on the edge.. how do i break up with her? should i?

[phillipfill]

My girlfriend is bipolar. She has been molested by her father and her uncle. She was physically hit by her parents when she was younger, throughout middle school. She can be a very sweet and loving girl, but at other times can be controlling and abusive towards me.

 

She has had problems with using alcohol as an escape. She has been in 2 abusive relationships and has been raped by an ex-boyfriend twice. I cannot get any images of all of this abuse out of my head. I feel so bad for my girlfriend (of a year) and love her more than anything. However, I feel I cannot ever be completely happy being with her due to all of this trauma in her life.

 

She has cheated on me multiple times, and also hid her ex-boyfriend whom used to visit her house every other day. Most of the time, it led to her being hit or pushed around by the ex.

 

I no longer know what to do. She has promised over and over she will not cheat, she will not hide things, and she will change. This is so hard for me and I care about her so much. She says I am the first male in her life that cares about her this much, I am terrified of how miserable she may be if I leave her.

 

Should I break up with her? If so, how would i go about doing it? i would feel so guilty and bad, but i dont know if that pain will be more or less than what I feel now. Please help..

[miracle29]

Wow this was difficult for me to respond to but i wanna try to help you. I too was viciously assaulted by an ex boyfriend. It has caused me severe trust issues with men however I dont cheat. See thats what part of this thread bothers me. Cheating to me is the end all be all. Cheating is a one shot deal with me. If she was just moody or strange because she was hurt thats one thing, but her multiple affairs on you is disturbing and I wouldnt put up with it. that part alone seems to be the deal breaker.

[miracle29]

..now the father molesting her and this rape is a horrible thing but she needs to seek severe and immeadiate therapy. If she is using her rape and molestation as an excuse to cheat and hurt you than Im sorry but you will regret staying. What if u have a child? She also drinks to self soothe thats deal breaker number two to me. So imagine your future with me will you? youre stuck trying to normalize a family while shes philandering and lushing about? Whats to love here? if she wasnt drinking/cheating maybe..

[MikNomis]

Unfortunately, even if she was a victim and has a tough past, I don't really think cheating and lying to you can be excused because of that.

 

You said she made the same promises over and over. That means she has already proven herself unreliable and not true to her words. And pretty much usually this is something that will not change without a good amount of time apart, thinking, and effort to change.

 

So I would say yes, you should break up with her. How do you do it? Well, it's easy to say how, just not easy to do of course but here it goes anyway: Tell her "we need to talk." Then tell her you think it's best you two go your separate ways now because you don't think you feel the same way about her as you used to anymore. Everything else will be intuitive and also situational.

 

Also, do try to answer all of her questions firmly and try not to say anything that she can misinterpret as hope that you two will get back together if she cares at all about that.

 

Good luck, and it's not your fault. It's just bad luck.

[DN]

It is very sad that she was a victim of violence and abuse but that does not mean you have to be a victim as well.

[Emmalin]

Does she have other friends or family that are at all stable or supportibe of her? My thought is, she can get help & heal from what has happened to her, but she may not be motivated to do so if you are there & willing to accept her destructive behavior. I know you care for her, and don't want to leave her alone, but this is not a healthy relationship for either of you, nor is she dealing with wounds that time alone will heal.

There are multiple things going on here, too. You say she's bipolar. Has she been diagnosed as such, or is that just an assessment based on her behavior? It could be PTSD, which is different. If she has been diagnosed, even if it was a misdiagnosis, it means she at one time had access to a mental health professional who could help her, and she needs to get that back. Medication's fine, but she needs to be in therapy as well.

The other thing you said that hit home for me was, you seem to have trouble getting past all the abuse yourself. She has probably been treated as "damaged goods" her whole life, and you may actually be perpetuating that. By treating her as if she must be coddled, by excusing the cheating and excessive drinking as something she can't control, you're basically agreeing that she's defective and can't be held to the same standards as other "normal" people. Coming back from abuse like that is hard enough without the belief that you're not as strong or capable as others....

[Emmalin]

..... I think you know that you can't stay, but your first question was, how to leave? I don't know, but you have to be honest with her. Don't initiate the conversation while you guys are fighting or while she's drunk. Do you live together, does she live alone/ with roommates? Maybe alert someone who cares about her to the situation and if you live together, don't leave her with a lot of extra stuff to deal with, like, don't make her pack your stuff or ditch out on the utilities or anything. Be as involved as you want, but it is your responsibility to get yourself out of this situation, cuz it will more than likely get worse as time goes on. IF you decide to stay with her, you must make it clear that you love her because of who she is, not because she's a wounded bird to care for. (Unless that is, in fact, why you love her, in which case, you need to look at that too.) Don't put her back in the place where her destructive behavior is acceptable.