New relationship

[SethSLC]

So it's been a really long time since I posted on these forums, I came here years ago after a really rough breakup and spent a lot of my time in the Getting Back Together forum. Anyways I came here today to ask some advice about a new relationship.

 

About 2 months ago I started seeing a girl at work (yes I know the taboo of dating at work, but statistics can show that many relationships that last are begun at work, but I digress). In the beginning we would spend hours a day together as I was showing her the ropes and stuff (we work in IT). During those first few weeks we would just talk and stuff and got to know each other really well. We have a ton, and I mean ton!, in common. During the first month or so her car was having its engine rebuilt and so I would often give her a ride to her moms house after work or class (we're both college students as well as full time employee's here on campus). During those rides we continued getting to know each other.

 

Of course there was the random inuendo or flirting but I'm not very quick at picking up on that and so it came as a mild shock one evening when I asked her if she was doing anything that night (I had just dropped her off) and she replied with "You should have asked me before you dropped me off dummy". Then I said well its moot anyways cause I had just finished playing raquetteball and needed to shower, to which she responded that maybe she would have joined me in the shower.

 

Ok well that was the hammer to the head and I finally picked up on there was an attraction there on her end.

 

So we started going to lunch and a few days later we kissed. Then about 3 days after a lot of kissing had been taking place she asked if we could talk. Turns out she had just gotten out of a 3 year relationship about 2 months prior to us meeting at work (so we're now about 3 months removed from her relationship breakup), and she didn't want to be in a relationship right now. She's 25 almost 26 and is enjoying being single and wants to date around. Well maybe I'm old fashioned but I feel that if you're dating you should date 1 person at a time so I said if she wanted to date other people then we can just be friends. She said she wasn't dating anyone else so we proceeded.

 

We hung out at work all the time, to the point if I was late from my routine or something she would start texting me to find out where I was and if I was coming in to work and when. But I was not able to get her to do much outside of work time. We were around each other all day at work, lunch together, lots of sex (yes I know, should not have done this), and even going snowboarding a few times after work. But trying to get her to hang out and actually go out and do stuff together was like pulling teeth.

 

I talked to her about this and she felt that if we were to do things like that we'd basically be a couple and she just wasn't ready yet. So this proceeds for about the past month but my frustration grew at almost always being turned down or told she was busy or was going to do stuff with friends when I would ask her if she wanted to do something. She told me she wanted to just go really slowly because she didn't want to lose me. Last Friday I had a hard day because I tried scheduling something weeks in advance or even a few days later (during the holiday break) and she sensed that and made me talk to her, and so we spent 2 hours after work talking about how I needed to be able to do stuff with her otherwise what was the point? I liked her too much at this point to just be sex buddies. So later that night I get a call and she asks if we can go out to lunch the next day (saturday) and shopping / hang out. It was a step on her part and I recognized and acknowledged it. But yesterday I was again frustrated cause I had asked her to do something one night this week, and she told me again she didn't know if she was free, and I guess my feelings were hurt at being turned down yet again, so I finally caved last night and told her that we should take a break, until she could figure out what she wanted.

 

She basically wants me, has really strong feelings for me (she fell for me she says), but just isn't ready to be in a relationship. That's fine for me, but I figure if we're dating then we should you know...go on dates??

 

She has not taken the break very well. She thinks its basically the same thing as breaking up. But I spent the last night miserable because I don't want to lose this girl. I've started falling for her as well.

 

After all my time here I was very conscious of not being the rebound and knew better than to get involved with someone so fresh off a breakup, but I just ended up falling for her after spending so much time just getting to know her before even kissing.

 

I feel like talking to her if she'll let me and trying to resolve this because I really like her, but at the same time should I be strong and just let her go unless she decides she wants to start doing more stuff outside of work time?

[Tranquillo]

I don't think she has recovered from her break-up, she made it clear to you that she's not ready for a relationship but evenso, she tried to give it a go and did things like lunch/shopping/hang-out but I don't think it was what she really wanted or is ready for yet, thats why she went back to her old ways and made out she doesnt have any free time. When you told her to take a break from how you two are, it must have come down hard on her because it probably reminded her of her other break up (although it's nothing like that but she would have associated the same time of feelings), so right now you're someone who has hurt her feelings etc.

 

I would say to give her a but of space and time right now. Not saying you should give up on her because you do like her, but just a be a bit more patient and wait for her to come to you instead of you going to her.

[SethSLC]

Thank you for your advice. I will do my best to give her as much space and time as she needs and should she approach me to talk I will then see if she wants to try and resolve this.