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No gift on christmas, or v-day and it's eating at me


LostnConfused

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I never received a present, card or anything from my girlfriend or Christmas on Valentine's day. I would of been happy with a piece of paper that said I love you, but I didn't receive even that. I recently discussed this with my girlfriend and she started crying because, "she felt like the worst girlfriend ever". I understand that she's busy with university, but I appreciate tokens like this because I believe I shower her with attention, and I've always been over the top with romantic gestures.

 

When I asked her to be my girlfriend it was on a night cruise overlooking the city skyline at dusk, I never let her open doors, I always make her dinner, she spontaneously gets roses just because I love her, I've made her her favorite snacks from scratch, I usually pay for everything when we go out, when she needs anything I put her priorities first. I just feel like she isn't reciprocating.This is her first relationship, she is 24 and I am 26, and she told me she just doesn't know how to be romantic because her parents were never that way with each other.

 

Was I being out of line when I discussed my feelings with her? She says she won't see me until she finishes making her Christmas and Valentine's presents. I think it scares me that part of me is happy that she won't see me until then so I won't feel like I'm being taken for granted.

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You are not being out of line, she is being lazy. As you have treated her w/ respect and gifts, her bs that she doesn't know how because her parents weren't is bs. She isn't 18, she is 24 ----she's never seen a romantic comedy?

 

Do not let yourself be taken for granted. Value yourself.

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You are not being out of line, she is being lazy. As you have treated her w/ respect and gifts, her bs that she doesn't know how because her parents weren't is bs. She isn't 18, she is 24 ----she's never seen a romantic comedy?

 

Do not let yourself be taken for granted. Value yourself.

 

Are you kidding? You think we're supposed to behave the way people do in movies?

 

It's not lazy - she's just different than you. I'd love to be with someone like this. To me, gestures like what you've described are totally meaningless and anyone can do them. I've in fact actually observed that usually the people that are all into gestures like that are severely lacking in the things that really do matter like providing emotional support, etc. All the women friends I have who are in bad relationships seem to have boyfriends or husbands that think filling their car with rose petals makes up lying to them. Stuff like that.

 

Basically, you need to decide what's important to you. If she does capitulate, it's not going to be because she wants to do these things, it just going to be because she knows you expect them. I'd say you need to either accept that she's just different (not better or worse) than you and decide if you can deal with that.

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Take this time to do things for you. Make it a habit so when she delivers on her gifts you will be even better. It is good to prioritize for someone you love but it is bad to make them your entire life. You don't have to be hedonistic about it. Help at a volunteer event because you care about the cause, learn to play an instrument because you love that type of music, exercise to look and feel better.

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@april15 I think I have been revolving too much of my life around her. I do love her very much, but I think I need to take better care of my own needs as well. Thanks!

 

@pl3asehelp I appreciate your point of view. I think it would be considered the traditional masculine response, but please don't add issues that aren't present in our relationship.

 

@mhowe She is really bad with social situations and introverted, but when it was her BFF's birthday she made her a note for her present. I guess I feel she could of at least given me a note on Christmas or Valentine's. She says the idea of getting me a card never occurred to her, and she just didn't have time for what she planned for Valentine's.

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It's a no brainer that V-day is a romantic holiday. I cannot speak for your g/f, but I will say it is a little insensitive on her part to allow you or expect you to be romantic but she doesn't know HOW??? At 24? If anything you should be showing her all the examples she needs....the parent excuse sounds like a cop out.

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I think it's sad that you need gifts/cards from your girlfriend to feel valued or appreciated.

Why is she your girlfriend, why are you in a relationship with each other? Obviously because both of you have some sort of attraction and feel something for each other otherwise you wouldnt be together. When you do things for her like open doors etc - You should be doing that because you want to, not so that you get things back from her, thats just being greedy. If it bothers you so much, then stop doing things for her. That way she won't feel bad for owing you lots of gifts/cards.

 

Also have you thought about why she hasnt got you anything.. there could be financial reasons.

 

I don't think you were out of line to discuss your feelings with her but I do think it's a bit greedy to ask for gifts. If you really prefer to not see her until she has prepared your gift instead of seeing her but having no gift - then that says a lot about your character.

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My bf was very surprised the first year we were together because I gave him a card on Thanksgiving. He is not big on cards, and he still isn't. That doesn't stop me from giving them to him.

 

I understand she is shy and introverted -- and I don't see you "asking" for gifts. If it was financial, then just like for her bff --- handmake it. To ignore a holiday and say she didn't have time for what she had planned is a cop out.

 

She is being lazy --- maybe time to re-evaluate if you want to continuing putting so much time into a relationship she clearly does not value.

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@LostnConfused I said it's greedy to ask for gifts/cards because gifts are suppose to be given without being asked for, thats why they are gifts. I think it's insensitive to ask why she hasnt because it's like putting her on the spot, yes you can show her that you're bothered but in different ways without being too direct. I think it's silly to ask for a piece of paper that says I Love You because 1] The piece of paper will be forced and not coming from her own thought 2] You don't need a paper to tell you she loves you.

