6-month Update

[Heidern]

Broke up at the end of August last year after being together for 6 years (got dumped 3 times by her during that time before getting engaged for the last 2 years). She swore to me that she wasn't leaving me for someone else but -surprise surprise- she is now dating the same guy she started talking to 5 months before she dumped me. She's 24 and the new guy is 19 (yikes!). I was her first boyfriend and she was my first girlfriend, and I was kinda hoping she would be my last as well. I'm 26.

 

So, how am I feeling? Well, I got strung along for a couple of months -till about middle of December- when I finally had enough of it and let my frustration out. The end of last year and beginning of this year were just absolutely awful, but I'm slowly regaining my will to do things. 15 days of strict NC at the beginning of January helped me a lot, and since then I've only talked to her once about 3 weeks ago. When we talked I managed to control my emotions and didn't say anything stupid, and told her that I wanted to bury the hatchet (despite not being the person who ended the relationship). I've gone from reading their Facebook conversations (sent to me by a girl who liked him after our BU) on a daily-basis to now avoiding anything that reminds me of her. This last week was a tough one as I spent some time thinking about her complaints when we were still together (her biggest complaint being that I didn't take enough chances as she felt she was the one pushing me around to do things) and looked through some of her things. I realize that in a way she was right: I wasn't very good when it came to making big decisions. I'm the kind of guy who measures once, then twice, then three times, then finally a fourth time before cutting. I've been working on that and preparing myself for some big decisions that I hope I can make by the end of the year (i.e. move out, get a better job, finish school). So that's that.

 

I've been hanging out with a good friend of mine for the last couple of months. She's also going through a tough break-up, the biggest difference being that her ex was verbally abusive and treated her like crap. Going out and doing different things with her certainly helps. I'm not the outgoing type, but I'm learning that it's something I need to change for my own good. I'm going to pick up photography and start hitting the gym once again -neck injuries suck, especially when they last a month! So my goals are set, I'm slowly gathering energy to do everything on my list. First up is quitting my job, something I've been meaning to do for quite a while. Wish me luck

 

What have I learned so far? Never trust anyone, and that includes myself. My heart kept telling me to go after her, but now I can appreciate how stupid that was. I've learned that people move on at different speeds, and I say this because she is 100% over me (she's with the other dude so yeah) whereas I'm nowhere near that figure. 6 years down the drain, but at least I managed to get something good out of it. I've always known that I'm nowhere near perfect, that I need to take care of several issues before I jump into a relationship again. I think my personality is OK, but some things need to go (i.e. laziness, indifference towards others, etc.) I'm currently not interested in anybody, but I'm sure one day I'll experience love again... Love seems to show up when I least need it. That's how it was the first and only time, I was pretty damn happy being by myself when it hit me

 

Good luck everybody. Remember that you're the most important in your life, so treat yourself to some happiness

[nfusion]

I'm happy to hear that this is the time for you and you have goals and plans to achieve. Your first love can never be forgotten and I'm sure she still cares about you, but is just distracted by this new guy. 6 years is a long time and it would be almost impossible to be completely over someone. There will always be lingering feelings, whether they are taken into action or not. The most important aspect of this all is that you have assessed the whole relationship and what you learned/gained out of it. You will and probably already have become a stronger person. My relationship ended a few months ago and I've become very selfish with my time. I now focus on myself and my needs. I'm in school, working and definitely going to the gym (helps a bunch with stress and all). Each day that passes with NC makes it so much easier. You know it and You seem really wise with the next steps to take.

 

You are the most important person in your life. Loving yourself is the greatest love of all =)

 

Best of luck to you.

[MissieP]

Good for you! I hope one day I can be right where you are. Right now I am hitting my almost 3 month mark. It seems like yesterday I am getting stronger everyday but I also have my moments of weakness and get sad. Congrats on your 6 month mark!

[EgoJoe]

The eighty - twenty theory in action. Gigs blah blah blah.

 

Basically dude, it works like this: things are bad, stale, dull etc. in a relationship and go past the PONR excitement comes in the form of someone else and unless someone is mature enough to realize this is what is happening. POW, I love this other person more etc. etc.

 

Not always the case because sometimes they stay together. But, typically things like this don't last. NOW, don't wait, expect or desire her back. You will either find someone else or she will grow up and realize everything she did wrong etc. etc. but don't count on it. She is more likely to demonize you to justify her actions and avoid guilt.

 

 

When you say you let your frustration out, did you tell her off?

[MarnDark]

Same place as you. 6 months here and it's hard to believe at times. Doesn't feel that long since the break up, but feels like forever since I had her. Glad you are feeling better. There are sure to be down days, but it will all be worth it in the long run. Take care.

[Heidern]

The eighty - twenty theory in action. Gigs blah blah blah.

 

Basically dude, it works like this: things are bad, stale, dull etc. in a relationship and go past the PONR excitement comes in the form of someone else and unless someone is mature enough to realize this is what is happening. POW, I love this other person more etc. etc.

 

Not always the case because sometimes they stay together. But, typically things like this don't last. NOW, don't wait, expect or desire her back. You will either find someone else or she will grow up and realize everything she did wrong etc. etc. but don't count on it. She is more likely to demonize you to justify her actions and avoid guilt.

 

 

When you say you let your frustration out, did you tell her off?

Yeah, I've read about GIGS, but at this point I'm going with what you said... No need to give myself hope or anything like that. I'm confident one day I'll find someone who appreciates me for who I am WITHOUT having to consider 2nd or 3rd options. When she broke up with me I told her I was either plan A or nothing, and as a result she pursued me for an entire month as though as I was the dumper. Once I asked her to commit, she stepped back and said she wasn't thinking about us and that she had to take care of herself -all of this before a good 10 min. make-out session. She kept talking to the guy while periodically checking in with me saying that she loved me. I let my frustration out by the end of December, told her that what she had done was forked up and letting her know that unfortunately I was still in love with her, but I deserved better.

 

It seems that if I had kept my cool and ignored her from the very beginning I'd probably be with her right now, but then again it would be a matter of time before this frogged up sheet happened again. I'm better off learning how to deal with this than to trust her again. Like you said, she's justifying her actions by telling others that there were WAY too many things wrong with me... Took her 6 years to realize that... lol

[Heidern]

Same place as you. 6 months here and it's hard to believe at times. Doesn't feel that long since the break up, but feels like forever since I had her. Glad you are feeling better. There are sure to be down days, but it will all be worth it in the long run. Take care.

It's tough... I'm not going to pretend I'm really happy, but I can tell you that I'm feeling waaaaaayy better than how I felt two months ago. The good thing about sinking so low is that from then on you can only go up Thanks for the encouragement.

[Heidern]

I still find it hard to believe that she's completely over me, but then again she knows herself best. Last time I spoke to her I let her know she deserved to be happy, but then again so do I. I'm very interested to see where I'm going to be by the end of the year. I'm really really looking forward to it!

Thanks for your input, really appreciate it.

[Heidern]

Good for you! I hope one day I can be right where you are. Right now I am hitting my almost 3 month mark. It seems like yesterday I am getting stronger everyday but I also have my moments of weakness and get sad. Congrats on your 6 month mark!

My breakup was a real mess since there were other things happening as well, like work issues, school, family problems, etc. It feels like it happened yesterday because you were 100% into it while the other person had already figured out her exit plan. You didn't stand a chance, but now you do! I honestly believe things will get better, and the same will happen for you as well.