Any thoughts on this? Is she right to not trust me?

[jonnyquid]

I've been seeing this girl since around late december, although we're not 'official' it's been exclusive and we were working towards relationship. However, a few weeks back we had a big disagreement about something that I felt would definitely impact upon the 'relationship' in the future and ended it (as I thought that's what she was getting at). I genuinely believed it was over as it was a big deal and I never ever give second chances for something i deem as a 'big reason' as to why i ended it.

 

We didn't speak for a round 4-5 days during which I had a one drunken sexual text conversation with a girl I know. A few days later she contacted me and basically said she couldn't live without me and said everything I could ever want to hear from a girl who wanted to reunite. After a couple of days careful consideration I thought I'd give it another chance. For the last week we've been taking it slow (as she's got a problems at home that are top of her list of priorities) but i saw her last night....

 

...i left my phone in the bathroom and she went through it and saw the text convo that i had with that girl. First of all i never ever expected her to do that as we'd always discussed this kind of thing and said we'd never do it. Secondly, the text convo was a one off, during the time we were 'split up', when I was drunk and when i was 100% sure we'd never reunite. She took it VERY badly, tears etc...which is understandable, but no says she cant trust me? I didn't do anything like this when we were together and i never would - how can i deal with this situation? Although I feel guilty for her getting upset, I don't feel i did anything 'wrong'? This has no pretty much crushed the chances of us happening. How do i deal with this situation? I've stayed calm and explained, but she wasn't really having any of it and accused me seeing someone else. I really don't know what to do?

 

Any thoughts?

 

Thanks.

[Moontiger]

Red flags are popping out of the ground faster then I can count them in this story.

 

1) After one month she "can't live with out you"? Weird/creepy

2) She invaded your privacy.

3) She got upset at something you did while you were not together. I could understand somewhat if you had actually had sex with another person (she would still be over reacting thought).

 

I would run fast from this girl.

[jonnyquid]

Red flags are popping out of the ground faster then I can count them in this story.

 

1) After one month she "can't live with out you"? Weird/creepy

2) She invaded your privacy.

3) She got upset at something you did while you were not together. I could understand somewhat if you had actually had sex with another person (she would still be over reacting thought).

 

I would run fast from this girl.

 

"I can't live without you" was a generalisation, it was more 'I hate not speaking to you/i miss you/ I don't want to lose you etc...'

 

I do feel guilty because she's going through a lot at home atm. Perhaps the fact she is clouding her judgement and making her act irrationally as she's never even been remotely irrational before.

 

Thanks for the advise. I'll take a step back and see what happens.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

What was it that broke the two of you up in the first place? Within 4-5 days of a break up, you were already having sexual conversations with someone else. I think that is more the issue she is grappling with. Sure, "legally" you did nothing wrong since the two of you were broken up...but there is an issue of sexual self-control and when the bed isn't really cold yet before the ex is running off to have sexual encounters or sex texts with someone else, it is a real slap in the face to the feelings supposedly shared during the relationship. I can understand why she would be upset. Being drunk does not change what took place.

[jonnyquid]

What was it that broke the two of you up in the first place? Within 4-5 days of a break up, you were already having sexual conversations with someone else. I think that is more the issue she is grappling with. Sure, "legally" you did nothing wrong since the two of you were broken up...but there is an issue of sexual self-control and when the bed isn't really cold yet before the ex is running off to have sexual encounters or sex texts with someone else, it is a real slap in the face to the feelings supposedly shared during the relationship. I can understand why she would be upset. Being drunk does not change what took place.

 

Hi,

 

She decided to inform me (having never even hinted at anything like it before) that she was definitely going abroad for three months in May and that she wanted to be single when she goes. Obviously as she'd never mentioned this at all I was angry and upset and thought well there is no point in this as she seemed 100% certain of what she said and I didn't want to be with her for a short period of time, get even stronger feelings for her and then have to walk away. I saw it as something that wouldn't change and therefore there we had absolutely no future. Since then she's changed her tune and we've talked about it and how long she goes for will depend on us etc...and if we progress then she wont want to be single. I suppose saw this as her ending things with me in a way and I felt extremely hurt by this.

 

I know she'll be very angry and upset at me, I would be angry and upset if it was the other way around, but there's nothing I could do about it. It's happened. It meant nothing. It was an isolated incident when I was 10000% sure we'd never speak again.

[RadicalDreamer]

It's also fair to point out that not only was it during a time when you were not together, but it was during a time when you were still emotionally distraught.

 

Some might say that it's downright insensitive to start sex-texting after only 4 or 5 days. I agree I can't see myself doing it, but it seems entirely sensible to me. You felt bad, depressed by something you did not cause. Serious lack of dopamine, serotonin and norepinephrine. You were vulnerable. Sexual feelings, and simply being desired can trigger those chemicals. That's really not that far-fetched. With the exception of actual drug use, no less legitimate than any other way of making yourself feel good.

 

I don't think you did anything wrong, but I can see why her perception of you might be a bit tarnished. In her mind she "didn't want to end it" but was "trying to do what was best for everyone." Only that's probably the "edited" version of her thoughts. Before she started missing you and feeling bad, she probably meant exactly what she said, and only later decided to change it to "ooh, but that doesn't count because it wasn't a breakup!"

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Okay, that puts it in a different light. This woman told you that she only wanted to date until she went away, and then she wanted to be single again...why...presumably so she could have sex with other guys. So her getting all bent out of shape is rather hypocritical considering she herself wasn't showing much commitment, sexually or otherwise to you. I think her getting bent out of shape is her ego bruised...she wanted you to wait and pine for her while she called all the shots. I think this latest thing she is using as an excuse to continue her original thoughts of dating temporarily until she goes away.

 

we've talked about it and how long she goes for will depend on us etc...and if we progress then she wont want to be single.

Either she wants a relationship or she doesn't. This woman is messing you about. I really think you should end this once and for all. While I still don't agree with having sexual interactions five minutes after a break up and don't think it is the wisest course of action...I think this woman is major trouble and she would end up cheating on you even if she claims she doesn't want to be single while away. Her heart was never into this and she has been messing you about from day 1.

[MrWallFlower]

I guess there's also the issue of this person you sexted. It wasn't her sister was it? And now that person and you have this physical attraction. What's going to happen with that?