Whatt a mess, my, heads all over the place. Could really use some logic

[Tanzi]

I can't quite believe I'm typing this. It follows on from this thread:

 

 

 

In summary my 16 year old daughter's bf (also 16) took my debit card from my purse and withdrew some money from it. It was only £30. There was, however, a possibility that he had done it before and that he had also taken some money from the house prior to this. I couldn't be sure of the latter two incidents so I had to discount those. I can go on auto-pilot sometimes and at the time the money went missing from the house I told myself I must have dipped into it and forgotten ... but £60 is a lot to borrow without remembering. It was only after my daughter's bf withdrew the money from my account and eventually came clean about it (the evidence was stacked heavily against him) that I realised there was a huge possibility that he took the other money too. I told him I suspected him of this but he denied it. I said that suspecting him was a consequence of what he had done.

 

Anyhow as things stood I gave him the opportunity to tell his parents what he had done. Both my daughter and I were worried that he had been developing a "taste" for gambling and that he needed help more than anything else.

 

But I've been so silly. I let things slide. I've been weak and now I'm paying the price ... literally. The time came and went that he was meant to tell his parents. My daughter had gone over to her bf's and they were going to tell her parents together. She was keeping me updated by text. He spoke to them about his gambling (they were already aware to a degree that he was gambling) and they said they were going to keep a watchful eye over him. However when it came to telling them about taking money from me, he just couldn't do it.

 

I gave them both another opportunity but that came and went. Days and then weeks were going by and I was pushing the situation further and further into the background of my mind. I reasoned with myself that I had so much else going on in my own life that I needed to focus on that facing his parents was just something else that I really didn't need to put MYSELF through as I had since found out that his father was a very strong yet rather unreasonable character. I knew that it would be hard for them to take in and that I would bear the brunt of their emotions. Eventually I lost the strength to put myself through it. He has been very remourseful since and has paid me the money back. He also hasn't set foot inside a bookies since .... apparently.

 

So this brings me to now. He doesn't spend much time here anymore. He certainly doesn't come over when my bf is here as my bf is still refusing to have anything to do with him. He is standing firm on our behalf, he says. "I'm not a pushover" he also said. He believes that he isn't genuinely sorry ... and he is probably right. Nevertheless, my daughter continued to see him. I didn't see how it would help to force her NOT too. We both believed he had a problem and that he was now dealing with it.

 

He popped in here yesterday. He was meeting his friend (the one he used to go to the bookies with). He had been avoiding him lately. His friend thought he was a "p*ssy" for not going to the bookies anymore just because he had been caught stealing from me! This boy steals from his own mum. Not a great friend to have. Anyhow he had starting spend more time with him again and after meeting up with him yesterday they both came to my house to see my daughter. I was on my way out, picking my youngest daughter up from school, and they had gone by the time I had got back.

 

This morning £80 has gone missing from my house! This is where I am at. After spending the morning at the vets because my cat has been seriously injured I came home to this. He was here at that point. Passing by again. I approached both him and my daughter straight away. A huge row developed. My daughter won't have it that I have any right to accuse him. She swore at me and they have both left the house. The only thing he said was "I am fed up with your accusations"!!

 

I am now trying to work out where that money could have gone but I know I haven't done anything with it. It should be where I left it. I shouldn't have left it there. It was in the same place where the money was the last time it went missing. I wasn't going to leave it there for long and I figured that he would be stupid to take it again .. if he took it the last time that is.

 

I wasn't expecting it to go missing, I really wasn't. I don't know what to think. He is denying it. My daughter is distraught at my accusations. They've both gone.

 

Is it likely that he has taken it? How can I prove anything? What do I do now?

 

I feel so stupid. So weak. So lost right now. I can't tell my boyfriend, he will blow a gasket ... and see me for the weak person that I have been.

[Seraphim]

I would call the police and let them handle it. Wow I am so sorry this has happened. Can the police legally return your daughter to you? Is she under the legal age of maturity? At this point I would be telling her if she wants to be this blind and let people rob you she can find a new place to live. She will probably be home soon enough when she finds out she can not make it alone.

[Seraphim]

Cancel her cellphone if you pay for it or if you have the contract and take her key. She has to be made to understand people like her bf won't be tolerated in your life.

[annie24]

I was going to say the same thing - go to the police. And tell his parents about this too again. oh my goodness. But really, I think it's time for police intervention. He's obviously not learning his lesson.

