No gift on christmas, or v-day and it's eating at me

[livelarge]

Don't expect more than what a person is willing to give.

 

But if the person isn't willing to give anything, feel free to walk away.

 

I don't think you were wrong discussing his feelings about the matter. It bothered you and you brought it up. The fact that it upset her doesn't make it wrong to bring it up remember that you were upset as well. Her crying doesn't trump your hurt feelings. It just hit a nerve with her, hopefully the nerve that will make her realize that she hurt you.

 

It sounds as if you both agreed to give gifts of under $20 and she gave nothing. For me, that's not about the gift, but about keeping your word. She didn't keep her word. And for me, that would make me trust her less.

[pl3asehelp]

Movies may not be models for real life, but I agree that they can definitely offer some good examples.

 

Examples of how to set yourself up for disappointment. Why not exercise your critical thinking skills and do what you think is right rather than regurgitate what a Hollywood conglomerate decided to show you to get you to pay for a ticket?

[gluestick]

I don't think the OP is unreasonable. Relationships should to be fair and equal where both partners reciprocate love and affection. It should not be one partner giving all the time, while the other one takes (that pertains to both the emotional and material aspects of the relationship).

 

From how you described your relationship thus far, I get the sense that she isn't really invested in this relationship. I agree with previous posters that her excuse was a cop out. If you care about someone, you'd do little things to show your love. It doesn't have to involve money. Like how she hand wrote a birthday note to her friend, she could've done the same for you. Sometimes, if you give too much too soon, you tend to be taken for granted. Stop showering her with grand romantic gestures.

 

One of my friends dated this guy a few years ago for 1 year. He never gave her any gifts, whether it's for Christmas, Valentine's day, or her actual birthday. Basically she wasn't important in his life, and it showed in his actions (or lack of...). Don't be like her. Find someone who's worth your love and efforts instead.

[blackwings]

I just want to point out, that feeling valued by being given sentimental gifts and tokens of appreciation is NOT being greedy. It is one of the 5 languages of love. You simply see giving gifts and doing nice gestures for someone as a way of showing someone that you really care about them, which is why you do it for her and why feel unappreciated when she does not do the same thing for you. I don't see anything wrong with explaining the way you feel to her, and don't get why people are putting you down for it. If it were the other way around, and you were a girl talking about you do all these nice things for your bf and he never does anything for you, everyone would be telling you to dump him and that you're not his top priority, ect. ect. Which is also bull. Now that you've made your point, the ball's in her court. Yes, giving you gifts now will probably be just because you expect it or she didn't think about it, but at least she'd care enough to try right? And if it doesn't last and your needs simply aren't being met by this relationship, then move on.

[ParisPaulette]

If neither of you were into the holidays it would be a mutual thing and that's fine. But if you get her cards and gifts for these holidays then it's just good manners for her to reciprocate even if it's to tell you that cash is tight, but she can still at least send a card and get something inexpensive. Gift giving and getting or card giving and getting are really simply signs or tokens that you are thinking of someone and showing affection. And yes it is the thought that counts.

 

The nicest gift I've gotten so far from my current boyfriend is a tiny pink flashlight on a key chain for Valentine's Day that he gave me after he heard my car had broken down on a dark side street and I couldn't see a thing and had been scared out of my head. I thought it was the sweetest gesture, because it showed he was thinking of me even though it wasn't expensive. I'd already told him I hate getting flowers or chocolates and expensive crap, since I'm not much of a Valentine person. But the gift was so thoughtful and sweet and it showed that he pays attention to me and what I'm saying. In short, I matter to him, which is what I think your larger issue is with your girlfriend. I understand it's not about getting goodies so much as it that you want to know you matter to her. And yes, she does need to step up to the plate and do that for you the same way you do it for her. It's called having an equal and reciprocating relationship and good manners.

 

Besides you both having this conversation:

A week before Valentine's Day she told me how her younger brother wasn't getting his girlfriend a card and how wrong that was. I then told her how you HAVE to do something on Valentine's day even if it's a very small thing just to show appreciation for the other person.

tells me that she knew how you felt and that she knew the holiday was coming up. So she has zero excuse for not at least wishing you a happy Valentine's Day.

[Tom1990]

This one time, my gf was sad, so I bought her a book she always wanted. She hugged the book when I gave it to her. She said quite honestly that she didn't know how to react. I said it's all good, that I'm a present person and she's not. I was quite well prepared for V-Day, when I bought her something and took her to dinner, and she didn't get me anything.

