Boyfriend has ignored me for 5 days!! HELP Desperate

[catgirl69]

Please read, i know it's long, but it's complicated, and need an honest answer before i go completely loopy! lol

 

Hi, my boyfriend has ignored my texts for the last 5 days...only sent 2, but i got a hint he wanted space so I've left him alone.

I'm 33 he's 38, i have a little girl, and he has two girls.

 

Bit of a complicated situation, we met 10 months ago on a dating website, he was just looking for sex, I wasn't....our date went on for 15hours!! We clicked immediately. It was pretty much love at first sight... he wasn't expecting to feel this way. Anway, first 4 months were spectacular, I've never been treated with so much love and respect...it almost scared me! lol

He was still married but getting a divorce, and after 4 months of seeing him he found out a few things about his ex, and she was constantly asking for money and harrassing him... He withdrew into himself, withdrew from me...so of course i got needy and clingy! He almost ended it twice, but on seeing me he couldn't do it, so i suggested we take a break from each other. We stayed apart for 5 weeks, still in contact but not too much. (sometimes he had his really black days and he would not get in touch for a day or two). When we'd arranged to meet up again, he had the intention of ending it again, but once again, couldn't.

 

i asked him if he still loved me, he said he didn't know, and he won't say it until he's sure! bit of limbo for me too right now!

 

He had started to sort out buying a house etc. So money was an issue, (he is self employed too) and said he couldn't see me as often, he lives an hour away, and has a gas guzzling van. i said i could do every other weekend (he has his kids every other) but as long as he shows me he cares while we're apart....which he did for the first 2 months.

 

New year came and went, all was great. January being a bad time money wise for him, with trying to find tax money! lol

House bought, divorce came through in january too.

 

He was getting a little distant, so as i've learnt from previous experience with him, i gave him a bit of space...let him contact me...which he did...but it seemed a bit cold...I kept my feeelings to myself, and still tried to be the loving happy me towards him...Started to feel like i was a chore to him, instead of wanted.

But when we got together everything was perfect again!!

 

Getting to now, the last two weekends we spent together, he had to work, needed the money...so he drove to me on the evening, and i went with him to work on one of the days...all was good...but he became even more cold during the week after. I know he was very tired. he is currently working 12 hour days, and has his kids one evening a week, and was ferrying stuff trying to get ready for the house move. So again I kept my distance....it got to the point where i dreaded he texts, wondering if he was going to be loving or not. I tried to show him love, but was getting no loving response back.

 

Last weekend he was moving into his new house, so caught the train and bus to him(3hrs yuk!).. he had to work, so I unpacked everything, and got him all up and running! I left on the monday morning, and all was wonderful between us. Tuesday was valentines. He said he couldn't afford flowers and a meal, so i said i'd cook, and dont bother buying me anything (but he did) I said all i want is feel wanted and appreciated by him for i am to him...he said he could do that!

 

He came up, he was tired, and looked like he didn't want to be there, we ate and i let him have an hours kip...hoping he would perk up. he didn't so i ended up tearfully telling him, I want quality in our contact..to feel wanted and thought of...I said one well phrased text is worth more than a hundred, saying 'hi, how was your day?','yeah I'm fine thanx','just watching telly'.... feel more like a mate! lol ... he was too tired to truly respond, he said he felt that he had to please everyone and that he felt like an entertainment machine, and he gets no time to himself. Fair enough. I did say i'd had a few sleepless nights over it(not really true, have had sleepless nights, but his coldness just made them worse)

 

Anyway we went to bed, holding each other all night, he left for work really early...kissed me goodbye...later i text him to say sorry for saying what i did but needed to get it off my chest, and didn't expect anything to change, cos I know he has a lot on, but wanted to let him know how I was feeling. his response was 'ok' No kisses on it nothing.... and I haven't heard from him since!!

 

now what do i do??? I didn't intend to pressure him, but he just doesn't talk to me anymore, and I know he's been tired and stressed, but I thought i was helping with that! HELP....sorry its long! thank you

[alwaysmoving]

It seems like all his issues - divorce, money, moving, kids, working long hours - are preventing him from keeping up the type of relationship you want. And you don't need to be with a guy who ignores you and doesn't think of you as a priority. If I were you I'd write him an email or a text saying that due to his actions after your talk, it is obvious that he is too busy and distracted to keep up a relationship, and that you're going to assume that he is either calling it quits or taking a break until his life is more settled. Tell him to give you a call if he wants to talk, but as it stands you are going to begin the process of moving on.

