I don't understand what happened

[lauz1403]

My boyfriend of 8 months ended things suddenly 2 weeks ago with no explanation and I'm having a tough time trying to get my head around what happened.

 

He's a family friend I've known my whole life. We got together summer last year and things were perfect between us. He told me I was the one he'd spent his whole life waiting for and he was desperate to settle down and have a family with me. If he'd had his way we would have started trying for a baby after the first couple of months, but I said we should wait and he suggested trying for a baby next summer after I get back from a cruise with my family, fine by me. He got really close to my 3year old daughter, so close that she calls him daddy which he was delighted with and encouraged it. Our relationship was great, we never argued, if there was any issues we sat and talked about rather than fight over anything. Everything seemed perfect.

 

A month ago I brought up the subject of trying for a baby in summer (his idea remember) and he seemed reluctant to talk about it, saying we had plenty of time to talk about it and he didn't see any rush. I asked him why the change of heart and he then turned aroung and announced he thought we should take some time apart. I tried to get him to talk to me, tell me what was going through his head, etc, but he really didn't want to talk about things so I left him to it and said goodnight. I didn't contact him next day, I waited for him to get in touch. He texted me apologising for what happened the night before, telling me he loved me so much. I asked him what he wanted and he said me without a doubt. He then got upset and said he couldn't believe he nearly lost the best thing in his life. He came up the following day and I tried to get him to explain why he had wanted a break. He said he didn't know what happened, it was stupid. He said he was feeling a bit of pressure because I had been talking about trying for a baby. I explained to him there was no rush for a baby, I'd only been talking about it because I thought that was what he wanted. Anyway, he apologised for the whole incident and promised it would never happen again.

 

Things went back to being relatively normal (it was still playing on my mind that he nearly left and my trust was damaged slightly, but I explained that I might not be back to 100% for a while and he was really understanding of this). A week later he started acting distant with me, a didn't make a big deal out of it at first, partly because I was concerned I was being paranoid after what had happened the week before. After a few days though I ended up asking him directly what was wrong as he was being distant. He didn't reply straight away, later on I got a text saying "I still feel the same as last week, I'm sorry". I replied asking if he wanted to end things or try and fix things - no reply. I asked if he wanted time apart to get his head together - no reply. I didn't try and contact him the rest of the day. Next day I texted and asked if we were going to talk about it and I got a reply saying he was sorry and didn't think things were going to work and could I pack up his stuff for him. I haven't heard from him since.

 

I just don't understand why he would come back the first time saying all those things about wanting to spend the rest of his life with me and how he couldn't believe he nearly lost me, just to turn around a week later and cut me out his life completely. It wasn't as though I guilt tripped him into coming back the first time, I let him make the decision himself without any pressure from me. I'm so confused.

 

If anyone could give me their view on the situation I'd be grateful, my head's all over the place.

[Celadon]

So sorry you're going through this. My take on it is that he wanted a relationship/marriage/baby so much that he rushed into a relationship with you. In other words, he was kind of desperate going into the relationship. But just like some people are in love with being in love (rather than the person they "fall in love" with), I think he may have jumped into the relationship with you because he wanted to be in a relationship. Once in it, he realized how complicated things can be when you're not with someone who is right for you.

 

His almost-break-up, followed by deep remorse, followed by the break up, showed that he probably does care about you and that there's nothing "wrong" with you, only that you two aren't compatible. His "remorse" period showed that he can see that you are a great person, and will make someone really happy, and he wanted it to "be right." But after further reflection, he realized it wouldn't work out.

 

There does seem to be a seven or eight month hump in relationships, and if they can survive that, then there's a chance they may work out in the long run. If not, people may consider themselves lucky not to have spent more time with someone who isn't right for them. Hang in there, and be kind to yourself.

[thejigsup]

I can't say for sure, but generally when people (male and female) start acting distant for no good reason and change their mind suddenly about major plans you have made togetherm they have met someone else and are trying that out for size. He may be feeling to guilty to talk about it, that is why the silence. Let it go. If he loves you, he may be back. If he loves her, all you can do is say Goodbye. In the future, NEVER let your child call any of your boyfriends Daddy. Your little girl is going to be hurting even worse than you are so be there for her. My niece did this with all of her bf's and now her girls do not trust any man. Children should never meet the men in your life for a long, long, time. When they start talking marriage and they have been with you at least a year, THEN introduce them to your child. Otherwise, the damage done to kids is even greater than that done to you.

[lauz1403]

I understand what you are saying about not letting my daughter get close to anyone I'm seeing until late on, to let you understand though my boyfriend is a family friend who has known my daughter her whole life, that's the only reason they got close early on, it seemed stupid to stop him from seeing her just because we became an item.

[annie24]

I don't know if he met another woman, reconnected with an ex, or what. It's possible he just realized he isn't ready to have a baby (he might have said it in the first few months when he was in a crazy honeymoon period). Now that you brought up the subject again, he may not know how to say he's not ready. Oh well. I don't know what to tell you. He hasn't been upfront with whatever is bothering him about the relationship - I'm sorry he can't just spit it out and tell you why he has doubts. Obviously, he has some doubts and he's decided to bail instead of working things out. I don't think it's something you necessarily did wrong. just... i don't know. I'm sorry about this. I would move on with your life the best you can. I don't think you'll necessarily ever know what went wrong in his head.

[SparklyBoots]

As a friend of the family, I'm assuming you know his past dating history? Has he had mainly short or long relationships before? Has he said why they ended? How old is he, and how mature would you reckon he acts in general? Just asking as sometimes folk follow a pattern and it may give insight into how he is currently acting...

[lauz1403]

He's 26, he had a 6 year long relationship, they lived together and it ended when he caught her in bed with someone else. He then had a 6 month relationship which ended because they fought constantly. He's always acted mature, always said how it was important to him that we talked to each other about any problems and tried to fix them together. Thats why I can't understand how he's just up and left without giving me an explanation...and I honestly don't think he's met someone else as it would have got back to me and he's not the type to cheat