 

Some people just aren't wired that way. I am, and you are, but our gfs aren't. Different sentiments are applied to romantic partners than friends, so it is natural for her to not even consider giving you a handmade card. That may be something she does for people in her friendzone.

[LostnConfused]

So she wrote me an email the following day because telling me her feelings because she is so bad at speaking about them to me. The email was a little bitter, but outlined that she would do anything to make me happy. I wrote her back and apologized for being less than understanding about her busy schedule.

 

That night she was studying late at her university so I dropped off some snacks for her, since I felt kind of bad about the whole thing, but she had this look of guilt and remorse in her face when I saw her. The next day she came to see me with a whole bunch of allergy free chocolates, since I'm allergic to everything and I've been hunting for some for months now. She told me that when she finished her term project she'd come and make me allergy free cookies. I feel kind of bad that she went out of her way to buy me anything. I don't need things bought for me, I can afford everything I need or want myself. I get that she's on a student budget, so all I really need is some form of token of affection and it doesn't have to cost anything.

 

I think this has been resolved for now. We'll have to see when the next occasion comes up.

[Emmalin]

I understand why your feelings were a little hurt; I wonder if she's maybe over-reacting a little? It doesn't sound like you were questioning the relationship or anything, she doesn't need to refuse to see you until she's done with your gifts. Gestures are not enough to sustain a bad relationship, but they're very nice in a good relationship! Let her know it's not really that big a deal. At least you told her it bothered you. A lot of people would have kept mum, thinking "oh, this shouldn't matter to me," etc) and would have continued being hurt every time a holiday came around and they didn't get the piece of paper that says "I Love You."

 

edited to add: If ever she brings up something that seems trivial to you but is important to her, try to keep this in mind.

[The_Seeker]

WHOA, SERIOUSLY???? WHERE DO GUYS LIKE YOU COME FROM?

 

She sounds like my first ex. I'm so glad it ended. I felt like I was putting more into the relationship. I realize I was just being a trophy to him instead of wanting to be with me. Same with the second ex.

 

So LostnConfused, don't put too much effort or else you'll be frustrated. VERY FRUSTRATED. I know people say that you can't buy love blah blah blah or whatever.

 

But to be honest, it sounds like you want to be appreciated and pay attention to just a little bit. There's no harm wanting what you want. So if she's not giving you what you want and need a relationship, either talk to her about it or really move on fast.

 

I don't care how BUSY a person can be, they can still make time for you. Either shoot you a text or a surprise. It does not hurt to take 5 minutes to do something. I realize I've done that a lot to my family, especially my parents. Telling them I'm busy when all they wanted was a little attention and love for 5 minutes. If I can surf the internet, I can definitely take 5 minutes out of time to talk to them.

 

People make excuses to make themselves feel better or feel less guilty like I did, which makes me realize that I am becoming like those people who act like they don't care. So I'm trying to change that. No more excuses.

[SpottiOtti]

Is the issue here really that she didn't get you anything, or is the issue that you put an unrealistic amount of time and effort into this relationship?

 

All of your gift-giving and paying for stuff all the time and taking her on a cruise, bringing her snacks while she is studying, etc., may have less to do with how you feel about her or about the relationship than you might think, upon introspection. It's been my experience that people who behave in these ways are more concerned with being abandoned by their partner, or with setting up the relationship to fulfill all of their emotional needs, or with some other idiosyncratic belief or emotion regarding what it means to be in a relationship.

 

Sometimes our attitudes toward ourselves in a relationship and toward the relationship itself are not good for us. Of course, what i wrote is speculation because I don't truly know the ins and outs of your relationship. But maybe it would be helpful for you to do a little soul-searching about this issue?

 

Good luck. Sounds like you have a lot of love to give. Just make sure you save some love for yourself!

[Ms Darcy]

I don't really see this as a reciprocal partnership and she seems like a bit of a brat given her last letter. If I were you, I would pull back on the gifts and either stop asking her to dinner or start asking her to contribute to the cost of eating out. You are spending a lot with no attempt to reciprocate.

[LostnConfused]

@The_Seeker Lol I come from.... Canada?

 

@SpottiOtti A valid point, thanks I'll consider that possibility.

 

@Ms Darcy I don't think I'm ready to break it off when she's trying her best to be receptive now. I'll just have to see how it goes.

[figur]

Just a thought, but maybe she's getting used to being lavishly treated by a man and doesn't expect to give back similarly as a woman? I wouldn't say that quite means she views you as a sugar daddy, but it may mean that she didn't really understand that you expected reciprocating gifts.

[The_Seeker]

@The_Seeker Lol I come from.... Canada?

 

@SpottiOtti A valid point, thanks I'll consider that possibility.