[Hollyj]

Sounds like you're are sacrificing a lot for this guy - his moods, money, problems etc..... Ask yourself what you are getting and what he does for you? This does not sound like a relationship, as it doesn't seem to do much to participate.

 

Is your sole communication by text. or do you speak on the phone?

 

This guy does not sound like he capable of ready for a relationship, most especially since he just got a divorce.

[Breaking Away]

It is probably one of the most frustrating things when someone ignores you. I am going through it right now. It would be so much easier if they just said goodbye.. at least you would know where you stood.

 

Here's how i'm handling my situation and maybe you should to.. I"m walking away. I deserve more. I deserve NOT to be ignored. I don't care how distraught a person is in the world of text messages its very easy to just say.. "dont feel like talking.. i need space" .. or SOMETHING.

[catgirl69]

thanx for replying so quick!!

 

I was going to call him tonight.... with the assumption he won't bother answering...and leaving an answer phone message!

Try my hardest to make it short....lol... I know he mellows alot when he hears my voice after a long time of not seeing me...I know he will even now!

 

Starting to think I was really really in the wrong for putting extra pressure on him, but If he hadn't have come over on valentines behaving like he was, i would've left it, and kept waiting til he had sorted things out!! I did need to hear from him more...it was only texts...forced the odd call out of him...but he hates talking on the phone, even tho when we do talk, we can talk for hours! lol

 

Maybe I deserve to be ignored, cos i knew what he was going thru and should've thought about his feelings??

 

I know he does try sometimes...just not lately, and was waiting till the last few things in his life were sorted to give me what i need, I had set a deadline for myself...and it would still stand (in 2 months, anniversary! lol)

 

Not quite sure how to start the call....I'm not a confrontational person, hate being mean to people.

 

Thanx again

[Hollyj]

I think you're settling for very little. This is a non-relationship. If someone is interested - no matter how busy, they will be in contact on a daily basis, and not by text.

 

Do not call him, you will look needy and desperate. Please see through his actions he is incapable of a relationship.

 

You need to realize that you deserve more in a relationship b/c this guy is giving you crumbs. Don't you want someone with both feet in?

 

Please reread what people have written to you. You need to start demanding more for yourself!

[Ginna]

I don't think this is a healthy relationship.

Even if all went back to normal, if you moved in together and lived happily ever after...

One day there will be a problem that you will need to solve together. And he will deal with it by escaping, hiding and bottling up.

In a relationship partners need to support each other in need... and communicate.

 

You deserve more.

[Breaking Away]

i think its crazy that you are blaming yourself for his behavior because you expressed your needs.

 

you have needs... they are normal and not out of the ordinary .. and you had every right to express them.

 

do not call him.. walk away .. you're worth more.

[Hollyj]

He has totally managed down your expectations. You expect so little.

 

Please check out link removed. I think it will help you understand your relationship.

[catgirl69]

Hey all...thank you for all your help...

 

i have just rang him... rang when i knew he'd be putting the kids to bed!! lol

 

Sorry but i had to...and unforunately didnt keep it short! lol

Have used every thing you all said in the message...and that link removed link gave me the courage to actually say I'm moving on!!!

 

Oh god I feel sick!!!

[BlueEagle]

Hi, my boyfriend has ignored my texts for the last 5 days...only sent 2, but i got a hint he wanted space so I've left him alone.

 

If he's ignoring your texts for that amount of time then that is not very respectful. Assuming he got your texts, he should have at least communicated that he needed space then simply "poofing" on you.

 

Bit of a complicated situation, we met 10 months ago on a dating website, he was just looking for sex, I wasn't

 

That's a red flag right there. You had different outlooks for the relationship. This might tie in with him ignoring your texts for five days.

 

He was still married but getting a divorce,

 

You have to be very careful with this type of situation as it can backfire easily.

