sandrawg Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 It's funny, because while I do feel good that i got that response email from my ex, explaining better where his head was at, it didn't really shed any new light on the breakup. When he walked away from me, I kind of knew he was just an emotionally confused mess. To be honest, I sort of knew it, going INTO the relationship. That's where I need to look at my own issues. Seriously, you guys who are all clamouring for closure..do you really want closure? Or are you just craving breadcrumbs from your ex? He basically admitted that he was making a choice to be selfish, and have his own stupid superficial, flirt-with-girls-at-the-bar social life...being willing to toss me out and not even give our relationship a chance, in exchange for something a lot less meaningful. I came to the conclusion that my ex was so back and forth about our relationship...one minute falling in love with me, the next, flirting with other girls..I am definitely better off without him. I'm glad that, since he wasn't sure about his feelings for me, he walked away. Now I can find someone who will be sure. Life is all about priorities and trade-offs. Those of you who were dumped..don't you think if someone is willing to make the trade-off that results in tossing you out of the other person's life...is that person REALLY worthy of your time, love, and resources??? And if they come back, how can you trust that they've seen the error of their ways and will actually appreciate you, and do whatever it takes to make things work, in the future? I tend to think, that rejection is going to stay with you and haunt you, even if you try again. I had a rel'ship where we tried about 10 times back and forth in 4 yrs. I now look at those 4 yrs as a giant waste of time. I guess what I'm saying is...so many people consider relationships disposable. Most of us are better off, chalking our experiences as dumpees off to "lessons learned" and moving on, once we've had time to grieve, instead of holding onto hope of jumping onto a train that's already left the station. ANd hopefully, next time, we'll be more careful and find someone who isn't so willing to throw the baby out with the bathwater. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 I gave closure to myself because typically the reason is that the other person just isn't "that" into you even if he says he's not ready for a relationship or some similar reason(even if he believes it himself it's usually not the whole reason). Once I was able to objectively accept "he's just not that into me" I was able to move on far better than the overanalysis that usually occurs when you try to rationalize the "commitmentphobe" or "he'll always be single because ____" stuff. Waste of time and often triggers bitter feelings or jadedness which affects future relationships. No point. One of my exes met his wife 6 months after we broke up - I had fleeting suspicions that he was in general a commitmentphobe but I didn't let myself go there. The real reason was that his feelings for me weren't strong enough. Accepting that meant when he contacted me to hang out and hook up I was able to turn him down instead of settling for scraps with the excuse of "oh well he really does want me it's just that he's struggling with relationship issues" Link to comment
rainbows1 Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 Im one of these people who need to be told and after obsessively romanticising of a reunion with my ex (not sure why but I just couldn't let go), thinking he would come back some day, I thought I wasn't moving on properly, if he wanted me back and truly loved me, then he wouldn't let me go if I offered a second try. I text him 2 months after the break up after following n/c (other than contact initiated by him) to see if things had changed. They hadn't, he told me we weren't getting back together, it wouldn't work. I accepted it. I stopped thinking about us ever getting back together, and started the process of moving on. I guess if you can't accept things the first time you hear them, like myself, you have to just go for it and it either works out or it gets drilled into you for real. Sure, I get upset thinking its over forever but once you accept it, you finally accept they will meet others and mentally prepare yourself for that, you accept that you have to move forward NO MATTER WHAT and even when you hurt you keep moving forward because you gave it that last shot, it didn't work and theres nothing else you can do. So for me, it was worth it because it stopped me fantasising about something that wouldn't happen. Link to comment
ghengisT Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 In my opinion closure is a state of mind. Where you put yourself in the situation and where you see yourself going are important. In my case the girlfriend and I split up for a day just before the 3yr mark. It was all her, and feeling diff. about me. She begged me to take her back a day later. I did with hesitation. At first my trust towards her was not fully there, suggesting maybe I shouldn't have come back. We had a somewhat rocky year, but there were plenty of good times too. As soon as my trust had become fully reinvested towards her, she got that feeling again. Were both young and although we get along perfectly her urge to spread her wings had transpired. She originally requested a break & within 3 days I decided that I would not be comfortable being held by a string. I chose to cut the tie. After 4 days I attempted to pull her back w/ open arms. After seeing that shecraves freedom and her state of mind is not going to change, that was my closure. The next day I woke up free after 4yrs. Saw that I deserve somebody who is 100% vested like I was. I love her & miss her, but refuse to answer her calls or texts because I must let her have that taste of life w/o me. Only then can your SO realize what life is like without you in it. Link to comment
