curious98 Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 I have been dating my boyfriend for little over 7months. Our relationship was going well until last week, and I am not sure what just happened. I am turning 30 in a few months and he will be 32. Just after a couple of months we were dating, he wanted to bring me to his parents's place. He said he never showed anyone to his parents. I was flattered but i felt it was too early. He always told me how lucky he was to find me, and how great I was. He is an only son and his parents really wants him to settle down soon. He kept asking when i will see his parents so i eventually went to his parent's place and spent 3 days there. They were very kind and made me feel very welcomed. He met my parents and my family a few times already. He was never shy about his intention. When I was planning to go to Hawaii recently, he told me i should save up so we can go to nicer honeymoon. He has not proposed but insinuated his intention of having a future together. He has a lot of married friends and not really a crazy partying type. I am finishing my residency this summer but he has one more year left. We talked about our future plan from time to time. A few weeks ago, we talked about it and decided I will stay here at least a year until he is done with residency and then maybe move to NJ, where I am from. He said he will follow me because of my career is more region specific and he can find job anywhere. I have to admit that I have been stressed out lately because having to find a job etc. I have a professional job and I do not foresee not getting employees. But it is still stressful to move on to the unknown. I called him one day and asked straight forward, if he was planning to propose to me soon. Told him that I would have to think about living arrangement etc. after I finish my residency in 6months. He said he would propose to me before I finish residency, which means in 6months. Then, he asked me what I would do if he says he is not sure I'd he wants to marry me. I just said I would not be happy. The conversation ended in a weird note. I was a little mad at him for being obscure. I felt he has been leading me on but wasn't as serious about our relationship. I went ski trip with him and his friends that weekend but we didn't bring up our conversation. I felt he wasn't as nice or sweet as the usually but didn't think much of it. After that, I have been busy and I was out of town until next Monday. We talked and texted as usual. He made some negative comments that week and I wasn't so happy. I texted him if we were doing anything on V's day and he doesn't celebrate V day. I was pretty cool about it until he made some obnoxious comments later. I called him and said we need to talk later this week. we never had any fights before this. We had our talk last Thursday. He came over and said he doesn't think we are competabe and I never wanted to move to NJ and our goals are so different and said he wants to break up. He also said he had been stressed out because his parents have been pressuring to marry me. I was utterly shocked that he went 180 just after a few days. I did not object and said if he has already made up his mind, I have nothing to say. We didn't have nasty argument partly because I was so shocked that I didn't know what to say. he asked "why did you give me an ultimatum?" I never felt like it was ultimatum. I just wanted to see where we were. But I was upset that he could throw away our relationship that easily and I did not really understand why he should feel pressured if he saw me as his future life partner. Was I too selfish for asking when he will be ready to propose to me? Should I still try to talk to him to see if there was a misunderstanding? It is not my personality to cry over and make a scene. But I am very confused. Link to comment
curious98 Posted February 20, 2012 Author Share Posted February 20, 2012 Some people can say we only dated a few months and it is too soon to talk about marriage. For my cultural background, it is not too early to be married by now. And many of our friends got married less than a year. my older brother says a mature guy in his 30s knows within 6months if she is the one or not.he said If he said I am not the one just move on. I felt that was the best thing to do at this point. But now I am thinking maybe I gave him the wrong vibe that I wasn't committed and willing to leave him if he didn't give me the answer right away. I didn't intend to pressure him but maybe I cornered him and he freaked out. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 Total commitment phobe!!!!!!!! This guy is a total future faker!! When someone is proclaiming their love and suggesting plans for marriage so early - before they know you - RUN!!!! My ex pulled this crap on me, and when I asked him to follow up his words with action, he bailed!!!! This guy is a total waste of time! Be glad it ended before, he wasted anymore of your precious time! Link to comment
Anna. Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 I think it's worth it to explain to him that you genuinely did NOT mean to give him an ultimatum. Maybe he's still being a little bit of a commitment phobe, but good grief, it would be ridiculous to lose a great guy over a misunderstanding. Link to comment