 

and after 4 months of seeing him he found out a few things about his ex, and she was constantly asking for money and harrassing him

 

See, these lingering exes can cause immense problems, and the fact that he was still married while you were dating him further complicated things.

 

... He withdrew into himself, withdrew from me...so of course i got needy and clingy! He almost ended it twice, but on seeing me he couldn't do it, so i suggested we take a break from each other. We stayed apart for 5 weeks, still in contact but not too much. (sometimes he had his really black days and he would not get in touch for a day or two). When we'd arranged to meet up again, he had the intention of ending it again, but once again, couldn't.

 

Again, it appears he's having ex issues. I've been in a somewhat similar situation. My last ex allowed her ex to linger on, getting in the middle of our relationship, slowly driving a wedge between us. When you start to feel like you are looking in from the outside of your partner and someone else it is maddeningly frustrating and you feel powerless. Clearly put, if someone isn't fully over their ex then they should not be entering a new relationship with someone else. It's not fair to the other person.

 

i asked him if he still loved me, he said he didn't know, and he won't say it until he's sure! bit of limbo for me too right now!

 

More than likely it's possible because he was not fully over his ex.

 

He had started to sort out buying a house etc. So money was an issue, (he is self employed too) and said he couldn't see me as often, he lives an hour away, and has a gas guzzling van. i said i could do every other weekend (he has his kids every other) but as long as he shows me he cares while we're apart....which he did for the first 2 months.

 

If you care about your partner you will make the effort, find a way to see them. Money is tight for most people nowadays. I'm not saying he has to see you every single day, but a little effort, interest, initiative on his part on trying to see you would be helpfully reassuring for you. And he didn't/couldn't do that.

 

New year came and went, all was great. January being a bad time money wise for him, with trying to find tax money! lol

House bought, divorce came through in january too.

 

His primary intentions were buying the house and divorcing his ex. What about you? You got pushed aside. You were very low on his list of priorities.

 

He was getting a little distant, so as i've learnt from previous experience with him, i gave him a bit of space...let him contact me...which he did

 

Space can be okay when used properly, but it shouldn't be used to frequently neglect you, and there seems to be a pattern of him of just pushing you away constantly to attend to far more important things to him. If he can't communicate with you all this time, and instead keeps pushing you away, tells you he isn't sure he loves you, goes cold on you, then you should be very concerned. From what you've described there seems to be a disturbing pattern with him putting you on the back burner. The frequency of him doing this is the clincher. If he did it once -- asked for space and was seeming cold -- I wouldn't necessarily be too alarmed because who knows what it could be. But this just seems unhealthy overall.

 

...but it seemed a bit cold...I kept my feeelings to myself,

 

You shouldn't keep your feelings to yourself. You have needs, you have a right to state what is and what isn't working in this relationship. You don't want to be a doormat to him, or anyone else for that matter because they will take advantage of you and control you if you let them. That doesn't mean you have to have a huge fight with him about it, but you need to assert yourself on what is bothering you, what is acceptable and what isn't.

 

and still tried to be the loving happy me towards him...Started to feel like i was a chore to him, instead of wanted.

 

Pretending everything is fine doesn't really solve the problem. You need to realize that you ARE worth it and have every right in the world to have your needs and what you bring to the relationship. He shouldn't get his way entirely. It's a relationship so compromise is essential. You both have to work together as a team to resolve issues. So far it sounds like he's done nothing of the sort and is just keeping you around as a "chore," as you have said. You should never feel like a "chore" instead of feeling wanted by your partner.

 

But when we got together everything was perfect again!!

 

Maybe because he wanted sex? Or that you were on his schedule so he could fit you into his schedule?

 

Getting to now, the last two weekends we spent together, he had to work, needed the money...so he drove to me on the evening, and i went with him to work on one of the days...all was good...but he became even more cold during the week after. I know he was very tired. he is currently working 12 hour days, and has his kids one evening a week, and was ferrying stuff trying to get ready for the house move. So again I kept my distance....it got to the point where i dreaded he texts, wondering if he was going to be loving or not. I tried to show him love, but was getting no loving response back.

 

See the pattern yet? This is ongoing. It's not once, or even twice. He clearly has too much on his plate to be a consistent loving partner for you, and won't communicate with you about it.

