CookieMonster8 Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 My boyfriend and I have been together a little over a year now. When he lived in the city I saw him at least 3-4 days a week and since he moved home in October I usually only see him on the weekends now. We try to spend entire weekends together but we also want to make time for our friends as well so right now we see each other at least 2 days a week for sure. Him and I took a week 5 day trip to Puerto Rico at the end of January and I brought up to him that something was weighing on my heart. I told him I feel like we aren't as close emotionally as I'd like to be by this point in our relationship. Our relationship has developed a lot slower than my previous serious relationships which I feel like makes me insecure sometimes. We have not ever talked about getting married or our future either and so my therapist thinks part of the reason I feel like a vacuum with my feelings is because we aren't really progressing. We have been at a standstill for awhile now. I just want to grow closer to him emotionally. I'm such an emotional person and driven by feelings where he is not as emotional or expressive of his feelings. I don't care if we don't talk about marriage for a bit but I feel like in the next few months I really have to figure out if this relationship is going somewhere or not. I'm almost 27 years old and am starting to feel like at this point in my life if a relationship isn't going anywhere or growing then I need to figure out if the relationship is best for me. I'm feeling really discouraged and confused lately. Has anyone else ever been in this situation before? Any advice or tips? Thanks in advance! Link to comment
CookieMonster8 Posted February 21, 2012 Author Share Posted February 21, 2012 **His home that he moved back to is an hour from me by the way which is why we usually see each other on the weekends only now.** Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 I told him I feel like we aren't as close emotionally as I'd like to be by this point in our relationship. Our relationship has developed a lot slower than my previous serious relationships which I feel like makes me insecure sometimes. We have not ever talked about getting married or our future either and so my therapist thinks part of the reason I feel like a vacuum with my feelings is because we aren't really progressing. We have been at a standstill for awhile now. I just want to grow closer to him emotionally. I'm such an emotional person and driven by feelings where he is not as emotional or expressive of his feelings. I don't care if we don't talk about marriage for a bit but I feel like in the next few months I really have to figure out if this relationship is going somewhere or not. ---- What was his reaction when you told him all this? Link to comment
Generation Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 Don't compare this relationship with your other ones. Your other relationships ended up failing, so are you sure this isn't a better path? You should just bring up where you think the relationship is headed. Talk about dreams and goals, the future and where you see yourselves. Why did he move back home? Thoughts of moving in together or is that possible? In any case, you shouldn't bring up doubt in the relationship either. Link to comment
CookieMonster8 Posted February 21, 2012 Author Share Posted February 21, 2012 His reaction at first was "Well, I think we just need to talk to each other more about everything." And he asked why specifically I feel this way and I told him I thought it may be due to the fact we don't see each other much, or maybe it was because one of us is holding back, etc etc. Because I was so general about it he got a little frustrated and thought I was saying he was doing something wrong in the relationship. He wished I had been more specific but I really can't pinpoint why we aren't growing emotionally. I ended up getting upset and crying and he tried to comfort me but I told him this conversation will probably come up again since I felt unresolved by the end of the conversation. Link to comment
CookieMonster8 Posted February 21, 2012 Author Share Posted February 21, 2012 Don't compare this relationship with your other ones. Your other relationships ended up failing, so are you sure this isn't a better path? You should just bring up where you think the relationship is headed. Talk about dreams and goals, the future and where you see yourselves. Why did he move back home? Thoughts of moving in together or is that possible? In any case, you shouldn't bring up doubt in the relationship either. You're right. I rather it move slow than fast. He moved home because his roommates started getting into heavy drugs and he didn't want to live in an environment like that. He doesn't believe in living together before marriage but he has asked my opinion on whether I think he should buy a home or move back to the city and rent again. So I'm glad he is keeping me in the loop on his future decisions. Link to comment
gluestick Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 His reaction at first was "Well, I think we just need to talk to each other more about everything." And he asked why specifically I feel this way and I told him I thought it may be due to the fact we don't see each other much, or maybe it was because one of us is holding back, etc etc. Because I was so general about it he got a little frustrated and thought I was saying he was doing something wrong in the relationship. He wished I had been more specific but I really can't pinpoint why we aren't growing emotionally. I ended up getting upset and crying and he tried to comfort me but I told him this conversation will probably come up again since I felt unresolved by the end of the conversation. In this case, I would've just been honest with him, that you'd like to hear his opinion on where he thinks your relationship stands, where it's heading, his future goals/plans (i.e. marriage, kids), etc. Personally that's something I'd want to discuss before becoming seriously involved with someone. I'd want to make sure I have similar values/future goals with a potential partner and not waste time years after dating, only to find out he wants different things. Trust me, I've been through this and it never ends favorably... Since you've already told him this conversation will probably come up again, I would avoid going the "give a general reason why you're not happy, then get upset and cry" route. Just be honest with him, let your feelings be known, then hear his opinions. If he gives any indication that your future goals aren't compatible, then I'd move on and find someone who does want the same things you want. HTH! Link to comment
