mindless08 Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 I feel like I don't even know myself anymore...Over the last 3 years or so, I've become exactly what I always hated and swore I'd never be. I am just like my mother, who might I add, is a terrible "mother" and person. I have ruined my relationship with my boyfriend, and I fear that I will do the same with my son. It all started about 6 months into my relationship with my boyfriend. Something in me changed and I dont know why or when. I went from seeing him talk to his ex g/f and totally not care, because I knew the situation and trusted him, to accusing him of cheating on me with every female he came in contact with. I started to fear he was going to sleep with just about anyone from his boss to the check out girl at walmart. And I dont know why....he never gave me a reason to not trust him, always treated me well...but something in me snapped. It caused horrible fights between us. I started yelling at him for no reason. I'd accuse him of cheating, or sometimes we'd be just bickering over something small and I'd go off and turn what wouldve been a minor disagreement into a huge fight until we both can no longer even remember what we started fighting about. Sometimes it's like I see myself doing this, and I want to stop and shut up, and I know in the back of my mind that if I leave him alone, give him space and myself space to think and calm down, no matter what the fight is about, it'll be fine and we'll be able to talk calmly and work it out after. But then it's like something takes over and I just can't stop...and sometimes it's almost like it in a way feels good to let out the anger and I start bringing up things that happened years ago and yelling at him for that...obviously this gets us nowhere. Needless to say, this has worn on our relationship horribly. We've taken our engagement riings off, and he's ready to leave. I honestly have no idea what keeps him here. If he treated me this way, I wouldve wanted to leave a long time ago...He says he loves me, I know he does, and wants to just make things better. Everytime we fight, I see my mother in me. She did all these things to my father. It ruined my relationship with both of them because I was always caught in the middle. I dont want that for my son. He's a baby now, but wont be forever. This is not me. I know it's not. I feel like who I really am is deep inside screaming for help...trying to get out, and has been for 3 years. I dont know where to turn. I dont know whats wrong with me, or what to do. My boyfriend is at the end...i dont know how he has any care for me left in him, but some how he does. I've thought about counseling or therapy. I know this stems from issues with my past and parents, but it's ruining me. I'm afraid a therapist would charge thousands and do basically nothing.. Please help. Link to comment
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