I am thinking about breaking NC after 41 days

[secondchance67]

I have posted my story here.

6 year relationship - she cheated in year 4 and I caught her...she showed little remorse or guilt.

We separated for 6 months, kept in contact, and even went to couples therapy....she moved back in in March of 2011.

The last two years were a disastrous attempt by her to hold on., lie to herself and me, to wind up breaking up with me on 1/1/2012.

 

As of 1/8/2012 when she moved out, I went strict NC .

 

Except for an email regarding her bedroom furniture sent on 1/25/2012 - which to this day she has not responded to....going on 40+ days now....I am a proud of that, but now i want to break it.......

 

*************************************

So, tonight i was at a B-Day party for a good friend, he turned 50.

The place was bumpin' - over 100 people there.

I got to talk to a table full of ladies, all wives or girlfriends of the people I know.

They had heard from my buddies - their husbands or boyfriends, that I got dumped, and wanted to hear the story from me directly.

I pulled up a chair, and 45 minutes later, i was done.....and to my amazement, 3 of the 5 women were crying, 1 was very pissed off at my ex, and the other said nothing, she sat quietly listening, looked down at her food, periodically looking me dead in the eyes, and shaking her head.

 

The general consensus, from women aged 32 to 53 was, emphatically, that my ex left for another guy.

 

The ones that were crying couldn't believe the way i told the story...the depth of my heartache...the depth of my love for her...one said she wanted me to teach her husband how to love like that...the other one cried because she felt bad for both of us - me, for my obvious heartache....her, for what she has done to her life and what she will one day kick herself for throwing away.

 

The angry one was just that - angry.

She had been cheated on by her now husband....and still to this day when she sees someone go thru the pain and destruction it causes, and they CHOSE to stay with the cheater, just to get hurt again anyway, it reminds her of her own issues with her husband trust and all that.

 

The quiet one....she is the one that said this, and it blew my doors off:

(I am paraphrasing, but this is it in a nutshell...thank god i went to the car and wrote all this down so i could post it!)

 

"She left you along time ago, in her heart. When she cheated, it was over for her on some unconscious level, the thrill of the affair, now over because she was caught, held no more ego boost or self esteem adrenaline shot...you ruined that by catching her. She stayed with you not out of guilt, but out of sheer necessity - where was she to go? what would she tell everyone? It ended with a great guy after 4 years because my own issues, insecurities and self esteem forced me to cheat? You were too scared to let her go...so you hung on, most likely against your own subconscious better judgement. She tried to convince herself it was you she wanted...but it wasn't. And it probably really isn't about this guy she cheated with, or if it is him she is cheating on with you now. its about her - don't you see that? She is flawed...she has issues that run deep - insecurities she may not even realize are there. She left you because of her...not because of YOU.

I would let her rot in her own self made hell....why would you even consider taking her back after all that you told us? You are a smart, funny good guy....why settle for someone so far beneath you in every way?

If you think she is coming back , you are wrong. She is onto the next guy, in long line of guys she will run thru until she cant run anymore and has to face herself. Add in the bottle of wine she polishes off every night and you got a real prize on your hands."

 

I want to contact my ex, and call her out on her bull * * * * , , lies and deceit.

I feel i have made alot of progress in 6 weeks, but this is pissing me off....she "relationship jumped" and lied to my face when i repeatedly asked her if there was someone else....i am so mad.... i want to tell her so much that i am onto her game of lies and cover-ups.

 

Its late....1:30am....i will sleep on it......but i haven't been this tempted in 6 weeks.......i really want to blast her and call her out!!!

[lolgirl]

I am in the same boat...my ex dumped me out of the blue 1.5 months ago, for reasons I still don't know. He was doing some shady things behind my back which I am not going to get into here. Lately, I have the urge to yell the heck out of him for not only breaking my heart while we were together, but in the end, breaking my heart by dumping me! But at the end of the day...what is it going to do? Will it turn back time? Will it make him realize how much he hurt me? And even if it does, will it make him apologize? Probably not. I have my days, like Valentine's Day, where I just had the biggest urge to call him give him a piece of my mind. But it wouldn't have done any good. And trust me, the last thing you want to do is yell at her, and then feel bad, then it makes YOU look like the bad guy, and then you are right back at square one, your heart filled with sadness. In my opinion, its better just to deal with the anger because it motivates you to move on from the ex even further. Use this momentum to your advantage! The last thing you want is to feel sadness again and start all over, like right after you guys broke up. The best revenge is move on with your life and when she sees that you are happy again, dang...that will be the biggest jab in the heart for her.

