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Why am I still feeling this way!?


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I have been dating this "good girl" for almost 7 years. We have been having minor issues that we manage to work with. The past two years have been going even smoother. While her biggest concern is "when are we going to get engaged/married!", I just tell her after I finish college we will. I can't explain how content I was with the RS until yesterday. I asked her about the number of guys that she had sex with before we started dating (not the first time I asked of course & We started dating while were 16 btw). I was 100% sure I was told it was one (7 years ago) then all of a sudden it turns that she did so with another guy (a few times) before we dated. Although that guy is no longer living in the same state, she talks to him on the phone at least 4-5 times a week. For a very long period of time, I thought they were just regular friends (with no sexual history) but I guess she wasn't proud of what happened so she didn't want to mention it (or so she says). Although we aren't very religious, we agreed that we aren't going to have sex till marriage but I guess it started happening since year 2. Yesterday after the whole talk, she told me that she will work on not talking to him again and that it will be hard etc... She tends to keep her word. For some reason, I feel very weird about the RS. It's like I haven't been knowing the whole truth for a very long time. She always claimed that the kind of sex she had with the guy she dated before me was more like "forced sex" and she was scared of telling people about it. Knowing that there was a second guy that I didn't know about.... makes me feel somewhat weird and of course the worst part is that she has been friends with him for a while. I was actually scared of even asking about what kind of sex it was or such.... I have been living for a very long portion of my "adult" life dating this girl but I can't seem to set my mind straight and forget about it like it is some sort of unnecessary past. I have been completely honest with her about everything. I couldn't even think of a black deep secret to tell her about my past in response to this.


Can anyone offer any suggestion to how to fix my feelings or what to do?

Thanks in advance.

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What the heck is forced sex? Does she claim she was repeatedly raped? If not, then she willingly participated and it was not forced and this excuse, like her lie about being with this guy in the first place, is another lie designed to make her look good in your eyes. So I'd count this as 2 lies so far. Next, what do you think about her talking to a guy she had sex with 4-5 times a week while she's lied to you about them having a sexual history and instead told you they were merely friends? I wouldn't be ok with this. If I were you, I don't think I could trust her and I'd probably be done.

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You really need to let this one go - not the relationship, I hasten to add!


I'm scratching my head about why you felt the need to ask her how many guys she had had sex with - when you've been together for SEVEN YEARS already, and had already talked about this. Having sex a few times with someone before you two dated hardly constitutes a black deep secret (it would be different if she had cheated on you); and if there had been anything more to it then she'd probably have stuck with him, wouldn't she? It's not unusual for young girls to have sex with guys and then decide mutually that they won't be doing that again - in a perverse sort of way, it gets the sexuality out of the way; it often lurks below the surface in boy/girl friendships, but there's nothing like reality to banish that fantasy. I'd guess she's a bit embarrassed about it.


This took place over seven years ago, before you two were an item. I'm glad you're scared of asking about what sort of sex it was - it really is none of your business, for a start, but I'm concerned that you're causing yourself a lot of unnecessary pain through mulling over something which really doesn't impact on your present relationship. She's asking when you're going to get engaged or married - it doesn't get much more committed than that!


I get that you're deeply committed to this girl, too. However, it's important in a relationship to respect the autonomy of the other person, that they have a history which existed before you even met - and let it stay firmly in the past, where it belongs. I'm glad you haven't done anything which you feel embarrassed or scared about, but many of us flawed human beings do some pretty stupid things when we're young. It's part of finding out who you are. It's only a problem if we continue with the stupid behaviour, but there's no hint in your post that she's continued to have a sexual relationship with him.


I'm also concerned that you're trying to get her to cut off contact with her friend. She may comply in the short term, but trying to exert this kind of control will damage the relationship in the long term. Whether she's aware of it or not, it will likely cause resentment which is likely to surface in another form.


So my advice to you is to look at the relationship you have in the here-and-now. Accept that you can never know 'the whole truth' about another person - heck, most of us have problems even knowing 'the whole truth' about ourselves! Enjoy and appreciate the fact that you are with a kind, loving girl who adores you, and stop needing to keep score about your past. I know a guy who punishes current partners for things they did before they ever met, and were nothing to do with him, and not only does he have real problems having any relationships which last much beyond the honeymoon stage, but none of his exes will have anything to do with him. Don't be that guy!

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She managed to help me get through this. They weren't even close friends like I thought. I guess I am the winner anyway since "that guy" was a period of her life before we met. She was considering getting rid of this kind of weird friendship for while ago but she didn't have a good reason to convince her self to just block that guy from her life since she is faithful and loves me. She told me that if that lame thing is going to ruin somethings we have, then she doesn't mind giving it up. She only asked me to hug her in return Thanks for your comments everyone.

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