FWB wanting more...

[Cynder]

For the passed few weeks I've been having regular sex with someone from my past. He got out of a relationship a month before we started hooking up. And my situation is even more complicated yet. Long story short I had my heart broken recently too.

 

For the more detailed backstory, go here... it explains things a little better.

 

 

Anyway... he told me last night that he wants more then just this. I was honest with him from the beginning. I told him I am not looking for anything serious or any strings... I just want to get laid. He was fine with that at first.

 

We talked last night about this at length. I told him I've had my heart broken a lot and I don't know if I can handle it again. Of course he promised that he would never break my heart... But they all say that.

 

He told me he has had feelings for me all these years... he said I was his "one that got away." He told me he has had his heart broken a lot over the years too, but he thinks it's because all this time he was with the wrong women (implying by this that I am the right woman.)

 

I can't seem to have just an uncomplicated good time with anyone... they all either fall madly in love or turn psycho... (or both.)

 

As for how I feel... He is someone I could see myself in a relationship with. I do like him. But the timing couldn't be worse... I told myself after this last one that I was going to be single for a while. Then of course, here comes someone who's really into me and really wants to start something... And the fact that he just got out of a relationship makes me wonder if I am just his rebound.

 

I am not sure where to go from here...

[Moontiger]

Hi cynder,

 

I think the healthiest thing for both of you is to NOT get into a relationship at this point. Its too soon for both of you after your breakups. When talking to him you can tell him, "I like you and IF we did end up in a relationship I want to make sure its good for both of us. I think we both need more time to completely heal from our pasts."

[SuperDuper]

Why not tell him what you told us?

 

You're probably unsure because it sort of seems like you don't truly know what you want yourself. Sure you can say "I'll be single after this"... or "we'll only do this and that"... but life is unpredictable and incredibly dynamic. Planning things -- especially things with emotions involved usually is usually only partly successful.

 

My suggestion would be to tell him that you just want to get laid and appreciate the intimacy with a decent guy, but you honestly don't want a relationship. If he bails.. there's your answer. If he sticks around, then you get what you want?

 

If he continues to press you to the point you feel pressured/suffocated into making a decision, I'd say cut him loose for both your sake and find another FWB.

 

But to be perfectly honest, the next FWB encounter could very likely end up in the same boat. Perhaps it's time to re-evaluate the steps you're taking that bring you to this position in the first place.

 

Good luck

[annie24]

I think you should tell him exactly like you told us. It's honest, to the point.

 

As for how I feel... He is someone I could see myself in a relationship with. I do like him. But the timing couldn't be worse... I told myself after this last one that I was going to be single for a while. Then of course, here comes someone who's really into me and really wants to start something... And the fact that he just got out of a relationship makes me wonder if I am just his rebound.

 

It does sound to me like you need some time to regroup. Is your divorce even final yet? Is it even in the works? I would also consider taking a break from FWB. Because it's already become more than that to this guy. You can tell him that you two can maybe revisit the topic in say, 6 months, or whatever feels right to you, and if the feelings and attraction are still there, go for it.

 

Hang in there.

[lavenderdove]

Cynder you have lived a polyamorous lifestyle for a while and do you want to continue that in future? If so, be honest with this guy... that might cool his jets a bit if he really is thinking hearts and flowers and monogamous relationship... He needs to understand that perhaps you want different things from life if he wants a permanent long term monogamous relationship.

 

Polyamorous relationships work for some and can be interesting and exciting, but there can be a downside to that in that they are usually quite complicated and everyone i know who leads one has a lot of upheaval and drama in their lives. Perhaps you are a bit tired from the revolving door of men that have been in your life recently. And sometimes one guy can be enough if he's the right guy, so you just need to really think about what you want for yourself and your life and take it from there...

 

Maybe you do need a break from men for awhile rather than continuing to cycle so many men in and out of your life with all the drama that entails. Do you want stability? Then perhaps that is what you should seek for a while and be this guy's friend only until you know what you really want (and put the sex with him on hold if he is getting too attached and it might break his heart). Many people can't separate sex and emotions like polyamorous/swingers can, so perhaps he is having these stronger feelings because of the sex and you need to back off from that.

[pl3asehelp]

Really - is some sex really worth all this drama?

[Cynder]

Thanks to everyone who replied here... sorry I haven't commented. I haven't been online much since this thread was posted. Moving and getting ready to go to Europe plus working 60+ hours a week limits my online time.

 

I do appreciate the advice though.