 

Also you're 26, not exactly a teenager who needs to throw a tantrum at not recieving something from her, it's understandable that you feel like the same sort of affection (in terms of gifts/cards/romantic gestures) is not being returned back to you... but in my opinion you are over-reacting a bit. Anyways, she's finally making/getting you something so your problem is sort of already solved.

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At first I agreed with this ..........

 

It's not lazy - she's just different than you.

 

Until I read this ..........

 

She is really bad with social situations and introverted, but when it was her BFF's birthday she made her a note for her present. I guess I feel she could of at least given me a note on Christmas or Valentine's. She says the idea of getting me a card never occurred to her, and she just didn't have time for what she planned for Valentine's.

 

Now I agree with this ..........

 

It's a no brainer that V-day is a romantic holiday. I cannot speak for your g/f, but I will say it is a little insensitive on her part to allow you or expect you to be romantic but she doesn't know HOW??? At 24? If anything you should be showing her all the examples she needs....the parent excuse sounds like a cop out.

 

It never occurred to her to get you a card on Valentines Day? Really?? If she can go to the trouble of writing nice little notes to a friend for her birthday then why not do the same for you on Valentines Day.

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@Tranquillo Is it greedy to ask for a piece of paper that says I love you? I am very attuned to her financial situation which is why I suggested we make our Christmas gifts last year with a $20 limit. She never finished mine, but is working on it now.

 

For many of us, time has as much or more value than money.

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My bf was very surprised the first year we were together because I gave him a card on Thanksgiving. He is not big on cards, and he still isn't. That doesn't stop me from giving them to him.

 

I understand she is shy and introverted -- and I don't see you "asking" for gifts. If it was financial, then just like for her bff --- handmake it. To ignore a holiday and say she didn't have time for what she had planned is a cop out.

 

She is being lazy --- maybe time to re-evaluate if you want to continuing putting so much time into a relationship she clearly does not value.

 

Rather than lazy, maybe she just doesn't think made up holidays are important - like me.

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Rather than lazy, maybe she just doesn't think made up holidays are important - like me.

 

That I can understand. I absolutely hate Valentines Day - for a variety of reasons - but, I dunno, I think it is the fact that she said it never occurred to her to get a card that makes it all seem a bit odd. Fair enough if she has specific reasons for not sending one but it must have, at least, occurred to her that her bf may be expecting a card.

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Rather than lazy, maybe she just doesn't think made up holidays are important - like me.

 

Fair enough -- then maybe that should have been mentioned at the first holiday they were together when he got her something, and he got nothing in return. Time for that chat --- not ignoring all future holidays.

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I can definitely see both sides of the coin here. When I was 17, I had a bf named Bob who was not only lazy, but totally inconsiderate ~ my mom bought him a scarf for Christmas (right before the school break) and he didn't call me ONCE. Not to say hello, not to get together, not even to say thank you for the gift. (And in case you haven't guessed, he didn't give me a gift.) I mean, what?

 

I also somewhat dated this jerk named Mike, who gave me a Kay Jewelers necklace on our 2nd date. I told him I couldn't accept it, but he insisted I keep it. And guess what---from then on, whenever something went bad, he'd threaten to ask for it back. "You didn't call me the last two days, I might ask for my necklace back."

 

Money doesn't buy love, but it can, on some level, show someone that you care about them. If you buy someone a gift/card and they don't reciprocate in some way or another (maybe not by buying another gift in return, but at least showing in some strong way that you mean something special to them), then that is totally inconsiderate.

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That I can understand. I absolutely hate Valentines Day - for a variety of reasons - but, I dunno, I think it is the fact that she said it never occurred to her to get a card that makes it all seem a bit odd. Fair enough if she has specific reasons for not sending one but it must have, at least, occurred to her that her bf may be expecting a card.

 

A week before Valentine's Day she told me how her younger brother wasn't getting his girlfriend a card and how wrong that was. I then told her how you HAVE to do something on Valentine's day even if it's a very small thing just to show appreciation for the other person.

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Maybe she didn't anything because she felt like it was an order by you.

Or

Maybe she was going to do something for you already but because you said she HAS to do something, she could have felt like you thought that she won't do anything, and that could have offended her so she did what she thought you were thinking, and didn't do anything.

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@Tranquillo Is it greedy to ask for a piece of paper that says I love you? I am very attuned to her financial situation which is why I suggested we make our Christmas gifts last year with a $20 limit. She never finished mine, but is working on it now.

 

The fact behind you wanting a piece of paper saying i love you shows u want more than just a piece of paper.

 

If gifts & valued items are so important to you in a relationship, maybe you shouldn't be with her. Don't expect more than what a person is willing to give.

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@lost - your relation ship is new so I can understand why there wasn't gifts exchanged at chrismas yet even a small gift would of been nice like you said. Its truly hard to buy for someone you love when you want to get them the best gift of all.

shes maybe unsure of things or doesnt think she can out do the things you do for her. maybe its to much pressure? I mean the "night on the cruise overlooking the city skyline" that's hard to beat!

 

 

Our problem's sound the same... I asked for a video game for Valt-day ... 4 weeks after I never got it so I went an got it invited 3 friends over told them all to bring a pack of beer and played til she got home. she walked in saw what we where playing and ran off crying because she "forgot" to go get it. yet this is 2nt time in the 2 years we have been together, and I don't even tell you about Birthdays.

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