Ex Is Going After My Friend

[reboundstudent]

I dated a guy for about 3 1/2 years. Thus far, it's been my longest and most serious relationship. In the last two years, we've been very on-and-off... he jerked me around a lot (would tell me how much he loved me and wanted to date me, and then refuse to speak to me for weeks), and about six months ago we finally stopped speaking to each other for good.

 

Lately I've been seeing him pop up a lot on a mutual friend's Facebook wall. He is not my friend, and this is a girl we've both known for about 6 years. I always felt he had a strong attraction to her (frankly, all of my boyfriends have, she's like the better version of me), but he would always deny it. His comments are always of the "Look how witty and funny I am" variety, and a lot of them mention how cute/sexy/funny she is. She almost always "likes" his comments. She's throwing a party in a few weeks, and he's written on her wall three or four times how excited he is to hang out with her. (He lives about two hours away from us.)

 

I don't try to seek out this stuff, but I comment a lot on her stuff as well. I know the relationship is over, but it's making me very uncomfortable to think they'll hook up or start dating. I would never tell her she can't (not my right to dictate who she dates), but I'm not sure how I should prepare myself if it happens.

 

Truth be told, I still have strong feelings for the guy, but he was such an awful jerk to me that I refuse to open Pandora's Box again. It really hurts to think that after I spent months trying so hard with him emotionally beating me up, I'll have to see him be the perfect boyfriend to a close friend of mine.

 

Has anyone else been in this situation? How can I privately deal with this so it doesn't effect my friendship with her?

[springfun0214]

Obviously I don't know either one of them but he sounds like kind of a jerk. Your friend doesn't sound like she is much of one either. Is she a close friend of yours? A real friend would not flirt with your ex...just my thoughts.

[Mephisto13]

Why can't you tell her not to date this douche? Has she approached you and asked you about him? In my opinion, friends should never date your exes. Never. Unless they get your permission.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about flings (less than 1 year relationships). But if this person was with you for more than a year or so...at the very least she definitely needs to find out how you'd feel about it.

 

Then it's all on her. If she knows that it hurts you and she decides not to go out with this douche...bravo! You got a good friend looking out for you. On the flip side, if she knows that it hurts you and she decides to go out with this douche anyway...well, would you want to hang around someone who did that to you?

 

But...what if it's "true love"? (I can hear everyone thinking that already). Well then, if it's true love, soul mate type thing...they will still be into each other 6 months or 1 year later, right? If you can actually see the love that they have for each other, how much they care for each other...then you can start feeling like "Who am I to keep these love birds apart! Go to him, silly!! I'll live."

 

And then you deal with it.

[mixhot]

reboundstudent... i am going thru simular and my head is in bits..

 

there is nothing you can do.. nothing will change..just stay out of the picture

 

this is whats happening to me..so your not the only one!!

 

me and my ex split up around 10 months ago after 3 yr rs. then she started to date another guy 2 months after we split.we where still hanging out tgether and being rather close.calling and texting etc then her new guy moved abroad she says she was still seing him while he was away this lasted for 4 months before she decided to go see him

 

while he was away we hung out slept at eachothers house, kissing hold hands, even had sex a few times. basically like we was seing eachother. she was always the one making contact evry weekend...even xmas just gone i stayed with her at her parents and we slept with each other then..it was her that wanted me to stay

 

she went to go see him a month back and as soon as she came back she was constantly calling me." i was on holiday at this point "skyping me, ringing me up saying she misses me.wants to be in my company also saying she wants me to hurry back so we can talk face to face she even called me to say she wanted to go traveling with me and that she wanted to sort when we should go!!.. saying she still thinks of me evry day..send me pics of me and her tgether, also saying that i am the closet person ever to her. i even poured my heart out to her saying i love you and she says she feels the same way

 

it was the last week in my holiday and i heard nothing from her and i get an email from my BEST friend saying " hi i bumped into x at the weekend and we started kissing..it wasnt planned and i feel really bad but i want to see her again".. so i called x up and asked her she sed yes we did kiss and its not cool!! so i sent her an email saying why have you been saying things to me and constantly calling me...she sent me a mail back saying " nothing was ever gonna happen with us we are just friends and that she wanted to see him again..she sed it is a bad situation but deal with it"

 

then a week later she posts on FB that she is having a drinks with him..

 

we have all the same freinds and they say its awfull what has happened, ive deleted all form of contact that i had with her even deleted her family on facebook

 

i cannot stop thinking about this. after she sed all that to me and basically made me think that their was another chance

 

i sent an email to my so called mate saying all what has gone on with me n x and he just sed sorry its a bad situation

[bulletproof]

Ieeks)

It really hurts to think that after I spent months trying so hard with him emotionally beating me up, I'll have to see him be the perfect boyfriend to a close friend of mine.

 

What makes you think he'll be the perfect boyfriend to her? Unless he's gone through some serious personality change, there's a high chance he'll conduct himself the same way in a different relationship. Either way, be glad you are no longer putting up with him. This isn't about them, it's about you. The best thing you can do is focus on yourself and stay off their facebook pages until you feel ready to deal.

[brandnewday47]

Happening to me as well... I won't rehash my story as I have a thread about it in the friendship forum.

 

Couple of things; you don't really know for sure. But sometimes you need to listen to your gut. In my case, there was a lot of circumstantial evidence that could be written off. But something was definitely different, and my gut instinct was right. You need to prepare yourself that this could be the case...but it will still sting once confirmed, trust me.