CookieMonster8 Posted February 21, 2012 Author Share Posted February 21, 2012 Since you've already told him this conversation will probably come up again, I would avoid going the "give a general reason why you're not happy, then get upset and cry" route. Just be honest with him, let your feelings be known, then hear his opinions. If he gives any indication that your future goals aren't compatible, then I'd move on and find someone who does want the same things you want. HTH! Thank you Gluestick. Looks like I just gotta be upfront and honest but it's better to know which way this is going sooner rather than later. By the way what does "HTH" mean? hahah! Link to comment
gluestick Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 Thank you Gluestick. Looks like I just gotta be upfront and honest but it's better to know which way this is going sooner rather than later. By the way what does "HTH" mean? hahah! "Hope that helps" Link to comment
CookieMonster8 Posted February 23, 2012 Author Share Posted February 23, 2012 "Hope that helps" Nice and yes it does! Thanks everyone! You're the best! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 I think there is a difference between being an emotional person and being an emotionally mature person. I think you do need to be far more specific with him about what is triggering your sense that you're not close enough by this point. For example it sounds to me that if he started talking about marriage and your future you wouldn't care as much or at all about whether you two were "close" (whatever that means to you -I'm not sure from what you wrote). My other sense is that what attracted you in the first place, in part, was that he is emotionally reserved -and now you're seeing the downside of that. Link to comment
CookieMonster8 Posted February 23, 2012 Author Share Posted February 23, 2012 I think there is a difference between being an emotional person and being an emotionally mature person. I think you do need to be far more specific with him about what is triggering your sense that you're not close enough by this point. For example it sounds to me that if he started talking about marriage and your future you wouldn't care as much or at all about whether you two were "close" (whatever that means to you -I'm not sure from what you wrote). My other sense is that what attracted you in the first place, in part, was that he is emotionally reserved -and now you're seeing the downside of that. I'm still trying to figure out why I don't feel "emotionally closer" to him. I feel close to him for sure but I don't feel like we're on the level I want to be on if that makes sense. I don't think my boyfriend is as emotionally mature as I am. A lot of our conversations are about the here and now, the present, the day to day stuff. We have deeper talks from time to time about our religious beliefs, our families, our jobs but I feel like something deeper is missing between us and I don't know if it's cause we haven't talked about the future, what we want for ourselves or what. I just want MORE. it's been very hard to pin point exactly why I feel this way which I understand is what could have made him frustrated when I talked to him about it. Guys like to know the exact problem so they can fix it and this is unclear. My therapist thinks I feel this way because we are stuck in a rut and not progressing. I really want us to progress and grow. I just don't know how to make it happen or if it will. Link to comment
Circe Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 Progressing towards marriage and progressing emotionally are different things. I'm not sure why the former would really help if the problem is the latter. To get emotionally closer you need to build the intimacy. To build intimacy you have to be able to trust the other person to accept you completely - even all your bad qualities (though you may be working on changing them). Do you remember the show Sex and the City? One of the reasons it was so popular was that women loved the relationship that the four main characters had with each other because there was such a high level of intimacy - they could talk to each other about some really bizare things. They could talk about anything and always know that the others would be accepting and wouldn't love them less or think less of them. They might disagree - but they wouldn't think less of the person. For me - that's what builds emotional closeness. Feeling like you don't have to hold back on your feelings or aspects of your past. Feeling like they will accept you for who you are and you will accept them. I don't think talking about marriage will help with this. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 It's funny how you want depth but rely on the shallow stereotype of what "guys" want. I personally would want my partner to have done the work to get to the specific reason or reasons why he was having certain feelings so that we could have a real discussion about it. It's fine if he tells me he's sad/mad/disappointed as long as he wants to do the work (with my help is fine) to get to the root of it - otherwise what am I supposed to do other than say "I'm really sorry you feel that way". I don't think you;ll progress if you have the mindset that his reaction is a "guy thing". How would you like if he dismissed your "I feel really sad today, I'm not sure why" with "oh you must be on your period -that's how all women get". Not to "deep" or "emotional" I've had emotionally bonding conversations about toaster pastries and bad tv, as well as about the so-called "bigger stuff" (so-called because at least to me if you can talk about toaster pastries and your favorite flavors and then ramble on with childhood memories of toaster pastries and feel comfortable having that conversation that seems like far more depth than meeting someone at a party and in 5 minutes hearing about his meditation practices, his time in the Peace Corps saving the world and how his spiritual leanings). That is deep too and not meaning at all to knock meditation/peace corps/religion - just saying that it's important to be close enough to be able to share about anything not just the typically deep stuff). Link to comment
CookieMonster8 Posted February 23, 2012 Author Share Posted February 23, 2012 I agree with this. Good advice. Thank you. Link to comment
