lykkeli Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 I'm 22, he's 26. 6-month relationship so far. I am about to meet his close friend of 10 years tomorrow to ease my jealousy. But honestly, I don't know if I can truly trust him though I WANT to. It all started when I tried to break up with him. He immediately told me that his friend, "Alice", was gorgeous and I became angry. He then told me that he just said that to hurt me because I was breaking up with him. We eventually reconciled. In the next 3 months, I learned that he and Alice were friends since high school and he had liked her for two years then. They had also slept together a few years later on a drunken night. Nothing has happened since then. She is now married and trying to escape her abusive husband, as far as I know. My jealousy with her has become an issue. I get jealous whenever he wants to hang out with her, which is every 2-3 weeks as he says. They text about once a week. I haven't snuck into his phone, his emails, or anything. All of this information comes from me asking him questions. He made a point saying that I don't know how it feels to have a long, close friendship and that makes it hard for me to see their friendship. (I was a military brat and never really developed childhood/high school friendships). Recently, we had an argument about it and he left to her house and talked to her about it. I didn't know he did this until afterwards and I was extremely upset to the point of wanting to leave. I'm am very embarrassed about my jealousy, and I really want to get over it. But is he worth it? It really hurt he went to her, if anything, it makes me more distrustful. All three of us are hanging out tomorrow for the first time (all of us knowing that the purpose is for me to witness their friendship). I am nervous. Please help, I have no one to goto with a more rational mindset when it comes to jealousy. Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 You're NOT jealous. What he's doing is immature and selfish. This girl is an ex and they're way too close - I wouldn't tolerate this behavior at all. This guy is a total jerk and you don't need to waste your time on a low life like him. People doing sketchy things usually attack others to defend their behavior and he's doing that to you now. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 This does not sound like a healthy relationship at all. He is way to close to her as an ex. My BF is still in contact with some of his ex's as facebook friends and the occasional text message. But THIS is out of line IMO. The fact is, as you boyfriend, he should be doing everything he can to make you feel secure. He is failing as a boyfriend. You are not asking him to not be friends with her but to put up boundaries for your relationship. Have you asked him how he would feel if you were acting this way with a guy you had slept with? Link to comment
Huntress0527 Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 Your feelings are warranted and I wouldn't stay in the relationship. 1. They slept together 2. He told you she's gorgeous to make you angry 3. She's trying to leave her husband and no doubt will use your boyfriend as a crying shoulder Link to comment
soybeans Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 I was in a VERY similar situation with my ex. I wanted to believe that they really were just friends, but my instincts were telling me something else was going on. They were "friends" for around 10 years as well, and she was very pretty and single, which made it difficult for me to believe they never had a drunken hook-up (or more). I was uncomfortable with their friendship before I even met her- but when I DID finally, she was very rude and unwelcoming to me, which should have made me realize something was up. Her and I never really got along, I could tell she was being fake around me and when we would all hang out I felt a LOT of tension and my feelings were always challenged by him. Long story short, we broke up and he is with her now. I would say, give her a chance first, witness how they behave around each other but be on high alert. Be nice to her and see how she reacts, but don't go overboard. If my ex was honest about their past it probably would have made me insanely jealous too, but he hid it from me and made me believe I was being a psycho girlfriend. You have all the info you need... Link to comment
lykkeli Posted February 21, 2012 Author Share Posted February 21, 2012 pl3asehelp: Her ex-husband hits her and has threatened to kill her so I understand why he's maintaining the distance that he is with her. It's one of the main reasons I am giving them the benefit of the doubt. Moontiger: Yes, I have asked and he said that I had already done the same thing - referring to me talking to my friend about some problems my boyfriend and I have together (He looked into my phone after we had another argument about my jealousy about her). Link to comment
Moontiger Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 So, he is close with a female he has had sex with and invaded your privacy? RED FLAGS!!! edit: And he is not taking your feelings seriously. Link to comment
