If you've been single for a long time part II

[corvidae]

I came on here a while back to talk about how I had depression and I believed my negative thoughts were holding me back, as I am a 33 year old man who has never had a girlfriend or even dated consistently. I've been on meds for a while and also just tried to have more positive thought processes, and I think that I feel different and am a more peaceful person. Regarding women though, I'm not sure what the next step is. I feel more postive now but I don't really know how to go about getting in a position where I date and could potentially meet someone right for me. I am not into cold approaching so I'd appreciate avoiding advice about that. Any ideas folks?

[somethngwrng]

You have to put yourself out there and make yourself susceptible to rejection. Whether it's cold approaches, internet dating, meeting people through hobbies, none of it is going to be easy - especially for someone starting late in life. I met my current gf through internet dating, went through a lot of rejection before I met her. Ironically she was also the girl I'd liked the most out of everyone I'd met. I'd definitely recommend internet dating, though there were particular sites I had a lot more luck on than others. This is the first time in my life I have ever really "dated" - at 27, I have had a couple of GFs in the past but never really 'dated' them prior to hooking up. They were also unhealthy relationships.

 

Any way you do it - unless you're lucky, you're often going to feel nervous/anxious, rejected and feel like giving up at times. Don't be afraid to take breaks from searching but don't forget what you want. As you keep trying, you'll get better at dealing with the opposite sex in all types of ways. The type of conversation, controlling anxiety, keeping realistic expectations and ultimately, getting and keeping dates.

 

If I have one tip, it's that you shouldn't put all your eggs in one basket until you are dating exclusively. Have several potentials on the go, that way you feel much less anxious and care less when you are rejected by someone you were hopeful about. It's not easy to get in this position, but after you've been using internet dating for a while it should get easier.

[bialoman]

Similar to the post above, the best way to meet people is by getting out there. Do you have any interests, like sports or amateur acting/drama, drawing? How about joining a club or group. I've always found this to be a great ice breaker into social settings. If I have ever moved to a new town or city and a complete stranger, I always try and join a soccer team or go see some local bands.

 

I have not tried internet dating but have heard mixed reports from friends that have done it. Depends on your self-esteem levels but I can imagine it can be a pretty tough environment as many users seem to be using it for fun or they may be seeing 4-5 people at a time and trying to decide which one they like.

 

From your avator, you look like a handsome guy and I'm sure you wouldn't have any problems attracting some women by looks alone but I know that you need some substance to back it up to. There are some good forums and books about gaining confidence and some great tips about it.

[epsilon2x]

I came on here a while back to talk about how I had depression and I believed my negative thoughts were holding me back, as I am a 33 year old man who has never had a girlfriend or even dated consistently. I've been on meds for a while and also just tried to have more positive thought processes, and I think that I feel different and am a more peaceful person. Regarding women though, I'm not sure what the next step is. I feel more postive now but I don't really know how to go about getting in a position where I date and could potentially meet someone right for me. I am not into cold approaching so I'd appreciate avoiding advice about that. Any ideas folks?

 

Even thought you specifically said you're not into cold approaching, I'm going to give my 2 cents anyways. I'm going to be blunt.

 

You're not into cold approaching because you are not confident in your abilities to do so. You can't sit here and tell us that if you knew cold approaches would get you any girl you wanted that you wouldn't do it. You are scared of rejection and uncomfortable in the idea of it. That's okay, but over time, with practice, it gets easier. I'd say 90% of the girls I go out with are from cold approaches. I can't tell you how many times I've had success with a simple smile and a "hi, how are you?" The best part about it is that there is no rejection at this point. 99% of girls will respond, and based on how they respond you decide if you want to continue the conversation.

 

You don't look like a bad looking guy from your profile pic. Girls appreciate a guy who isn't scared to say hello to a stranger. It's no even necessarily a cold approach the way I do it most of the time. Walk with good posture and don't look at the ground. If a cute girl makes eye contact with you, don't hesitate to say "hi, how are you?" Go to places you know good looking girls hang out at and just walk around looking busy. I personally like Wholefoods because it's a health store and it's literally filled with the most beautiful women I've ever seen all day/night. If that's too nerve racking for you, get a couple drinks and go to a laid back bar. Despite what people say, girls go out to bars looking for men. It's only a 'girls night' when they're politely turning you down, or are taken.

[Galaxo]

Do not sweat rejection. Get out there, get rejected, learn it does not hurt, become unstoppable.

[ZionShade]

A different take on the subject, I personally do not feel anyone really needs another to justify happiness. I would say desire being the route of the human condition is not easily cut, the life of the ascetic is not an easy life to live.

[blueplanet22]

From a females POV

 

Online dating definitely worth ago, have a couple of decent pictures where can see your face and where you are out and about but definitely not a drunken one, I skip right past these guys. Have an interesting profile and then just a simple Hi how are you, or any compliments usually go down well, or ask about somewhere they have been. Avoid the "how are you finding the site" questions, I hate this because of all the questions with regards to me or my life, hobbies places travelled etc they ask this - women do not like talking to potential suitors about other dates.

 

I'd also say get a hobby such as dance classes or exercise class were you mix with others is a good way to meet people. Also have you looked on the site "link removed"

 

Lots of things and groups to get involved in there from walking, pubbing, singles nights, exercise groups, cycling, allsorts of interests.

 

Don't worrry about rejection, you have to realise that just because you might not "fit" for that person, that the next will be the same. In dating I have learnt not to get to hung up on not getting a response from an email, doesn't mean I am unattractive or uninteresting, just not what they are looking for, so I move onto the next.

[Raize]

My friend said this line recently. "Expectation leads to disappointment. If you have no expectations, you cannot get disappointed."

 

The less you hope and expect or analyse a social situation the better. In fact practically dive in head first with little to no thought.

 

Don't approach women wondering "What if she is the one, don't screw this up!". Also if you see a woman that takes your fancy, a good thought-pattern to get into is to *not* even begin to allow yourself to stand there even for a few seconds wondering "Should I, shouldn't I..." Just approach her with the same tact as you would approach your elderly neighbour to say a casual how-do-you-do, or a customer you are serving in a store i.e. just another person. Sure she's a hot person but what-ev's...

 

When you're out and about, treat any social interactions with women as 'practice' for when you meet Miss Right someday. Treat every encounter, every aquaintance, every rejection as another stepping stone on you brushing up on your social skills whilst realising women are just people too, not to be put on a pedestal.

[carra]

My friend said this line recently. "Expectation leads to disappointment. If you have no expectations, you cannot get disappointed."

This is what I did some time ago and I can only say: don't do this.

 

When you remove your expectations, you remove all of them. You will no longer care for any negative expectations: that is good because you eliminate your fears. But when doing this you also remove any positive expectations: your illusions. And a life without illusions is just not worth it. You become apathetic and have no motivations.