 

How did he get the PIN to your debit card last time?

[Tanzi]

Thank you Victoria and annie. The thing is I have no proof that he took it. I feel almost guilty at blaming him and I am going over and over in mind what I could have done with the money. Its not a major amount but that isn't the point. The money was there yesterday afternoon but it isn't there now. If he DIDN'T take it then where could it be? My daughter wouldn't take it. Why would she, she has no reason to? Plus she hasn't been anywhere and her purse is empty. She showed me in a fit of rage .... but I was never accusing her. I never out and out accused either of them at first but then when it quickly developed into a row (mostly my daughter shocked at the thought of me accusing either of them) I brought up what happened recently and what I thought the likelyhood would be.

 

I had given him my PIN number when he offered to go to the shops for me when I was cooking tea and had run out of something. He had been with my daughter for 7/8 months by then and I trusted him completely. He had become very close to all the family, even my parents who he would visit for weekends with us.

[annie24]

I would tell your bf. I mean, money doesn't just get up and walk away. Is there a possibility he took it or your younger daughter?

 

I'm sorry, but if a kid is 16 and has a gambling problem, i can certainly see him continuing to steal money from you. Are you 100% sure that you had that money there in the morning?

[Seraphim]

A Little, she is in denial. She WILL come around. Believe me. She really has no place to go but to come home. If she hangs with him for a while she will come home VERY disillusioned but she will come home. In the mean time call the police. Let them deal with it. If she gets mad so be it. You can not allow her having a temper tantrum to control you or you not doing what is right because she will have a hissy. That is too bad. Let her have a hissy. Let her find out the hard way, that is how some people have to learn. I ran away twice at 18 and I was back both times. I thought I was hot stuff and I knew everything and my parents were as dumb as dirt. I was back.

[Tanzi]

Cancel her cellphone if you pay for it or if you have the contract and take her key. She has to be made to understand people like her bf won't be tolerated in your life.

 

I feel so terrible now, though. I feel like I am accusing him unnecessarily and without proof. Its like I can't see things clearly. Maybe I HAVE misplaced the money. I can't believe he would take it. Now now. Not again but, then, where is it? I think I need a slap round the face so that I can see some sense.

 

Her father pays for her cellphone. I guess I need to tell him what has happened but that is like creating a whole new drama.

 

My daughter doesn't seem to want to believe it.

[Seraphim]

Maybe his friend stole it. You said both were at your house, right? Either way the police will sort it out. Honey, do not let your daughter having her teenage hissy dictate what you know is right. This has to be handled head on.

[Tanzi]

I would tell your bf. I mean, money doesn't just get up and walk away. Is there a possibility he took it or your younger daughter?

 

I'm sorry, but if a kid is 16 and has a gambling problem, i can certainly see him continuing to steal money from you. Are you 100% sure that you had that money there in the morning?

 

Not this morning, well it was pretty early on when I went to check and it had gone. Thought I might need it for the vets as we have to go back again and we are looking at a hefty vet bill. It was there yesterday afternoon. My younger daughter wouldn't take it. She's a young 13 and doesn't do much to need a great deal of money. They usually always get whatever they need when they ask.

 

I think he has worked hard at not gambling but his friend seems to have popped up rather a lot again. After he left us yesterday (the first time) he met up with his friend and they went to the local shops where the bookies are.

 

Could I go into the bookies I wonder and ask if he had been in there and how much he had spent? I mean he is underage, he shouldn't be allowed to place a bet anyway!

[Tanzi]

Maybe his friend stole it. You said both were at your house, right? Either way the police will sort it out. Honey, do not let your daughter having her teenage hissy dictate what you know is right. This has to be handled head on.

 

I wondered that. In fact I said that.

 

I know I need to handle this properly now. I just wish I knew where they had gone. She was crying so much when she left. He could be filling her head with all sorts of stuff.

[Seraphim]

Of course he is filling her head. She is a teen and of course she will believe him over you. However that should not deter you. You are the person who has to be the bad guy. Unfortunately sometimes it is a parent's lot in life. But she needs to know unsavory people won't be tolerated. Tell her you love her and she is more than welcomed at home but thieves are not and that is what he is and what his friend is. If she can not see that then oh well but you have to deal with it. Can the police return her home?

[Tanzi]

You are the person who has to be the bad guy. Unfortunately sometimes it is a parent's lot in life.

 

Can the police return her home?

 

So true. I should have stuck to being the bad guy I told his parents when I had the chance.

