xuclarockerx Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 Awkward situation here. I have a group of friends that I would consider relatively good/closer friends in the scheme of my life. Two of them I was in a band with, visited several times when they went off to college, even traveled Europe with. The others have been a constant presence as well. In fact since the aforementioned two haven't been around much in years, I've spent a lot of time with the others. Two of the others got engaged like half a year ago and they are getting married in October. I have no clue if I am invited to the wedding or not. (According to the bride-to-be's Facebook they are still finalizing the guest list.) I have a feeling I might not be invited because I'm not as "close" to the engaged couple as the other guys. Literally all the other guys in the group are in the wedding party - I can count at least 7 groomsmen and I'm sure there are as many bridesmaids. I'm okay with that though...I'd just like to be invited to the wedding, and hopefully the bachelor party since they were talking about a weekend cruise. To further complicate matters, I'm possibly about to move into a house with 3 of the dudes (not the groom-to-be). I just know I'm going to be super bummed out if everyone from this group is in wedding/party mode, including my own potential housemates , and I'm not a part of it. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 While you would like to show support to your friends, you yourself said you aren't as close to the engaged couple as many of the other guys are. I know it would make you feel super bummed but it is their wedding - most weddings (if the bride and groom are paying for it) have to limit how many people they can invite due to the sheer cost. Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 you might just want to send them an e-mail, congratulating them on their engagement, if you haven't already. but don't ask to be invited to the wedding. like OG said, if they don't invite you, it may not be personal. yes, they could be on a budget and venue constraint. unfortunately, most people don't have unlimited amounts of money and the reception hall and church, too, have limits on how many people can be there. and when you think of bride's friends, groom's friends, parents' friends, coworkers and all the +1s, you see that you quickly run out of space for people you want there. Link to comment
xuclarockerx Posted February 20, 2012 Author Share Posted February 20, 2012 While you would like to show support to your friends, you yourself said you aren't as close to the engaged couple as many of the other guys are. I know it would make you feel super bummed but it is their wedding - most weddings (if the bride and groom are paying for it) have to limit how many people they can invite due to the sheer cost. You're right, I'm not as close to the couple as I am with others in the group, but I still see them a lot. They've come to see my current band play and I went to a concert with the groom-to-be once. And I understand the financials of a wedding...but it looks like they have a huge wedding party (7+ groomsmen & bridesmaids EACH) so if all their best friends are in the wedding party who's left to invite? Surely the guest list will include more than just family...I'm just speculating. you might just want to send them an e-mail, congratulating them on their engagement, if you haven't already. but don't ask to be invited to the wedding. like OG said, if they don't invite you, it may not be personal. yes, they could be on a budget and venue constraint. unfortunately, most people don't have unlimited amounts of money and the reception hall and church, too, have limits on how many people can be there. and when you think of bride's friends, groom's friends, parents' friends, coworkers and all the +1s, you see that you quickly run out of space for people you want there. Oh no, I think I made a terrible mistake…I may not have congratulated them. I thought I said congratulations on Facebook or at least “liked” the engagement status but Facebook’s new layout is making it difficult for me to go back and see exactly. I really thought I did but it’s possible I may not have. That was right around when I went on a trip. It’s a little late now…maybe I can ask the groom-to-be to lunch (we work nearby each other) and mention it then. Or I can just shoot them a message like you said... Thank you both for your help. Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 so if all their best friends are in the wedding party who's left to invite? Surely the guest list will include more than just family...I'm just speculating. Well, that depends on a lot - how many other friends the bride and groom have, if they are inviting cousins and other extended family members.... and keep in mind, you have to give each person you invite a +1. If they each invite 10 co-workers, that's 20 people right there, and 40 if they give them +1s. So, the numbers can add up fast!! Link to comment
