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2 and a half years since breakup.... still beating myself up over it!

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Had a 1 year relationship (only relationship... only love) that ended because of how i used to be a mad drug addict, and didnt treat her right, etc.


Had other priorities at the time that i needed to sort out in my life, yet she's never left my mind, i still think about her loads every day and how if i'd just chosen her over the drugs we'd probably still be together! She was the perfect person for me.


I haven't even kissed or slept with anyone since her, because i just both lack the confidence, and also want to try and get a relationship with someone like that again! I don't want a one night stand with one of the many (excuse the term) * * * * ty girls that you meet on nights out in Portsmouth!


I'm 20 now, and am still pining over a relationship that ended when i was 17! I know there's no chance of getting her back, but i just can't see the way forward. Recently loneliness has been getting to me madly, and i REALLY want to get into another relationship, yet all that seems possible around here (were it not for my lack of confidence in talking to girls) appears to be people just interested in no strings attached stuff!


I don't know what to do, whether finding someone else will help me finally put this ex to rest..... or whether first i need to put this * * * * to rest and start a fresh, maybe try one night stands and in the moment stuff just for the sake of it (fuelled by pure alcohol confidence it would need to be for me) and try to enjoy these years of my life! As I'm beginning to think that i'm no longer a teenager.... I'm in the "peak" years of my life for girls, and all that stuff, and know ill look back when im 50 and wish i hadnt just moped around all day thinking of what i used to have years ago! I do work out loads at the gym, do have a good body, etc. so it's not like im a silly nerdy geek just looking for an excuse! I'm just so caught up in thinking about my past! Never even spoke to a counsellor coming out of my drug phase, had to rehabillitate myself and i feel having never spoken about all that * * * * , including her, from my past is just bagging me down and fuelling my depression! But i wouldnt know how to go about even finding someone to talk to, i can't really afford to pay for a private one, and not even sure whether its offered on the NHS! Even if it was, id be too ashamed for anyone to find out i was going, so would have to be pretty sneaky about it!


Any advice?

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Firstly, congratulations on turning your life around. Many get caught up in the drugs/alcohol > depression> addiction> depression cycle and you've broken that that. For some reason your past behaviours, losing your girl etc, has left you with immense guilt. Some may be justified, but you can't blame yourself for everything that went on, and then continue to crucify yourself. You were young and made mistakes. Welcome to the human race.


It would be a good idea to talk to someone professionally. Apparently your GP can offer you some free counselling sessions. Also, there are other avenues you can explore. Even though you are no longer using, look into NA, and the 12 step programme. These are only ideas, but worth a look.

Wish you well.

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