peony83 Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 Hello all! So I need some guidance deciphering some male behavior I've been encountering. First off, I've been single for about a year and have been actively dating, meeting men both out and online. I'd like to share some examples and ask for some feedback! A) Started talking to this guy online about 2.5 months ago. He emailed me first, got my phone number and started texting me. He texted me about every other day. He tried to set up plans once, but it was the holidays and timing was bad. He continued texting me, and would say things like 'when am I taking you out', 'when are we meeting up', 'when are you gonna let me meet you'...etc. At first I would reply positively like 'I'm pretty free next week..' or 'maybe Wednesday or Thursday' etc., but nothing would actually happen. Finally I started ignoring his texts because this went on for soooo long. Then one day, after another one of his 'hi how are you, when can I see you' texts, I responded "sorry I haven't been responding, to be honest it didn't seem like there was willingness to make effort (phone calls, making specific plans, etc.) so I kinda lost interest " Well then of course that night he calls me and then calls me the following night too. I don't get it! Please someone explain this to me..why would he continue to text me constantly about getting together, but not actually pick up the phone and call me or specifically plan a date (i.e. wanna go to XYZ bar on thursday?) Isn't this just common sense?? I have to believe he was interested or else he wouldnt have been texting me so freaking much. Am I doing or interpreting something wrong??? B) Another online guy. He emailed me about 3-4 weeks ago, got my number and started texting me. He started texting me every day at least once a day with pictures of himself (not naughty pics, just smiley/goofy pics.) He called me one Tues. night and left a message about making plans. I called him the next day and left a message saying I couldn't make plans that wknd because I was going camping. Monday morning after that wknd, he sends me a long text saying that it doesn't seem like I'm interested, and if I'm not then I just need to keep it real with him. I was like * * * ? So I texted him back saying that I don't know why I gave him the impression that I wasn't interested, that I had been busy that wknd, that I wanted to reschedule, and that the ball was in his court to call me back Well, he just said cool and continued texting me random pictures of himself. So the next Thursday, he asked what day I was free and I said Sunday day or evening would be great, he said it would work for him too. He told me he'd call me and we could make plans. On Friday, he texted me a picture of himself in a hat and said 'good morning! looks like I've been delivering newspapers huh?? lol hahaha!" Well I didn't respond to it because the whole sending- pics- of- himself- everyday- and- not- actually- making- plans- thing was getting old, and I thought he was gonna call me. Well he didn't, and I haven't heard from him since. Again, did I do something wrong?? I feel like maybe I was a little too sassy, but come on!! What guy sends constant pics of himself and won't set up a freaking date?! Did he feel that rejected that I didn't respond to his Newsies text?? C) Ok, last one for now, though I have about a billion more examples. Last weekend, was at a work party/fundraiser, and a co-workers bf's friend was volunteer bar-tending. Two people over the course of the night told me that he had been staring at me. Well I went up to the bar and he struck up a conversation, asked my name, etc. He also goes ''so do you live with your boyfriend?" I said no..and he said "do you have a boyfriend?" I said no I'm single, and he said "wow, really? but you're SO cute." We chatted, he got my number, and told me he'd text me so I could have his number in my phone. I told him my phone was dead, and he said ok well, expect a text from me. The next morning after I had charged my phone I saw that he had texted me the night before and just said 'hey its Pete.' It had been like 16 hours, and I didn't really feel I needed to respond to that text..and never heard more from him. Was he offended I didn't respond to that text?? I just feel like he could have put in more effort..a second text perhaps saying it was nice meeting me or something?? Am I asking too much?? I know to a lot of guys its a numbers game to get phone numbers, but I didn't get that vibe. Again, did I do something wrong?? Sorry this is such a long post..I'm so curious about all this and would appreciate feedback..this dating game gets exhausting at times lol Link to comment
LoveSoDeep Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 In my experience men in Cali have ADD when it comes to dating1 HA! Don't take it personally but there are so many beautiful women it seemed to me if they didn't get instant gratification they would soon get bored. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 Yes, dating is exhausting. You did nothing "wrong" in any of your examples. The guys in the first two examples were just not that promising...but the last example, I would have responded to Pete soon after his text to you. He is feeling out your interest, and your no response=no interest. I would have responded to Pete if you were indeed interested. Just my 2 cents.. Link to comment