DN Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 It did seem a little reading your post that you wanted everything on your terms. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 Firstly, I don't think meeting the folks after a couple of months of dating is bad. In fact, if you hadn't met his folks, I would say that was strange. I think that I would not have worried about your living situation in 6 months. You could have always gotten a room mate or something. I do think that if you have been together 7 months, asking a guy when he is going to propose is a little too soon. It is one thing to talk about marrying someday or saving up, and its another to say "okay, when?" I also think that if he told you he might not be sure about marrying you now, then that's fair. It is okay for a guy to think that he wants to marry a woman, but its just a little too soon in the relationship. If this guy was with you 7 years, he is a definite commitmentphobe. But if its only 7 months, I don't think he can be yet. Sure, some commitmentphobes come on strong in the beginning only to run when the heat is turned up, but commitmentphobes don't typically take you to their home, meet the parents right away so much. They can be a bit more evasive. So the jury is really out - i think he got scared more than he is a commitmentphobe at this point - and maybe realized with your sour comments about being bummed if he wouldn't want to marry yet hit him with some reality. I just think that you guys don't know eachother all that well yet to be even want to ask him when he'll propose, etc. Maybe it is a big favor that you are not going forward with him...but i can relate to the feeling of thinking things are just around the corner and there are not. I do think that if his parents are pressuring him that he is maybe listening to them too much instead of going on his own time and I think that is a little bit of a red flag unless he starts standing up to them. Link to comment
Realitynut Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 It did seem a little reading your post that you wanted everything on your terms. Where in the heck did you think she wanted everything on her terms? She just asked him when he was planning on proposing, because in 6 months after residency she had to make PLANS! I mean, if you are getting MARRIED, you need to know those things, especially if you are moving. He said, he would propose BEFORE she ended her residency, but then he said, " but what if I said I wasn't sure"! Ok...now THAT is the problem. You've been talking marriage, everything is going down that path, then WHAM...I'm not sure? So where is wanting everything on her terms!! The problem here is...I'm so in love...I'm so infatuated....then after 6 -7 months the honeymoon period is over and reality sets in. The woman starts making PLANS, and the guy gets cold feet. It had NOTHING to do about everything on her terms! Just a guy falling in love fast, then falling out of love just as fast! Link to comment
DN Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 You, realitynut, may have a different take than mine but there is no need to be so aggressive in disagreeing. Take it down a notch or two, you are coming very close to being disrespectful. Link to comment
superfox Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 His folks are pressurising him to marry you, then you asked him when he'd be ready. I don't think he's a committment phobe but maybe just felt too overwhelmed with having to grow up fast and decide there and then? Some guys pull the rug once they have 'won' the girl over but i don't see this here and I (guessing) think that a lot of you follow up convos were via text which is the WORST possible way of communicating on issues like this. You read too much or not enough into texts. You need to explain, calmly, that this was not an ultimatum (although, imo, it was a bit of a push too far). Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 I called him one day and asked straight forward, if he was planning to propose to me soon. I think that this is a fair question after 7 years together, but not 7 months. Personally, I'm not a fan of the high-pressure sales technique. If someone offers me a "great deal" on something - a gym membership, lessons, whatever, but says I have to make my decision on the spot, and the offer won't be there tomorrow, my inclination is to walk away and not look back. I don't like high pressure stuff like that. That's what you just did to him. If you were planning on staying longer for him, you could get a 1 bedroom apartment by yourself, or get an apartment and share with a roommate. it doesn't have to be with him. And when someone puts pressure on me to do something, and I'm not 100% sure, I walk away. Which is what he did. Marriage is the ultimate big ticket item!! It's not like trying to decide on the spot whether or not to get a gym membership. I think it would be worth it to call him and tell him that you really love him and want to wait until he is ready. I think too much, too soon can really backfire. I do think that he was on the path to marriage with you, given the comments he was making. But trying to shove him "to the finish line" probably wasn't the right move. I disagree that this man is a committment phobe. Now, if you want to get married ASAP and you are unwilling to wait another year or two for this guy, then walking away was the right thing for you. Link to comment
Realitynut Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 Sorry, DN, it was just a subject that hit close to my heart. Link to comment
