

 

She left you for another man. She is an adult and made her own decision, I hope you will soon see the situation for what it is.

 

I guarantee that if you two get back together, it will happen again!

[Hollyj]

It definatley has something to do with her dad leaving. And i wish her dad was still around or this would not have happened. Thats why i feel as if i should do something because i need to look out for her if her dads not around. And i always did. She promised me they were just friends, and she always told me if he had asked her to meet up ect... He's played a good game and won her over. * * * * ing * * * * head

 

 

You are not her parent. Very controlling and co-dependent!!

[jay1234]

In no way am i trying to be her parent, im just looking out for her. i cant explain how amazing she was, and she had to mature early due to the things in her life. and she doesnt deserve to be used as a pupet for this older man. You must understand where im coming from, and you would feel the same if you were in my position. I've accepted the situation, and now im getting over it and looking out for myself and working on my self. It would have been 6 weeks this monday.

 

Having space from her has been a good thing even though it's hard. I know it will take some time, but i will come out stronger on the other side, and i will look good and would have earned respect. Sorry if i sound like a child, im not trying to be controlling i just know in my heart that she has bad a bad mistake. Not leaving me, but what shes getting herself into. The more i stay out of this situation the better.

[jay1234]

I know I'm in denial, and she made her own decision. All im doing is giving you the story from my point of view. There obviously was problems within our relationship, but these problems only occurred once this bloke has entered the picture. All i can say is that i did everything i could have done. I told her how i feel and what this guys intentions are, and she didnt listen and feel for this guy.

 

All im saying is that he's the one who made the first move, and she probably did do some 'innocent flirting' to start with, and without realising did suddenly fall for this guy emotionally. But, he knew exactly what to do to pull her strings. I'm really not defending her, i know what shes done and shes ripped my heart in half.

 

Better sooner than later i guess, if it wasnt this guy it probably would have been somebody else.

[Hollyj]

Yes. Please take her off her pedestal and see her for who she is.

 

I know you have history and you love her very much, but she really screwed you over. This has to do with character, this girl did not care about the relationship or how much she would hurt you.

 

You need to pull him out of the equation, he was not having the relationship with you. She is solely responsible! Did he even know about you?

[Hollyj]

Yes you are!

 

You are not in a relationship. You need to back off! This is very controlling behavior!

 

If someone left me for another, I can guarantee I would not feel the same. I would feel very betrayed. I don't have time for people that would treat me so poorly.

[jay1234]

He did know about me, but i have never met him face to face. But i know if i would have i would have told him to back off and probably punched him lol. But, i dont think this would have made a difference to how things turned out anyway.

 

The thing is me and her in the first two years of out relationship were together almost every day, as we were both at college for two years. We did everything together.

 

This year i started art college and my ex started working full time at this pub. So we didnt spend as much time together as we used to. Basically this guy was there when i havnt been, and even is she would have told him to back off herself, she couldnt have really gotten away from him.

[jay1234]

I have completely backed off and im not speaking to her, ive already told her how i feel and nothing i say or do will change anything i dont think, it will just make things worse.

 

And i dont feel the same really, obviously i still love her in a way, but i think maybe im just still atached to her if you know what i mean. I do feel betrayed, and I have been betrayed and taken for a fool. And it just makes me feel worthless.

 

Im pround of myself for going to her house and hearing the truth from her mouth and it took me alot of courage but it was the best thing to do in my opinion. But the truth does hurt.

[Hollyj]

He did know about me, but i have never met him face to face. But i know if i would have i would have told him to back off and probably punched him lol. But, i dont think this would have made a difference to how things turned out anyway.

 

The thing is me and her in the first two years of out relationship were together almost every day, as we were both at college for two years. We did everything together.

 

This year i started art college and my ex started working full time at this pub. So we didnt spend as much time together as we used to. Basically this guy was there when i havnt been, and even is she would have told him to back off herself, she couldnt have really gotten away from him.

 

Yeah. But, she choose to have a relationship with him. Please stop making excuses.

[Hollyj]

I have completely backed off and im not speaking to her, ive already told her how i feel and nothing i say or do will change anything i dont think, it will just make things worse.

 

And i dont feel the same really, obviously i still love her in a way, but i think maybe im just still atached to her if you know what i mean. I do feel betrayed, and I have been betrayed and taken for a fool. And it just makes me feel worthless.

 

Im pround of myself for going to her house and hearing the truth from her mouth and it took me alot of courage but it was the best thing to do in my opinion. But the truth does hurt.

 

I know it sounds cliche, but time is the best healer.

 

Please get out with your friends and keep yourself busy. It helps.

[jay1234]

I do completely agree with you. Im just trying to look at it from both sides.

[jay1234]

Thanks, thats what others have told me aswell. 6 weeks ago we broke up, but only two weeks ago did i find out the truth. This was a set back, but in the long run will help me move on quicker i think. I've started doing weights and just keeping my self busy whenever i can really. It's when your on your own and bored that you start to think about things. Sounds horible, but i really do hope she learns the hard way.

[Hollyj]

Her loss! Find someone who will appreciate you!

 

Please give yourself long break from a new relationship, as it would be unfair to bring your baggage into a new relationship.

[Deciduous]

You are in such denial!

 

She did not do any thing she did not want to do. I know it's easier to make excuses and make him the bad guy, as it prevents you from acknowledging there were problems in your relationship. If she were happy, it wouldn't have happened! I am not trying to be cruel, but as long as you continue to bury your head in the sand, the harder this will be for you to deal with.

 

She left you for another man. She is an adult and made her own decision, I hope you will soon see the situation for what it is.

 

I guarantee that if you two get back together, it will happen again!