lykkeli Posted February 21, 2012 Author Share Posted February 21, 2012 Well, yeah but I asked him to see some texts one night and he let me....(after the argument). A few minutes later, he took my phone while I was sleeping and looked into it. I think I'm guilty of the same thing. Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 pl3asehelp: Her ex-husband hits her and has threatened to kill her so I understand why he's maintaining the distance that he is with her. It's one of the main reasons I am giving them the benefit of the doubt. Moontiger: Yes, I have asked and he said that I had already done the same thing - referring to me talking to my friend about some problems my boyfriend and I have together (He looked into my phone after we had another argument about my jealousy about her). Her ex husband hitting her is not your problem or your boyfriends problem. I don't understand what you mean by 'maintaining distance' and giving him the benefit of the doubt - what I'm saying is there should be NO contact between the two of them. And that you're NOT jealous - he's acting very inappropriately. Link to comment
lykkeli Posted February 21, 2012 Author Share Posted February 21, 2012 pl3asehelp, I meant maintaing the close distance that he has with her. One time, her husband went after her and she had asked to stay at his place for the night, to which he agreed. Of course I was jealous but hid it that one time, given that she was in a very bad situation. The more I type and talk about this, the more distressed I fell. The stress I get alone from this is a sure sign that I should leave and stop trying to puzzle things up. The trust is broken and I am more wary of things. I think I know what to do now. Thanks, everyone for your input. Anymore is welcome of course. Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 Just to reiterate, so you believe it, you're NOT being jealous. She can go stay at a shelter, or her parents house, a friend, or the house of anyone who isn't IN A RELATIONSHIP AND HAS SLEPT WITH HER. Link to comment
power-c Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 I think you might be getting slightly one-sided advice in this thread - I don't really understand why people don't give any value to the longstanding friendship this guy has with his highschool friend, especially as he's only been dating the OP for six months. It sounds like he's open with his gf when she asks questions about his friendship and has also been open about their sexual history together. Also, if I read it right, it's not like he slept with this friend recently, but rather back in high school? Personally, I'd never want to date a guy who would tell his close friend to "go stay at a shelter" when she came to him for help with a serious situation. I agree that boundaries need to be establish, but it sounds like he's trying to help establish them (e.g. by suggesting that they all hang out together). Also, I know from personal experience that people can be close friends with people they've been involved with in the past - one of my boyfriend's best friends (who is now one of my close friends too) is his old high school girlfriend. I've never been uncomfortable with their relationship because it's clearly platonic and has never posed a threat. Just my 2 cents. Link to comment
MikNomis Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 I agree with power-c. I don't really see enough of a reason to dump him. OP, you said this all started when you tried to break up with your boyfriend. What was the reason for that? Link to comment
RitaTrue Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 It sounds like he's open with his gf when she asks questions about his friendship and has also been open about their sexual history together. Also, if I read it right, it's not like he slept with this friend recently, but rather back in high school? Personally, I'd never want to date a guy who would tell his close friend to "go stay at a shelter" when she came to him for help with a serious situation. Forget a shelter, if that seems too harsh. She can go to her OWN friend's house. Or a distant relative's house. If she respects her friend and respects their relationship, she won't invite herself over to his place, and moreover he won't invite her to his place, knowing that his girlfriend feels negatively about that. That should be understood and respected. Going to her boyfriend's house is not needed. There are other places that she can go to for protection, from people who's she's familiar with. Like another member said the friend will definitely use her boyfriend as her crying shoulder, which is bad sense he's already sucked as making boundaries. The situation is a boiling pot, ready to spill over. A Single, distressed, "gorgeous" woman as her boyfriend called her+ close boyfriend who's bad at boundaries and making his girlfriend feel secure= opportunity for heartbreak. I agree that boundaries need to be establish, but it sounds like he's trying to help establish them (e.g. by suggesting that they all hang out together). I agree. That will be OP's chance to see what's going on, which