IRefuseToSink Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 I can't get out of this funk you guys...i'm getting really depressed again. We keep breaking NC. It's so hard... I didn't break NC, he did this time...and now I haven't been able to stop contacting him again... mom tells me to stop because he's not even very nice when we talk. But I can't help it. I feel like it's a drug...It's sad because i STILL want him back, even after 5 months. I feel like there's someone out there for me someday..but i'm done waiting, I had someone who was my everything and I want them back.. I don't know what to do. I'm ready for him to come back. NOW. Link to comment
lostlion Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 I know how you feel wanting him back dearly even though I want her back in my case. All I can say is keep fighting for YOURSELF. Don't give into this weakness. Live strong. Link to comment
OldSoul86 Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 I can't get out of this funk you guys...i'm getting really depressed again. We keep breaking NC. It's so hard... I didn't break NC, he did this time...and now I haven't been able to stop contacting him again... mom tells me to stop because he's not even very nice when we talk. But I can't help it. I feel like it's a drug...It's sad because i STILL want him back, even after 5 months. I feel like there's someone out there for me someday..but i'm done waiting, I had someone who was my everything and I want them back.. I don't know what to do. I'm ready for him to come back. NOW. IRefuseToSink, I'm so sorry that you are struggling again with your breakup. I advise you as a fellow ENA'er to please stop talking to him. If he refuses to keep no contact with you then it is up to you to make sure you don't talk to him. All talking to him is doing is setting you back to square one. Your mom said it best, when you and your ex talk it is not even pleasant - you need to ask yourself if it is fair to yourself to settle for less than you deserve. I honestly think that you deserve much better than your ex. You may not realize it now, but once you heal up and put yourself out there there will be someone who appreciates you more than your ex ever could. Please do not fall back into the trap of getting into a circular relationship with your ex, it may be comforting, but do you want to be comfortable and unhappy, or happy without the dependence of your ex (this is the much tougher route - but in my opinion the most viable option for you.) THE HARDEST part about no contact is sticking to it. You must keep the notion that every time you break no contact you regress instead of making progress. Getting over someone you truly loved is exactly like curbing a drug addiction. Do you honestly believe that you are in the right state of mind to be in a relationship with anyone right now (regardless if it is your ex or not?) You need to be at peace with yourself before you even think about entering a relationship because you are cheating yourself and your partner. You haven't given yourself enough time to objectively analyze statements such as "I had someone who was my everything." Only by giving yourself time and space are you able to objectively analyze whether or not the relationship and your ex was perfect. If things were good and the dumper considers reconciliation only then you should you reevaluate your stance on the relationship. Until then, no contact, and stick to it. Get your emotions in check and let time do its thing. If your ex broke up with you they do not consider you worthy enough to be in a relationship with, you need to always remember that. I don't know about you, but the fact that I was not worthy enough for my ex would be a pretty serious red flag that needed to be addressed before I even considered reconciliation. For your well-being and dignity, politely ask your ex to stop contacting you. Clearly you need some extended no contact time to sort yourself out. If he does not comply with your request then you may need to take more drastic measures to make sure he cannot contact you. Please feel free to PM me if you need to, we are all here for you, and want what is best for you! OldSoul Link to comment
DN Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 I feel like there's someone out there for me someday..but i'm done waiting, I had someone who was my everything and I want them back.. I don't know what to do. I'm ready for him to come back. The second statement is impeding you getting the first. You have to let go of this guy to meet that special someone. Link to comment
IRefuseToSink Posted February 22, 2012 Author Share Posted February 22, 2012 You guys are all very right...I just wish i knew HOW to let go. Or how to tell him what i'm feeling. He doesn't want to talk about that kind of stuff, I don't really understand it... Link to comment
