jellyfish Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 I've been in a relationship for 6 years. We live together and everything was good, we'd get through difficult times and support each other. But for the majority we had fun and were very much in love. He started being distant two weeks ago and disappeared for three days. Then when he appeared back he explained it was because he wasn't sure what he wanted and he was confused. This was out of nowhere for me, so I started soul searching and came to the conlusion that I may have been distant recently and he had been working very hard. He agreed to work at the relationship but I still had this sinking feeling in my stomach. I hadn't been able to eat much and couldn't think of much else. So I was in limbo for the next week, he was constantly on Facebook and checking his phone but wasn't texting or calling me. As time went by I got more and more angry. We met up for a drink on Valentines day and he was the same distant shell of a man. I cooked for him the next day and we were still having sex. Last night walking home from work I wished for a reason and hoped things would get better. He wasn't in and stayed out all night. I had a dream my teeth were falling out and that he'd completely rejected me, along with my friends. I've since found out it can mean I feel helpless and full of anxiety. This morning, I went onto my laptop to find he'd left himself logged in. Lo and behold, I found a thread of flirty messages between him and another girl, instigated by him. He sent her a valentines card online, and it was a struggle to breathe let alone think. In the early hours he'd asked if she'd like to meet up. He came home and I confronted him and he immediately snapped back to normal, saying he'd met her on a night out and wouldn't actually have met up with her again. He asked if there was anything he could do and can we talk about it. I love him to the bottom of my soul. But I don't see any other way than splitting up after he has emotionally drained me the last two weeks and made me doubt myself. I feel I have to be strong and protect myself, but at the same time I'm completely heartbroken and aching to feel loved again. I haven't been into work today and can't face seeing my friends and family. I'm not sure what to do from here? Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 I think it's time to cut your losses. Do you really want to feel this way for the rest of your relationship? constantly wondering if hes going to go cold or be messaging other girls. Sounds like he's hedging his bets and has already emotionally checked out. I couldnt trust him if I was you. Lifes too short to be miserable. You know you deserve more. Link to comment
jellyfish Posted February 18, 2012 Author Share Posted February 18, 2012 Thank you for your quick reply, I think you might be right. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 I know it sucks. I've been where you are, not so much with cheating, but having someone yo yo back and forward between 'i want to work on this' 'it's over' and I didnt sleep or eat for weeks, when I finally ended it I felt SO relieved. There was no more 'whats he thinking?' 'does he want me?' 'will it work?' I'd made the choice to get out of that situation because it was making me ill. That combined with the fact he's betrayed your trust, that isnt something a good person does. It's like he wants to go straight from you to someone else, you KNOW you deserve more. I promise you it gets better. Link to comment
seoulmate Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 You have a long, amazing, life ahead of you....end this now. Take control of YOUR life - don't let others dictate your happiness, or worse, your unhappiness. Better to look back in 10 years and laugh then to be in the same relationship and start that thread with "I've been a relationship for 16 years...". This will take time to heal. Look forward to it. Let it be YOUR time. Nobody can take anything away from you and you will empower yourself. Make a list of things you want to do and have always wanted to do and START doing them. Most of all respect yourself. And no, I do not suggest trying to 'make this work'. It is affecting you outside of the relationship...I can feel your self-esteem being deflated. Screw him! You are better than this and do you know what...you'll feel so damn good taking control rather than giving up your control. Link to comment
DylanNotorious Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 I'd officially separate and get some distance from him. You both need some time to think. Then during that time if re-conciliation is on the cards work with it from there. But in the mean-time if the separation becomes permanent (due to your choice or his) then that's the way it will be. Link to comment
msphlyer Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 Hey jellyfish, I know this is an awful realization. I would definitely say to walk away now. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. If you leave, it will not only have an profound impact on him, but you will earn a ton of self respect. What he's doing is not right. This decision will lead to a rough road but we are here for you, and I promise one way or the other it will work out better for you in the end. I watched my best friend go through the same thing and she let it drag out. He lost respect for her and it was a downhill spiral from there. Let us know how it plays out Link to comment
Saffron_ Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 He started being distant two weeks ago and disappeared for three days. he was constantly on Facebook and checking his phone but wasn't texting or calling me. Last night walking home from work I wished for a reason and hoped things would get better. He wasn't in and stayed out all night.Lo and behold, I found a thread of flirty messages between him and another girl, instigated by him. He sent her a valentines card online. In the early hours he'd asked if she'd like to meet up. He came home and I confronted him and he immediately snapped back to normal, saying he'd met her on a night out and wouldn't actually have met up with her again. I think you know deep down what's going on. He's almost certainly cheating. Maybe not physically...yet! But nonetheless, as others have said, he's checked out. Don't stand for this. Link to comment
msphlyer Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 Ps. 6 years is a long time to be together. I should have mentioned that it may not be the end of the road for you guys but you need him to know this stuff doesn't fly, and breaking it off at least for now will force him to see that. Link to comment
Bella27 Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 Jellyfish...I was you one year ago. I had been with my then fiancé for a over 5 years when I found out he had been (innapropriately) texiting his assistant and spending more time with her. The weeks before I found out he was also being distant and even constantly in a bad mood. At the time I was also in a very complicated position in life, with a job I hated and I just justified his mood swings as a reaction to my depression. To be honest in our case the relationship had fizzled a bit in the past months and we had even discussed it but I thought after my work situation was solved everything would go back to normal. Anyway, I eventually did quit my job and just as I quit I found out about this other girl. For the next 2 months he went back and forth between me and her. One week he wanted to work it out with me, the next week he felt like our relationship was over and he wanted to try to work things out with her. It didn't help that whehe was with me the girl would text him non-stop telling him to please give her a chance to convince him she was the right woman for him. Anyway do you know when this back and forth thing ended? When I ended it. The day I decided it was over, it was over. So when I think about it, I just put myself through a lot of unnecesary pain. I should have ended it the moment I found out there was someone else. He swears to this day nothing physicall happened between them until we were 100% over. I honestly don't believe that but even if it's true, there was an emotional affair way before me and him were over. I'm sorry to tell you this but the whole "i would have never met with her" is jus something he made up because he got caught. He was going to do it. When I read your story i just remembered all the pain I went through last year and my sincere advice is to please walk away. Believe me i know how hard it is, especially after so many years together, but you must take care of yourself. If you need to talk about it feel free to PM me. Link to comment
Saffron_ Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 I second this^^ It happened to me too. I'd been with my bf for 8 years when all of a sudden he became distant, started picking fights and talking about how we were in a rut. He also claimed he was confused and suggested we should maybe go back to being just friends. He wanted to "take a break". Funny how this coincided with a new female co-worker who he was spending increasing amounts of time with. There's a lot more to my story but I don't wish to bring it all up again. Like most people, I couldn't believe it happened to me. I never thought he was the type, but there you go... Link to comment
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