shaneensmith Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 Hello everyone, this is a first for me to be on here . . . I am just so sad, it's 9:13 PM and I have no one to talk to at this time of night, and I don't like bothering my mother anymore about my relationship problems, she's great to talk too but I think it brings her down and I swore to myself I would not bring her into it anymore. I've been with my husband for 5 years, 2 of which we are married. I am 29 and he is 32. I am very ambitious, and I am definitely an overachiever. My husband seems to be a: procrastinator, and he cannot deal with regular important daily life stuff, like calling his 7 year old daughter (from his previous marriage). He NEVER calls her, and when I ask him if he has talked to his daughter lately he gets really mad and says I am nagging him? I don't get it. Then follows an argument, because I hate when he calls me a nagg. When I first met him, I fell in love with him right away we got along really well. He was a drinker, but he just seemed lost (he was having a hard time, had just lost his mother to brain cancer). He was 27 had no licence, no grade 12, no job, no car, no secondary education, and in the 5 years we have been together, he now has a full driving licence, his grade 12, his second year automotive certification. I have PUSHED him to do all of this, I have spent COUNTLESS HOURS looking for jobs for him, designing his resume, SENDING his resumes, faxing emailing . . . omg, you have no idea. I have sat back and watched him, he procrastinates. And if I don't remind him or mention anything to him, he would have never done it on his own. He always says to me "quite NAGGING ME!" then I get super upset and mad and tell him that if it wasn't for me pushing him he would have never made the moves to do better. I am now tired, and don't want to help him anymore, I am tired, and I believe I have turned into a nagg. My husband is a very depressed person, when your around him, you can feel his depression, his lack of ambition. It's really rubbing off on me, and I had to start taking anti-depressants because I thought maybe I was loosing myself, they have helped, but I am starting to think maybe I am not happy because of my husbands lack of effort and his severe depression. Am I falling out of love with him? is it wrong of me to just want to GO! run away, I don't want to deal with the heartache, i just feel so sad, and sick of arguing and being called a nagg. My husband is a good man, he is very nice, very good to me. Even though he doesn't help around the house at all, doesn't offer cook or do the dishes, has never bought me flowers. I work FULL-TIME + I own my own business (so I am very very very busy), he works part time as a cook, yet I find I am still doing everything for both of us, and everything at home (cooking cleaning, organizing, reminding, etc . . . ) I want him to look after me for once . . . I am getting tired. What is everyone else's take on this? I really really need help. thank you everyone : ( Link to comment
Hollyj Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 He was this man when you met him, and you're expecting him to be different. That's not fair to him or you! I would seriously question what attracted you to a man with so many difficulties? What is your background like because you sound very co-dependent? Link to comment
stickman Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 ALL lasting change and motivation must come from within. It is a fire only the person themself can ingnite. No fire lit by another will last long. Free will is everything. "TUFF LOVE" sometimes, it is waht we dont do or say. Sometimes people need a dose of reality to get the head out of their butt! A kick in the pants. You hold up the mirror and say: "look... This is you! Do you like this person? NO? Then DO something about it. I deserve to be happy with or without you." Sometimes the fear of the unknown is biggest fear we have that can cripple us from not moving at all. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 You cannot ask someone to change. As Hollyj said, this was the person he was when you meet. Don't be surprised by his behavior now. That being said, you do have every right to express how his actions are effecting you and the relationship. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 P.S. Welcome to ENA! Please keep coming back. Link to comment
stickman Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 You always get what you allow yourself to settle for!! Link to comment
Realitynut Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 She was young when she met him. She thought she could 'help him better himself'. Now she's older and more mature. She's getting tired of taking care of a child, and wants a partner... That's my take anyway...from experience... Link to comment