bigbang Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 You guys are all very right...I just wish i knew HOW to let go. Or how to tell him what i'm feeling. He doesn't want to talk about that kind of stuff, I don't really understand it... IRefuseToSink, There's no need for you to tell him how you feel. He knows. He doesn't want to talk about those things, because quite sadly he does not care. I'm sorry to be so harsh on you, but you NEED to not contact him and ignore his contact attempts. Think about it, every time he feels a little bit of nostalgia, he decides to send you a text... You answer him excited and happy because you miss him. Then he gets his hit and keeps on with his life. The day he finds somebody else, he won't contact you anymore and you're going to be left out there in the cold. Get your dignity back from this guy. Stop giving him everything and rather take everything back and keep it to yourself. Let him know what life is without you... COMPLETELY. No calls, no text, no smoke signals... NOTHING. Stop putting your life on hold for him, he does not deserve this, he does not deserve you feeling this miserable, while he is out there LIVING. I know that it's not easy, as I'm six months post-break up. But, you will NOT feel better until you contact the problem from root. Link to comment
IRefuseToSink Posted February 22, 2012 Author Share Posted February 22, 2012 ^I know you're right...Why do I still love this man who clearly wants nothing to do with me anymore? I don't understand...why can't I just be over him like everyone tells me to be? Link to comment
OldSoul86 Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 ^I know you're right...Why do I still love this man who clearly wants nothing to do with me anymore? I don't understand...why can't I just be over him like everyone tells me to be? It will come in time. I promise you - but you need to satisfy the prerequisite of time. As hard as it is, you have to know that you are doing this because you love yourself, you respect yourself, and that your ex does not deserve a modicum of attention from you after the way he has treated you! Trust that time will work its magic on you IRefuseToSink. Don't let your ex crush your spirit and your will to carry on. Link to comment
MissieP Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 I know how you feel I have been in your shoes. I didn't want to let go and I kept holding on thinking well maybe...... One day he contacted me and told me how he basically didn't want me anymore and he was in love with her. I admit it hurt and crushed me however soon reality hit me and I realized we will never ever be together again and I slowly realized it is probably a good thing considering how mean he was and sure he can admit how he changed but deep down I know he will never change. My point is this.... Sometimes you have to let go and realize you cannot go back and it is okay to take occasional trips down memory lane and it is okay to feel sad and miss them from time to time but sweetie you have to let go of him okay? He isn't coming back and wishing for him to come back not only will make you depressed but it will take away from your day to day activities. I know you want to tell him how you feel but it is over and clearly he has moved on ( hate to say that) and all the begging in the world will not bring him back. It's called a break-up because it is broken I am not trying to be mean but you need a dose of reality kinda like I did. I realized he had moved on and I cannot turn back time and make things go back to what they used to be because it is over. I promise it'll be okay Link to comment
bigbang Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 ^I know you're right...Why do I still love this man who clearly wants nothing to do with me anymore? I don't understand...why can't I just be over him like everyone tells me to be? I'm sorry you feel this way. Nobody said that it was going to be easy. I still love my ex-girlfriend to pieces. But, she chose to be without me, thus, I'm letting her go. You should do the same. Link to comment
lolgirl Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 You guys are all very right...I just wish i knew HOW to let go. Or how to tell him what i'm feeling. He doesn't want to talk about that kind of stuff, I don't really understand it... I echo all the posts before me. By going NC, you will heal over time, your natural instincts will take over. There is no need to figure out how to do it, it will just happen. Kinda like when you receive a cut on your skin, your body just heals itself. Sure, you might have some scars but you look at those scars and have a fleeting moment of how you received that cut, but it doesn't physically hurt anymore. Over time, that scar might disappear and you'll never even remember it. If it stays, you will always look at it and remember how you will never hurt that same way again. Link to comment
IRefuseToSink Posted February 22, 2012 Author Share Posted February 22, 2012 Thanks everyone for being here for me...It's so difficult to do what you're saying...I feel like everywhere I go, there is a memory of him, or he's there. I feel like these past 5 months have literally been hell, and I haven't been able to climb out. Everytime I think i'm getting coder to crawling out of this hole, I get drug down deeper. I feel like I still love him in every way, and I feel like i'm not allowing myself to move on because I am still waiting around, which i KNOW is the worst thing to do. But I don't know how to stop a feeling... Link to comment
MissieP Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 Have you thought about speaking to a counselor? I have spoken to a counselor and it helped my healing process so much. Link to comment