 

Last weekend he was moving into his new house, so caught the train and bus to him(3hrs yuk!)..

 

Three hours on public transportation to see him? Do you think he valued you enough for that arduous trip?

 

he had to work, so I unpacked everything, and got him all up and running! I left on the monday morning, and all was wonderful between us. Tuesday was valentines. He said he couldn't afford flowers and a meal, so i said i'd cook, and dont bother buying me anything (but he did) I said all i want is feel wanted and appreciated by him for i am to him...he said he could do that!

 

This is just terrible. YOU are cooking for him on Valentine's Day? He can't afford flowers? Not even a single rose? He can't buy you a cheap box of chocolates? Or get you a card? Or make you a card? Why can't he cook for you? You said he did end up buying you something -- that's a start. What was it?

 

He came up, he was tired, and looked like he didn't want to be there, we ate and i let him have an hours kip...hoping he would perk up. he didn't so i ended up tearfully telling him, I want quality in our contact..to feel wanted and thought of...I said one well phrased text is worth more than a hundred, saying 'hi, how was your day?','yeah I'm fine thanx','just watching telly'.... feel more like a mate! lol ... he was too tired to truly respond, he said he felt that he had to please everyone and that he felt like an entertainment machine, and he gets no time to himself. Fair enough. I did say i'd had a few sleepless nights over it(not really true, have had sleepless nights, but his coldness just made them worse)

 

I think it was good that you told him your needs about wanting more quality in your contact with him. It's one thing to not feel like he's getting enough "me-time," which is vital for anyone in a relationship, but the bigger picture is the pattern of neglect.

 

Anyway we went to bed, holding each other all night, he left for work really early...kissed me goodbye...later i text him to say sorry for saying what i did but needed to get it off my chest

 

Sorry for what? What did you do that you felt you needed to apologize for?

 

and didn't expect anything to change, cos I know he has a lot on, but wanted to let him know how I was feeling. his response was 'ok' No kisses on it nothing.... and I haven't heard from him since!!

 

I think you know the answer to this, but I'll say it again: He does not value you very much. He doesn't seem to be making much effort. He disappears indefinitely and when he resurfaces things are temporarily better. Temporarily. I do not think this is a healthy relationship whatsoever. Furthermore, I feel like you are being used, your good nature taken advantage of, and quite simply, you can do much, much better.

 

now what do i do??? I didn't intend to pressure him, but he just doesn't talk to me anymore, and I know he's been tired and stressed, but I thought i was helping with that! HELP....sorry its long! thank you

 

I think this goes beyond just being tired and stressed. He consistently shuts down, doesn't involve you in his life until he wants to, or allows it, and is way too consumed by every other stressor in his life. Have you ever heard of that saying, "Don't make someone a priority in your life when you're only an option in theirs"? I think this is exactly what's going on. You are his option and he is your priority. See how incongruent this relationship is? It's not healthy, there is no balance, there is no healthy communication, there is no respect. I would strongly suggest you reevaluate being in this relationship. I believe you can do better and that you deserve to be happy with someone who will respect you, cherish you, and make some semblance, even a modicum, of an effort to work on your relationship together as a team. He's not worth it, in my opinion.

[Hollyj]

You did the best thing for you. This guy had nothing to give.

 

The site is wonderful, and the others comments will be a great support. The site not only helped me recognize unhealthy relationships, but also recognize my lack of boundaries and self-value. It was life changing .

 

Big hug!

[Flyers]

It sounds like he has a lot on his plate right now. Going through a divorce can be emotionally and physically draining. He needs time to sort through this. I'd step back for the time being and let him come back to you. After he's had time to sort his life out, he may very well come back to you as an improved man. It sounds like you're settling for much less than you deserve. Hang in there, I know your heart is probably a little heavy. Just give him some space to be alone for now.

[Hollyj]

It can take years to move on from a divorce. Please do not wait around for this guy hoping he will change.

 

Move on with your life, with no intention of him returning.