 

All situations are different... but... if they do go through with it then it will be tough to salvage your friendship. I wouldn't confront anyone though, so hopefully they will respect you enough to run it by you first. I have no idea what will happen with my friendship. Hopefully things work themselves out, but I have my doubts and am prepared to make that sacrifice as friends should have a certain amount of respect for another. When they show through their actions that they don't have that respect for you, then you need to stand your ground.

[LDRohnos]

This is the reason why good friends stay and bad/mediocre ones come and go throughout your life. The good friends will know that you broke up with this guy and wouldn't even think about going near him because they'd understand that it would hurt you. The disposable friends don't really care and do it anyway.

 

Honestly? This isn't a friendship I'd even try to salvage. It's a toss away. Just stay out of it and keep the focus on you and not what everyone else is doing.

[buddha55]

he was a jerk to you, and probably will be to her.

 

how good a friend is she??

 

Dump 'em both. Sounds like they already have a fling.

[abitbroken]

You said she is a "girl you know." She is not your best friend. If he wants to go after her and she is receptive, so be it. But just because he posts to her wall doesn't mean she is welcoming his advances in "real life." She could be having this party with a bunch of people and play hostess and hardly talk to him. I wouldn't worry about these two. I would say good riddance to him and if she has sense I would focus on your opinion of her as a "better version of you." That is troubling.

[sandrawg]

Honey, don't worry. People don't change. If he dates her, things won't be ANY different. Read this:

 

link removed

[sandrawg]

I thought the same thing when I read that.

 

You said she is a "girl you know." She is not your best friend. If he wants to go after her and she is receptive, so be it. But just because he posts to her wall doesn't mean she is welcoming his advances in "real life." She could be having this party with a bunch of people and play hostess and hardly talk to him. I wouldn't worry about these two. I would say good riddance to him and if she has sense I would focus on your opinion of her as a "better version of you." That is troubling.

[reboundstudent]

Even weirder, I just realized that girl (who I would categorize as a 'pretty good friend,' as opposed to 'best friend') is actually the ex-gf of ANOTHER mutual friend.... My ex's best friend. They dated about 8 years ago. It was a pretty serious relationship, it took her several years to get over it. Wow, that just makes the whole thing even weirder.

 

I thought the same thing when I read that.

 

Yeah, I might be reading into it, but I wanted to be prepared SHOULD it happen.

[abitbroken]

Even weirder, I just realized that girl (who I would categorize as a 'pretty good friend,' as opposed to 'best friend') is actually the ex-gf of ANOTHER mutual friend.... My ex's best friend. They dated about 8 years ago. It was a pretty serious relationship, it took her several years to get over it. Wow, that just makes the whole thing even weirder.

 

Yeah, I might be reading into it, but I wanted to be prepared SHOULD it happen.

 

Its not weird. He has known her for a long time. So it's not weird he would be invited to her party or invite himself, for one, or try to be overly familiar. If she has known him that long, she knows his game.

 

What do you have to prepare for, really? If they become an item, you just don't hang out with them as a couple. If she is a pretty good friend, you hang out with her alone or with other women.

[reboundstudent]

Its not weird. He has known her for a long time. So it's not weird he would be invited to her party or invite himself, for one, or try to be overly familiar. If she has known him that long, she knows his game.

 

What do you have to prepare for, really? If they become an item, you just don't hang out with them as a couple. If she is a pretty good friend, you hang out with her alone or with other women.

 

Prepared for watching him be a way better boyfriend to her than he was to me, mostly. And seeing her and going," I should have been that to get him to love me." That'll be the tough part.

[abitbroken]

You need to work on your self esteem. No person can "get someone to love them" more than they did another person. Some people click better with some people than others.

 

Just keep in mind, to be worthy of someone loving you, you have to love yourself first. If you don't love yourself or think you are second rate, how can they?

[ParisPaulette]

My first question is does this friend know the reasons why you two broke up and just how long you were together? If so she's not a very good friend or maybe not really close at all since most reasonable women and men wouldn't want to associate with someone who'd treated their friends so badly. If that's the case I would personally either end the friendship or at the very least tell her you're blocking any contact or reminders of him and would she please do you the courtesy of hiding any of his comments from you since you do not want to know anything about him.

 

If she doesn't know then perhaps you should speak up and honestly tell her how you feel and exactly why you ended the relationship. You dated the guy for a long enough period of time that you are within your rights to speak up and calmly tell her why you are uncomfortable seeing any reminders of him. If she then asks why or what happened just explain why you broke up, again calmly and rationally. If she's a good friend you may well find out he lied to her about why you two aren't together or even that she has no interest in him and it's more on his end. And she may be very, very glad you spoke up and saved her from a serious disaster since no, he will not treat her any better than he treated you once the honeymoon phase of the relationship is passed--and the honeymoon phase always does pass sooner or later. And then guys like that are gone.

 

I went through a similar thing some years ago although I didn't date the guy for nearly as long as you did. He blew hot and cold on me and I finally caught him red-handed and half-naked with another girl after he insisted on taking me to a party where he could show everyone "how much he loved me." Bleh. And then it got back to me a few weeks later that he was now hanging around a good friend of mine at her workplace. I took her to lunch and asked her what was going on with them. She then proceeded to tell me he'd approached her professing to be heartbroken over my callously dumping him and he was asking her tips on how to get me back and they were meeting to talk about me. Of course he had started to shift the conversation to her more and more and she'd begun to feel like something was up. So I told her why I left him and told her she could even talk to some friends who were at that very party and saw the same things I did. She was furious then since she realized he was lying to her and she told him off and ended their friendship while ours has only gotten stronger and 15 years later we're still close. Neither of us knows what happened to him since none of our friends would speak to him after that and he had to go find other people to hang out with. I've always been glad I spoke up and so has she.