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Dilemma of contact with ex

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So broke up with my last serious ex several months ago (and wrote all about it on this site). Long story short: last contact we had was about 3 months ago. She wanted to hang out and be friends. I said no because 1) she was dating someone who she ended our relationship for and that was painful for me and 2) I was just starting to date someone.


Now three months later she requested to be friends again on facebook, a few days ago. I did not friend her because I'm not interested in rehashing the past and, though I'm largely over her, hanging out with her would surely bring some of the pain back to the surface. Now she's friended one of my friends she met once when we were together and she's made little sarcastic comments on some of my posts on other mutual friends' pages. She's obviously trying to get my attention, but I really don't want to give it to her, especially since this is a rather childish way to go about getting it.


So my dilemma is this. For my own personal growth, it would be best if I continued to ignore her. Any contact I have with her will likely open up a line of communication I do not want to open at this time. Plus, I was very clear in our last conversation that I wanted NC and did not want to be friends. On the other hand, I don't hate her and I do feel a little bad completely ignoring her. Maybe I should just be honest with her and type her a brief message that says something like, "Hey I'm sorry but I am not interested in being friends. I hope you're doing well." But then that in itself might start a conversation I don't want to have...


Ahh! So you see my dilemma...

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But then that in itself might start a conversation I don't want to have...


I may be way off base, but I have a feeling that this could possibly be a conversation you "do" want to have, otherwise why would you feel the need to repeat your original message? Obviously she knows where you stand, therefore it may be helpful to ask yourself if you're only thinking in the moment, as opposed to thinking in the long term.

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Oh how I've been there. Advice? She will gather from you not contacting that you don't want to be friends.

It's been said millions of times here, if she wanted more from you ( a relationship), trust me, she will go all out to let you know.


My last ex, before this one, 2 months after NC (I'd met someone else), she emailed 20+ times, called, etc etc telling me she had made the biggest mistake of her life! She made sure and let me know, and she dumped me. I moved on and ignored her. Her lose.


If you keep reaching out, she will continue to use you as her comfort blanket. Don't! Keep NC. Stay strong.

I'm on here tonight because I had that sudden urge to break it. But 5 minutes on here, no way am I giving that any of MY time.

I de-activated my FB last week. Best thing I've done so far. My mind is soooo clear and I'm smiling so much now because I don't care what she is up to. Her life, her mistakes, hahahaha!


Stay strong my friend

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Heartgoeson you have a point. On some level I do want to have the conversation because I do miss her, as I miss all my partners with whom I've had an intimate relationship of a year or more, especially since it's only been a few months since last we communicated. I guess I am thinking in the moment. In the long term, and on an intellectual level, I don't want to talk to her. Nothing good can come of it and, as I've mentioned in a thread on the dating section of this site, I may be more seriously involved with someone else soon. I don't want to jeopardize that.


I will definitely remain NC. And I'm not going to block her because that feels like stooping to her level. If she really wants to talk to me, as you point out loveseeker, she'll find a way.

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Block her, do whatever you need to do to maintain your NC. If you feel bad about ignoring her, this will be NOTHING compared to what you'll go through if you start getting back in contact with her - starting by giving her the payoff she wants from making snide, manipulative comments on mutual friends' pages.


It's not unusual to have ambivalent feelings towards ex partners, the 'half-wanting-to-see-them-and-half-not-wanting-to-see-them', and I get that you don't actually hate her. However, that's no reason to jeopardise your own personal growth.


A more mature person would have accepted the lack of response to the friend request, drawn their own conclusions and respected you. Her response says it all, really.

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Hi again, Psycho Magnet,


Good to hear you are maintaining NC. It really is for the best - do not allow this ex girlfriend into your life, in any way, shape or form. This should be a permanent measure, you remember the drama hole she sucked you in to. Likely she is having the same "troubles" with her new BF as she was having with you. Her lame attempts at reaching out to you don't show that she cares about you, but that she cares about herself. It is very difficult not to get pulled into the whirlwind that follows around someone exhibiting strong BPD traits. The easiest way is to keep them out of your life. Block her on Facebook and straight up deny her any attempt at communicating with you.


Hope all is going well.

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Thanks everyone, yes this all makes a lot of sense. Actually, I could use more advice now because she went ahead and sent me a facebook message saying she doesn't have my number anymore and that I should call her, that we should catch up, etc. Thanks for the encouragement again STW. That was actually my first thought, that she broke up with her current bf or something. She probably wants emotional support or sex or both. I say this because this is exactly the road I went down about a month after the breakup that ended in sex. In a way this is nice because it reminds me how selfish she is, her total lack of respect for my wishes of NC.


I'm going to remain NC but now that she's sent me a message I feel like even more of a * * * * . Plus let me point out the difficulty of this given that she's a cute little 22 year old who knows what I like... Difficult, but I'll be strong.

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The difficulty is that once you allow her into your life for sex, you allow her to begin messing with your head again immediately. She knows if you are willing to allow her back in for sex, that she can begin playing her little games.. on a lesser level than before, but all the same. How long do you let it go on for? A one night stand? A week? A month? A lifetime?


Cut her out before she finds any way to make you feel miserable. Block her ass.

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