hockeynut Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 Ok so the word settling may not be the best word but this is what's been on my mind for a while and this is what I'm struggling with. I'd love some opinions and advice. I'm soon to be 38 and I've been divorced for a couple of years. I've been doing the online dating thing for a while. I've gone out on tons of dates and even had a couple of 3 or 4 month relationships. The problem is that I have very high standards. My ex-wife was beautiful and looks are important to me (I know it's superficial but hey it's me). Most of the girls I've been out with were very nice but I just wasn't attracted to them physically. I even went out with one girl for 3 months who was 31 and really liked me. She would have made a great wife and mother but I had to break it off because in the end, I never really felt any physical chemistry. Of the over 30 women I've been out with over the last couple of years. I'd say 3 or 4 were attractive to me but I never got a second date out of those. Recently I went out with one girl who was stunning and had a great personality. I posted about this a couple of weeks ago so I won't go into detail but let's just say the date went great and we kissed but a few days later she essentially told me thanks but no thanks. This was kind of like the last straw for me and has really made me completely frustrated and disillusioned with dating and especially online dating. It's made me think about things in a way I never really have. First, it has me questioning if I'm overestimating my worth. I mean I've been told I'm good looking. I have good social skills, I'm tall and in great shape. I have a good job but results or lack thereof speak for themselves. I am usually the one turning down the second date but with the few really attractive ones, I have been rejected. Second, I've come to realize the futility of online dating. Even though I live in the NYC area, I don't see that many attractive women online. And the few that are have a thousand guys e-mailing them wanting to take them out. I just don't need this competition at this point in my life. Third, my goal is to hopefully have kids or even a kid and I can't keep waiting for someone that has looks and personality especially with all of the competition online. Frankly, most of the time I write a girl that's I think is attractive, I don't get a reply. Last, I'm passed the point of meeting a bunch of people. What I mean is, I don't want to play the numbers game anymore and just line up a lot of dates to see if there's chemistry. I only bother with girls where I have a strong feeling of interest and that is leaving me dateless for long stretches. I have no social structure left. Most of my friends are married with kids and I'm tired of going out to bars/clubs. I don't even like doing my hobbies anymore. Anyway, they're mostly solitary pursuits that don't usually involve girls. So it's pretty much online dating or nothing for me. After a lot of soul searching I'm wondering if I should just go for a nice girl that likes me and treats me well and I like her too even if there isn't much of a physical spark. The problem is, I've tried to make relationships work where I haven't had much physical attraction but I can's sustain them both emotionally and physically. I can usually hang in for 3 months but then I just get exhausted. Believe me, it's about more than looks for me but looks are very integral too. How do I compromise? Or can I? Or is it even possible? I hate to use the word settle because I don't think I'm superman and I should be lucky to be with some of these girls but at the same time I can't fake it. Lastly, I know a lot of people think attraction grows when you get to know someone but not for me. A girl that I'm not physically attracted to who is the sweetest thing is always gonna be a sweet girl I'm not attracted to. I usually know early on if I'm attracted to her. I'm not looking for Jennifer Aniston (well I am but I'm realistic). I just want someone I find attractive and sexy but I'm not sure I am actually attractive to girls I find attractive. How do I focus on what I need instead of what I want? Or am I short-changing myself? Thanks for reading. Link to comment
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