jay1234 Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 Hi everybody! Have been reading through this forum and searching all over the internet for help and advice, but I cannot find anything simular to my situation! Basically me and my ex girlfriend had been together for 3 years strong since we were both 15. She was my first true love, and were both pure to eachother if you know what I mean. This girl means the world to me, and not only did I love her she was my bestfriend, and we shared and did everything together. Im going to keep this short, but bascially this bloke whos 43 moved into her village last septemeber (mr. flash). He built his own house ect. Where my girlfriend works in the local pub, he goes down there every night as hes friendly with the owners. He got talking to my girlfriend, and i knew his intetnions straight away. I found texts on her phone back in October where he was calling her "hunnie" and leaving her about 5 "x's" on the end of each text. I said to her that I'm not comftable with the way in which hes speaking to her, and she understood and explained how sorry she was. I wanted to go down to his house and tell his to back off, but i didnt because i respected her and i wanted to to have friends ( we both sacrificed all our friends for eachother ). So i wanted her to socialise a bit more really. So i let this go anyway, as she said she would stop seeing him and speaking to him. But obviously he lives in the same village as her, about 30 seconds walking distance and goes down to the pub every night where she works every night, so even if she wanted to get away from him she couldn't really. My ex's dad left the house about a year ago after leaving for another women, and my ex's mum suffers from MS. So she has to look after her mum quite alot, and I was always there to support the both of them (ex and her mum). This guy managed to weave him self into their house, offering to do jobs for her mum to give a good impression. Till this day I have never met this guy, but i have drove past him so i know what he looks like. But never once did he ask to meet me. Anyway, my ex's mum ended up inviting this guy over for christmas dinner, because he had given her the sob story saying: " my wifes left me, and i have no one anymore". And it worked. In the end i said to my ex, you either tell this guy to f off, or I'm leaving. She met up with him late decemeber, and apparntly told him that they can't see eachother anymore, thats what she told me. And this guy said that he knew this was coming. ( but i honestly think this guy then told my ex how he feels about her, and god knows what else ). Anyway, 5 weeks ago i got a phone call saying that were over. She didn't say that it was becuase of this guy, she just said things wern't the same anymore. I tried to explain and talk to her but she didn't listen. She said that we would just fall back into the same pattern of not caring about eachother if we got back together. But our relationship only started to go downhill in the last month before the breakup because she wasnt acting the same around me. To be honest i was so paranoid about this 43 year bloke becuase i knew what he was doing all along. He's a snake, and he wrigled himself between me and my ex and managed to break us up. He achieved this through experience and taking advantage of a vunrable, young girl. I freaked out completed when she broke up with me, but it didnt occur to me that it was because of this guy till about 2 weeks after we broke up. For the first 2 weeks i was blaming my self, and convinced my self that i had done something wrong. 4 weeks after the breakup i turned up at her house to find out the truth, and i had to do this to able me to move on myself. She told me she had feelings for him in the end. And to be honest i knew this, i just had to hear it from her. The thing is this whole situation is completely wrong. If the guy was my age (1 i would be able to understand this alot better, but its because hes 43. He's taken complete advantage of her, and i know hes swept her off her feet by buying her gifts ect. And due to experience, hes know exactly what to do to achieve this, and he's won. I've tried talking to her to to warm her, and i know her family has but she wont listen to anyone. Her mum cant do much becuase shes not physically able to. He's completely brainwased her, and has managed to break up something that was so special between me and my ex. i know it takes two to tango, but i know hes pushed her into this decision by using techniques which hes learnt from experience. This guys the same age as her dad FFS!!! So obviously she must of had feelings for this bloke before we broke up, and went straight into a relationship with him when we broke up. So im guessing its a 'Rebound relationship'? I can not explain how angry i am about this whole situation. I was going to go to this guys house and smash him up, but ive held back as i know it will just make things worse. And if her dad was still around he would have gone over to this guys house and told him to f off months ago! I just cant believe I've let this happen under my nose, and i feel like a fool. I reacted bad to this whole situation and text her telling her whats happeneing and how i feel about it. (I know if anyone else was my position they would have done exactly the same) She text me a few days ago saying that she feels awful, and she sorry and we can still be friends. But i havnt text her back and i think its a good idea to stick with N/C till she contacts me again? I really dont know. I wrote my ex a letter a week after the break up, not asking for her back but telling her how i feel, and just some good memories we've had in the past. I'm just pleased i didnt drop flowers