How do I move on from my family?

[Miming]

My parents have been manipulative and controlling to this day. When I graduated highschool I knew I wasn't ready to

go to college and wanted to continue working part-time and hopefully figure out what field i'm going to take in the future when

I'm ready for college. Now for my mom, this was not an option at all. My parents wanted me to jump right into it.

I was 18 at the time and of course had no idea what I wanted to do after highschool so I thought working was the safe thing to do

but they insisted otherwise. I was very naive with no experience and so whatever my parents suggested or my other relatives

suggested I agreed to do. I know it was decision at the end of the day but their influence on me was so strong that I just agreed to do whatever they told me to do.

Later on, I ended up dropping out of nursing school because it was not for me and it was not what I wanted to do

for the rest of my life. The reason I initially chose this field was because they told me that it was a stable job and i wouldn't have any problem with

getting a job. And also, most of my aunt where nurses.

They forced me into going into something I was not prepared for and on top of that

I wasted a student loan. Now my parents are pressuring me to put money on the table.

I'm 23 now finishing up accounting and i have plans going into business management. Now I really feel that I have total control of

my decisions and I'm happy and satisfied with school. I don't want them to know yet that i'm

going into business management because I know they will just tell me that I won't get a stable job from it.

Me and my family moved to Canada from Philippines about 11 yrs ago. We had enough money to start but it just went out the window

because they couldn't get a decent job. My parents told me that we moved to Canada for me and my brother to get a good education.

But now they don't even support my decisions about school. Now they want me to get a job and start supporting them financially.

Now they're making me feel responsible for their financial loss because I dropped out from an opportunity to make steady income.

They do this by comparing our situation to our relatives (also living in Canada.) It's really hard for me emotionally when they do this because

it makes me feel like I had let them down by going by my own choices in life and not theirs.

My parents get influenced so much by our other relatives. I'm not saying my relatives are manipulative as well but from what I'm seeing

I think my parents are just trying to live up to their expectations because when we were in the Philippines, we were seen as the

'successful, perfect family' (I have a very big, close extended family). Everytime my relatives would suggest something to us, we would just

step right into that suggestion even if it does not benefit us. It's frustrating because I keep telling them that not all families are the same and they can't seem to understand.

 

Now that I'm older I'm seeing things more clearly and I'm able to see through my parents everytime they do something like this.

I know that if I had stayed at my workplace and had not went to school for nursing, I would've saved alot of money for myself and had gotten

alot of good experience working for a company. They think that working at baseball stadium is not a stable job and of course I know that this

is not a permanent job. They just wanted me to stop working and just stay in school, graduate and give them what we owe.

Working was pretty much forbidden. They were never supportive

of me working at that place even if I knew working there was one of the best experiences in my life. I met new people, new friends and the people

there made me happy. I use to go out and socialize with people, make connections and everytime I come home they would always give me bad looks, make me feel guilty

and tell me that I'm wasting my time going out all the time. Now I'm just so frustrated, depressed and angry.

My frustration just grew as time went on to the point that I'm not even speaking to my mom anymore because she's just too manipulative

even though she knows I have grown and i'm able to make decisions that are best for me. All these years everytime I have to make big decisions

not once did I ever leave my family out of the equation. I wanted them by my side all the time. They've made me so reliant on them instead of guiding

me to become an independent person. It took alot of good schooling from professors for me to be independent, more clear headed and more aware.

Now I'm finishing college with plans to further my studies but I feel so pressured. They keep reminding me of all the things they have done for me

and I feel like I owe them so much and at the same time I want to leave it all behind. I want to move out and live my life my own terms but I feel like

they're pulling me down to where I was.

 

How do I move on from this? I need some advice

and thank you for taking the time to read this.

[RoxyGril]

Your adult now and that can't control what choices you are making for your own life. What isn't fair is that they are pressuring you into doing things and also making you feel bad over certain situations. Have you considered moving out? Also have you sat down with them and tell them how you feel?

 

I will admit I am still dealing with issues with my mom and I am not even living in the same house with her. It's hard because I am struggling to let go of the things that I have been acustomed to and hurt by as well. I know that it isn't healthy away and I do need to really work on that. Anyways, my point is that it isn't a healthy situation for you to be in. Move out be on your own and allow yourself to work on you! Your parents may want what is best for you but they need to understand that they can't continue to make the decisions for you. Don't allow their decisions to effect your life and even more so if your unhappy. I understand where your coming from even though my situation maybe a bit different.

