should i have to be happy ALL the time?

[prettydeadroses]

my boyfriend expects me to be happy and in a good mood all the time and laughing. when i'm not or if i am moody or quiet he gets annoyed and says he likes when i talk. he says he loves to hear my laughter. i don't always feel like talking. and when he calls me so much during the day i run out of things today or i may be tired later and my mood may not be as upbeat as it was earlier. tonight he got upset cause i wasn't talking a lot and hasn't called me or talked to me anymore tonight.i feel so exhausted trying to be happy and talkative all the time and always supposed to be in a good mood. he gets grumpy a lot too but he wll say it's cause of me but usually it's cause he is. what should i do? how can someone possibly be in a good mood or laugh 24/7???

[RitaTrue]

That's an unrealistic expectation. No one can be happy all the time. Not even your boyfriend. If he feels that he is happy all the time, he needs to get checked out clinically.

 

The only way I can see this being healthy, is if you're battling depression, and he's trying to encourage you to be more optimistic somehow. But if you're already ok, and he's trying to fix you to be what he wants, then your relationship will end, because you can only fake who you are for so long without becoming resentful, angry, or irritated.

 

I speak from experience.

 

You need to either let him know, how you really are (and have him take or leave it), or get yourself a new man.

 

People who try to change their SO to suit them get on my last nerves.

[DN]

No, of course you don't. He's being silly. You are not his entertainment unit he can switch on to make his day better.

[Emmalin]

He probably doesn't mean to do this, but he's putting a lot of pressure on you to do something that's not possible. I'd go crazy. If he honestly believes that you can, or should, only feel and act in a specific way at all times, that's a problem with him, not you. You should be allowed to feel what you feel and express it. Yikes. How frustrating.

[Captain Obvious]

Noone is going to be happy all the time but if youre in situations where youre getting moody or quiet a lot then you can understand thats not nice. I say you think about how you being moody comes about and have a talk to him on how youre going to solve the problem. If you dont always feel like talking then why not tell him youre talking too much, if hes not willing to work with you to solve the problem then itll never be fixed.

[JonasWaingaro]

Of course you aren't expected to be happy 24/7. You are entitled to your moods and feelings just like he is. He needs to mature a bit I'd guess. People aren't circus clowns, always on to entertain others.

[Capricorn3]

Is HE is a good mood, happy and laughing 24/7? I highly doubt it and if not, then he can't expect it of you either. He's being totaly unrealistic.

[Leya]

OMG, I dated a guy for many years and near the end of it, he actually came out and said to me "I expect you to be happy %99.9 of the time."

Whaaaat? I was just...flabbergasted. But for him, he meant it...bottom line, he simply COULD NOT DEAL with ANYTHING that was even SLIGHTLY hard or negative.

At one point, we were sitting on the couch, holding hands, talking about our relationship (trying to salvage it) - totally civil..but you know, emotionally difficult..and he broke away and said "I Can't handle this"

His MOM died and he never grieved. He shut it away, didn't deal with it.

Then I dated ANOTHER guy who couldn't handle it when I was upset. Again, I had to be happy happy all the time. Sorry! Not gonna happen. My current guy not only allows for me to have the full range of emotions, but he can handle it with ease.

 

Bottom line, no one should expect anyone to be happy all the time (esp. for THEIR benefit). Life has it's ups and downs. We have a full range of thoughts, feelings, emotions.

He should be concerned for YOU when you are feeling down. Not how it's affecting himself. (which is what those two guys I mentioned, were doing...it was all about how it was effecting THEM...they were not concerned for ME and why I was feeling down)

[annie24]

I can see why a guy would want to date a girl who is happy most of the time. It's no fun to hear someone whine and complain. It's nice to have a pretty, bouncing girlfriend on your arm. But I agree that it's not really realistic.

 

Do you think you are upset/down a lot, or just a normal amount?

[Captain Obvious]

OMG, I dated a guy for many years and near the end of it, he actually came out and said to me "I expect you to be happy %99.9 of the time."

 

Whats wrong with being in a good mood 99.9% of the time?