[FrenchNatasha]

I know what you're going through.

 

I was trying to move on after 5 month of NC after being lied to and abused by my ex. He found a new girlfriend very quickly. Like an idiot I was, I was hoping, deep down, that he'd get in touch after realising what a great and loving partner I was.

 

Then out of the blue, less than 2 weeks ago, he texted me.

Told me it was me he missed the whole time. That he even stopped drinking (he was an alchoholic) and basically understood everything I tried to get in his head for the last year.

We had an amazing evening together. It's as my heart was defrosting.

But the day after, he ignored me. And then I fund out he went to spend the week end with that girl and all the change he made was for her.... He basically wanted to see if he still had power over me and used me for his own ego.

I was doing so well and he broke my heart a second time.

 

Now however, it's not sadness. It's anger. Deep anger. Understanding you've been used and disrespected so openly.

This is probably what you're going through as well. Realising that this person you gave everything to was laughing in your face, using you. Insulting your intellect and egoistically telling you what you wanted to hear in order to complete their agenda.

 

The first thing you want to do is call them and tell them you understand everything. That they have no power over you. You want your dignity back. I was so angry, I was tempted to do the same. But I stopped myself. You know why? Because these people are cowards. They break something then run away and when confronted, blame it in the cat. By calling her and telling her anything out of anger will simply push her away farther. She's already not getting in touch. Why? Because she doesnt care. I'm so sorry, it's true. She doesn't give a damn about you. Calling her after such a long time to tell her how you know think of her, will scare her and she might even start to get bad feelings towards you in top of the indifference.

 

She will get in touch again one day. Trust me. Why? One word, curiosity.

Be ready for THAT day. Because it will happen. And be ready for what you'll say.

[golfingjbaby]

Just my quick opinion, I know exactly what it's like to want to give them your piece of mind. When it comes down to it, I think for most, the sheer no contact will give them the most hell. They are expecting you to contact them. If you delete them entirely from your life, it will eat at them s.l.o.w.l.y.

[WhenWillILove]

I don't think you should be going around telling people your side of the story. Does she know these people? Because even if she remotely knows them, word will spread that here you are, suffering, and that will give her a self-esteem boost.

Keep it to yourself. Go to a counselor.

I know at this point, you simply want somebody to side with you and nod his head that yes, you are the victim, yes, she was the bad guy.

 

That's all it comes down to.

[purbit]

See the problem is is that you are still attached to her feelings. Understand mate the simple truth, there is usually another guy.

 

Your ex is deceptful, she lied to you, she cheated on you. She waited until she lined up another partner and dumped you, this is not uncommon, most girls will wait until there is atleast a few options on their plate before leaving, they don't want to deal with it.

 

You can call her if you want, scream at her, she'll tell you you were bad in bed and she never loved you (or something) she'll betlittle you and it will give her a great deal of satisfaction that you are jealous. The jealousy will probably make her more certain that you are a loser (which would only be true in her mind, she's the cheat...) and it will make her enjoy this new guy more.

 

So what do you do? You do nothing. You're cool here, relaxed. She made the mistakes and its her loss in the end. She was with you 6 years so she obviously felt something for you, something that this new guy probably won't be able to replicate very easily. But it doesn't matter, by not yelling at her, by not playing her games and by not giving her attention you are proving yourself to be of higher value. I can guarantee if you don't contact her she will be thinking "Why is he taking this so well?", "Maybe i'm not such a catch"?

 

You can do as you like, but I tell you the route for less satisfaction for her is by you not contacting her.

[purbit]

I don't think you should be going around telling people your side of the story. Does she know these people? Because even if she remotely knows them, word will spread that here you are, suffering, and that will give her a self-esteem boost.