[Miming]

thank you for your advice, i really appreciate it.

It's really difficult because when I initiate a conversation they'll eventually somehow turn the discussion into me being selfish and not considering them when I always have. It turns into a debated argument when all I want is for them to understand but instead I get criticized and put down. I have ALWAYS considered moving out and maybe this is why they keep providing me with goods, to keep me from leaving them in the future. It's gonna be really hard trying to move out since i'm still in school and planning to stay in school. I would've done it in a heartbeat if I had enough saved. Nowadays I'm just trying to limit my presence in the house and stay mostly in my room. I'm just trying my best to tolerate them but it gets even more harder when they have other relatives over because they feel the same way as my parents. Everytime they're around I get more criticism and it hurts because I just sit there putting up with it. I'm so close to exploding but I know it would just make matters worse. I know they want me to help out and support them which I'm very willing to do so even when I'm still in school but how can I do that if they don't support and respect my decisions.

[RoxyGril]

Your situation sounds so much like my though it was over my relationship with my bf. My mom would always criticized me about not being home enough, not being able to afford to live on my own, not doing certain things around the house, etc. (I could go on about all the things she would make me feel terriable about). I don't know if its the fact that she want me to live my life the way she wanted but, she couldn't handle it because I was rebeling against her. When I started dating my bf I was 21 and she stopped like him over the fact that I couldn't drive home because I was to drunk. I called her to let her know that I can drive home and to see if she could pick me up. Well, somehow my friends grabbed my phone and then went to my bf. My bf told her 'You know where she is at, you either can come pick her up or I will bring her home in the morning.' That was the end of the conversation and which my mom claim he had yelled at her but he didn't. But my point is from that day 5 years ago my mom we aren't really on the best of terms. She was made my life diffcult! She constantly would nit pick at me for any little thing which I couldn't handle being in the same room for 5 mins. I spent my time either in my room or I would leave to see my bf.

 

Yeah I am still dealing with her but now since I live on my own the stress and criticism aren't as bad. I'll admit I lived on my own by renting a room for a year before I moved in with my bf and I struggled. I had a $300 car payment along with other bills and I struggled. I may have struggled but I got through it and I am proud of myself. I didn't have much saved either when I moved out but it taught me lot.

 

Hold your head up and I know its hard but you'll get through it. Keep yourself busy with work/school and be a strong person. Know what you want out of life and do what is best for you. Your parents shouldn't tell you what you can and cannot do. Even though they probably want what's best for you but they need to let you go and make your own choices. Its just sad that they expect you to support them financally and that's shouldn't be placed on you.

[Miming]

Yeah I do feel so pressured like I'm faced by this big responsibility that I never wanted because of how everything had turned out. It's like when all else fails, there's me like I'm the back up plan.

I'll really try my best to get out of this situation. I know I'll be seen as selfish by alot but Ill try to get through it. I'm still willing to support but I no longer want to be around them.

Thank you so much for your encouragement. I will try to keep my head up. It's hard to tell people about my situation because it's my family and the way they've treated me is so manipulative I can't even describe it, no one understands unless they experience it you know?

[RoxyGril]

It's hard to tell people about my situation because it's my family and the way they've treated me is so manipulative I can't even describe it, no one understands unless they experience it you know?

 

I feel the same way. I totally understand and your obiviously not the only one going threw this type of situation.

 

I'll really try my best to get out of this situation. I know I'll be seen as selfish by alot but Ill try to get through it. I'm still willing to support but I no longer want to be around them.

 

Knowing how diffcult the situation maybe just keep your head up! Know that there will be a time for you to remove yourself for their situation. If they see you as being selfish that is ridculous! They are the ones that are being selfish and very prideful! They expect so much out of that they don't seem to have the slightest clue how it effect people. If you every need to advice or just even to talk...you can always pm me.

[Miming]

Thank you so much If ever I feel hopeless or about to explode I'll most likely will. I'm gonna try to be the best I can be even if it's just me against my family. Again thank you

[RoxyGril]

Your welcome!!!