Theankh Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 This is a bit of a long story. My boyfriend and I have been together nearly three years. We met online and have been living together for over a year now. We have a joint account, we split everything, and up until maybe four months ago we were talking about getting engaged in the near future. Now, everything feels like it's falling apart. To start with, he hates the festive season. He had a terrible childhood, which he won't talk to me about in any real detail, so I don't fully know why, just that he had an abusive step-father and that Christmas was a bad time of year. I love the season and spending the time with my family, so the last three Christmases have been miserable for me - he doesn't like attending family events with me because he'd rather sit at home and forget Christmas even exists, so when he does come along he isn't very sociable, and when he doesn't come along I get questions about why he's not with me. He smokes pot. He smokes it every single day, and he's tried to give up before but always gone back to it. I don't smoke, never have, and I didn't really realise when we first got together how much of a habit it is for him. He's not stable. He was unemployed when we met but got a job not long afterwards. Since we've been together he's had numerous temp jobs or ones that just didn't work out. He's been fired at least once, and not kept on after a temp job because he was off sick too much. At the end of November last year, he again ended up out of work. We were already a little bit in debt because I was made redundant at the start of the year (the only time I've ever been out of work), but had found a job three months later, so we were getting better. Since he was out of work, I was miserable. I took on an additional hours work every day at my new job, and started delivering catalogues in my spare time, and finding any other ways I could to make money and pay our bills. While he would sit at home and play video games and browse the internet for jobs. I started to get resentful that he was unemployed, but still expected me to cook most of the time. We even had a conversation about it and he flat out said 'I'm not cooking every day' and we ended up agreeing that he'd do maybe three days! So I was still doing the majority, despite being out of the house for eleven hours every day and then additional work on the side. After a month of this, around Christmas when things were their most difficult, I started talking to a guy online about my problems. We were both on the same forum, but he lives on the other side of the world to me. Over time, we started talking more and more. To cut a long story short, it got to the point where he would text me first thing in the morning when I got up, then we'd IM all day while I was working, and then I'd call him on my walk home. He told me if I ever wanted to come visit him, he'd buy me a ticket, and he was talking about coming to see me in August this year when he's on holiday. I was completely swept away by him. He made me feel so happy, and amazing. I know that's pretty much how all affairs make people feel, I know it's not real life. But even though it started out as flirting, the more we talked the more we found we had in common. He told me things about his past that he'd never told anyone. It was completely mutual, we spent all day thinking about each other and were almost constantly in contact. Then Monday night, he ended it. He said he knew I loved my boyfriend and that it was arrogant of him to think he could just seduce me away from my entire life to be with him. We had a long conversation about it and were both in floods of tears the whole time. I've not been as miserable as this for a long time. However, he brought home to me the reality of what we'd been doing, which for me I had been avoiding thinking about because I was so happy just talking to him. My boyfriend got a job and started it last week, so financially, things will start to look up soon. He has no idea that I've gotten emotionally close to someone else, because once we've had dinner together he spends all evening playing online with his friends, and I could just sit on my laptop talking to this other guy. I told a close friend a short version of what I was feeling and she said I needed to work out whether I'd want to be with my boyfriend if this other guy weren't around. Which makes sense to me. So what I'm trying to do now is figure that out. But I have no idea how. I love him, I know that, but I also know that loving someone doesn't mean you're right for each other. I felt so resentful of him when he was out of work. I don't feel like I can rely on him to look after me in the same way that I look after him. He's irresponsible - I've organised and set up all our bills and accounts, because if we get a bill in he either doesn't open it, or leaves it because he doesn't like dealing with them. He's very kind and loving in a short-term way - when I'm sick he'll bring me pills and food and be sweet to me, but he refuses to accept that things like his credit score are important because they affect our future, like whether we can buy a house. I know that he'd marry me and we both want kids. But how would we manage when he can hardly hold down a job? Even this new job he's started is only ad hoc, so he's never guaranteed work, it's just as and when it comes up. I feel like... I love him as a person. But I hate how our life is and how this is probably all I have to look forward to, years of trying to organise him and support us both. Our actual relationship is fairly smooth. We don't argue much at all, if ever, hardly ever bicker about things. It's just all this other stuff makes me so tense and frightened for our future. How am I meant to weigh up whether being with him is worth all the insecurity and worry? I am not including the other man in these thoughts. If me and my boyfriend did split up then yeah, I would probably get back in touch with him and see if he wanted to see where things go. But I don't want him to be a factor in what I choose. Please, does anyone have any advice on how I can make this decision? Link to comment
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.