Keep it to yourself. Go to a counselor.

I know at this point, you simply want somebody to side with you and nod his head that yes, you are the victim, yes, she was the bad guy.

 

That's all it comes down to.

 

I agree. The more he talks about it the more everyone talks about it. Ex's usually badmouth their partners, and there is rarely only one side to the story. If people don't know this they are retarded.

[dumPI]

Just when my BU happened I had a female friend breaking up with her boyfriend. During one of our talks she told me that her ex was not stopping sending texts making her feel bad, talking to her friends trying to know what she was up to and talking BS about her, telling her how an awful person she is, what she had done to him, etc. She then told me: "I just want him to leave me alone & I don't want to know anything about him. He has the right to think bad about me but not to tell me. I don't need anyone repeating me how an awful person I am. That is affecting me very much!"

 

When I compare that ex, and how I handle my situation I feel extremely good to have been in NC for 4 months and to not have said anything or pressured my ex in some way.

[playstheblues]

Hey- you've written some really nice things on some of my threads,(thanks) so I hope I can help you just a little. I'm at about the same point of Nc- maybe 5 or 6 days ahead and this stage is REALLY hard. Please just consider yourself. Will it make you feel better? Maybe for a moment-'then the longing will start again.

 

My ex contacted me a few days ago with a crumb. I spent the day crying (doesn't help that he is away this weekend with all MY friends) but his contact - even a 'hope you are well, goodnight' message has really set me back. I am now finding myself checking my phone, basically going batty over it. I know it's not easy when you aren't talking to them, but when you're hurting, it's not easy when you are talking to them either.

 

I'm not a strict NC advocate, but I do see some benefits. Read this - there is a lot of crappy advice around but this is some good reading that made a lot of sense to me, utyou have to go with whatever feels right to you.

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this, tonight I'm in a state too. Sometimes the days and nights are long and incredibly hard. Its not easy- NC is hard and there are times when I just think- where are you when I need you the most. BUT they have made the choice to not have us in their lives. Let them feel the full force of those decisions.

 

When I look back- me being 'supportive' to my ex through his hard time during the breakup did not help me at all. I thought he would realise how amazing I was for being so understanding and forgiving. I would still help him again, because I think it was the right thing to do, however, I would not think he would thanks me for it, because he didn't and he won't.

 

In fact, when I look back, when I ignored him (9only for a month or so which was the longest period of time we went between speaking before this) his contact kept coming - I mean initially for the first 4 months we contacted daily, but after that...

 

Let her feel the full force of her decision, and don't set yourself back. If you feel you have to, I understand and support you, but hope you won't be set backwards by contacting.

 

P.s. you are obviously in the anger phase, that is great news nd will help with healing. I wish I could get angry, but you need to be careful- leaving it and not acting bitter is the better way. If. In a while, you still want to say the things to get them off your chest, you will have had adequate time to think about how exactly you want to phrase whatever it is you want to say! Just hold off for a while, a week or two and then decide if you still want to go ahead. You can always write it down and not send it to her to get it 'out' of you.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

No good will come of calling her up. It won't make you feel any better. Liars will not acknowledge that they have lied. It won't give you closure to confront her. Unlike some thoughts in posts above, I see nothing wrong with the fact that you told your story to others. If it gets back to her, who cares. Her thoughts and opinions on the matter don't count for anything. If it helps you to talk to people and talk it out then that is what is important, not how she will view it.

[Jaded Too]

I agree with most of what has already been said. Whenever I felt angry at my ex, I would write a long detailed email out, venting everything that I had to say and then send it to myself (delete this afterwards so you're not tempted to send it to her). It feels good to put it all in print, but sending it to her would do you no good. You really do have to allow her to go into that empty feeling of not having you around. As long as she's bouncing from one guy to another, she's not facing her emotions that come with such a long relationship. Eventually, she will have to look herself in the mirror and deal with every emotion that hits her regarding this and you contacting her will do the opposite of forcing her to have that reaction at some point. ANY emotion you show her will stall the process of her having to face what she's done. As Natasha said, she will get back in touch one day, even if out of pure curiosity.

