How to be a friend when you do still fancy someone

[ITGirl73]

Trying to get to keep being a friend with a guy that I have feelings with for a while now - I know he is not interested in me - I know I need to move on but it is so hard since I feel so strong for him.

He is now on his second girlfriend since he made a move on me and I did not pick him up on it since I panicked and he moved on - he was dumped by gf one and then moved onto another girl that plays sports with him and I heard him on the phone with her Valentines night (not eavesdropping I promise but the conversation got a bit heated so his voice was raised so I had no choice but to hear them) he wanted to collect her and cook for her but she was obviously resisting since he was saying ah come on I will collect you bring you to my house and cook for you and it took a good 5 minutes before he got off the phone from her - since the he has been in foul mood so I assume that she felt let down that he cooked for her and did not take her wining and dining.

We still go for lunch together and he started to tell me after this event how hard relationships were and how bad he is at them and that he did not want to be like another guy friend that we know that never got over a girl that dumped him but then after being so close like that he came in the following morning and was distant with me.

We always send messages to each other joking and he ignored 4 messages that I sent him that day – then other staff started commenting about the bad form that he was in – I sent him one more message and he replied to that one and then he was leaving he walked over to me and said goodbye.

I don’t want to be hassling him – I miss him when we don’t talk, we still have lunch together so he must like me in some respect but I don’t know how to be his friend when he is having girlfriend trouble – he is a bit odd, I know I should be level headed and say hang on a second this is the second girlfriend that has dumped him so there must be some sort of issue there but we get on great, we have the same sort of sense of humour so I do wonder is how that we are so alike and that by not being together we are destined to have failed relationships.

 

I get insecure about another girl that we are both friendly with –I often worry that he fancies her but my friends tell me that I am mad to think so – I mean he asks me to lunch but not her but then when we are together there is a look between them that make me wonder – she made a move on him and he rejected her so she went onto the internet 3 years ago & is dating a guy since - but he said to me the other night that this girls relationship will never go anywhere – does this mean that he cares ? They have never face booked each other but she keeps trying to befriend his friends to get closer to him etc but then he told me a few weeks ago that he thought that this girl was a bit unhinged (she is a bit she is very clingy) and she starts hobbies that he is into so that she can get in with his friends.

 

So how do I be his friend – do I cease contact until he feels okay (for all I know he might have made it up with the gf over this weekend) do I not initiate contact until he contacts me (bear in mind we work together and sit next to each other).

 

Basically I need answers to:

 

1. How do you remain friends with someone you fancy and deeply hope you will end up with but not lose altogether?

2. How can I best support him?

3. Does he fancy this other girl?

4. I go out and try to meet other guys but they are just not him how do you move on?

[john4354]

Hi, I was in the same position as you, its horrible. I was really close friends with this girl, she was my best friend, we chattered and went every where to gether. I really liked her, but she didn't feel the same. You always kind of hope they will change, but if they aren't into you, there is nothing you can do about it.You need to separate yourself from this person, you will get really hurt, you do need to go and meet other guy's, find someone who truly cares for you. I think it is very hard to stay friends with someone when you have feelings for them. Like the old saying... If you love some one and they don't love you set them free... So true. Move on don't put yourself through this, Go out and enjoy life. Good Luck

[Ginna]

You need to decide which case of these two applies to you:

 

A) You deeply value him as a person. If he was gay, you would still want to be friends. If he was a girl, you would still care for her. If he was a 60 year old man, you would still want to see him often. You are willing to suppress your feelings forever.

 

B) Whatever happens, you will still hope to date him. His physical appearance is just as important (or more important) as his personality. As soon as it is possible, you will make the move on him.

 

If you fall into the A category, he is lucky to have you as a friend. If B applies, both you AND him are going to get hurt - stop seeing him.