 

 

Easy there, Hollyj,

 

No need to go berserk! The OP is only trying to work through his feelings. A fairly natural and necessary process. It isn't for you to dictate what stage he should be at.

 

Speaking of "controlling," stop frog marching him towards your vantage point. Now that is controlling. We are only six weeks in.

 

This is a process he is going through. He is bang on schedule, right now.

 

If you want to offer advice, then do so. A little less of the "Three line whips"

 

Deci

[Hollyj]

Easy there, Hollyj,

 

No need to go berserk! The OP is only trying to work through his feelings. A fairly natural and necessary process. It isn't for you to dictate what stage he should be at.

 

Speaking of "controlling," stop frog marching him towards your vantage point. Now that is controlling. We are only six weeks in.

 

This is a process he is going through. He is bang on schedule, right now.

 

If you want to offer advice, then do so. A little less of the "Three line whips"

 

Deci

 

I could say the same for you! I would hardly say I was going berserk.

 

I was reiterating what everyone else said. Curious, would you defend your ex after leaving you for another woman??

[Fudgie]

I actually really liked what Hollyj had to say. It's not OP's fault at all that she left, because I felt it was wrong of her to be flirting with a guy while in a relationship, but I think OP needed a little "tough love" from responders because I think he's hurting and placing her on a pedestal. And he needs to see that she's clearly no prize and he should move on from her, not blame himself, etc. The older guy isn't the bad guy here, the girl is clearly in the wrong because she was flirting with him!

 

I disagree with the "if she were happy, she wouldn't have done it" though. If she were unhappy and loyal, she would have left him sooner or tried to work it out. But instead, she goes for someone else while in a relationship.

[meoww]

I think you are right, she is probably going to be totally grossed out when she realizes she has wasted her youth on a creepy guy who prefers docile and immature women. but who knows, maybe it's love. I think it's natural to find this situation distasteful but like others have said, you must give her the benefit of the adult and treat her as someone who can make her own decisions.

 

sure, she may be distraught when she realizes what she has done--and this has happened to me, but it made me stronger and less likely to put up with this kind of bs in the future. Manipulators come in all shapes and sizes, not to mention ages.

 

Maybe you only like her because she is young and beautiful now, but someday she's going to get old too. Just chill out and find a new girlfriend--you have a lot of great choices and there really is a possibility you'll meet someone who exceeds your expectations.

 

Every time I fall in love I think I'll never meet anyone I love so much, and I am proved wrong every time a relationship fails and I experience a new love. Maybe it's not the same, but it's different and I'd say better on all levels.

 

maybe you can try to talk it out with her if it really means that much to you, but remember that people do weird things even if they love their partner. Sometimes it's not the lack of love that kills a relationship, it's the experiences you create together that can tear you apart if you aren't careful. This is a bad situation and it's going to take time to recover from this even if things miraculously work out.

[Deciduous]

You are not her parent. Very controlling and co-dependent!!

 

I entirely take your point Fudgie and agree with you. However calling the OP " a very controlling co-dependent." tends to be rather unproductive in the therapeutic process. Not a technique I see a lot of in therapist's office. It's not what hollyj is saying, it is the way she has chosen to express herself.

 

"Meow" above seems to be saying the same thing but there is a lot less of the "You are's" "You musts" and "you shoulds"

 

Do you see what I am driving at? Very often we forget that there is a person at the end of the line in a great deal of pain. They are doing their best. Tough love should not consist of "hitting some-one over the head with our "help."

 

I've said it once and I will say it again. This a process. The OP is working through his feelings at his pace. If a responder feels their frustration levels rising at that pace, then they really shouldn't be responding to this post.

 

Again I will say it. The OP is six weeks in. He is at a "stage" which is bang on target for him.

 

Deci

[jay1234]

When the honeymoon stage starts to run its course i think something inside her might start to say, "what am i doing"? But who knows. The age gap is so big, and hes been there and done that, and know settled down and obviously has a job. Me and her are both at crucial stages of our lives.

 

We will both be stronger on in the long run. In a way im kind of pleased this has happened to me now, rather than later. Having time out for myself is going to be good.

 

And I did try talking to her, but she didn't listen to a word and she was immuture about the whole situation. Like i said their in the honeymoon stage atm, so anything anyone one says is going to be ignored. Im going to stay no contact for now, as i dont want to speak to her. Maybe in a couple of months i may try talking to her again face to face, we'll see what happens...

[jay1234]

haha cheers for sticking up for me . But thankyou everyone for your comments.

 

I understand what everybody is saying. Yeah I'm only 6 weeks in so far, and no contact for 2 weeks (which feels good!).

 

Although i know alot of you have probably been in simular situations, nobodys is the same.

 

I think if you all knew my ex like i did then you would be seeing this from my point of view. I wish i could have explained every little detail about what happened, but I've kept this story short and sweet. There is alot of other things that happened, little things such as this guy inviting my ex over for cups of tea ect. If you lot want to know more then just ask. i wish i could have explained the situation clearer, but i know where you are all coming from. if i read this story, then i would be saying exactly the same stuff as you lot are.

 

My ex did flirt with this guy, but i know she didnt intentionally. she had no friends, and this guy took a shine for her. She always told me if this guy had asked her over, and she never kept anything from me. I think she was easily lead, he knew what strings to pull. She is an adult, so she can make her own decisions. I havn't tried to perswade her to get back with me really, I've talked to her as if I was her Dad if you know what i mean and obviously told her how much i love her and care about her. I've always been there for her in a way that her Dad would have, keeping an eye out, and protecting her.

 

If i could meet you lot face to face and talk to you would be so much easier aha. But cheers guys, i really appreciate everything.