CookieMonster8 Posted February 23, 2012 Author Share Posted February 23, 2012 You're right about this as well. Hopefully him and I can work on our emotional intimacy by bonding over anything and everything. Thank you. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 You're right about this as well. Hopefully him and I can work on our emotional intimacy by bonding over anything and everything. Thank you. Remember that he might not see the need to do any work -he might be happy with the level of closeness you have right now. Link to comment
CookieMonster8 Posted February 23, 2012 Author Share Posted February 23, 2012 He thought we were doing just fine until I brought this up and he is completely content with where we're at. While I'm content like I said, I want more emotional intimacy and I don't know if that comes in time or if where we are at now is where we'll always be. He suggested we just talk more about all kinds of stuff. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 He thought we were doing just fine until I brought this up and he is completely content with where we're at. While I'm content like I said, I want more emotional intimacy and I don't know if that comes in time or if where we are at now is where we'll always be. He suggested we just talk more about all kinds of stuff. Exactly -so it's not something for you as a couple to work on -it's for you to work on as far as deciding whether you two are on the same wavelength as far as what you're looking for and my guess is he's confused because you were so vague. If he said that he wanted to be with you forever and have your babies would you care about this "emotional intimacy issue"? Talking more might help but it depends on how connected you feel when you talk - and how comfortable. I felt very at home with my husband when we were dating and I didn't feel the need to monitor whether we were talking about enough important stuff or not - it just felt comfortable and open. Does it still? Yes but we don't have the luxury of enough husband-wife time so finding that time to talk about anything/everything is a challenge. Could it be that you're trying to force intimacy by raising so-called "deep" topics and feeling frustrated when he doesn't respond consistent with the script in your head as to how he should respond? Sometimes being emotionally intimate means getting outside yourself and talking about the things he wants to -or better yet often emotional intimacy means not talking at all and being together in silence perhaps listening to music, watching TV or reading separate books - and knowing that you're comfortable in silence and don't always need to be talking. Don't make the mistake of thinking that filling the air with "deep talk" triggers emotional intimacy. Link to comment
CookieMonster8 Posted February 24, 2012 Author Share Posted February 24, 2012 Could it be that you're trying to force intimacy by raising so-called "deep" topics and feeling frustrated when he doesn't respond consistent with the script in your head as to how he should respond? Sometimes being emotionally intimate means getting outside yourself and talking about the things he wants to -or better yet often emotional intimacy means not talking at all and being together in silence perhaps listening to music, watching TV or reading separate books - and knowing that you're comfortable in silence and don't always need to be talking. Don't make the mistake of thinking that filling the air with "deep talk" triggers emotional intimacy. Yes, this could be it. I might be trying to force an intimacy that just isn't there yet. Maybe I'm just over thinking and need to go with the flow more. For some reason I'm always trying to "perfect" this relationship and I don't know why. There is no such thing as the perfect relationship. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 Yes, this could be it. I might be trying to force an intimacy that just isn't there yet. Maybe I'm just over thinking and need to go with the flow more. For some reason I'm always trying to "perfect" this relationship and I don't know why. There is no such thing as the perfect relationship. It's about going with the flow but also realizing that talking doesn't always increase intimacy and can detract from it especially if you're forcing a "deep" conversation. I think you know there is no perfect relationship and I think you're seeing that you two have different ideas about how close you need to be and you're trying to change his viewpoint. I dated a really reserved guy for about a year when I was around 20 -he was 24 -and he told me when we were discussing this issue that I just needed to accept that that is how he is and who he is if I wanted to be involved with him. I really appreciated that he said that and I respected it too. It also meant we were not right for each other (and yes he's been happily married for many years). Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 Have you chatted with him yet? Link to comment
CookieMonster8 Posted February 25, 2012 Author Share Posted February 25, 2012 It's about going with the flow but also realizing that talking doesn't always increase intimacy and can detract from it especially if you're forcing a "deep" conversation. I think you know there is no perfect relationship and I think you're seeing that you two have different ideas about how close you need to be and you're trying to change his viewpoint. I dated a really reserved guy for about a year when I was around 20 -he was 24 -and he told me when we were discussing this issue that I just needed to accept that that is how he is and who he is if I wanted to be involved with him. I really appreciated that he said that and I respected it too. It also meant we were not right for each other (and yes he's been happily married for many years). Yeah, I'm just really confused and trying to figure it out. I'm putting all this pressure on myself to figure out our relationship and what we need work on and if he is the right guy for me instead of just letting it go and seeing what happens. I need to just chill out and I know it but I can't help but want to have it all figured out now. And No, Ms. Darcy I haven't talked to him about it anymore yet. Things have been going pretty good recently and I'm still trying to pinpoint why I feel this way. So I don't want to bring it up again unless I know what's causing it. Link to comment
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