[secondchance67]

thank you everyone for responding.

 

I am pissed off that all of this has happened....and today will be day 42 of no contact IF I chose to stick with it.

I am never going to get closure.

I will never know the real deal, the hows and the whys and the motives.....where she really is in her head about this or who she is really with....if anyone at all.

 

These following things I do know, and its why day 42 is possible...who she really is, what she really is, and the fact that I actually owe her a "thank you" for leaving me:

 

She is a cheater...and that pattern will repeat...she cheated on her last boyfriend, she cheated on me....she is comfortable doing that - its part of her coping mechanisms for her own insecurities.

 

She has no ability to "feel" emotions - she is black and white, take it or leave it, it is what it is type of mentality.....that is difficult in a partner, i wound up spending alot of mental and emotional energy, while she invested very little in return

 

As much as i don't want to face it, she has a drinking problem...3/4 of a bottle of wine every night is a problem, time for me to stop rationalizing it away, and realize that has a component here in all of this...another "flaw in her character" that led to her bad decisions .

 

Her overall lack of moral fiber...lack of integrity speaks volumes of where she is in her life; at 32 years old she has nothing to offer a guy but her looks and her body....she is a shallow shell of of a person, deeply damaged, and in denial.

 

I don't think i will hear from here again; she has replaced me, and is doing whatever her screwed up thought process is telling her to do in regards to pretending i don't exist....because after 6 years, good or bad, it is not HUMAN to be able to flip it off, forget it, and attempt to have a healthy relationship with another person without as much as a thought about the life, the person, the memories, the whole thing.

 

I understand that she was most likely done with me back when she cheated; but she stay around another year+ for a reason...and whether or not that was a slow detachment phase or not, It just hurts and drives home the reality of it all - that it really is as easy as it seems now for her because of who she is and how she is inside - the damage from her childhood, the indifference, the inability the feel...all of it..

 

I am not that type of person.

The time we spent together will not be replaced with another woman, a one night stand, or denial of the facts and emotions needed to process this in as healthy of a way as i can. I don't want to rebound or hurt another person because of what she did to me - I don't want a cheap thrill or a quick fix to this - i want to go thru it and feel it and work thru all of it and come out of this when the time is right a better person, with boundaries, standards, anda clear sense of what i need to watch for in a partner, and what i need to watch for in myself in the next relationship.

 

Its really as simple as this - its the age old question on this board:

 

How can anyone just walk away without care into the arms of someone else, replace you with them, and seemingly have a good life so fast?

 

Answer that, and this board can shut down tomorrow.

 

After reading what i just wrote, maybe i should remember what a bullet i dodged here....and even tho it hurts now, i will see in time how much better off i am in the long run to be free of her and all her baggage.

 

Instead of yelling at her....i should thank her....thank her for doing what i didn't have the strength to do, and for setting me free to live a better life.

 

When i think about it, one of her last statements rings so true, so clear now:

 

"why would you want to be with someone like me anyway/"

 

She is right....why would I?

 

...after re-reading my own posts.....the answer is abundantly clear:

 

I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE LIKE HER

[Crazyaboutdogs]

The pain of betrayal takes a long time to sort through. Resist the temptation to contact her. She has major emotional problems and will never own up to wrong-doing. With people like her wrong-doing just does not compute (unless someone is doing wrong to them). There are some people out there with no ability to feel remorse over hurting someone because they only live for their own pleasure. Just take this as a lesson learned to run a mile the minute someone exhibits the traits she has exhibited.

[secondchance67]

The pain of betrayal takes a long time to sort through. Resist the temptation to contact her. She has major emotional problems and will never own up to wrong-doing. With people like her wrong-doing just does not compute (unless someone is doing wrong to them). There are some people out there with no ability to feel remorse over hurting someone because they only live for their own pleasure. Just take this as a lesson learned to run a mile the minute someone exhibits the traits she has exhibited.

 

Thank you for your words of encouragement.

 

I know in time i will be able to see this as a blessing - a true opportunity to hit the "reset button' and grow, learn and become a better person.