xuclarockerx Posted February 20, 2012 Author Share Posted February 20, 2012 I wouldn't be surprised if they do +1's but I'm pretty sure most (if not all) the weddings I've attended (including one as a groomsman) did not have +1's....or else they weren't extended to me for some reason (I'm single if that makes any difference)....so maybe they won't do +1's? Again, merely speculating... Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 You're right, I'm not as close to the couple as I am with others in the group, but I still see them a lot. They've come to see my current band play and I went to a concert with the groom-to-be once. And I understand the financials of a wedding...but it looks like they have a huge wedding party (7+ groomsmen & bridesmaids EACH) so if all their best friends are in the wedding party who's left to invite? Surely the guest list will include more than just family...I'm just speculating. . You would be surprised. A wedding isn't simply just for friends and family - it's for extended family (cousins, aunts, 2nd cousins) and friends of the family (which could be long friends the couple know or friends of the parents who are close to the couple). I only had close family (mother, grandparents, etc) and close friends and only had 50 people invited - when I first did our guest list it was 150 people. We did not allow +1's because we paid for the wedding ourselves and coudn't afford the extra mouth to feed. Link to comment
tinkerbellkj Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 I wouldn't be surprised if they do +1's but I'm pretty sure most (if not all) the weddings I've attended (including one as a groomsman) did not have +1's....or else they weren't extended to me for some reason (I'm single if that makes any difference)....so maybe they won't do +1's? Again, merely speculating... I had a fairly small wedding, I think about 75 people. Most of the people invited were married or had a SO, but those who did not we DID have a +1. I haven't been invited to a wedding where the invite wasn't a +1, but I know they exist. It really depends on space of the venue and more often the budget of the couple. I know for my wedding, we got married we quickly after finding out we were expecting and we cut our budget, the size of venue AND out guest list significantly. If my husband had invited every person he had a semi-close relationship with then we wouldn't have been able to even get married. But, it really depends on the couple and their constraints. I know my husband would have liked to invite more people, but it just was not possible. Link to comment
Snny Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 I'm going to speak from the bride's perspective since I recently finalized my guest list for my wedding. If you are not close to the couple or hang out with them on a personal level, then do not expect an invite. It's their expensive party they are investing in. On an average, it costs about $100+ PER person to bring to a wedding, so budget would be a major issue. This is not a social friend gathering like going out for a birthday party; it is a once-in-a-lifetime formal celebration of bringing families and important people together. The only exception to this rule is the bride and groom must consider extending their invite of the guest's significant other. Due to budget, there are some friends who are not getting an invite to my wedding. Another reason why is I either no long longer feel close to them or they have not been in contact with me lately. As for pre-wedding parties... it is proper etiquette to invite someone to your bachelorette/bachelor party AND expect them to attend your wedding. I wouldn't count on going to the guy's bachelor party if you haven't got an invitation. Congratulate them and move on. Definitely do not ask for an invitation if they do not give you one. Link to comment
xuclarockerx Posted February 20, 2012 Author Share Posted February 20, 2012 Thanks for the honest perspective, Snny. While I wouldn't consider myself super-close to them, I'd say we do hang out on a personal level. A bunch of us just went to this big stadium event for the third year in a row, tailgating and all. I was invited out for the groom-to-be's birthday. And I've seen them on other occasions lately besides these. I do understand weddings are expensive. (On a side note, I fail to see the logic in allowing guests to bring +1's they might not even know, versus inviting more people they DO know...) FYI they haven't sent out the invitations yet. I'm not even sure they've sent out the "Save The Dates". The worst and most time-pressing part about this is I need to decide ASAP if I really want to move in with a bunch of "friends" that are all going to this wedding & bachelor party cruise that I may not be invited to. I don't know if I could deal with that living under the same roof. Link to comment
Snny Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 I do understand weddings are expensive. (On a side note, I fail to see the logic in allowing guests to bring +1's they might not even know, versus inviting more people they DO know...) Since it's a romantic event, it is considered proper etiquette to extend the invite to the guest's spouse or date. It is always a given in any party you throw, it's rude to not invite the guest's spouse/fiance/partner (and it their choice to show up or not). You are at a wedding to witness and celebrate the matrimony of two people. It's a very emotional, intimate experience to share with people you feel close to. It isn't a "Free for All" with people you casually hang out with at someone's party, a bar, or a band because family will be present. Once you become engaged to someone, you will understand this. Also, family members whom the groom or bride never met are also given invites because it's a huge family ordeal. Sorry... acquaintances are not a