off at her house everyday to try and win her back and all that other stuff. Right now I'm just playing it cool and working on myself. Having space from her has allowed me to think about the past. We both stayed humble to eacher other the whole relationship, and i always went out to night clubs, and never once did i ever cheat or kiss another girl. I knew she was the one, and o respected her. It's just she not the type of girl to do something like this, and works full time in the same village where she lives, and doesnt have any friends except me and people who work down her pub. She very intelegent and quite, and shes the one girl i thought was different to everyother. I guess not! What do you guys advise me to do??? I know she will have to learn the hard way now as shes not listerning to anybody. Thanks for your time. If you need anymore info in order for you to give me better advice, just ask! Link to comment
chitown9 Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 Jay, the truth is that here is really nothing that you can do but sit back and let things just take their course. Just stay clear of the both of them and live your life. That is all you can do. chi Link to comment
jay1234 Posted February 24, 2012 Author Share Posted February 24, 2012 Alright Chi. Cheers for the heads up man. Yeah I'm just playing it cool, as i know theres nothing i can do really. I hope reality hits her sooner of later. Link to comment
tmtex Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 When she comes back say get lost Link to comment
jay1234 Posted February 24, 2012 Author Share Posted February 24, 2012 Think theres a good chance that she'll come back? The thing is if she does finish with this guy, then she will have no one else except me tbh (not being big-headed, we only really had eachother in the first place). So i guess theres a good chance she could, but just depends if she has the guts to if you know what i mean. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 I think you need to put half of this on her. She was not taken advantage of, she made an active choice to leave you for another. Please see this. If you two do get back together, i can guarantee she would do it again. Also, really bad idea to make your entire lives about one another. Not healthy, and now you don't have your friends. Link to comment
jay1234 Posted February 24, 2012 Author Share Posted February 24, 2012 Yeah i realise that it takes two to tango, but i know she didnt make the first move and i know she didnt do this intentally. like i said she vunrable. im not defending her i just care about her and i know shes going to get hurt. like i said i think she will learn the hard way. and luckly ive kept contact with a couple of my close friends who live down the road from me, even though i would class her as my best friend. so atleast they are there for me i guess. thanks for your reply Link to comment
22n32 Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 she will be back with time.. but the damage has been done. i wouldnt ever take her back.. her true colors came out and its not pretty.. sorry man.. keep ur head up high and u will prevail in the end.. just stay strong.. Link to comment
Scuza Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 she will be back with time.. but the damage has been done. i wouldnt ever take her back.. her true colors came out and its not pretty.. sorry man.. keep ur head up high and u will prevail in the end.. just stay strong.. I agree completely. She showed the side of her you hadn't seen yet, and it is ugly. To be honest, this 43 year old guy hitting on an 18 year old girl is creepy... There's no way I'm the only one thinking this... Link to comment
jay1234 Posted February 24, 2012 Author Share Posted February 24, 2012 Damage sure has been done. I dont think it could have been any worse tbh. Would you class this as a rebound? Thanks for ur reply Link to comment
jay1234 Posted February 24, 2012 Author Share Posted February 24, 2012 I know, its completely messed up, and even though she is over 16, this guy is still as pedofile in my eyes. Thats what makes me so angry. Shes so vunrable due to her circumstances at home with her mum and dad ect, and i know that this guy came into the story pretending to be that "father figure". I just wish she would listen. I would love punch this bloke, but i know right now is not the right time and it will make things even worse. I was thinking about telling her dad whats going on, but again I dont know if its the right thing to do. I spoke to my ex's older sister the other day and she said she knows somebody who went out with him and apperntly hes a werido ( which is pretty obvious). I know that shes keeping this relationship a secret, because she knows people would noy approve if they knew. I really dont know what to do!!?? Link to comment
jay1234 Posted February 24, 2012 Author Share Posted February 24, 2012 Theres at 25 year age gap FFS! and to be honest she is still a "child"/ "young adult". She is not psychologically ready for a relationship like this. Sorry for my poor spelling Link to comment
22n32 Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 I think its more of an oppurtunity then it is a rebound for her... Link to comment
Hollyj Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 Damage sure has been done. I dont think it could have been any worse tbh. Would you class this as a rebound? Thanks for ur reply No she was already emotionally involved with this man before she left your relationship. I think it is sometimes easier to blame a third party than admitting that there were problems within your relationship. If the relationship had been strong, this wouldn't have happened. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 You should not tell anyone and it is time you back off. You are no longer a part of her life. Link to comment
