Thinking About Settling

[EmmaB78]

A couple of things. First to RealityNut - is that you at 57?!?! Cause, damn woman, I would sell my first born to look like you at 57. Ahem.

 

But to the OP. If you really think you are being pretty realistic in your "looks" standards, then I say give it some more time. First of all, you are lucky in that 38 isn't considered particularly "old" for a guy. You will be able to have kids for a long while so don't worry about that. I don't think you will be happy if you "settle" for someone you don't find particularly attractive. I have tried that myself, and it NEVER works. Just try to remind yourself that it's ok to be rejected sometimes, and that it doesn't mean everyone will reject you or that there is something wrong with you, and so you need to just stick with someone who you aren't that interested in. It's very important to WANT to have sex with the person you're with, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with waiting for that. It just takes time to find that good mixture of sexually attractive and personally attractive. Don't jump into anything just yet. Wait for the "hot" girl who wants the second date. She's out there if you're really being realistic in your expectations.

[Batya33]

No. I have nothing to prove to anybody anymore. Also, at this point in my life, I don't really think my friends, family really care. As long as I'm happy, they're happy. It's more to do with what another person said in the post above. I don't think it's fair to me or a woman if I have to go through the relationship feeling that I settled. It definitely is more about chemistry. I am just asking that she's attractive to me. I'm not talking in superficial ways either. I'm 38 soon and I need someone with a little more sophistication, class, and who pays attention to her body (health and fitness wise) at this point in my life. Yes I think it is to do with being proud to have her on my arm but not as a trophy. More as someone that I'm inspired by.

 

Obviously you need to be attracted to the person, the separate question is whether your standards of what physical features she must have are realistic especially since women's bodies change (well men's do too but you know what I mean) - and if you need to be inspired by someone's physical features then that's also separate from attraction and chemistry. As far as health and fitness- I can relate but again it depends on whether you're talking about a good bill of health from the doctor or having something far closer to "perfection".

[hockeynut]

You do look very good for your age. This is typical though, all the women say there are no good-looking guys and vice versa. I don't know where this general belief came from that there are sooo many pretty girls out there. I'm finding a lot of girls in their 30's have put on a lot of weight and don't keep themsleves in shape. I'm a borderline gym rat and I'm not going to be with someone that doesn't keep themself in shape.

 

As a matter of fact, the one who rejected me has been online constantly since our date so I guess her Prince Charming hasn't swept her away either. Online dating is the ultimate in window shopping...

[hockeynut]

I am beat down. It's been a very difficult last few years. Amazingly, people keep remarking how young I look when they see me even though I feel I've aged (on the inside) a considerable amount.

 

I'm trying to become happy being alone and the way my life is today but it's difficult. That's why every opportunity that doesn't pan out turns into such a huge disappointment for me.

 

And yes, I am panicked that I'm getting older and don't have kids. I understand there is still time but if I'm having problems now, it's just going to get harder in my 40's. I kind of do feel like I'm under the gun.

 

That said, it may be a good idea to take a break from online dating for a while.

[hockeynut]

I think I am. I really do.

 

Even the one that rejected me; a friend of mine saw her picture and said she's not that hot but to me she was beautiful so who knows.

 

I doubt she would say that I'm out of her league...that thought probably didn't cross her mind. It probably was just not enough chemistry.

[22n32]

I dont see why u have to settle.. key is to find a little bit of everything.. not just one or the other..

 

im kinda in the same boat.. im 31.. last 10 yrs ive been dating 21-24yr old 10+ very attractive women..

 

but my priorites have changed.. i want a caring, thoughtfull, honest, genuine lady who i can start a family with..

 

so going after the most attractive 24yr isnt the best person to fit the bill.. im actually seeing alot of 28-31 who in my eyes are way more attractive and are looking for a long term rel and to start a family..

 

looks isnt everything.. and nobody is perfect. can u say ur a perfect 10 with a models body prob not.. so its not fair to be so picky with women..

 

i feel the key is to find a little bit of everything, looks, values, personality and commom goals.. not just be focused on one or the other..

[Batya33]

You sound like a female acquaintance of mine (former friend). Since I've known her -for about 13 years -she rejected all men with red hair/no hair/overweight by more than 5-10 pounds, under 5"9 and claimed it was all based on "chemistry". She's in her mid-40s and single despite claiming to want to be married and a full time mother more than anything. I don't buy the chemistry excuse.

[hockeynut]

Absolutely correct. And I'll just add, the reason the last rejection hurt so bad wasn't based solely on looks. I thought we had plenty in common and I was also very drawn to her personality.

 

Believe me I struggle with this a lot. I constantly ask myself, "who the hell do you think you are?" I know I'm not George Clooney. But I have a lot of relationship experience and I know what I can and cannot accept. I just don't want to be unfair to her or me.

[hockeynut]

You sound like a female acquaintance of mine (former friend). Since I've known her -for about 13 years -she rejected all men with red hair/no hair/overweight by more than 5-10 pounds, under 5"9 and claimed it was all based on "chemistry". She's in her mid-40s and single despite claiming to want to be married and a full time mother more than anything. I don't buy the chemistry excuse.