bigbang Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 Thanks everyone for being here for me...It's so difficult to do what you're saying...I feel like everywhere I go, there is a memory of him, or he's there. I feel like these past 5 months have literally been hell, and I haven't been able to climb out. Everytime I think i'm getting coder to crawling out of this hole, I get drug down deeper. I feel like I still love him in every way, and I feel like i'm not allowing myself to move on because I am still waiting around, which i KNOW is the worst thing to do. But I don't know how to stop a feeling... You will still love him and you will still be in that hole for as long as you keep talking to him. STOP THAT. It will take time, it will be painful, but you will come out of it. You just need to decide that you want what's best for you, and not what you think gives you better chances for a reconciliation. You need to kill this hope. Let go of him day by day. But, by no means have any contact. Don't answer him...ignore him completely. Link to comment
FreeFallFeelin Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 IRefuse, none of us can "stop a feeling". I know exactly what you mean when you say "it's like a drug" ...it's taken over every cell of your being and there is no escape. Every single person on this board is feeling or has felt this same exact way. We all feel crazy and overwhelmed and just want it all to just go away. But it's not going to. So you have to learn to listen and take head to the good advice you find here on ENA, and trust these folks when they advise you to not contact your ex, tell him to stop contacting you, etc. The pain does not go away, but the sharpness dulls when you aren't constantly opening that wound. Link to comment
nfusion Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 I agree with OldSoul. Each time you break NC, you are regressing instead of progressing. We all know it's HARD, but you need to do this for yourself. YOU HAVE SELF WORTH, Keep your dignity, let go of him and move forward. You can't force someone to be with you or love you the way you want them to. Even if you could, why would you? You want something genuine, not forced. Trust me, most of us have experienced what you are going through. These days ahead will be very difficult, but you will get through this. You just have to commit and promise yourself that enough is enough and you ARE moving forward. We are here for support. Keep Strong. Link to comment
IRefuseToSink Posted February 22, 2012 Author Share Posted February 22, 2012 I'm trying to stay strong..I swear I am..but i'm moments away from begging him to come back, pleading and asking why he would leave me...what did I do that was so horrible, and why can't I have another shot?? Link to comment
DN Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 I'm trying to stay strong..I swear I am..but i'm moments away from begging him to come back, pleading and asking why he would leave me...what did I do that was so horrible, and why can't I have another shot??It doesn't work that way, unfortunately. He has a right not to be in a relationship with you for whatever reason that makes sense to him even if it wasn't something horrible that you did. His leaving you is about what he wants. Don'r be blaming him or yourself - the key word here is 'acceptance'. Link to comment
MissieP Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 He just broke up with you. So really, he's not that great a guy, unless you are just an awful person, which we don't think you are. Or you broke it off with him, so he can't be that great or you would still be together. It's the paradox of a break-up. There seems to be a need to say nice things about the person who just broke your heart, and we get that. You don't want to seem bitter, and you don't want to tell the world that the guy you gave your heart and a large part of your time to is an * * * * * * * . Your pride doesn't need the additional blow of having your friends and family think you're a loser for being with him in the first place. It's okay if you don't want to be seem petty or knock down someone you once cared about. HOWEVER, we must warn you that there are two conditions that afflict many refugees of recent breakups. First is what we call Revisionist Romance Disorder. RRD, like an acute case of 20/20 Blindsight, creates an inability to see the past as it actually happened. Additionally, those who suffer from Revisionist Romance Disorder cannot control the need to rewrite their relationship to match the feelings they want to have about it. With RRD, an incessant cheater becomes "a really good guy" who was just scared of getting too close. The drunk that forgot your birthday becomes "the one that got away." It's an easily identifiable disease, but like all afflictions, the first step to overcoming it is to admit you have a problem. And your problem is that if you truly want to move on, you need to stop rewriting the past and see your relationship for what it was: the good and the bad, the ups and downs, the baffling, the maddening, and the ridiculous." From link removed /archive/index.php?t-112.html "Can you really get over someone this fast? POST: Hey all, I don't know if you remember me from my earlier posts about me and my now exboyfriend. He kept going back and forth from knowing what he wanted, to not, and my feelings couldn't take the constant back and forth. I broke up with him a week ago today and I read the book "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken: The Smart Girl's Break-Up Buddy" which put a lot of things about the break up in perspective, like making sure you look at the relationship for what it was, instead of how you wanted it to be, or how great it was in the beginning. But honestly, I feel like I'm not completely 