What is wrong with me?

[mindless08]

I feel like I don't even know myself anymore...Over the last 3 years or so, I've become exactly what I always hated and swore I'd never be. I am just like my mother, who might I add, is a terrible "mother" and person. I have ruined my relationship with my boyfriend, and I fear that I will do the same with my son. It all started about 6 months into my relationship with my boyfriend. Something in me changed and I dont know why or when. I went from seeing him talk to his ex g/f and totally not care, because I knew the situation and trusted him, to accusing him of cheating on me with every female he came in contact with. I started to fear he was going to sleep with just about anyone from his boss to the check out girl at walmart. And I dont know why....he never gave me a reason to not trust him, always treated me well...but something in me snapped. It caused horrible fights between us. I started yelling at him for no reason. I'd accuse him of cheating, or sometimes we'd be just bickering over something small and I'd go off and turn what wouldve been a minor disagreement into a huge fight until we both can no longer even remember what we started fighting about. Sometimes it's like I see myself doing this, and I want to stop and shut up, and I know in the back of my mind that if I leave him alone, give him space and myself space to think and calm down, no matter what the fight is about, it'll be fine and we'll be able to talk calmly and work it out after. But then it's like something takes over and I just can't stop...and sometimes it's almost like it in a way feels good to let out the anger and I start bringing up things that happened years ago and yelling at him for that...obviously this gets us nowhere. Needless to say, this has worn on our relationship horribly. We've taken our engagement riings off, and he's ready to leave. I honestly have no idea what keeps him here. If he treated me this way, I wouldve wanted to leave a long time ago...He says he loves me, I know he does, and wants to just make things better. Everytime we fight, I see my mother in me. She did all these things to my father. It ruined my relationship with both of them because I was always caught in the middle. I dont want that for my son. He's a baby now, but wont be forever. This is not me. I know it's not. I feel like who I really am is deep inside screaming for help...trying to get out, and has been for 3 years. I dont know where to turn. I dont know whats wrong with me, or what to do. My boyfriend is at the end...i dont know how he has any care for me left in him, but some how he does. I've thought about counseling or therapy. I know this stems from issues with my past and parents, but it's ruining me. I'm afraid a therapist would charge thousands and do basically nothing.. Please help.

[DN]

You need the equivalent of a treatment plan - a way of dealing with the reasons for this behaviour, understanding the triggers that will set you off and ways of avoiding those triggers and/or disengaging if you have started an issue.

[Ginna]

Everytime we fight, I see my mother in me. She did all these things to my father. It ruined my relationship with both of them because I was always caught in the middle.

It's good you admitted your problem... and even found the main reason for it. That is half of the solution.

 

I'm afraid a therapist would charge thousands and do basically nothing.. Please help.

It might be necessary.

Or did you consider resolving your issues with your parents? Telling them everything? That might help.

[mindless08]

I dont know how to though....dont know how to deal with and let go of the things in the past that have taught me this behavior, and triggers? the triggers I guess are us disagreeing, I always fear he'll leave me, no matter how small the disagreement and it causes me to blow up. And I dont know how to force myself to walk away from a fight...I know walking away would solve it but I dont know how to force myself to.

[mindless08]

I have tried so hard to do this with my mother. She doesn't listen. All she wants to do when I try and seriously talk to her about these issues is blame everyone else and dismiss the problem, then act like nothing happened....another thing I've noticed I do at times. And my father passed away about a year ago, although he and I did resolve a lot of issues and have time to become close again before he passed.

[Ginna]

I have tried so hard to do this with my mother. She doesn't listen. All she wants to do when I try and seriously talk to her about these issues is blame everyone else and dismiss the problem, then act like nothing happened....another thing I've noticed I do at times. And my father passed away about a year ago, although he and I did resolve a lot of issues and have time to become close again before he passed.

I am so sorry about your father... but it is great you resolved things with him.

I would suggest therapy for you and your mother, but I know that is impossible.

