I broke up with him...now what?

[calblondie]

Hi all,

 

I haven't posted on the boards for a while, mainly because I had been working on my relationship with my boyfriend. We were making progress, but I finally realized yesterday that the progress wasn't enough for me. Yesterday I told him that his lack of truth and progress in this area is a deal-breaker for me. I guess I am looking for validation that I am on the right path and asking for advice on what to do next. I am truly heart-broken that I am at this point, but I don't feel like I have any other choice.

 

To give you a little background:

-He is 30, I am 38. We both have 1 son each, from previous marriage.

-We were dating since May 2010.

-We have lived together since February 2011.

-He has had some severe jealousy/trust issues, which recently have gotten a bit better. He has refused counseling, claiming he isn't ready or it is not going to help. See my previous post for more details.

 

He has always been a bit of a wild guy - he likes to party with his friends. He drinks alcohol, sometimes in a social situation and sometimes by himself at home or at a bar or casino. Since he moved in with me last year, I realized that he does not have a handle on his alcohol consumption and his behavior when he drinks. He has ended up on a couple of occasions doing drugs (pot, cocaine, not sure what else) with his friends and co-workers and has regularly (e.g. twice a month or more) not come home after a night of drinking. Most of the time he has claimed that he got too drunk to drive home, slept in his truck, at a friend's house or at his office and then woke up and drove home (usually around 3 or 4AM).

 

He went out to a casino with his boss and a co-worker on Monday night. He kept in contact with me via text until about 9PM and promised that he would make it home that night. I even offered to pick him up; he declined the ride. He got home around 430AM the next morning, had obviously been drinking most of the night because he passed out quickly, was talking/cursing in his sleep (which he does when he is drunk) and would not wake up when I tried to talk to him. I showered and got ready for work and left the house. I didn't contact him until about 10AM, when I told him over the phone that I could not handle his behavior and that I wanted to split.

 

So now he and I are barely talking. I still love him, but I am also being brutally honest with myself and him. I cannot live with him when he continues to behave like this. He starts drinking and then drops off the face of the Earth until the next morning. He has many times promised to change, but recently admitted that he can't change and doesn't want to change - that this is part of who he is. I have come to the conclusion that I cannot make him change this behavior; the only thing that I can do is leave.

 

We did discuss living together in the same house in separate bedrooms until my lease is up in late March. How can I go about NC when we live in the same house?

 

I haven't told any friends, co-workers or family about what has happened because he and I have had a lot of back and forth in our relationship before. He has threatened to move out several times, but has always come back to me, begging me to take him back. This is the only time that I have broke it off with him. He knows that I am serious.

 

Any words of advice would be most helpful! I feel like caving in and asking him to come back, but I know it is just because I miss having him around.

 

Thanks in advance!

Karin

[Tranquillo]

I don't think you can do NC when you're in the same house, that would be impossible. You can only start NC if one of you moves out.

 

And I think you're doing the right thing, it's not like you havent tried, you have and he hasnt, why put up with his behaviour? Better to leave and be stress free. If he values his drinking/drugs/staying out more than your relationship - then he isnt worth the bother.

[april15]

Living there until the lease is up is doable if you plan for it and take steps to manage the situation as best you can. It really is a very short time in the big picture. Try not to escalate things and be in separate rooms as much as possible.

[calblondie]

Thanks for the kind words tranquillo and april15. I know in my head that I am doing the right thing, but my heart hurts like heck! It helps to have your support.

 

Karin

[HeartGoesOn]

He has many times promised to change, but recently admitted that he can't change and doesn't want to change - that this is part of who he is. I have come to the conclusion that I cannot make him change this behavior; the only thing that I can do is leave.

 

He admitted that he doesn't want to change, therefore you've correct by admitting that your hands are tied. Hopefully you can try not to second guess yourself, admit that it is what it is, and realize that you gave it your all. I'm sure this won't be a walk in the park, yet at the same time you have to take a glimpse at the long term.

 

All the best...

[calblondie]

Thank you, HeartGoesOn. This is SOOO difficult. But I need to do this for myself and my son.

[laninaperdida]

Now what?

You made a decision.

STICK TO IT.

Otherwise, you'll hate yourself.

 

Move out.

Kick him out.

Do something to really get this break-up in motion.

Talk is cheap.

 

It's weird, but the "where do I go from here?" question is really that simple.

You know what your head and your heart wants (to exit the relationship) now you just gotta make your life do the same,

[calblondie]

laninaperdida...you're right - it IS that simple. But sometimes it is hard to see through the fog in a relationship (past times together, the good things about the relationship, etc). But at the end of the day, it doesn't matter about that. What matters is the decision that I made and what I need to do to execute on that decision. Thanks for your perspective.

[learning2relax]

Stay focused. If you lose focus by reliving the good times from your past, your risk giving in and returning to the life you had the courage to leave. You made the decision because it was not doable. Going back to it doesn't make it doable. If anything you will only be enabling more bad behavior vs. enabling the good behavior that you are reminiscing about. It will only get worse.

 

Doing what you are doing and sticking to it is positive for your son. You are being protective of him. You are no longer exposing him to the bad behavior. You show him that this behavior is not the way to treat a woman you love. Going back can possibly teach him that you can behave badly without real consequences. You are doing great in standing up for yourself while being a positive role model for your son. Stay strong.......