 

 

You're tough. You can call chemistry an excuse all you want and you can marginalize it but you're only fooling yourself. I'll tell you what, go tell the woman that rejected me a few weeks ago that she's using chemistry as an excuse and she should give me another look. Let's see if she'll reconsider...

[OrangeMoon]

I am thinking about settling too actually..if you can call it that really. Maybe its just about opening yourself up to people who arent 'bad' people but wouldnt have considered before..

 

I am fed up with the pretty boys..

 

Let's see how that goes..

I have got my first date 'outside the box' this Sunday..so..

[22n32]

I am thinking about settling too actually..if you can call it that really. Maybe its just about opening yourself up to people who arent 'bad' people but wouldnt have considered before..

 

I am fed up with the pretty boys..

 

Let's see how that goes..

I have got my first date 'outside the box' this Sunday..so..

 

goodluck with that.. not all pretty boys are bad.. but most only love u when there playing...

[Blue Spiral]

hockeynut: how strongly do you feel about getting married and having kids? If it's something you really want, and have put a lot of thought into, you should obviously keep trying to do it. Given that women tend to marry slightly older men, I think you could find an extremely attractive (and, coincidentally, slightly younger) woman that's looking for stability.

 

On the other hand, if marriage/kids is something you haven't put much thought into--if you just always assumed you'd do it, or you feel it's expected of you--well, you're putting yourself through this for no reason. Were you as frustrated with short-term "fun" dating as you are with attempting to find someone to get serious with? If not, it may be a sign that artificial expectations are screwing up your life.

[Batya33]

You're tough. You can call chemistry an excuse all you want and you can marginalize it but you're only fooling yourself. I'll tell you what, go tell the woman that rejected me a few weeks ago that she's using chemistry as an excuse and she should give me another look. Let's see if she'll reconsider...

 

I never said chemistry was an excuse. I said claiming that pickiness is because otherwise there's "no chemistry" often is an excuse used by people who want to claim they're looking for a relationship but secretly -or unconsciously -want to stay in a comfort zone of not having to do the work of a relationship especially when the smitten stage ends or fades. If you read da my post I wrote that people who are looking for very specific physical features often claim it's because otherwise there's no "chemistry" but very often there's another reason.

 

By way of another example I have a single friend who really wants to marry but claims that on a first date she doesn't feel a spark so there's never a second date - obviously if she chose to give that person another chance or chances a spark might develop if otherwise she thought he was a nice person. Or the friend who had sex right away when she met someone new and walked away if the sex wasn't amazing the first time. She was in her 50s, never married but wanted a serious relationship.

[hockeynut]

Ok got ya. That makes perfect sense. And I guess I am looking to be smitten with someone. I know from experience that smitten goes away and am well prepared to accept that and stay in a relationship but I need to feel smitten at first.

[abitbroken]

If you are a gym rat or borderline and want someone who is the same, then like I say, sign up for the charity runs, groups that get together to hike, or something like that. You won't meet any couch potatoes there. There are plenty of women who are in good shape in their 30s for sure. People always guess wrong about my age and I am close to 40 and am in great shape, but I have never had kids. If I had been pregnant, it may have been harder to keep my shape. My friends who are a bit heavier either had 3 kids and have lost weight but aren't the same as they were in college, or were never skinny even when they were young. So don't be quick to label "all women in their 30s are heavy". Not all women in their 30s have that long/lean runner's body but then most of them didn't have it at 20 either even if they had a low BMI.

 

Also as we are not 21 anymore, what does "getting smitten" mean. To me, as a woman in my late 30s, I don't do "puppy love." The first few dates are finding out more about the guy and giving myself permission to fall for him based on research. I don't have time and don't want to fall for a guy whose goals are way off from mine, who I could not see as a life partner. It's one thing if he passes and it doesn't work out in the end, but if a guy has some obvious qualities that are not doable for me (and I am open minded, I don't HAVE to have a guy with the perfect hair color, etc, but I am talking major ones), I weed him out. And most of the time it was a mutual weed.

 

Now that you met someone who you liked but it just didn't work for her, maybe use that as motivation that there are women out there, but sometimes its not the right timing for them.

 

I agree - if you are not set on staying in new york forever, expand your horizons - what about women in western connecticutt, or slightly upstate? Or more so join groups of people that have common interests and word will get around that you are single and nice and eventually the sisters, former roommates, etc will be introduced to you.

[Batya33]

Ok got ya. That makes perfect sense. And I guess I am looking to be smitten with someone. I know from experience that smitten goes away and am well prepared to accept that and stay in a relationship but I need to feel smitten at first.

Yes of course. That has very little to do with physical features though - of course it does have to do with chemistry.

[hockeynut]

I don't do puppy love either. I guess I approach dating just the way you so eloquently put it.

 

I am going to look into different meetup events that involve hiking and other physical activities.

 

I've dated girls from CT, NJ, you name it. It's just tough living and working on LI. It's difficult to keep the momentum going but I am still not totally ruling it out.