rig01 Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 It's hard for me because the last thing she said was "I really wanted this to work". But she came to her own conclusions that it didn't work before discussing with me, then acted on them before getting my side of things. I know that she really did love me, but her past issues got in the way of her ability to communicate, and I couldn't fix her. So instead she was punishing me for her mistakes. I know I don't want that in a relationship, but she's a very confused girl and I wish she'd just work on herself and get some help instead of getting some other guy to rescue her (ironically he's an EMT). I wonder if she'll punish him and not communicate with him too. So my closure comes from realizing she's not right in the head, and knowing she'll never really change herself because she HAS to be with someone in order to function. Link to comment
secondchance67 Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 exactly this...well said. She will continue her patterns....and the next SEVERAL guys will suffer at her hand. The new guys she gets involved with will come to realize that a relationship with her is almost 1 sided - they do all the giving and she does little in return. They never work on their issues - that would admit that they had them in the first place; easier to keep running from them than to face them....can you imagine the HUGE amount of guilt therapy would put on these type of people when a therapist gets them to see the light? the regret? the loss they would feel...the good people like you and me that they cast away like yesterday's newspaper that they can never have back in their lives.....that's why they don't address the issues - they are emotionally immature and in denial all the time...they justify their actions to themselves, and make themselves believe in their motives for leaving. The day she left you was your chance at a new beginning. get your closure from living a good life without her and her baggage......that's the best revenge in the end...a full life, a BETTER life, than the one you and her had. Link to comment
sandrawg Posted February 18, 2012 Author Share Posted February 18, 2012 Yeah..I guess what trips me up about this is..I DO NOT get into relationships with people I'm not in love with. I just don't. Why would somebody do that? That's why it's hard for me to accept that my ex may just not have had feelings for me. Because I wouldn't have paraded him around to my family, co-workers and friends as my BOYFRIEND, if I wasn't into him. Link to comment
sandrawg Posted February 18, 2012 Author Share Posted February 18, 2012 Ugh! That kind of push-pull-push-pull would've driven me NUTS. I think there are some people who just want what they cannot have. That's why I think it's better..if someone breaks up with you..unless it's over a misunderstanding or something..just be done with them. Link to comment
sandrawg Posted February 18, 2012 Author Share Posted February 18, 2012 Yep. Same with my ex. He's an emotional mess. Very confused. And also doesn't know how to communicate. If he wanted more space in the relationship to have a social life, we could've discussed it. He's too immature and inexperienced, though. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 Yeah..I guess what trips me up about this is..I DO NOT get into relationships with people I'm not in love with. I just don't. Why would somebody do that? That's why it's hard for me to accept that my ex may just not have had feelings for me. Because I wouldn't have paraded him around to my family, co-workers and friends as my BOYFRIEND, if I wasn't into him. Maybe he did and they changed or maybe he wasn't yet at the love stage but saw future potential and liked you. Link to comment
MissieP Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 Closure is sometimes good but it is also bad. You certainly are happy you got closure but at the same time it kinda bums you out because you know you will never be with them again it is over stick a fork in it it's done. Closure sigh..... Link to comment
Zero71 Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 My ex is in the emotionally immature and have a tough time communicating category. She has a habit of wanting the guy she's with to be in a rush with her. Within 4-6 months she wants to move in with the guy. I do think she has some sort of issues. What kind of person want to live with someone they only dated under a few months? Link to comment
MissieP Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 My ex is the same way. After 3 not even fully 4 months she is the one? Please... He is already trying to move into her house when he came after breadcrumbs with me in the past. Please.. Some people are soooo emotionally immature but hey his new girlfriend puts up with it so they make a perfect pair. Link to comment
Zack808 Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 Wow, this sounds like my ex. I thought I could help her but realized that it wasn't up to me, it has to be all up to her. Link to comment
Zack808 Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 Great response secondchance. It seems like we all have been with same type of person. Gives me chills Link to comment
Zack808 Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 My ex is in the emotionally immature and have a tough time communicating category. She has a habit of wanting the guy she's with to be in a rush with her. Within 4-6 months she wants to move in with the guy. I do think she has some sort of issues. What kind of person want to live with someone they only dated under a few months? My ex wanted me to move in too within 3 months of knowing her. Did our exes come from the same factory? lol Link to comment
sandrawg Posted February 19, 2012 Author Share Posted February 19, 2012 I thnk there are some people who can't be alone..those people tend to rush into relationships. If we rush along with them, we end up getting burnt down the road when they start to realize they may have made a mistake. I realize my biggest mistake w my ex was letting him rush me along into everything. He wasn't even fully out of his previous rel'ship. I should've known to put the brakes on and let him take some space to figure things out. My ex wanted me to move in too within 3 months of knowing her. Did our exes come from the same factory? lol Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.