StifledSavant Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 RealityNut is absolutely correct! But does that leave Shaneen completely free of any responsibility for the results simply because she was younger when she made her choice? Her husband was younger then too and he also didn't have all the information from her in the first place. After all, 100 years ago people married when they were 15 years old and they managed to stick it out for life! There MUST be a reason! Okay I have to expand this topic a bit to explain my question to everyone... A lot of women (of all ages) will find a man that she wants to "improve". Or they will play "mommy". Or maybe they feel in the beginning that they have found a mission of purpose to save this man from his "miserable existence".... of course that means that she has preemptively judged his life and deemed it as being "miserable" based on HER opinions and not based on what he may want from life. Maybe the guy was happy before a woman comes along but rather than the woman moving on to find someone else who already displays the ambition she seeks, she thinks it's perfectly acceptable and perhaps even somehow "noble" to change this guy simply because he is the guy standing in front of her right now. I think this "woman on a mission" phenomenon comes from some women's need to feel secure in her man's faithfulness and as an effort to guarantee for herself, his undying gratitude. In other words, "I fixed him, I gave him a better life, he owes me everything... so he better not ever hurt me". At the minimum, this would give her the feeling of dominance over the guy. Now, dominant does not mean controlling people. A true dominant controls situations for the betterment of all those involved and a woman trying to improve a man is striving for the overall best for both parties. However, dominance is obviously a power that easily corrupts... absolutely. Now I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with this. A lot of men need mommies in order to be productive and if it works for a couple, then more power to them for finding anything that works in this world as long as they find it together and not have it forced on one of them! What I find disturbing about the entire concept is that I have yet to ever hear a woman saying to a man right from the start of a relationship, "Hey I think your life is miserable and I'm gonna fix it and fix you too, so that you will love me forever... you okay with that?". Instead they keep their ulterior motives to themselves and simply say, "I love you". Which leads a man to believe that this is a normal relationship based on the idea that she loves him for who he is and not for whatever unstated designs she may have for improving him. Or course men are just as guilty of deceiving women by using the "L" word just to get into her pants but that's for another post. I just think that most women can't see enough beyond the history of men's lies to realize that they are doing it just as much... if not more so. Truthfully, I believe that varying levels of this behavior has infiltrated American society so much that today it seems to be acceptable for almost ALL women to feel and even to EXPECT that once that ring is on her finger, the man is instantaneously transformed into a dribbling moron who needs to be told what to do at every turn or he will de-evolve into an unwashed, beer drinking, sports watching slug who never mows the lawn. Of course those are the man's words but you know the woman are laughing about using this tactic when they get together with the girls... just watch any women's reality show. The saddest part is that men also seem to have accepted this condition of marriage. Okay so now that I have vented that the whole "lie" thing is so seriously unfair, I need to present my question. Anyone having gone into a relationship based on a lie (such as any ulterior motive) should have some level of responsibility towards resolving the problems created by that lie. Yes? So what or when is FAIRLY the "final straw" for a person who has matured beyond the defeat of their quest to improve the person whom they proclaimed to love? Now that Shaneen has become tired of pushing this man, is that all she needs to discover before she abandons him? Is that the ONLY determining factor? Or does she hold some responsibility to set the truth straight with this man? If she leaves him now because he won't improve himself, wouldn't it have been more "decent & humane" of her to start the relationship with the words, "I'll stay with you until you stop doing what I want you to"? Or more realistically, maybe she now needs to put more time into a relationship which is falling apart not because of the husband's failing but because the husband is failing to live up to the expectations that she had but did not verbalize to him. If she had been truthful with him from the jump, maybe he would have backed out of the relationship early on... and then they wouldn't be in this situation at all. But of course a woman can't let than happen either. She took the option away from him and in so doing she took his control away from him and now she expects him to take control! Hey I'm not beating up on Shaneen here. I'm trying to illustrate that as a society we have distorted the words "I love you" and "I Do" into lies (like everything else) and we need to hold OURSELVES more accountable for the damage we cause by those lies... at least with our loved ones. As for Shaneen; leave him if you want to but if you want to feel righteous about yourself, you should at least explain to your husband that you now realize that you should have verbalized the "conditions" you placed on the love you offered him. If you can do that, you might be more successful in your next relationship. Or better yet, if you realize that hiding your expectations from your husband was unfair to begin with, and maybe that deception is in part the reason he has not evolved enough for you, then maybe you can find it in your heart to accept him for who he is today because your secret helped to let him be that person. Even if you can only do so long enough for him to get his head around the idea that you wanted something different from the start. Maybe he could actually learn from hearing the truth about the past better than he can from hearing an ultimatum from you now. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 If you're are choosing fix-up projects and believe you can 'help' them, you are co-dependent! Simple! Link to comment