 

Regarding the police returning her home ... I'm not sure as she is 16. I think she has most likely gone back to his house as that was their plans anyway.

[Seraphim]

I would call the police at this point and THEY can inform his parents. Tell his parents to send your daughter home and tell them exactly why.

[buddha55]

Tell your bf. You are not weak, you are trusting and forgiving and sometimes jerks abuse that.

 

Even if he didn't take it and his friend did, he is responsible for his guest at your house. You didn't just misplace 80 pounds.

 

Don't forbid your daughter to see him, but tell him he is no longer welcome. She will come around.

[Tanzi]

I've just had this:

 

"T****, £80 is a lot of money. There's no way I could take that from anyone, let alone you! There's no way I could steal money from you after everything's that happened. I understand you're going to accuse me, there's no proof that I DIDN'T do it considering everything that has happened. Why would I jeapardise mine and ***'s relationship and go through all that again. I sear to God I didn't know money was in there. I only saw you get an envelope out. I was out yesterday and the only time I was round was just before you picked C****** up from school. I don't need your money. I have my own (I'm not aware that he does) and its also unfair that you think I still gamble when I've done very well to stop going considering I'm getting asked to go every day. I've realised that gambling is a waste of time and money. "

 

Why do I feel so confused?

 

Mind you he sent me a text last time saying that he would never steal from me, that he thought it was disgusting and how he wasn't a thief and that he didn't like being accused, before finally confessing.

[Seraphim]

If he did not do it then his friend did. That makes HIM responsible for bring a boy to your home who he knew would not be welcomed. Your daughter also knew these people would not be welcomed. You are being snowed.

[annie24]

I would call and tell your bf. Is it possible that he took the money today, and forgot to tell you?

[Tanzi]

Tell your bf. You are not weak, you are trusting and forgiving and sometimes jerks abuse that.

 

Even if he didn't take it and his friend did, he is responsible for his guest at your house. You didn't just misplace 80 pounds.

 

Don't forbid your daughter to see him, but tell him he is no longer welcome. She will come around.

 

I am contemplating telling my bf now. Its hard for me to think clearly and to take this on alone.

 

Its not as if this is the first time I have been in this position. A few months back some money went missing. I was racking my brains then, as I am now, to try to fathom out where it could have gone. I can't keep misplacing money can I?

[Tanzi]

I would call and tell your bf. Is it possible that he took the money today, and forgot to tell you?

 

It can't be my bf because he hasn't been here since the weekend. I keep on searching for possibilities.

[Seraphim]

Really, I think you are being snowed by 3 kids who do not want any consequences.

[buddha55]

His text is kind of weird too.... going into a lot of detail about the envelope etc... liars tend to do that.

[annie24]

I was going to say that too- that's an interesting detail to mention, the envelope.....

[Tanzi]

If he did not do it then his friend did. That makes HIM responsible for bring a boy to your home who he knew would not be welcomed. Your daughter also knew these people would not be welcomed. You are being snowed.

 

My daughter and I came to the conclusion that this friend was a bad influence on her bf. Since leaving school he has done nothing with his life. His mum thinks he goes to college every day ... so I have been told ... and she gives him money every day. However he isn't going to college and he gambles the money away. He has been banned from their local bookies because they know he is underage (his mum discovered his gambling habit some time back and took pictures of him to the local betting shops). However he doesn't seem to have been banned from the one close to me. He used to meet up with my daughter's bf ® and together they would go in there.

 

After the initial incident R decided that he wasn't going to gamble anymore and he even fell out with his friend over it. His friend knew the story about R taking money from me. I told my daughter that his friend was NEVER welcome in my house because whereas R seemed to be sorry for what he did and recognised that the gambling was becoming a problem his friend, on the other hand, just thought he was "under the thumb" and a "" for listening to us.

 

However they turned up just as I was leaving. I mentioned something to my daughter as I was going out the door and she said they would be gone shortly. She doesn't like his friend either.

 

This morning I said to both my daughter and her bf that I was aware that R's friend was here and that he could have taken it too (after all I know his background) and, right now, I didn't care who took the money I just wanted back.

[avman]

I agree with the others - how come he is so focused on the envelope containing the money if he swears he had nothing to do with it?

 

You aren't an investigator so let the police worry about investigating and doing the proving. You've got money missing, it's a theft in your belief, so call the police and let them sort it. They'll tell you if they don't have enough to actually charge the boyfriend with a crime.