 

@Ms Darcy I don't think I'm ready to break it off when she's trying her best to be receptive now. I'll just have to see how it goes.

 

Okay, if I ever become single again, I will wish for Christmas to get a boyfriend from Canada or move to Canada.

 

Thanks for the info!

[markagain]

To the OP: I have some experience with this (my last two relationships, the latter of which just ended essentially for this reason). I'm also a giver like you (but not pathetic or willing to be taken for granted, as some may assume).

 

I don't want to extrapolate too much from the limited info you've provided. But, generalizing, I think people like this seem to live for themselves and lack the ability to think outwardly or to put themselves in the mind/heart of another.

 

I've spoken to a psychologist about this issue because, like you, I don't want to overreact and blow a potentially great relationship and the advice has always been "people are different, chill out, and hope she becomes more loving/expressive over time." I think that's a nice sentiment but, having followed it a bit, I honestly think it's horsesh&*t (and the psychologist is older and without a great relationship). You've no doubt dated other people who are thoughtful / considerate. You know what that's like. You need that and it's a reasonable need. You aren't looking for an flat screen, you're looking to feel loved and appreciated. That's completely normal.

 

Anyhow, inartful writing by me (it's late now) but I think that even if you get through this particular hurdle this issue is going to raise it's head again if not with cards/gifts than with other forms of thoughtlessness and/or inconsideration. I don't think a thoughtful guy like you will ever be happy in that kind of relationship. I hope I'm wrong.

[cbzfmoc]

OP, your girlfriend sounds like a lot like I was in my first relationship. My guy would do a lot of nice things for me, and I didn't reciprocate. This will probably sound really stupid but I didn't get what I was supposed to "do" in a relationship yet. I didn't really know how to be a good girlfriend. When he confronted me about it I kind of freaked out b/c I wasn't even conscious of what I wasn't doing. Seems ridiculous now thinking back on how I used to be haha. Now I do nice things for my bf all the time.

 

Maybe your girlfriend feels like I did?

[CatchersRye]

Don't worry about it. She does seem to be receptive now and as the person above says, she just may not know what to do in a relationship.

 

I know when I was in school, it's easy to be around people in the same classes as you. But when you have to decide between school and friends, you need to be supported in your goals. I've never been in a relationship when I was a student, so I wouldn't know of any solutions. But talk to her about how you feel (especially point out how you feel she is being receptive now).

 

Let her know, that she can do little things like texts, emails, phone calls, letters, etc. To let you know you are in her thoughts. And maybe, if possible, just spend time with her during lunch or dinner. It doesn't have to be at a restaurant it could be just home cooking. Or delivery.

 

You just have to work with the schedules you both have.

[Natasha24]

I don't think you were out of line to talk to her about this, but I also don't think she did anything wrong by not giving you gifts. (As wrong as it is,) some girls just grow up with the idea that they don't need to be romantic to their boyfriend, or maybe she just doesn't care too much for that kind of thing. I never really cared for the idea of Valentine's Day/anniversaries, etc., so I never thought to give my fiance any of those gifts since I never wanted them in return.

 

You say you buy her flowers and open doors for her, but she does nothing in return. Are you sure? I know there are a lot of things I do for my fiance that he might not see as signs of affection (winkwink) but I do them because I know he appreciates it.

[Lansing]

With my EX I also felt I was unappreciated. My female friends would give me more considerate birthday gifts than her (she didn't even give me a note/card which I was hoping for most as she didn't verbalize her feelings much). Anyway, I raised it a few times with her that I felt she didn't appreciate me. In the end, she did nothing to change her actions so I started closing down and pulling away from her in an attempt to keep the relationship more casual.

 

I think it is good that you raised the issue with her otherwise if you let it build up over time it will annoy/frustrate you.

[LostnConfused]

OP, your girlfriend sounds like a lot like I was in my first relationship. My guy would do a lot of nice things for me, and I didn't reciprocate. This will probably sound really stupid but I didn't get what I was supposed to "do" in a relationship yet. I didn't really know how to be a good girlfriend. When he confronted me about it I kind of freaked out b/c I wasn't even conscious of what I wasn't doing. Seems ridiculous now thinking back on how I used to be haha. Now I do nice things for my bf all the time.

 

Maybe your girlfriend feels like I did?

 

I think you hit the nail on the head with this one. This is her first relationship as well!

 

@CatchersRye Thanks! I think we can do that.

 

@Natasha24 well of the winkwink variety, you might be right I should reconsider some of this then.

 

@Lansing Yah, I think if I said nothing it would of doomed our relationship.