[lavenderdove]

Most men just out of a bad marriage and having a bad divorce, kids, money troubles etc. aren't ready for a serious relationship... they just aren't emotionally available to have another relationship... i'm sorry, i this it was bad timing and he's just not ready to leap into another serious relationship and realized it so soon after a marriage with kids... it's always risky to get involved with men going thru divorces for just this reason... they like the distraction of a new woman and the excitment and sex, until they realize, hey wait a minute, i just got out of a bad marriage and don't want to leap into another one because it could turn out just like the last one and i don't want that... so they just have a string of infatuations and women that rotate in and out again when the woman makes any demands at all on him in terms of expecting him to be a real partner or leading to marriage... it can take a long time emotionally and financially to get over a bad divorce, and this is just too soon for him and it could take years (or never).

[catgirl69]

Hey all....well its all over!!!

 

I finally got him to speak to me...lol... didn't want to talk at first.... but i needed to! lol...

He said he didn't want to be answerable to anyone, and wanted to do what he wanted....The it's not you it's me line!! lol

 

Wish he was hurting too!!! lol

 

Makes me sick at the thought he doesn't want me anymore

 

Anyway thank you for giving me the courage I needed xxxxxxxx

[lavenderdove]

The way you have to look at this is that he may want you, but he wants other things like total freedom a lot more... Sometimes the hardest breakups are when you enjoy each other's company, yet you have different goals or are at different life phases. Sometimes if what you both want is too far apart (i.e., him freedom and no thoughts of the future and you a relationship), then it is best to cut it short and find someone who does have compatible goals rather than trying to shove a square peg in a round hole.

 

I also would be very cautious getting involved with a man going thru a divorce until he has gotten the divorce and has had time to heal and really get past the anger and bitterness. They just aren't really available even if they do want sex and a good time, they're not available and open to starting a new relationship, or just grab a women to help them get thru the divorce, then once thru it look around and say, i want my freedom and don't want to get serious with anyone now... So you were a crutch to ease them out of their marriage and thru a difficult divorce, but once the divorce is final, they don't 'need' you so much and want to look around and have fun rather than make a commitment.

 

So lesson learned!

[catgirl69]

Feel okay today...feel sort of free!! lol

 

Just hurts that he has no care for me still! Last time we 'split up' he told me he didn't want to lose me, and I was a special person...and basically made me feel good...this time, not a good word...even tho I was fishing a bit! lol He felt guilty and checked up on me occasionally, this time nothing!

 

Apparently, I was always wanting things my way...when sometimes he just wanted to chill!! Did say I'm not a mind reader! He never talked to me like he used to...and everything I did i assumed he enjoyed, because he used to! But what i didn't tell him, wish I had, was that the only free time I get is when I see him, my daughter is at her dad's, every other weekend was centered around him, haven't really seen my friends for the whole time I was with him...and it's not if I can pop out any evening I choose, cos my daughter is only 7!! So when he came down, yes, I expected him to actually spend quality time with me....it may have been his free weekend, but it was also my only free time at all!! He really did make it out that it was all my fault! When I asked to talk on the phone he said it would be awkward and too difficult... and to not push him into it, and to not put him thru it...and I said just this one last thing for me... and his response was, 'does what I want not count?' aaaargh

I guess if we lived in the same town.... things would've been different...or maybe not! lol

 

He also said 'we both helped each other thru things'...that was a slap in the face...yes, I've had some terrible times, violent relationships etc and I ended up telling him more than anyone knows...and he helped me like myself again, and not blame myself...but with one swift kick, I'm back down there again, because he has just validated all I used to think about myself!! Not by leaving me, but disrespecting my feelings, and not seeing me as a good person anymore. All I did, was all for him!

 

Last message I got from him...was 'All the best'....yeah thanx! lol

 

Don't feel very worthy of anyones love right now.

[Hollyj]

This is what happens when you make someone your entire life, you lose your identity. I know you feel terrible, but make this your epiphany and recognize why you are attracted to these types of men - I learned it through baggagereclaim and made some life changing decisions. I didn't want to be a doormat any longer, and now know that healthy attracts healthy.

 

You said you have a string of poor relationships - this is another, as he was unavailable - now is the time to separate yourself from men and stop seeking validation. You need to establish boundaries in your life and recognize that you deserve more, or you will continue to attract these types of men - they can smell a woman with low self-esteem a mile away.

 

Please take a break and get some counseling to discover where the low self worth stems, and why you do not believe you deserve more in a relationship.

 

All the best.