I am cursed. This keeps happening again and again so it must be me. Thoughts?

[alwaysmoving]

The following turn of events has happened to me three times, literally one after the other, in the past year.

 

1. I meet a guy and like him

2. We don't end up dating because he either (a) adamantly states doesn't want a relationship, or (b) wouldn't make a good boyfriend to any girl with standards due to certain qualities

3. Since the guy is attractive and fun to hang out with anyway, we see each other casually for an extended period of time, until

4. He calls me up one day to say he is getting into a serious relationship. I find out who the girl is and it's someone respectable, and he changes his ways for her.

 

This has happened to me literally 3 times in one year.

 

I am someone respectable. I am 23, I have a master's degree, I have a good sense of humor, I work very hard as a first year teacher and am 100% financially independent even though I just recently graduated college, I make relatively smart decisions in life, I like to have fun, I am attractive, I have very close friendships with people and don't have any obvious flaw or reason why no guy takes me seriously.

 

I don't really get it, but it has to be something I'm doing wrong because I am the common denominator in all of this. The situation I described above, like I said, has occurred three times with three different guys, who are all very different. Does anyone have any suggestions?

 

I know you'll probably say the following: don't involve yourself with men who say they don't want a relationship. My issue isn't that these three guys wouldn't initially get in one with me, but because all three lied. They were hypocritical because they did end up in relationships, just with someone else. What I want to know is why they took those girls seriously, and not me.

[force]

They could be intimidated by you by thinking your too good. Or...the chemistry may not be there. Do you think your too clingy and smother them? Sometimes guys can smell desperation, not that your desperate or anything, but maybe they sense something? You sound like a great catch.

 

Tell me details:

 

1) How often do you talk or text these prospects?

2) Are you the intiator with conversation?

3) How are the dynamics when your out with this guy, conversation, body language?

[lunac]

it sounds like these guys youre interested in are all emotionally unavailable. in a way it is you but its really not. as women we tend to seek out men who need help. women are nurturing by nature (most of the time)

every ones damaged to some extent.

so i would advice you to stop blaming your self and re evaluate the situation.

and if thes guys wouldnt take you seriously up the bar a bit make them work to get at you instead dont make yourself overly available.

[Elaine Marley]

Are you sleeping with these men? I couldn't quite tell what you meant by number 3.

[SnowWhite7]

I've had a similar experience and also wonder why aswell.

[Rose30]

Probably one of the reasons these guys pick other girls over you is that the other girls aren't willing to date casually, and that raises their value in the eyes of the guys. I know you don't want to hear this and you already anticipated what I was going to say but nothing good is going to come out of dating a guy who just wants to date casually and tells you up front he doesn't want a relationship. also when a guy says things like i dont want a serious relationship it usually means i don't want a serious relationship with you. Don't put yourself in that position, with all your wonderful qualities you deserve someone who will give you the love and respect you should get.

[Thorshammer]

Many times its because they just dont want to date you. I've had girls just cling on to me because of attraction, how i make them laugh, etc. but being a college student didnt tickle their relationship bone, they wanted a man who had what i had- but with an already established career. Just like us, they want the best they can get, and i wasnt that for them.

 

I do date women and i tell them i want to take it slow, i hope they would grow on me, but during the first few dates i am not interested enough to be committed to them. Sometimes it has to do with physical attraction, other times it has to do with behavior (we dont have good communication for example), or something is off about the (their stories are inconsistent for example). When i met the women that would be my girlfriend, i knew from the first date how far i wanted to take it.

[lavenderdove]

Your mistake is you need to stop after step 2. The second the guy says he doesn't want a relationship or he wouldn't make a good BF, it means he is not available to you and hence you are wasting your time. Don't hang out with him or waste time with him, just put him behind you and keep looking until you find a guy who answers question #2 with yes, i am looking for a GF and yes, i want to date you.

 

Those excuses that the guys give in step 2 are usually polite ways of saying they don't want to date you seriously but are OK to hang out (for whatever reason). Maybe they don't feel a strong enough spark with you or maybe they want to date around and look for someone they feel is a better match or maybe they don't want to settle down just yet, but will if they meet the right girl (i.e., sadly, they don't think you are the right girl so don't waste your time).

 

There are so many factors that go into attraction and why someone would feel enough chemistry to consider a serious relationship, that you can't waste time trying to make it happen if the person isn't all that interested in you. Just because you really like him doesn't mean he's that into you, so take these kinds of answer they are giving you as a polite 'no, not really interested' and just move on. You're not doing anything wrong other than continuing to try to pursue someone who has told you basically they don't want to date you. the excuses they give may be varied (and not always true) but probably just generalities to let you know they don't intend to date your or take you seriously as a prospect. Eventually they do meet someone they feel that way about and then you hear about it.

 

It is also a big problem that many people don't like long sexual dry spells so they're willing to have casual sex or FWB situations to tide them over until they meet someone they really are interested in. So in essence, they may be willing to hang out and have friendly sex because they don't have a serious GF, but they are not considering you seriously so you are just a port in the storm for them until they do. So don't waste your on on anyone who isn't openly enthusiastic about you and says openly they want to date and would consider being your BF rather than just casual FWB situations.

[lavenderdove]

So what i am really saying is your problem is you are selling yourself too low... the second a guy says such things to you, just keep going rather than expecting that it will turn into something better if you hang out with him. He's already let you know he's not that interested up front and is looking for someone different than you, so don't sell yourself short or waste time. Lots of guys will take free sex if you'll offer it but that doesn't mean they want to get serious with you. Recognize that them hanging out with you after they've said such things is not a sign of anything at all other than liking the sex and company, but they've already told you they don't want you as a GF so don't bother or take them seriously. Lots of guys won't be that interested, but there are plenty who will if you keep putting yourself out there to meet new guys and don't waste time with guys who've told you they don't want a relationship.

[alwaysmoving]

Thanks so much to everyone who responded, especially you lavenderdove.

 

So basically these guys weren't really against relationships, all three of them just didn't have that desire with me. Ouch, but, makes sense.

 

I'm going to stop at Step 2 from now on. If I hear "I'm not looking for a relationship, but we can totally hang out" I'm going to pass, instead of take them up on their offer. Because clearly it's code for "I don't really like you that much but we can hang out until I meet someone I do really like."

 

I feel like as a 23 year old, I should know these things. But, you live and learn. I'm going to make sure I never get that "hey...I have a girlfriend now so we can't really hang out anymore" call ever again. It sucks.