what do i do? is this love?

[aroseburns]

Tonight when driving around I wound up pulling over and sitting in my car and just crying until the tears stopped coming and it made me realize, I need some help with this situation i find myself in.

So I should probably start from the very beginning so you can truly understand whats happened. So this guy and I met and started flirting and an unlikely attraction was there. He is a video-gamer and I am...well I don't fit into a stereotype. But what he didn't mention was that he was already in the process of getting a girlfriend, and he was very much taken by her even though she was not yet his. And it was a shock at first because I was sure he was in to me, but I started to move on. But soon after I found this out, he asked me to a movie, as friends, but it didn't end that way per-say. Before the movie was over he had to leave and so I walked out with him but before we were all the way out he abruptly turned around and kissed me, and before I could pull away he turned it into a full on make-out session. When I did pull away he made a silly remark then left, but the next day he spun a story that I was the instigator and I was the one who launched a full on onslaught and he started saying how he had his girl and that he wanted her more than anything and I wasn't good enough nor pretty enough. I let him know that the games weren't appreciated and after a few sarcastic remarks to his weak retorts and ended it there. But a little over a week later he came crawling back after a day of going out with his girl (and her then dumping him after less than a day) but I knew I was just a rebound so I turned him down. A few weeks later though, I was assigned to help him on a community-outreach project and we were left out in the community on our own when he turned around and (just like the movies) kissed me and then turned it into a full on kiss but he didnt stop until I finally gave in and kissed back. When we pulled away, he didn't say a word and neither did I and we continued on with the project but when we were done and on our way back, we had a break in time where we were waiting before heading out, and he took that chance to resume where things had left off before, trying to take things further but I stopped him. The rest of the night we spent with his friends, and he spent acting like nothing had happened between us and I was so confused I didn't say anything, and it continued like this for a few days until he started acting like there was something going on, and I was preparing to end what ever it was between us before it continued, but then i dont know what it was but he changed his game and started "courting me" so to speak. He was sincerely sweet and kind to me and I decided to stop finding reasons why not to go out with him and just take a chance and see how things went and for a while it was pretty good, but after a little over a month of going out, I borrowed his phone one morning and found some very VERY dirty messages and photos on his phone from a few different girls. Needless to say, I was hurt and I was shocked. But I confronted him about it very calmly and tried to keep an open mind while doing so, not wanting to believe it was true. He denied it, but his story changed every few minutes and nothing lined up with the facts, but I didn't have enough information to be sure either way. I stayed with him for a little bit longer before breaking up with him because I no longer trusted him. He took it hard and kept trying to get back with me but I just couldn't. when we were together, we were more friends with benefits than anything else, we'd spend our time mostly on our own and occasionally spend time together where we'd kiss and he'd press for further but we wouldn't take it far, and I never realized this was our unspoken arrangement because it was comfortable and allowed me to focus on my education which was my priority. And after being apart for a while we were doing okay but we hung out with friends one night several days afterwards, well over a week, when we were left alone together and (like his M.O.) he kissed me before taking it further but we stopped before the friends came back. And without realizing it and without intending on it we started to slip into the same pattern we were in before, but without his sweet and kindness. I didnt like the situation but I started realizing I was missing him when he was gone, and wanting him around, and dreaming about us together 30 or 40 or 50 years from now, and it seemed...like the right match. You see, when we were together, we'd gotten to know each others family, and we all got along very well, and all could relate. You see, my mom and his mom both have gone through 2 rounds of advanced stage cancer, and currently fighting it, so we could "connect" on a level that most wouldnt understand. But now lately whenever he wants to kiss I avoid it like the plague because I cant understand what Im feeling. I dont know if maybe over the past few months I've fallen in love with him in this crazy arrangement we have. And I guess what I'm looking for is some guidance? My friends all hate him, and my mom and his mom keep waiting for us to get back together, and I guess what I'm looking for is an unbiased mind on the situation. Its like, I cant listen to a love song, or movie, happy or sad, now without thinking of him, and thinking of him makes me sad, and I'm not sure what this means. But this feeling that I could see myself with him, with a family, the whole shabam, kinda worries me, because right now Im not looking for the intense commitment because I dont want to loose track of my education, and I worry that if I get back with him, and I realize I can't do this, or its too much, that he won't understand me backing out of it. So I guess what Im saying is, Im rambling because Im nervous and Im unsure and I could really use an outside perspective and a fresh set of eyes to maybe point out something im missing or show me something I cant see or let me know what might be going on?

[clawmo]

i'm sorry that this is going to be really harsh. but i'm really scared for you.

 

1. this is not love

 

2. this person sounds like a potential predator as he pressures you into doing things you don't want to do through verbal manipulation or physical means

 

3. this person is a liar and is doing the same thing to many other girls

 

4. you are not special to him. he does not see any of this as love, life, or romance. he sees this as "how much can i get"

 

5. you need to stay away from this person

 

6. you need to make every effort to have other people, a teacher, a boss etc. around and not be alone with him

 

7. don't interpret any of this as romance, excitement, "he can't help how much he loves me!", any of that self-delusion. this person is a manipulator and an abuser