jay1234 Posted February 24, 2012 Author Share Posted February 24, 2012 okay cheers guys. well i cant beat myself up about it then i guess. atleast i can say to myself that i didnt do anything wrong. in my eyes our relationship was strong, but obviously not in hers towards the end. i know this relationship will not last, its impossible. and i know in time when the honeymoon stages wear off she will miss things about me that this guy will not be able to present her with. as i have the advantage really, 3 years of memories. makes me feel sick tbh lol. you never think something like this would happen to you until it does. only time will tell what happens Link to comment
Fudgie Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 You didn't do anything wrong here. This is all her. She wasn't "Taken advantage of". She is an adult. She made a choice to basically get entangled with this guy. As for it lasting, who knows? I was with a guy 38 years older for a long time. But does that really matter? She basically got close to this guy when she was with you, and then got with him later. She's kind of shady, IMO. Would you take her back? Her loss really. Please don't blame yourself. I'm sorry that this happened to you. This is very sad. Link to comment
jay1234 Posted February 24, 2012 Author Share Posted February 24, 2012 Thats a good point. Yeah it really is shandy. I cant explain enough how she was 'not the kind of girl' to do something like this. Its mad lol. I guess its the quite ones you've gotta keep an eye on. I dont think she could have got over me completely though, and i think rushing into this relationship keeps her mind of things. So in a way thats the only way i would link it to a rebound dont you think? Like i said, i think when the honeymoon stages wear off theres a chance she might start to miss me, but you never know! As for taking her back... My heart would ( as i still do love her atm, but cant help that), but my head says no. Link to comment
jay1234 Posted February 24, 2012 Author Share Posted February 24, 2012 Would you all suggest no-contact is the route to take for now? And i guess wait till she contacts me again? Maybe we could get back together in the future, but only time will tell Link to comment
Hollyj Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 This is not a rebound. She had her sights on this guy before you split. She has a boyfriend! Why would you be in contact with her? The sooner you accept this situation, the easier it will be to recover. I know you love her, but she left a long-term relationship for another man. She is not trustworthy. I guess you will have to wait for it to happen again, then you will see her for who she is. Time to take off the blinders!!!!! Link to comment
duke nukem Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 Rebound or not (because no one can actually say without a doubt), it doesn't really matter now. No contact. It does get better trust me and all the other parrots who squawk "No contact!". Link to comment
dumPI Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 18/43 ... makes my ex & me 18/31 look more paired in our ages! LOL! I second that she was not taken advantage of. She surely responded to flirting otherwise feelings don't develop. Maybe she do it without knowing how far it would take her and then it was too late. Back off and let them crash together. Link to comment
dumPI Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 You didn't do anything wrong here. This is all her. She wasn't "Taken advantage of". She is an adult. She made a choice to basically get entangled with this guy. As for it lasting, who knows? I was with a guy 38 years older for a long time. But does that really matter? She basically got close to this guy when she was with you, and then got with him later. She's kind of shady, IMO. Would you take her back? Her loss really. Please don't blame yourself. I'm sorry that this happened to you. This is very sad. wow ... how did it start?! I'm just curious! Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 Gross. Realize that she is responsible here. Not every 18 year old buddies up to and old man and then starts dating him - she has to have some major problems to do that and you're definitely better off. She's definitely been manipulated by and will continue to be, but she is still responsible. Most 18 year olds would be completely grossed out by the thought of this so much so it would never even have a chance to start - why not her? Link to comment
Fudgie Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 wow ... how did it start?! I'm just curious! Met on an online dating site. He was in my homestate. I was single, he had been divorced for a long time. I used to date older men so at the time, I was definitely open to it. I didn't dump a boyfriend to get with him though like OP's gf. Gross. Realize that she is responsible here. Not every 18 year old buddies up to and old man and then starts dating him - she has to have some major problems to do that and you're definitely better off. She's definitely been manipulated by and will continue to be, but she is still responsible. Most 18 year olds would be completely grossed out by the thought of this so much so it would never even have a chance to start - why not her? What bothers me the most how it started. This guy just starts flirting her up at the place she works and she bites, when she's in a relationship? Why? That's disloyal in my eyes, regardless of age. I have no idea what's going on in her mind but I agree, she's got some issues going on. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.