lila... Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 The third guy...perhaps he felt that you weren't interested since you never replied to his initial text...why didn't you? You say it would be nice if he had put in more effort, but a lot of guys don't feel the need to. I find that with online dating, in general, men tend to be lazy and inept at communicating. It's not their fault. It's the way the world works now a days with technology changing so much. Very few men can actually pick up a phone and call, and unless you tell them to, they assume texting is ok. But like you, I find it usually never gets anywhere. And then there are the men who are on there just for the thrill. They aren't serious about meeting up. A man who is serious about meeting you and interested in you will suggest meeting up after a few conversations and not exchange pointless texts that lead nowhere. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 I get the vibe that guys 1 and 2 were dating other chicks/in relationships and just messaging you for "fun" or ego purposes. I think you dropped the ball on guy 3. He was just putting a feeler out and that's where you should have said "hey there" to let him know the water's fine. If he never responded back then oh well. But yeah, you should have responded to the last guy. Link to comment
BlueEagle Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 Please someone explain this to me..why would he continue to text me constantly about getting together, but not actually pick up the phone and call me or specifically plan a date (i.e. wanna go to XYZ bar on thursday?) Isn't this just common sense?? A lot of people, especially young people, find texting to be more comfortable than picking up the phone to talk. I think he was too shy, socially awkward, or just oblivious to it. It happens quite a bit unfortunately. Again, did I do something wrong?? I feel like maybe I was a little too sassy, but come on!! What guy sends constant pics of himself and won't set up a freaking date?! Did he feel that rejected that I didn't respond to his Newsies text?? Again, this another clueless person who doesn't know the importance of picking up the phone and calling you to set something up. For whatever reason, or reasons, he didn't feel comfortable to even make plans with you via text, let alone by phone. I think it's a case of immaturity on his part. I didn't really feel I needed to respond to that text >>> 'hey its Pete.' I think you should have sent him a text back and then seen where it all went. Why did you feel the need not to respond to him? You were charging your dead phone and it had been 16 hours later, I get that. But why not let him know that you got the text? Was he offended I didn't respond to that text?? Maybe, but probably turned off more and just gave up, or thought it was a wrong number you gave him. I just feel like he could have put in more effort..a second text perhaps saying it was nice meeting me or something?? Am I asking too much?? I think in this particular case you jumped the gun. Him just texting you just that once saying it was him wasn't enough of a chance for him to really expand on that afterwards. In your first two examples it seemed like the guys were dilly-dallying around constantly. But this guy didn't even get a chance to correspond with you because you didn't respond to his lone text. He might have thought it was a fake number, or that you were a tease, playing games, or just not interested. Misunderstandings can do that! How old are these guys? They seem younger. Link to comment
peony83 Posted February 21, 2012 Author Share Posted February 21, 2012 "How old are these guys? They seem younger." They are all in their early thirties! Ya I suppose I should have texted the third guy back, never considered that he thought I gave him a wrong number..oops..now I feel BAD!! Link to comment
hockeynut Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 Yeah you should have texted the third guy back. The first two, unfortunately, this is typical in online dating. It's very flaky by nature. A lot of people are juggling 2, 3, or 4 possible dates at a time and things tend to fizzle out quick. Link to comment
Minx2012 Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 Here are my 2 cents : 1) Perhaps give online dating a rest? 2) Why don't YOU set up the dates then? If they kept on texting you initially, then call them out and say, " Ok, want to meet here for dinner? I can make the reservations if you like ". 3) You admitted that you're sassy. You know yourself better than anyone...but it doesn't mean that you are attuned to what it does to people. Yes, you're sassy...but maybe it puts off men bc it's a bit too much? Link to comment
Galaxo Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 3rd guy asked you about having a boyfriend two times. Said you was cute. Got your number. Texted you. You ignored his text and expected him to do more? Link to comment
CatchersRye Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 "How old are these guys? They seem younger." They are all in their early thirties! Ya I suppose I should have texted the third guy back, never considered that he thought I gave him a wrong number..oops..now I feel BAD!! It's not too late. You said it was last weekend. If you had a good time that night, go on and text/call him now. Say you've been swamped or explain your confusion, just go get him! Link to comment