curious98 Posted February 20, 2012 Author Share Posted February 20, 2012 May be it looks like it all ended in my terms but he said it was what he wanted. He said he doesn't want to go back to his hometown because it is too small. He said there is a good hospital in NJ where he would like to work. So I felt everything was falling into the right place. In retrospect, the idea of getting engaged in 6 months could have freaked him out. And the fact that he is making his plans based on my plan. He did say that he feels I was trying to control him because I am stressed out about the unknown (job etc.) I know I am a little type A and driven. I would like to have a plan for everything and follow through. And it usually gave me the expected good results in many different ways. Maybe he has been agreeing with my plans because he did not want to lose me. But he just reassessed the situation and felt his preference was not reflected on the decision making. I can see that he has been pretty independent and not the type to follow someone around. May be he has been so infatuated up until now and just did whatever that made me happy. Then, maybe it just came to his mind, "what the heck am I doing? This is not me. Link to comment
curious98 Posted February 20, 2012 Author Share Posted February 20, 2012 Thanks everyone for sharing your advices, they are really helpful. I could be wrong but i would like to believe he was so overwhelmed and decided to walk away. I was upset initially that he would walk away just like that. But now I am leaning towards calling him later. I want to talk about how I feel and ask if he is just overwhelmed or somehow lost all his feeling for me. It he say the latter, then, I'll have to end it and move on. So the question is, when should I try to talk to him? Should I give him and myself more time to think about? Or would this make him become more distant instead of miss me? I dont want him to feel " hm life isn't so bad without her after all" or "she never loved me. She didn't even stop me when I walked away." I don't get men... Please help! Link to comment
Tanzi Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 I know that you said its not unusual with your cultural background to be married by now but 7 months is still only 7 months and he may not have been ready to take such a giant leap into the future. I don't think that automatically makes him a commitment-phobe. However the pressure from his parents may have made him start to question why he didn't feel ready and whether it was what he really wanted ..... and then you went and asked him THAT question. Usually couples who feel that marriage may be an option in the future would have spoken about it at some point or other, or at least touched on the subject, and they would know where they stand as regards the relationship but to ask him outright when he was going to propose, well, talk about take the romance right out of a proposal! With his parents on his case and you seemingly expecting a proposal within the next few months (because that is the way he would have felt) its not hard to see why he may have done a 180, especially if he was beginning to have doubts anyway. He was obviously just not ready and felt that no-one was listening to him or cared about what he wanted. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 Well, by saying that be doesn't think your compatible and that you don't have the same goals, it does sound as if he has given this some thought. I don't know what your contact has been like since .... did you make a point of telling him it wasn't an ultimatum and, are you, should it be necessary, willing to make certain compromises (ie. where you live) if it would help in you getting back together? Link to comment
Silverbirch Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 Curious, just my opinion, and I'm sure lots of people who find fault with this, but I think a lot of men are very sensitive and feel threatened about the way that discussion with regard to commitment, especially marriage takes place. He already feels pressured by his family about marriage, and I wouldn't know, but I suspect he might come from a family who do boss him about a lot. In that case, he might be extra sensitive in his other relationships, especially with a prospective long-term partner that he wants to be sure that he won't be dominated by a partner. Please don't take my comments personally or as a criiticsm of you. I just think that's how a lot of men are. Just as an aside, you might want to consider whether or not you might be marrying into a family as is often the case. My exes mother used to live next door to him and was always sticking her nose in things. Link to comment
curious98 Posted February 21, 2012 Author Share Posted February 21, 2012 I am not sure if his parents bosses him around. He is their only sontans they want to see him settle down soon, have babies and be happy. He is stubborn in a way and tells me they love him too much not to give in whatever he wants. But he also loves them and tries to listen to what they have to say. Previous, He went ahead and dated other girls even if his parents didn't like them. he only goes to see his parents maybe once or twice a year and they rarely come to see him. I didn't get the feeling that they were over protective. But I can see that he liked the fact his parents loved me. He joked around now I have to compete with me for his parent's affection. But I don't think he liked me just because that. He said I love him because of my independence, certain intelligence, looks etc. Well, words can be just words. Link to comment