 

I will not let this damaged and broken person define me; her issues, her patterns, they will eventually ruin all her relationships until she owns up to the fact that its her that is making her so unhappy - not her partner

 

I have so much to offer someone, and if this person could not recognize it or felt that it was not what she wanted, then it is HER LOSS.

 

Time.... for self reflection...deep introspective thinking - about my own co-dependency issues, my own flaws and how to minimize their impact on my next relationship....time....to heal...to grieve...to live a life apart form that black hole on emptiness and painful regrets and hurt.....

 

Time.

As cliched as it is.....it is really our greatest ally in this journey to getting past the hurt and back into life.

 

Thank you all for your replies.

 

Guess what?

 

Tomorrow will be day # 43.......I weathered the storm of uncertainty today - THANKS TO ALL OF YOU......and i will stay the course......

[rig01]

She will get in touch again one day. Trust me. Why? One word, curiosity.

Be ready for THAT day. Because it will happen. And be ready for what you'll say.

 

I go back and forth all the time on this. Not expecting her to contact me but thinking one day she will. I wish I could do that; knowing what to say if she contacts me but at the same time forgetting about it and moving on.

 

After the breakup, when we were still living together, things got better. We communicated, we worked on our friendship, we were even talking about reconciling. One night - and one kiss - turned everything around. She panicked, and ever since that night she's thrown herself into a very abrupt, fast relationship with a guy she knew from work, who she now claims she's spending the rest of her life with after only 2 months of dating, the first of which she was still living with me. She started lying to me, disrespecting my feelings, and resenting me (in her own words, she'd get angry at me because it was "easier"). She started using me for rides to work and being friendly to me while lying about already having a new boyfriend, even though I knew what was happening. It's like it wasn't her anymore... or maybe she's always been this way and I didn't want to believe it. She even changed her decision to move away because of him, again, very abruptly. I don't know how that can work - right now he's basically all she has, because she tends to wrap her life around whoever she's with - so if this doesn't work out she'll have nothing left here anymore. But it also means she'll never get a second opinion about what she's doing.

 

Since I moved, I've been writing a letter. I don't know if I'll ever send it, at least not unless she's the one who breaks NC to see how I'm doing. But it says pretty much everything I want to say, not calling her out on her BS, but to very matter-of-factly identify the reasons why we failed. I would like to tell her all of these things, because I think she SHOULD know. She's still in the honeymoon phase with her new guy, so it's certainly not going to be a wake-up call. But since she's not talking to me anyway, I'm not sure what harm it would do.

 

I don't know what to do with the letter, honestly. Deleting it made me feel bad and I had to rewrite it to get all my thoughts into one place, but keeping it around and working on it makes me wonder if I'm not moving on properly. Sending it would be cathartic, but I don't know what effect it would have.

[secondchance67]

French,

Thank you for your insight.

 

I respectfully disagree on her contacting me.

 

She was very clear with me on that last day, as she was packing her things - saying:

 

" I have moved on. Once I flip my switch, that's it. game over. I'm done"

 

I could NEVER do that to her if the tables were reversed - 6 years is a long time, and there are 2 ways to handle the break up - with compassion or with cold indifference - she chose the latter.

 

I firmly believe she is onto the guy she had lined up to jump to (and I hate the way so many of us never knew our SO had the whole " relationship overlap" going on right under our noses!!)

 

I just don't see her contacting me...she is practically a robot with her feelings....buries them refuses to deal with her huge issues, etc.

 

I'd like to think I meant more than this to her - but as the others on here reminded me - some people are EXACTLY like her in every way - cold, indifferent, and when they walk away, they walk away for good....they don't look back, don't care - regardless of the length of the relationship.

That is about as unhealthy as you can get...and it is almost certain that the future relationships she will have will fail or suffer as a result of all the baggage she carries with her as she jumps form one relationship to the next, never healing or learning....just running, searching for that "complete happiness" ...and in the process will miss opportunities with some good guys ( like me - the BEST guy she ever had)

 

Can you expand on the "curiosity" though in regards to her contacting me?

 

I can't see it, but as a female, you may have a different view....would your response or anyone Else's on the subject of that "dumper making contact down the road" theory.....thanks again for your reply French!!