high priority when it comes to receiving wedding invitations. The worst and most time-pressing part about this is I need to decide ASAP if I really want to move in with a bunch of "friends" that are all going to this wedding & bachelor party cruise that I may not be invited to. I don't know if I could deal with that living under the same roof. For over not being invited to a person's wedding (possibly), you're going to hold this over your friends' heads? How is it any of their faults to receive such petty treatment? No offense, but this is a very immature way of dealing with the situation that it will piss your friends off. It all boils down to this is JUST a party you didn't get invited to because the bride and groom may not consider you close. Deal with it man- that's life sometimes. And it is too early to get worked up over something silly like this when you don't know if you have been invited or not. Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 Depends on the couple. Some people only extend the +1 to friends that are married or engaged, and don't invite the bf/gf/flavor of the month. Depends on the people, the budget. It makes sense, especially if it's a destination wedding or if the guest has to travel. If they are going away for a weekend, getting a hotel, of course, they would probably rather go with their SO and make it a weekend away. And it would be polite to invite that partner to the wedding. Don't get your panties in a twist about this. They haven't even sent out invites! who knows - you might get one. but if you don't, is it really that bad?? i mean, who wants to do the electric slide and eat some rubbery chicken with mystery sauce for a couple they don't really know?? lol don't take it seriously, just live with the guys, and if you get invited, great. if not, you'll save a bunch of money and you'll have other opportunities to hang out with them. Link to comment
Snny Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 ^^ Annie, I missed that detail. A cruise... destination weddings are a HUGE money pot. I was invited to a Sandals resort for a wedding, but the bride and groom expected people to pay their way because it was too expensive. If he doesn't get invited and they are paying for it, that is definitely why and the OP shouldn't hold it against his friends. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 We did not allow our guests +1 ones unless they were in a committed relationship because otherwise, we just couldn't afford it. As Annie and Snny have said, react with this in a mature way. If you don't get an invite take a vacation on the week of their wedding. Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 ^^ Annie, I missed that detail. A cruise... destination weddings are a HUGE money pot. I was invited to a Sandals resort for a wedding, but the bride and groom expected people to pay their way because it was too expensive. If he doesn't get invited and they are paying for it, that is definitely why. Oh, i was just pointing about destination weddings, didn't see that the couple was having one. Of course, if they are paying, that is pricey. But if they expect you to pay for your own flight and hotel room, it is nice if they offer the +1 (because you'd be flying all that way and bringing someone along!!) Link to comment
Snny Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 Scratch what I posted. The OP mentioned that it is a bachelor party going on the cruise, not the actual wedding party. Sorry- was getting confused. Link to comment
xuclarockerx Posted February 21, 2012 Author Share Posted February 21, 2012 Sorry... acquaintances are not a high priority when it comes to receiving wedding invitations. I wouldn't say I'm merely an "acquaintance" of them...I believe there is a middle ground between "acquaintances" and "close friends". And yeah, maybe there's only room for "close friends" at weddings and I might not make the cut. For over not being invited to a person's wedding (possibly), you're going to hold this over your friends' heads? How is it any of their faults to receive such petty treatment? No offense, but this is a very immature way of dealing with the situation that it will piss your friends off. It all boils down to this is JUST a party you didn't get invited to because the bride and groom may not consider you close. Deal with it man- that's life sometimes. Ouch...but I can't really disagree. I wouldn't say I'm "holding this over my friends' heads" - I just need to decide ASAP if I'm strong enough to deal with the possibility that I may be the odd housemate out, or if I should ask them to start looking for a 3-bedroom instead of a 4-bedroom. This is a whole other issue, but I'm not very strong emotionally. I hate being/feeling "left out". I like to feel like I belong. I thought I "belonged" in this group. That's why this is such a big deal for me. And it is too early to get worked up over something silly like this when you don't know if you have been invited or not. True to an extent, but again right now I'm in the process of looking for a house with the Best Man and 2 other groomsmen and I need to decide if I am strong enough to live with them knowing I'm potentially going to feel very "left out" of this whole thing. I casually messaged the Best Man about the bachelor party and I'm going to ask the groom-to-be if he wants to grab lunch tomorrow since we both work nearby (NO, I'm not going to ask to be invited). i