i want to be free from my mind

[UniqueSoul]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year and a half. we are 23/24 years old. we grew up together, and have known each other since elementary school, so we had a solid foundation of a friendship before we started to date. my boyfriend was always trying to get me to date him ever since the 7th grade. he always told people "one day i am going to marry that girl." the type of person he is makes him very friendly, compassionate, loving..he wants to be everyones friend and be nice to everyone. qualities which i admire, and wish i was more like.

over the years of our separate dating histories, we've dated a few people before each other. his last girlfriend before me he dated for about three months, but kept a friendship with her. they also shared the same group of friends, so it was inevitable that they were going to see each other. he said that they were better off as friends. he was single for 2 years before he dated me. (in the beginning of our relationship he kept open communication with exes, but only as friends.) i was always in relationships with men who have cheated on me with their ex girlfriends, and other women, so (i do admit) that i came into my current relationship a bit damaged, with baggage, and major trust issues. i wanted to work hard to get rid of these insecurities, and just trust my current boyfriend.

 

when we first started dating he was into smoking and selling pot. it did bother me that he was selling, for obvious legal reasons it bothered me, but he told me that he wasnt going to do it forever. I later found out that he was selling to his ex girlfriend. (the one who he only dated for a short period of time, and said they were better off as friends.) these events set my jealousy and trust issues off the wall! i told him to break contact with her, and to stop selling. and he did.

 

a year and a half later, especially when my hormones seem to be raging, i rethink about his selling days and the days of him talking to his ex(es). i seem to have a lot of issues letting go, and just trusting him. he has given me no reason not to trust him. he stopped talking to his exes (even though i do admit that i should not have told him to stop talking to them, because he just wanted to be friends. he wants to be friends with everyone. and my lack of trust in him makes me sad) and he no longer sells pot (or smokes it that much.) i feel that I've gotten into a nasty habit of trying to control his every move because of my lack of trust with him. i think that i projected some of my insecurities from previous relationships onto him, and i lose control sometimes. just because one of MY exes slept with HIS ex, does NOT MEAN that my current boyfriend cant be friendly with his exes. they are two different men. and i am tired of keeping these rules and regulations up for him. he should be able to make his own decisions and i should TRUST his decisions. and TRUST that he wont hurt me. (even if he meets an ex for coffee...i should realize that they are friends. and its ok. he is with me, not them. he would be fine with me meeting anyone i wanted for coffee and keeping certain boundaries.)

 

it's so difficult for me to make these changes in my head. and let go, and move on from our past. he really did nothing wrong to warrant my "Crazy" behaviors. right? i want to be able to be more understanding, and accepting of who he is as a person. he is someone who HATES to burn bridges and he wants to be nice to everyone. those are good qualities of a genuine human being. and i should see that he (being a good guy) will not do anything inappropriate with another woman.

 

Does anyone have any advice? i tried my hardest to sum up the issues that lie inside my head.

[OracleofDoom]

I for one believe in burning bridges as it forces you to go forward. I myself am a w--d smoker but firmly believe if you have to do something illegal to make it you've already lost. If you trust him fine, to me its disrespectful to go out with an ex...so my advice...trust yourself...it sounds like your controlling is having a good effect on him as he is giving up dealing and seeing his ex's.

[pl3asehelp]

I think you are confused and used to letting other people define your behavior. First of all, there's nothing inherently wrong with being friends with ex's or not being freinds with ex's either way. What matters is how you feel about it. How do you feel about it? I mean not how do you feel right now in this relationship in this specific situation, but in general - if you made all the rules, what do you personally think is best?

 

I've never been cheated on. I've also never been in a relationship with anyone who has anything more than very infrequent contact with any ex's because this is a personal boundary of mine and I wouldn't even go out once with someone who I thought was still close to an ex. I behave the same way myself - I in fact never make contact with them, but just respond briefly and politely if they contact me. I personally feel that if you're close to an ex, you're not really living in the present and ready for a relationship. I don't think you can EVER put the friends label back onto a relationship once you've been romantically involved. It's not about trusting him - it's about even getting involved in the first place. There are lots of people out there without this handicap so I've just dated those girls and had mostly great relationships.

 

So, if I were you, I would not even be in this relationship.

 

It sounds like you define your stance on this issue based on what 2 men think - an ex of yours and your current boyfriend.

 

I'd encourage you to think about how you feel about this outside of what these other men think.

 

You need to have your own boundaries and stick to them in relationships or you get into your situation where other people are setting the tone and you just react.

 

If you decide for yourself you think being chummy with ex's is a quality you look for in a partner, then you have to really understand what it is you're getting yourself into. Fact is you will be taking several risks that wouldn't be present with a partner who isn't interested in their ex's.

 

It's not something you just need to be ok with or you're jealous and insecure - you have a choice. Just be with like minded people.

[xTomorrowWhenx]

Us girls, we're kind of the type of people that get jealous, whether we want to admit it, or not. I understand your concern about his smoking, the pot selling, and the fact that he's friends with his exes. Trust me, I would've probably done what you did, too. And after dating many guys who have cheated on you, it's understandable that you aren't really trusting him, no matter how long you've known him or how nice he is.

 

Honestly, I think you should talk to him about it, how your past somewhat haunts you to a degree, and that you want to trust him, but can't because of that pass. The reason why many relationships fail is because of the lack of communication.

 

And also, I think it was a good decision to cut off his communication with his exes. Some people, really do become friends after dating. But, for instance, my last relationship, you kind of are friends in the beginning, then it starts to get awkward.

 

I think you've made the right choices so far, but you should tell him why you have done that. That you feel insecure while he's with those exes and that you don't want him to suffer from selling pot and smoking.

[UniqueSoul]

we have talked about it. and he has accepted this part of me. he doesnt speak to his exes. he said that he would never go out of his way to see/talk to them.

I behave the same way myself - I in fact never make contact with them, but just respond briefly and politely if they contact me.

he does do that. exactly what you do.

 

i feel that he has accepted so much about me, and now it is time for me to accept him. thats part of unconditional love, right? being able to accept someone, fully. he knows how i feel, and accepts that and works on that, and now i have to accept how he feels and how he is. he doesnt like to burn bridges, he likes to have a lot of friends, and he is trying to be a nice genuine person. and i need to learn to accept him and how he is...while still creating healthy boundaries for us

[UniqueSoul]

He also deleted his exes phone numbers lol

[bulletproof]

You have posted about this numerous times and you will probably continue to get the same answers. If you want to distrust him and try to control him, then do that, but it really sounds like you need to do some changing yourself. If you can't change yourself, then get a therapist who can help you.