Misery keeps haunting me :(

[1TAKENi]

I have to be honest. Im in the most confusing stage of my life right now. Ive had a very rough past and a very rough childhood. I sometimes wonder why I was the way I was. At night I'll be laying in my bed and memories start formulating in my mind about how great it used to be sleeping next to ex every night, and how much fun I had just being with him ANYWHERE. Its stated that him being my first actual boyfriend was the reason why I was the way I was. I couldnt trust him, I was very jealous, and I would hit him. I look back at the past, and it's been 5 months since our breakup. Im sure Ive pushed him away more than ever now because I havent stopped calling him since the breakup. I either go through NC which lasts a week or I cry my eyes out missing him like crazy. IM so afraid to let him go, I know i ts the best thing I can do. But I deeply love and care about him. SO much that Im willing to go to couseling for ME, but also for him. Its the worst feeling to feel like an instigator and feel guilty about losing someone you love because you couldnt act right when you had the chance to. This guy actually cared about me alot at one time. He tried to work with me but I guess all i ever did was NAG, he had some issues too, which lead to arguments, but he was human, and I was willing to step over that and stay with him. Ive only tried NC twice since our break up. Each which lasted atleast 7 days. I feel like Im far different from the crowd, because Im clingier than who knows. I figured I need couseling and would like to start because no one has been able to make me see the real thing. Im stuck on our good memories, and I havent accepted the breakup yet. Why is he gone now? I'm so lost and so scared to STOP talking to him. I know can occupy my time with school and work, but he is always on my mind so Im not giving myself to anything as far as I should be. Im also feeling resentful and ashamed of myself. My selfesteem has gotten worse. And all I ever want to do is talk to him on the phone and or see him any chance I get. I love talking to him. I might not get what I want , which is for us to get back together. But Id rather keep in my life and suffer thatn lose all ties with him. Im so lost , I dont know what else to do. Its proven he wont get back with me. And thats all I want to do or talk about. Some days Ill feel normal and accept the break up temporarily, and then others Ill be in a state of complete shock and start crying like as if he wouldve dumped me 5 minutes ago. Im scared to be alone because when I am its only me and the thought of missing him, and I get so scared on how my reactions will be. Sometimes I dont know if I have gone more crazy or what.I know the right thing is to STOP all contact and just LEAVE it alone. BUT what if I do that for month, say, and he doesnt call me or anything. Im going to be SO hurt. I dont want him to remember me as the bad person I was. I want another chance, I know we were meant for each other, it was just bad timing. I love him and I guarantee no man is going to get the same love I had for him in this lifetime Please help

[appdev89]

personal development ftw? you haven't changed, yet you want him back. what do you expect him to do even if you get back together?

[newyear]

Hi iTAKen, sorry to read about your agony. I am the same as you my dear. I broke my NC after 4 week though because I really felt it is time to check where I am .. but did not get an answer to my question. My text got to him in a very unsuitable time and that was the only reply "angry" but no reply to my questions. I feel awful because he is the one who asked me to respect his request for a NC. I left him for a month.. now NC again for another month. I just feel I need to know what is going on in his life. does he think he is god all of sudden. they don't understand our [[sychology. I am like you still cry my heart out. in my age. I am alot older than you. I really feel I'll die pinning for him and our memories. he is a year older how can he behave in such a heartless way. Have I blew my chances to get back to him? as you I feel so shaky and insecure.. and angry with myself for being weak.

hang on there itaken - you are young and I am sure life will change for you and you'll remember the past with fondness but you'll be glad to leave this agonizing past. I hope for that day.. because personaly I feel so ill - physically with it.