curious98 Posted February 21, 2012 Author Share Posted February 21, 2012 Well, by saying that be doesn't think your compatible and that you don't have the same goals, it does sound as if he has given this some thought. I don't know what your contact has been like since .... did you make a point of telling him it wasn't an ultimatum and, are you, should it be necessary, willing to make certain compromises (ie. where you live) if it would help in you getting back together? I am willing to compromise to some extent. I think I told him it wasn't an ultimatum but I was so bummed I didnt really say much. I had no contact since then. I was gathering my thoughths and trying to figure out what was going through his mind. I didnt want to say the wrong thing and regret later. But now, I feel like if it will be the end anyway, I should have another talk with him to make sure it is really over. Should I leave him alone? Link to comment
DN Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 Bear in mind that many men are not scared of marriage - they are scared of divorce. Given the divorce statistics, it is not an unreasonable worry. Link to comment
Silverbirch Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 Bear in mind that many men are not scared of marriage - they are scared of divorce. Given the divorce statistics, it is not an unreasonable worry. VERY good point DN, and I have the same fear myself. Link to comment
curious98 Posted February 21, 2012 Author Share Posted February 21, 2012 I'll probably make more money than he does and he knows that. So He is at least not worried about giving me his half I have heard from so many people the pain of divorce. But I don't think he got cold feet because he was worried about divorce. I feel like he is more worried about marriage. And his parents have been married 30+ years and seems very happy together. Hmmmmm.. Link to comment
DN Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 Sacred of divorce is not always about money. What would be his worries, do you know or can make an educated guess? Link to comment
Silverbirch Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 I'll probably make more money than he does and he knows that. So He is at least not worried about giving me his half I have heard from so many people the pain of divorce. But I don't think he got cold feet because he was worried about divorce. I feel like he is more worried about marriage. And his parents have been married 30+ years and seems very happy together. Hmmmmm.. He may not necessarily want the type of marriage or life his parents have. My impression is that some men are scared of being trapped into a lifestyle they don't really want. Also, something I have been told is that some men are scared that the woman will change dramatically after marriage and become someone they don't want to be with. About the money, I work with a man (if it is relevant, he is Sri Lankan). His wife earns a lot more money than he does, and he often comes to work in quite a state. I'm told he is a different person at work to what he is at home and in the company of his wife. Because she is a successful accountant, earns a lot more and has a good business brain, she basically makes all the financial decisions or he comes around to seeing things her way. He clearly, from what he says feels very emasculated by her success, business sense and money. Link to comment
curious98 Posted February 21, 2012 Author Share Posted February 21, 2012 I heard about that a lot. Well. We are both Asian so I get the story about your coworker. I never thought he would be threatened by my success. I am just a scared newbie at this point in terms of my career. I don't expect I will be millionaire or anything and he is in respected profession and he tells me he enjoys his job and find it rewarding. he can also do a lot better than me financially if he chooses different career path. But he wants to be in academics and that's what he likes. I am not a gold digger and I don't want to nag him to go out there and bring in some $$$$. I just want him to have a profession that he finds rewarding. He was pretty open about his past relationship. It seemed he never considered anyone marriage material until he met me. Soon after we started dating, He brought me into his close circle. We were together wherever he went. I pretty much met all his coworkers, friends etc. He always told me where he will be and asked if I wanted to join. I never had to nag once where he is going. His friends close friends all knew me even before they met me because they heard so much about me. And that was less than 2 weeks ago. My dad was out of the country for a few months. My BF asked me a few times (recently 3wks ago) when my dad was coming so our parents can meet. So now I am so bummed out. I probably should not have said anything a few days ago about when he will propose. I sometimes do so out of touch dumb things.. Maybe he thought I was aggressive and needy when I asked that and made him feel he could do better? Also, the prospective of losing his freedom and bachelor life scared him? I pretty much let him do whatever up until now ( he also didn't do anything that made me suspicious). So maybe he thought I was becoming controlling when I asked about marriage and got threatened. Link to comment
Silverbirch Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 I think you should just stay cool for now and wait and see what happens. It sort of doesn't really add up to me - I think he did and probably still does like you a lot. Link to comment
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