Bf has ruined who i am as a person, due to his ex. I dont know what to do.

[brokenheartedone]

Hi everyone.

My bf has basically ruined who I am as a person.

Due to his beloved ex girlfriend. No he doesnt like her etc etc. He doesnt want her either.

But he uses all the "great" things about her as a weapon against me.

He rubs her in my face. He calls me jealous when I question this.

He refuses to say one bad word about her. There are things which she has done which are truly bad, and everyone here would agree with that. Her personality was so fake, try hard and ugly. But he refuses to admit this. And instead defends her and insults me.

Everything that is me, I have been since a young girl. My certain interests, beliefs etc.

But it all amounts to nothing. And she, who tried so incredibly hard, and had such poor taste, and was a horrible person - gets all the credit and glory. While i go unnoticed and discredited.

I now feel extremely uncomfortable pursuing certain things I am and things I love and have always done - because he thinks i am just trying to be like her. And that im jealous. Even though I have been this way, myself, ever since I was little. It is genuine. But with her, it is all put on. Fake.

I feel he has ruined everything about me. I feel that being myself, makes him laugh, because he thinks i am copying her. It is so insulting and degrading.

I really dont know what to do. I may as well go live in a cardboard box on the side of the road with fleas, it probably wouldnt make any difference.

I feel defeated. I feel so small. I feel worthless. I dont know what to do. I cant bare this.

Thanks, I hope someone can help me.

[EgoJoe]

How old are you and your boyfriend?

 

Also...this guy is not over his Ex, how long ago were they broken up and who dumped you...although I'm thinking she dumped him

[nutbrownhare]

If you're in an abusive relationship - and this one sounds as though it's very emotionally abusive - it will gradually eat away at your self esteem. However, nobody can ruin who you are as a person without your consent. It seems that he still has a lot of anger towards his ex which he hasn't processed, and which he is now taking out on you. It's nothing personal about you - it's just that he's a jerk, and is acting like one. Don't take his spiteful, belittling comments personally. The way someone behaves is a reflection of the way they are, not the way you are. If their relationship had been that good, they'd still be together. If he behaved towards her the way he behaves towards you, I'm not surprised they split up.

 

Why are you still with this guy, and staying in a relationship which is undermining you so much? This isn't a rhetorical question... are you still in contact with friends and family, and do you have a support network and people you are close to, other than him? Sometimes these situations arise when we are isolated from others, so the abusive person gets to wreak all their havoc uninterrupted.

 

The other thing is, that you need to stop thinking of yourself as a helpless victim. You're not. Reading between the lines of your post, you have interests which you love to pursue and beliefs which you have had for a long time, and which are part of you. If he doesn't like that - that's his problem, not yours. However, if you take his warped, belittling opinions on board then it does become your problem - but you have a choice in this. At the moment you are basing your sense of self worth on the opinion of someone else. This is never a good idea, but particularly not with a character like this.

 

When you say you feel defeated, you can look upon this as the point where you say 'Enough is enough'. You may not be ready to leave the relationship (though the healthy interests you had before will help sustain you if you did), but you need to find your source of self esteem from within and not look for him for affirmation. There are several ways you can go about this, which ever one fits for you. There are loads of resources online for building up self esteem, but you may wish to seek professional help if this has always been an issue for you. Alternatively, there are support groups - both online and in person, who can help see you through this. Codependents Anonymous would be an obvious one, or if either he or your parents had a problem with alcohol, then Al Anon would also fit for you. You needn't go it alone.

 

You also need to establish healthy boundaries. This means that you start to recognise which bits of any scenario belong to you, and which belong to him. For example - if he doesn't like you pursuing an interest of yours, that's his problem. If you then feel uncomfortable doing it, that's your problem. But that's the bit you can do something about. You needn't accept what he's telling you. In fact, expressly STOP accepting his warped, nasty little opinions. Decide for yourself what you want out of a relationship, and see if any of his behaviour actually fits it. It might; in a short post you can't really summarise a whole relationship.

 

You can't change him - you can never change another person. But you do have the choice as to whether you give him all your power. Recognise that you are choosing to stay in this situation, and that you are choosing to accept his assessment of you. Both of those are things you really, really can change - and for your own sanity, you need to.

[WhenWillILove]

Break up with him, unless you like being abused by him.

[rainbows1]

This guy is not over his ex or what happened between them and is taking out the hurt and betrayal he is feeling out on you. He is obviously finding it hard to deal with his feelings and it probably makes him feel better knowing that he isn't the only one hurting, which is why he is hurting you. The fact he praises his ex and puts you down, is basically saying that his ex means more to him - you wouldn't put down someone you loved would you? Especially if he defends her, he is probably trying to justify to himself why he still has feelings for her.

 

This man, may in time, get over his ex, but not with you in the picture and over time you will be a shell of the person you are because you're allowing him to treat you this way. Sometimes when we like or love someone a lot we tend to look past their flaws because we think one day they will treat us better or we see them as we want to see them, not as they are.

 

Go out and find a man who will be praising you and there will be one, it sometimes takes a long time to find them but its better to be looking for that person, than looking to change someone else.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Nutbrownhare's post says it all. This guy is abusing you and the sooner you leave this relationship the better off you will be. If you choose to leave, don't be surprised if he starts crying and saying he will change, he is sorry blah blah. Abusers typically claim they will change only when the other person wants to leave. Then when the other person stays, the abuse starts again. Don't spend another moment of time with a guy who treats you this badly. You are far better off being alone than with someone who tears you down like this.

[brokenheartedone]

Thanks everyone..All your responses were much needed and appreciated! I have left u all reputation points for being so kind and giving good advice.

This ex of his, I have always felt intimidated by. But i never really thought about it or talked about it ever. I just moved on. I know she has much nicer skin than me, better at writing and sports and art (the three things i have prided myself on - but of course she is much better at all three) and her eyes and facial structure are exquisite and stunning. Unlike mine. But anyway besides all that. Now i am finding out even more things about her that my bf is rubbing in my face. Isnt she just so amazing, and arent i just so average. I resent that he still has feelings for her. She cheated on him every second weekend and made a video with his friends. One of those videos. So what the hell? I must be even less than a person like that....He hasnt been with her for 8 years. So yeah. My self esteem is none existent due to this. And i really feel like theres nothing special about me. She is better and has outdone me in over ten ways. If not more. I could leave him, but im pretty unconfident at the moment. We have spent hours and hours talking about this one girl. To no resolution or anything comforting.....I thank him though for making me realise i am not that great...And that i need to work on myself.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Why are you internalizing everything he says about this woman. You really need to get away from this miserable man and find someone who actually cares about you. There will always be people who are smarter, funnier, more talented at whatever your talents are etc. The most important thing is to be proud of your own accomplishments and not look over your shoulder at others. This guy does not value you and is dragging you down. You need to walk away from his abuse.

[superfox]

Any examples of what he says exactly? It's hard to understand whether he's coming right out with these comparisons or whether you're pitting yourself against her in your head and what he will think.

 

If he is blatently insulting you then I would stop whatever it was you were doing, turn around and say 'bye' and walk out.