[Leya]

Whats wrong with being in a good mood 99.9% of the time?

 

It would be wonderful!! No question! I would LOVE to be happy all the time But real life gets in the way! Bad stuff happens that you have to deal with. It's just the sad reality.

And I stress REALITY. crappy but true.

 

And I NEVER expect my partner to be happy all the time - crappy stuff happens to him, too. And I will allow him to feel his feelings and try to support him as he works through it.

[Tom1990]

Yeah, I'm one of those guys, myself. I think (for me anyway) it's partly the media, partly jealousy. We think our gf laughing and smiling means a healthy relationship, and also if anyone else makes our gf smile or laugh, it means we're failing as a boyfriend.

 

Recently my gf started buying a home, and has a ton of crazy work stuff going on, including work-related travel, so she told me quite plainly that she's just going to be stressed and grumpy for a while. I told her I'll take that as a cue to back the heck away unless she asks for me. She thanked me for saying that. Of course I'm still keeping an eye/ear out for those moments that she needs me but is too proud/grumpy/sad to admit it....

[RedDress]

I dunno... I think this is a question of temperment and compatibility. Honestly? I am happy 99% of the time. My "default" is happy. Unless you do something to disturb my happy state, I am happy. And I don't think I'm mentally ill. LOL! When I have troubles, I sit down, think about what I need to do to make it better and... yanno... resolve to do it. Then I can be happy again. While things aren't perfect (they never will be) - I have a plan. How many deep life-shaking crises do you have going on anyways?? If you have that many problems, perhaps things in your life need to change or you are taking things too personally. Maybe I'm just laid back (that is true too).

 

I guess I have the opposite problem where I don't really understand why some people brood and brew in things.

 

There is a quote somewhere from the Dalai Lama that says something to the effect of "If there are things that you are worried about that you can change - don't worry, change them. If there are things that you are worried about that you cannot change, stop worrying because you cannot change them". It's really kind of true. Everything falls into one of those two categories. Either do something about it or accept that you can't or won't. Then be happy.

 

I don't think either side should be calling each other mentally ill. LOL! I think it's just another area of compatibility. No offense... but I find these dark moody/emotional/broody people quite draining. Do something or don't - yanno? Don't just brood there and make everyone around you miserable... Everyone's allowed to sometimes... but in my books, sometimes should be every few months - not every few days.

[Emmalin]

There are different states of happiness, though! I am happy, maybe not 99.9%, but most of the time, but it doesn't mean I'm always laughing & bouncing. Most of the time I am quietly content, often I am actually in awe of something and silent. This isn't about how she feels, it's about how he wants her to behave.

[bulletproof]

I think this is a really hard question to answer on a forum since we have no idea how often you are moody and quiet. Is it on a daily basis? Weekly? Did he actually say you have to be happy all the time, or is that your interpretation of it?

 

I also think there is such a thing as feeling neutral. You might not be happy on a given day, but if the only other option is moody, then that's a problem. Do you feel like it is always one extreme or the other, as opposed to just having a regular day?

 

I have been with moody guys and honestly, it's exhausting. I got tired of having to cajole them out of their moods. This may be what your boyfriend is trying to say.

[Leya]

It's funny - I was just thinking about an ex whom I dated for almost a year.

He was NEVER in a bad mood....but yet never got happy or excited about anything.

He was just always in neutral. And so for me, the relationship was just so "blah". And I became "Blah" when I was around him.

But as I referenced in an earlier post, he was one of the two exes whom couldn't handle it when I was in a bad mood (which doesn't happen very often...I am known as good-tempered, naturally smiley person)

 

He also couldn't handle my sense of humour. (And in fact, he once proposed to a former girlfriend and she ended up refusing and stated it was because he didn't have a sense of humour and wasn't fun enough) He never smiled, never was playful - didn't like it when I was playful, etc. For me, that is very important to get through the daily grind of life!

 

I need a partner who, when I am not in a good mood, can handle it and support me..and allows for me to not be happy and perfect ALL the time. And in good times, we can laugh together and be silly. And I have found him.