mean, who wants to do the electric slide and eat some rubbery chicken with mystery sauce for a couple they don't really know?? lol Well, that's not true to say I don't really know the couple. And I always enjoy the opportunity for a good time. don't take it seriously, just live with the guys, and if you get invited, great. if not, you'll save a bunch of money and you'll have other opportunities to hang out with them. eh, money's not really an issue. the bachelor party's going to be a quick weekend cruise, not a weeklong jaunt. i also overheard the Best Man saying his own brother might come...and i'm willing to bet the brother's not going to the wedding. And yes, to clarify for everyone - the wedding is local, the bachelor party is a weekend cruise. I think everyone's paying their way for the cruise but I could be wrong. Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 I just don't think you should make a big deal about it. I really don't know what the couple will decide, but if you do live with them, and you don't get an invite, you should just suck it up and be mature. I know it's super disappointing when someone decides you don't make the cut for a fun party (it sounds like you just really really want to go to this bachelor party!!) there's always a possibility that you would get invited to the bachelor party and not the wedding too. these things happen. Like the others said - if you aren't invited, go on vacation by yourself, or find something else to do those days. Link to comment
xuclarockerx Posted February 21, 2012 Author Share Posted February 21, 2012 You're right...I shouldn't make a big deal about it. But like I've said elsewhere, if there's one thing I hate it's feeling left out. I need to decide if I'm strong enough to suck it up and accept that I'm possibly not as much a part of this group as I thought I was. And it's not just the bachelor party. (Admittedly some of these guys did a high school graduation cruise several years back which I can understand not being invited to because I was already in at college. Still, I was kind of envious of that so to miss another cruise opportunity...you know where I'm going with this.) But yes, the wedding itself is something I would hope to attend as well. Obviously I may not. And while I'm sure I could keep myself busy during those events (there's actually another wedding the same day, but I'd choose this one over that one) it's the pre- and post-event chatter and buzz that would be more difficult to avoid. Sorry I know I'm totally neurotic. *FYI I would be living with the Best Man and 2 groomsmen, not the couple if that's what you were implying. Link to comment
Snny Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 I wouldn't say I'm "holding this over my friends' heads" - I just need to decide ASAP if I'm strong enough to deal with the possibility that I may be the odd housemate out, or if I should ask them to start looking for a 3-bedroom instead of a 4-bedroom. This is a whole other issue, but I'm not very strong emotionally. I hate being/feeling "left out". I like to feel like I belong. I thought I "belonged" in this group. That's why this is such a big deal for me. Sometimes, no matter how much you hung out with a person or where you went with them, it does not always mean they consider you are their close friend. Life doesn't always work that way. If your friends find out the reason why you bailed moving in with them, then they will see you acting childish and pathetic. Being the bigger person means facing reality with detached emotions even though it it sucks. What is a little troublesome is that based on what was written here, you seem to be more concerned about your friends going to the wedding than wanting to be there for the groom and bride on their special day. The focus is solely on them for the whole day... not the guests who will be there. I casually messaged the Best Man about the bachelor party and I'm going to ask the groom-to-be if he wants to grab lunch tomorrow since we both work nearby (NO, I'm not going to ask to be invited). Don't mention anything about his bachelor party. You will come accross being pushy and it places guilt on the groom. Plus it causes him to feel awkward around you. It makes you look like you are trying to invite yourself into HIS party no matter how you put it. Admittedly some of these guys did a high school graduation cruise several years back which I can understand not being invited to because I was already in at college. Still, I was kind of envious of that so to miss another cruise opportunity...you know where I'm going with this. So why not organize a trip with the guys instead? Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 I agree with organizing a guys' trip yourself if you want to spend some time having fun with these guys. Link to comment
xuclarockerx Posted February 22, 2012 Author Share Posted February 22, 2012 Having lunch with the groom-to-be in about 35 minutes. Don't worry, I'm not going to ask/say anything stupid. Thanks for the replies, I'll respond to them soon. Link to comment
xuclarockerx Posted February 22, 2012 Author Share Posted February 22, 2012 Had lunch with the groom-to-be. He said to expect a Save-The-Date. Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 yay!!!!!!!!!!!!! problem solved!!! now you just have to find something to wear and get a present for them! Link to comment
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