1TAKENi Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 I have to be honest. Im in the most confusing stage of my life right now. Ive had a very rough past and a very rough childhood. I sometimes wonder why I was the way I was. At night I'll be laying in my bed and memories start formulating in my mind about how great it used to be sleeping next to ex every night, and how much fun I had just being with him ANYWHERE. Its stated that him being my first actual boyfriend was the reason why I was the way I was. I couldnt trust him, I was very jealous, and I would hit him. I look back at the past, and it's been 5 months since our breakup. Im sure Ive pushed him away more than ever now because I havent stopped calling him since the breakup. I either go through NC which lasts a week or I cry my eyes out missing him like crazy. IM so afraid to let him go, I know i ts the best thing I can do. But I deeply love and care about him. SO much that Im willing to go to couseling for ME, but also for him. Its the worst feeling to feel like an instigator and feel guilty about losing someone you love because you couldnt act right when you had the chance to. This guy actually cared about me alot at one time. He tried to work with me but I guess all i ever did was NAG, he had some issues too, which lead to arguments, but he was human, and I was willing to step over that and stay with him. Ive only tried NC twice since our break up. Each which lasted atleast 7 days. I feel like Im far different from the crowd, because Im clingier than who knows. I figured I need couseling and would like to start because no one has been able to make me see the real thing. Im stuck on our good memories, and I havent accepted the breakup yet. Why is he gone now? I'm so lost and so scared to STOP talking to him. I know can occupy my time with school and work, but he is always on my mind so Im not giving myself to anything as far as I should be. Im also feeling resentful and ashamed of myself. My selfesteem has gotten worse. And all I ever want to do is talk to him on the phone and or see him any chance I get. I love talking to him. I might not get what I want , which is for us to get back together. But Id rather keep in my life and suffer thatn lose all ties with him. Im so lost , I dont know what else to do. Its proven he wont get back with me. And thats all I want to do or talk about. Some days Ill feel normal and accept the break up temporarily, and then others Ill be in a state of complete shock and start crying like as if he wouldve dumped me 5 minutes ago. Im scared to be alone because when I am its only me and the thought of missing him, and I get so scared on how my reactions will be. Sometimes I dont know if I have gone more crazy or what.I know the right thing is to STOP all contact and just LEAVE it alone. BUT what if I do that for month, say, and he doesnt call me or anything. Im going to be SO hurt. I dont want him to remember me as the bad person I was. I want another chance, I know we were meant for each other, it was just bad timing. I love him and I guarantee no man is going to get the same love I had for him in this lifetime Please help Link to comment
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