Emmalin Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 I agree that you still have a shot w/ #3. In the case of the 1st two, it seems that there could have been a tad more clarity on both sides. Maybe responding to "when can I see you?" with "I'm fee maybe Weds or Thurs" still projects a little ambivalence. Give a more definitive answer ("I'm free Thursday evening. Drinks at 6?") and it could get you out of the back & forth. Link to comment
22n32 Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 you gotta stop being so passive.. communicate what u want and take control of the situtaion a little.. sadly we live in a soceity were guys are softer then ever before in history of man.. whole EMO look guys are more feminie then girls are.. its a sad state in our soceity.. and if ur not happy with that.. as most women shouldnt be. then just say next and find urself a real man.. there are real man outhere. we take control of the situtaion, have confidence and let u ladies be the femine females.. good luck.. Link to comment
OrangeMoon Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 you gotta stop being so passive.. communicate what u want and take control of the situtaion a little.. sadly we live in a soceity were guys are softer then ever before in history of man.. whole EMO look guys are more feminie then girls are.. its a sad state in our soceity.. and if ur not happy with that.. as most women shouldnt be. then just say next and find urself a real man.. there are real man outhere. we take control of the situtaion, have confidence and let u ladies be the femine females.. good luck.. I wanted to say something similar actually..to me you are waiting for the guys to know what it is you want or need. Take action for what it is you want or not. Many guys do not have a clue and just do the stuff that worked with some girls. If you want a date, pick the phone and call. If you want him to stop with pics sending, pick up the phone ..tell him and counter with a fun conversation about something else. And I agree with the rest nr 3 was putting out a feeler..Its awkward sometimes to know what to say for the first time for some.. If you have a different desire, you need to set the standard by acting on what you want. He might not like that, because for some men that is too straightforward, but you can be direct and still be very feminine about it...but it will make it clear real fast if something will happen or not.. You could have said 'heya Pete, how are you?...just simple and brief too.. Link to comment
BlueEagle Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 You could have said 'heya Pete, how are you?...just simple and brief too.. I agree, and then she could have seen how, and where, it might have segued. Putting out feelers like that can help a man by gently nudging him to take the next step and seeing if it will materialize into something worthwhile. Link to comment
Blue Spiral Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 sadly we live in a soceity were guys are softer then ever before in history of man.. whole EMO look guys are more feminie then girls are.. its a sad state in our soceity.. It's cultural warfare (and, IMHO, evolution), and the geeks are winning. I'm thrilled to be alive in this period of history--I can't imagine trying to be something I'm not. Now, instead of being forced into outdated gender roles, we can actually be ourselves. Women beat us to it by a few decades, but now it's our turn. Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 I think these guys sound like losers if they're in their 30's and relying on texting so much - it is NOT an effective way to communicate when you're just getting to know someone. It's very nature brings up all these ambiguities you've found where the two people just fret over and wonder what the other person meant. I'd rule out guys that text that much. I would most definitely not date a woman who texted like that in the dating stage of a relationship - I'd move on to someone who could communicate better. Link to comment
falldownkid Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 Guy A sounds like a flake and a waste of time since he wasn't willing to set anything up. Guy B probably thought you weren't interested. The way I understand it you couldn't meet up the day he suggested - and that's fine, but you didn't suggest another day. When you did tell him the day you were free, you were to passive in waiting for him to suggest something - why didn't you suggest when to meet up? And when you didn't respond to his last text, he probably took that as a sign of low interest. Guy C - you dropped the ball (don't worry it happens to best of us!). This is probably went through the guys mind. 'Her phone is dead? Sounds like an excuse. Oh well, I'll send her a text anyways and see if she responds...okay, no word from her, she's not interested.' Link to comment
memento Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 You blew off the third guy. Maybe on the other guys you can say straight up that your not going to have your time wasted. You seem social enough, you probably will have many more chances don't worry about guy 3. Link to comment
learning2relax Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 The guy sending you tons of pics of himself sounds really in love with himself. Link to comment
timlondon Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 OP essentially you didn't show enough interest for them to feel like you were even slightly interested. I imagine you probably feel like guys should do the chasing, which is fine if that's how you want to do it, but you need to at least give them something to go on. Link to comment
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