Liraele Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 If you're are choosing fix-up projects and believe you can 'help' them, you are co-dependent! Simple! Yup. People have to want to "fix" themselves. You can't do it for them. Link to comment
shaneensmith Posted February 24, 2012 Author Share Posted February 24, 2012 My husband has a good heart, and he did at one point have a great job and was being good to me, that lasted 1 year. My husband and I have already talked about our issues, he promised to make changes 6 months ago . . . BUT its been 6 months now, and it seems buying guns and shooting at the gun range IS STILL more important than buying himself a car so he can work his part time job in Whistler so he can drive back and forth, NAH, why do that when he can fight and argue with me, and force me to give him my $10,000 car and leave me stranded with no way to get to work . . . Also seems he doesn't give a * * * * to do anything for his wife? Also seems like after he got comfortable in this so called MARRIAGE he's decided to take a free ride! AND PS: StifledSavant...when I said I LOVE YOU, to my husband, i meant every letter of it. Maybe HE should have told me he would turn into a lazy * * * * * * * 3 years later, now that would have been fair. And my husband is FAILING because he has no ambition to better himself, I did not think to ask him, "so, do you think that 3 yaers from now, your gonna have no ambition and become a lazy * * * * * * * ?" give me a break. thank you to everyone else for their comments! Link to comment
shaneensmith Posted February 25, 2012 Author Share Posted February 25, 2012 .......adsf Link to comment
Circe Posted February 26, 2012 Share Posted February 26, 2012 Do you call him a lazy * * * * * * * to his face or a failure to his face? If so - that will just make his depression worse. I know someone who listened to that kind of thing from his extremely ambitious and over-achieving wife for a very long time and eventually killed himself, noting (in the letter) that he'd let his wife down and was a failure. Maybe the two of you aren't right for each other? I'm not saying he's being responsible or that he's even happy being the way he is.. but it sounds like you can't help but push, push, push him to "better himself" and your pushing is too extreme for him to handle. Maybe he's rebelling against that now; maybe he's just depressed; maybe there's another reason for his not getting a full time job .. but it seems like you two are too different on the ambition factor to be happy with each other long-term. I don't normally advise splitting when a marriage is in issue - but the dynamic between the two of you sounds similar to the dynamic the two people I mentioned had in their marriage (though there are differences) and it's so clear that staying together when there is a difference like this is not in the best interests of anyone involved. Link to comment
nannah Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 sorry for quoting the entire thing - don't know how to reply without having the quote appear... the way you make it out, the responsibility is solely on her... I agree with your point that it is unfair to expect him to change and it IS unfair to get into relationship assuming someone would be another person, 'cause you said so... HOWEVER, the way you describe it, the guy had no idea, poor innocent lamb, what she was scheming about... COME ON! If he wasn't looking for a mama to take care of him, he'd be out of it in a hurry LOOONG time ago. No self respecting independent individual will let their "loved one" do all the work for them and see it as fair. SO he wants his "mamma" to take care of him in every way, but to NEVER tell him he needs to do certain things. RIIGHT. No wonder she is burnt out, of course, because of her own mistake of trying to fix him. BUT the guys is no victim - he depleted her resources while giving "0" in return and bringing her down with labels too, he deserved to be left long time ago... though I'm sure he is not aware of what he has done, those grown babies need to be abandoned an the sooner the better, for the sanity of everyone involved I am sure plenty of ppl will find this harsh, but think about it and imagine you have done what she has and had the same "return" - like hell you wouldn't want to GO! I know this from experience and, yes, it is a mistake to try and fix someone, but so is to try and leech of your partner froever while bringing them down so they think it's their fault Link to comment
nannah Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 also, if he is seriously depressed, there is no way for you to help him, and for him to help himself neither - he needs professional help, therapy is better than drugs, inho. but none of it has to be your responsibility - you need to take care of YOURSELF (since no one else would) and prevent a total burnout before you turn into a depressed and mentally disturbed individual yourself - I know it sounds too dramatic, but it is very possible - believe me - and take it from someone who has done the same "rescuing" for years and turned into a total wreck emotionally. Save yourself while you can and leave it up to him to seek help and change HIS life, no one else can anyway. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! Link to comment
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