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Do you "just know" you've found "the one"?


je55ie

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I've been looking at a lot of relationship studies lately that come down to the same thing: loosing confidence in a relationship is often enough in itself to destroy a relationship // the biggest common factor in relationships that last is that neither person ever considers breaking up.

 

My own friends, who've been happily married for long periods of time, they "just knew" they'd found "the one" shortly after they met them.

 

Do you agree? Is trust that a relationship will work more important that all the other components of a successful relationship?

 

If so, what hope can someone like me have, who nearly doubts everything? I flip flop on where to live, what color my hair should be, what job to have. I make no decisions with conviction or certainty. Don't us unconfident people deserve lasting relationships, too?

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My own friends, who've been happily married for long periods of time, they "just knew" they'd found "the one" shortly after they met them.

 

Do you agree? Is trust that a relationship will work more important that all the other components of a successful relationship?

 

If so, what hope can someone like me have, who nearly doubts everything? I flip flop on where to live, what color my hair should be, what job to have. I make no decisions with conviction or certainty. Don't us unconfident people deserve lasting relationships, too?

 

I don't agree.. I definitely didn't feel like my husband was "the one" shortly after meeting him. Certainly did not feel that I "just knew". Gosh - not even close.

 

Even when we got married - if you'd asked me if he was "the one" I'd have said I didn't believe in "the one" - that there are lots of ones etc.

 

Funny thing is, now - a few years into being married - I do feel that he's "the one" - in that I feel like there could not possibly be anyone out there that I could have a relationship with that's as good as this one (although you can't really compare relationships - they are all so different) and that a relationship with anyone else couldn't possibly feel this "right". Writing that out now, I know I couldn't possibly know something like this. It's just a subjective feeling. But it grew over a long period of time.

 

I'm a doubter too - I had to learn over time and experiences - that this is an awesome r'ship.

 

But I'm like you - I have heaps of doubt about everything. How can you not? I mean anything could happen in the future. One or both of you could change. Nothing is guaranteed. But you know - I deal with that by knowing that if I lose what I have now in the future - at least there was a time in my life when I had it. I mean, all of us lose everything we have when we die. Does that mean life's not worth living?

 

If I were you I'd just try to be aware of exactly what my doubts are - and then question how realistic/big/worrisome they really are or should be. Your doubts may be more about you and your past and your experiences than they are about the relationship. For example.. many years ago when I doubted if he really loved me, I was really doubting whether I was loveable.

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When my ex met me and we started dating, he used to tell me I was the one and that he wanted to marry me one day. I found out later that he was only saying that because the excitement of being in a new relationship got to his head, and that he didn't mean what he said. He then proceeded to say that he couldn't see himself being with me for the long term. I held onto what he told me when he first met me, even after two more breakups and many breaks. I wanted to believe that he meant what he said the first time around. After the third and final BU where he dumped me, I will never ever believe a person when they say that to me.

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Sure you just know when you've found the one. I knew I'd found the one with the first guy I loved and was 100% sure of it... and then he dumped me. A few years after that I met another guy, and I thought he was the one... and then he dumped me. And then I met another guy and was absolutely sure, just knew, because he was everything I ever wanted in a man and it felt like magic and all that... yep, and then he dumped me. Moral of the story: don't trust your instincts when it comes to men. Trust your logic. If I ever meet another "one", I'll be half tempted to run for the hills with what's left of my poor black heart. lol

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