is good. Also, I know from personal experience that people can be close friends with people they've been involved with in the past - one of my boyfriend's best friends (who is now one of my close friends too) is his old high school girlfriend. I've never been uncomfortable with their relationship because it's clearly platonic and has never posed a threat. Just my 2 cents. And THIS is why all of you were able to do this. And THIS is not the OP's case, or else she wouldn't be posting advice for her sketchy situation. I think you might be getting slightly one-sided advice in this thread - I don't really understand why people don't give any value to the longstanding friendship this guy has with his highschool friend, especially as he's only been dating the OP for six months. I can. And my reasons, from the OP, are in blue. I'm 22, he's 26. 6-month relationship so far. I am about to meet his close friend of 10 years tomorrow to ease my jealousy. But honestly, I don't know if I can truly trust him though I WANT to. It all started when I tried to break up with him. He immediately told me that his friend, "Alice", was gorgeous and I became angry. He then told me that he just said that to hurt me because I was breaking up with him. This is point #1. He knows that OP doesnt like her, so he calls her gorgeous. Just for that reason. You dont say "hey I think the girl you hate is gorgeous. But by the way, I still want you, let's get back together." At best, he lied. At worse, he was telling the truth: IS attracted to the other girl, but still wants the OP. The truth is: HE LIKES THIS OTHER WOMAN IS NOT WILLING TO GIVE HER UP. THAT is why he's willing to go through the bull of these arguments to keep her around. He's still attracted to her. And the fact that he called her gorgeous, was NOT a mistake. It slipped out. It was already in his mind. My honest 2 cents OP, if they had sex before and he's already attracted to her, it's basically a waiting game for opportunity and you don't want to be in a game like that. We eventually reconciled. In the next 3 months, I learned that he and Alice were friends since high school and he had liked her for two years then. They had also slept together a few years later on a drunken night. Nothing has happened since then. She is now married and trying to escape her abusive husband, as far as I know. Men do not have friend zones. If he belives that this woman his gorgeous and they've already had sex, trust and believe me, if the chemistry is there, then so is the desire. Like I said before, if he's willing to go through arguments to have this girl around, there's more to it going on. My jealousy with her has become an issue. I get jealous whenever he wants to hang out with her, which is every 2-3 weeks as he says. They text about once a week. I haven't snuck into his phone, his emails, or anything. All of this information comes from me asking him questions. He made a point saying that I don't know how it feels to have a long, close friendship and that makes it hard for me to see their friendship. (I was a military brat and never really developed childhood/high school friendships). Girl, that's some bull * * * * . I HAVE FRIENDS THAT I HAVE HAD FOR MANY, MANY YEARS, and you know what? We talk. But we talk about once every 1-3 MONTHS, just to catch up on each other's lives, and see how the other is doing. Not 2-3 weeks. Furthermore, your good friends RESPECT your relationship. Single friends will add distance to their "relationshipped" friends, out of respect for the relationship. That respect is highly questionable at this moment, if not gone almost entirely. The only ounce of hope is this meeting they're going to have, to see what's up. But that doesnt guarentee anything. Recently, we had an argument about it and he left to her house and talked to her about it. I didn't know he did this until afterwards and I was extremely upset to the point of wanting to leave. I'm am very embarrassed about my jealousy, and I really want to get over it. But is he worth it? It really hurt he went to her, if anything, it makes me more distrustful. All three of us are hanging out tomorrow for the first time (all of us knowing that the purpose is for me to witness their friendship). I am nervous. Please help, I have no one to goto with a more rational mindset when it comes to jealousy. What the hell? Does he not have other friends to talk to? It'd seem with your relationship being so rocky, that if it were worth it, he'd try harder to work on it, than going straight back to her place alone "to talk about it". Again, does he not have a brother, or a male friend to talk to? Well, yeah but I asked him to see some texts one night and he let me....(after the argument). A few minutes later, he took my phone while I was sleeping and looked into it. I think I'm guilty of the same thing. OP, here's my honest 2 cents: your relationship is on a countdown. For hope's sake, as someone said, I would go to the meeting with EYES WIDE OPEN. But here's my advice to you: listen to your gut. what is your gut saying to you? Is your gut saying that he's being trustworthy (honestly)? Or is it saying that there's cheating going on somewhere? OP, I just came out of a relationship similar to yours. And my ex did not put any boundaries on the relationship. I now know that regardless of my feelings for any guy, that if a man does not respect you enough to put boundaries on his opposite sex friendships, because boundaries ARE a form of love, then the relationship is not worth your time. Boundaries allow a relationship to grow better. If he's not willing to respect your feelings, then you know what to do. However, avoid getting ultimatums: those always make hell. But if you keep feeling more and more distrustful, end the relationship. Quickly. Link to comment