[Realitynut]

I've done exactly the same thing. You want to stop, but it's like you can't...until you've pushed the envelope so far....then you feel horrible and are sorry. I'm now going to a therapist...not that's it's helped..because the only one I lost control over was the ex-fiance...and now that I lost him, there's no one to 'lose it' over. I was trying to 'control' MY life, and controlling MY life included controlling HIS life...oh well...it's over now.

 

I've decided I was BPD...a Borderline. Usually you get better when you get older...but I felt like the ex was the first time I was IN LOVE, and wanted to hold on for dear life. I thought he should 'love me' no matter what. And I guess I was pushing him just so he would say, I will always love you. Well, eventually they don't.

 

BPD does run in families. You have great feelings of abandament. I never felt close to my parents. They had a favorite, and it certainly wasn't me. I have NEVER felt loved, really loved by anyone. I am 57, and today I am really feeling down.

 

I had been married 20 years to a guy that was verbally and physically abusive. So I could never talk back or be a b*tch, cuz of what would happen. Plus I didn't love him in those 20 years...so I just didn't CARE enough....to fight. Then when I met the ex., I said I turned into someone I couldn't stand...my ex-husband.

 

Id ask God, why am I acting this way? Please God, help me be a nicer person, and I'd just keep acting like a 'crazy' person.

 

I'm afraid I'll never find someone like I loved with Dan, and if I ever did, would I drive him away also.?

 

My counselor thinks you can calm yourself down, step away and think before something comes flying out of your mouth, but sometimes it's like a reflex. If you saw your child about ready to get hit by a car, you'd react....It's sort of that reaction in a relationship.

 

BPD's have all the emotions a "normal" person does, just wiht more intensity. I use to like to call it 'passionate'...lol.

 

They also start believing the person they are with, are having affairs all the time. I never did that...I trusted him completely...until he did have an affair...

 

There's a whole checklist you have to meet before being diagnosed. I went to a psychologist once. He told me he would refer me to another doctor, cuz he didn't want to deal with me. I told him I wanted to find out if I was BPD...cuz only a psych dr. can diagnose it. He just told me I had been 'unstable' since i was a teen (he gave some age, I don't know where He pulled that out of his hat!) and he'd refer me to another Dr. I never went back.

 

My counselor is on a sliding fee...and I only pay $10 everytime I go.

 

I just feel like I'm damaged goods, and at my age, all the ones that could maybe handle an 'emotional' woman, are still married to their 'emotional' women!! lol

 

I was going thru menopause, divorce, moving, etc., and it just brought BPD out in full force. I read it can go into remmission so to speak, but during times of stress it rears it's ugly head.

 

It definitely stem from your past...big time. I know this didn't help. For instance, I never swear. I never say the F word. But when I get REALLY upset, that word flies out of my mouth every other word. I'ts almost like I'm possessed. It's horrible. I makes you really 'unlovable', which is the thing we all want the most.

[RoxyGril]

I feel as if I am in a simialr situation. I see myself following in my moms path but I never thought I would. I know I am a good person with a big heart who cares about the people that are in my life. But the damage that was thrown on to me by my mom's destructive behavior as not help me in a few areas. I find that my bf and I will argue over the smallest things and that it is creating a wedge between us. Though I don't want to say that its all my fault cause I do know that he can be really arrgoant at times. I find that certain things that he'll say will trigger me to get fustrated and then it turns into to an argument. My communication sucks and I shut down completely. Knowing by the end of an argument I see where I have screwed up and it's to late to correct it. Though I don't understand why my bf and I will go through an argument and it takes a whole hour of garbage for me to see the truth.

 

I want to change not only to become a better person but not to follow in the same footsteps as my mom. I feel as if I try to talk to my mom she won't want to listen because in her mind it isn't right. She has always felt that she is correct and in most incidents she is not. I struggle to tell her how I feel because I know that she won't want to hear it and that I am wrong.

 

The thing I don't understand is that I know that I do these things and want to change it but always finding myself not trying to correct them. I feel lost as well!