100% over it, but almost. I really truly feel like I'm already moving on, is that normal? We dated for 5 months with one 2 week break, but I honestly feel like I'm already done with the hard part of it. Most breakups have taken me several months to get over, why is this one different? POST: May I kindly suggest that read of your own post, will give you an answer. viz..."You are almost over it....."I honestly feel that I amover the hard part"..." I am already moving on". These are all part of the reasons why you are so far advanced with this break up. The other reason is also with your own words, fron your own reading...."It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken', ....and very clearly....making sure that you look at the relationship for what it was, instead of how you wanted it to be, or how great it was in the beginning. Bluntly, but courtesously put, it never really was, so there is very little to hang on to; and also you have gained more experience and hopefully maturity since the last "break-up" and are able to wear theselife experiences with more aplomb..... Go and be happy, leave the past, the sun has set, never to rise again on those days." From link removed /Get-Over-Your-First-Love "How to Get Over Your First Love Perhaps nothing is as painful as getting over your first love. It's not just any old break-up; this is the boy/girl who taught you what it means to fall in love. You thought you'd spend the rest of your lives together. You have a million and one inside jokes and memories that turn your heart to goo. Now that it's over, you're scared to death you'll never find anyone to ever replace them. Well, get over it! It's called a breakup 'cause it's broken! Steps 1. Cut off all communication with your ex. 2. Realize that just because this relationship is over, it doesn't mean that you'll never find love again. 3. Cry on your best friends' shoulders - this is what they are there for. 4. You love your best friends, so be considerate of them. 5. In retrospect, you will probably only remember what you love about your ex, and your happiest memories together. 6. Use your breakup as an impetus to become the person you have always wanted to be. 7. Do not hook up with your ex. 8. Resist the urge to have a rebound. 9. Buy a break-up book (just one) that won't look too pathetic on your bookshelf. (We highly suggest How to Get Over a Break Up by the Break Up Guru herself!) 10. Cry yourself to sleep if you must, and load up your iPod with the saddest love songs you can think of. 11. Do anything you can to make yourself feel sexy and desirable. 12. Endure the pain and loneliness bravely...with time, the pain will subside although you sure as heck don't believe that right now. 13. Try to avoid friends who are very close with your ex, or common friends, they are bound to talk about them and bring you down inadvertently." Read that it might help Link to comment
IRefuseToSink Posted February 23, 2012 Author Share Posted February 23, 2012 Thanks for taking the time for making such a long post..it really does help me..I can tell i'm looking at the past and thinking it was the best thing that ever happened to me...but i can't tell if it was real or i'm just exaggerating.. I'm so scared. Link to comment
bigbang Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 Thanks for taking the time for making such a long post..it really does help me..I can tell i'm looking at the past and thinking it was the best thing that ever happened to me...but i can't tell if it was real or i'm just exaggerating.. I'm so scared. If you're scared, be scared. If you're sad, be sad... Then let it all out, cry, run, swim, kick, eat, sleep.... Do whatever it takes. Do this for you, do this because you think you're worth more than this, don't ask for pitty from your ex. Don't ask for sympathy from your ex....simply because you dont need it! Treat yourself better, dress better, eat better, sleep better... Take it all from your ex and give it to yourself. You will get better,only if you want it, and I mean really want it. Link to comment
Jim Wormold Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 I feel the same way. 6 months post BU. Bumped into her recently and I knelt down before and apologised for the things I thought I had done wrong. She told me I was embarrassing her. To stand up. Later she told me "not now, not in one year, not in 10 years. I am not going back." The crassness or extreme nature of that statement only hurt me more. Like she hated me, which from her manner then didnt correspond at all. Was doing ok at times, but now I have hit another tunnel. Tried to meet up for coffee with 2 other women and didnt even get a reply. Had to double check my email program that it works. My third attempt I only got a "sorry, was busy" later on but no suggestion at trying again to meet. I know I shouldnt try to date, just seemed like meeting up for coffee and art show would pick me up a bit. To feel that there is a world out there. Maybe people just smell that I am off. The only thing that helps me now is wondering through the city alone, going to cafes and bookstores. Floating around. Trying to treat myself just a little to clothes and books. I know how you feel. Link to comment
IRefuseToSink Posted February 24, 2012 Author Share Posted February 24, 2012 ^Wow...I basically got the same response from my ex, so i know EXACTLY how it feels to hear that. Link to comment
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