RitaTrue Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 I agree with power-c. I don't really see enough of a reason to dump him. OP, you said this all started when you tried to break up with your boyfriend. What was the reason for that? thank you. i was going to ask the same thing. Link to comment
Amorterra Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 Trust your gut, OP. The fact that you're jealous is your gut telling you that something is off. A guy being "friends" with a female he's slept with... big red flag. Link to comment
soybeans Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 I don't know how you will be able to hang out with the two of them knowing that they were intimate at some point. That would drive me crazy and I would feel so awkward. I agree with everything RitaTrue said, that "platonic friends" would distance themselves out of respect for the relationship. When my ex's "best friend"s dad died, she came running to him for support. Now, why would she be going to someone else's boyfriend for support as if she didn't have any family or other friends? It isn't right and it will eventually start to eat at you every time he brings her up. If you think you can look past it and believe you have reasons to trust him, then I would give it a chance. But obviously if you are posting here, you are having doubts. I'm just trying to give you some warning because I went through this and it sounds eerily similar to my situation. It's your choice in the end but I believe this has the potential to cause a whole hell of a lot more paranoia and jealousy down the line. Listen to your instincts. Link to comment
DN Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 I don't think it was at all appropriate for him to discuss with her the argument that you had about this. That makes their relationship suspect. Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 If my wife wanted to introduce me to people she's slept with and wants to spend more time with, I'd tell her she'll be hearing from my lawyer. Link to comment
RitaTrue Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 OP, how did the meeting go for you? Link to comment
power-c Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 I agree the "gorgeous" comment is suspect - not because a guy can't have a platonic friend he objectively thinks is attractive, but because it seems like he deliberately said it to hurt the OP. I totally disagree with the blanket statement that a guy (or girl) can't be close, platonic friends with someone of the opposite sex if they've been intimate with them in the past. I also completely disagree that a guy should only talk to his close, platonic female friends once every few months. At the end of the day, though, it's pretty obviously when something's shady or not, and I agree that the fact that the OP's posting about it here isn't a great sign. Something that makes me think this guy deserves a chance, though, is the fact that he's making an effort to introduce his gf to his friend. I don't think the OP should jump to conclusions and assume the worst just because these two have history. That doesn't have to mean that their friendship is a threat to his current relationship - whether it actually is a threat, though, is a different question, and one only he can answer. Link to comment
lykkeli Posted March 11, 2012 Author Share Posted March 11, 2012 The meeting was nice. She was polite and had an eccentric character. We took a moment to ourselves and she explained why she was texting "Chris" so much, explained that she has no romantic intentions for him. She seemed honest and I believed her. We hugged. My objective judgement is that she is unaware of her own boundaries and she may be a bit off. She's also been texting her ex-boyfriend of three years almost daily (who is "Chris'" best friend), whose girlfriend is having the same complaints that I had. She been texting everyone she knows constantly lately. Chris says she is depressed and lonely. She also called "Chris" one night, crying because she felt that he had chosen me over her one day to hang out. Those were her own words. The meeting opened my eyes. It was clear to me that she really had nothing for Chris and vice versa. However, there were many issues in this relationship and we're not together anymore. Hoped this meeting provides some insight as I know some of you were interested in what was going to happen. Link to comment
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