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Science says getting back together is not a good idea!


Nick Lansing

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Very interesting.

 

link removed

 

So, time to shut down the forum, right? I do think this is useful information, but I also think a lot of it depends on the reason for the split. If it's because of basic incompatibility or loss of attraction, or infidelity or other things related to conduct, then it seems to me there better have been major changes for it to be a good idea.

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Common sense is not getting back together in my opinion. If it was so bad where it didn't work out the first time around then it most likely not going to work a second time around. Even if changes are made for a reconciliation I still think the people will be jaded. I know I would. There are rare, very rare, occasions where it works out a 2nd time around.

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I would agree it would depend on the break up, and if the two people learned from their mistakes. I know a guy who divorced his first wife whom he was dating since high school, both of them remarried other people, divorced said people, and have been together for 8 years after remarrying (having been apart 5 years or so) and are happier than ever. Now that may be very confusing, but the point is that some couples are capable of getting back together, though I would think those in on again off again relationships aren't as likely to stay together. Plus, those relationships don't seem as healthy.

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Why on earth would you want to be with someone who threw you away? I have much, much, better things to do with my life. Like find a good person who I value and who values me.

 

Well for me it's because she still loved me (still feel like there could be something, but that's a whole story in itself), but it was the person I was half the time that just wore her down and drove her to depression. You know, the bad side that I should have fixed, but couldn't bring myself to do it. Narcissism was pretty much what it was.

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Mine broke up with me because she never saw my work situation changing or my stress levels getting any better or our times together becoming happier. I don't blame her really, it was a grind. Not because we didn't love each other or get along. We never fought. But because all I did was work. I was in a terrible situation. I had to make some major changes in my life, my business was killing me and her. It wasn't fair to her at all. Everyone says that a good woman would have hung in there until those changes were made, but how much more than almost 4 years can you ask of a person? So under these circumstances, I would at least like to try once I am done rearranging my life. I am almost there. It's been about 5 months since our BU and I haven't spoken to or seen her since. I've even moved 1200 miles south for the next six months to help keep my head on straight and rearrange my life to get me back. If we didn't love one another, or get along, have things in common, have fun together ever, than yeah I wouldn't get back either. What would be the point?

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I believe this study. Somethings broken that's why couples breakup.

 

Like in my case, I know why my ex broke up with me. Although I felt initially it was my fault, it was mostly her fault (since she's the dumper). I felt she didn't love me the way I loved her. And she said I'm making her feel that she's not doing enough. We both had issues. I guess we're just incompatible.

 

And in spite of this, I'm still trying to get her back. That why I believe this study. LOL.

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I am the worst example for that, I have got back together with most exes. I dunno why..I really believe in second chances, helps with resolving doubts. When the time apart wasn't long we'd split up again. The breakup can work both ways; to make you very appreciative of each other or to subtly anticipate another breakup at some point.

With my last ex we had almost 18 months apart and the relationship was 10 times better the second time around (we both did a lot of personal growth work). But we split up again though so maybe there's truth to the article..

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I think it's very possible the researcher has made the wrong conclusions.

 

We must remember that this is Statistics, not Science; and in Statistics, it's frightfully easy to get conclusions that are quite simply dead wrong. The numbers must be rationalized with WHY the relationships between the numbers are as they appear.

 

Yes, there's a high ocurrance of sunburns at the same time as peak ice cream sales, but that does not mean the answer to not getting a sunburn is to not buy ice cream...

 

I think the real lesson is, if you are going to reconcil with your partner, you must BOTH be serious about resolving your issues - which is a step that is rarely ever truly embraced. Usually it consists of "I screwed up, you screwed up...meh, kiss me, let's have sex." The reason why that couple who married, divorced, married others, divorced, and have now reconciled works is because in the course of those relaitonships, they have changed - or they have realized something they didn't know before. Unfortunately, this is a very painful and costly way to address one's issues!!

 

In splitting up, we're just bound to repeat the same mistakes with another person - and still say there's nothing wrong with us, we're just with the wrong people. That person MAY indeed be bad for us - but there may also be another conclusion. I think the truth is somewhere in the middle: those who have a history of cyclic relationships must make strides to improve themsleves so they are not the weak cyclic link in the next relationship. It's not a matter of his fault, her fault, it's a matter of two immature people where immaturity is that behavior that revels in encouraging impulsive cyclic behavior.

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I have ever reason not to get back with my ex girlfriend for what she done to me. However in the same time, I helped put things into motion and wasn't exactly the greatest boyfriend ever. I can't help but wonder if it could work a second time if she willing to allow it to happen. She does seem to have me on some sort of pedestal. Her rebound was jealous of me and I even secretly had an affair with her. We didn't have sex but she most certainly wanted to. That r/s ended close to two months later. She claims that there's no chance of reconciliation. Yet she got mad when I suggest that I needed space after learning she has a new boyfriend. She even goes as far as say she not going to stress over me anymore. Fast forward 3 weeks after that, she came running right back wondering if I'm still mad at her. I made sure to stick with NC which she accepted. I get the feeling she still has strong feelings for me.

 

I know that I deserve someone better who wouldn't betray me. At the same time, I can't stop thinking maybe if we can give it a second chance it could work. I ultimately believe getting back with a former lover could work only if significant time have pass and the two people involve make the necessary changes. The greatest sign of insanity is doing the same thing over again while expecting a different result. I think that why reunions tend to fail.

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This was a really well thought out and written post. My thoughts exactly, but I didn't have the energy to put it out.

 

Especially the last paragraph --- if it is a cyclical relationship, then it is a matter of behavior that is not beneficial to either party.

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Usually it consists of "I screwed up, you screwed up...meh, kiss me, let's have sex." The reason why that couple who married, divorced, married others, divorced, and have now reconciled works is because in the course of those relaitonships, they have changed - or they have realized something they didn't know before. Unfortunately, this is a very painful and costly way to address one's issues!!

 

Well said!

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I think it definitely depends on the circumstances. My ex and I loved each other and were extremely compatible- we had mutual friends and enjoyed the same activities. We just loved being together, but relationships are all about timing. I'm 30 and he's in his mid-20s. I've kind of figured out who I am in life and am ready to settle down to something a little more permanent and he still has several years to find himself. I can't fault him for that- when I was his age, I had a lot of issues with myself that I needed to settle. We're just in two different places in life. While I'm not going to wait for him, who knows where I'll be/ he'll be 5 years down the road. If our paths crossed again way down in the future, I would probably give it another go.

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