Rose30 Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 For those who don't know my background, I've been dating a man my father doesn't like (there is a 17 year age difference) I am 31 he is soon to be 48. While my father and I had been close prior to this relationship, he has really gone off the deep end, we haven't been speaking for more then a month and he has said horrible hurtful things to me including calling me a W___re for sleeping with an older man. Two days ago I found that he had hacked into my email found some pictures I took with my bf at a party and uploaded them on this phone, then he sent those pictures to my mom who lives in a different city (who is also unhappy about this relationship, but rational) and told my mom that my bf somehow magically uploaded the pictures on his phone just to piss him off!! As I write this i realize how stupid and crazy it is and I can't tell my bf or anyone about this because they will think my father is crazy!! so I just wanted to vent. I feel so sick and violated, god knows what other emails he looked at and what else he did!! So disgusting.... Link to comment
Kaytie Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 Wow, sounds mature. You are 31, not 16. I hope you've changed all your passwords?? Link to comment
Huntress0527 Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 Your father has some growing up to do. You're an adult. I would just let it go and change all your passwords. How was he able to hack into your email? Link to comment
Rose30 Posted February 17, 2012 Author Share Posted February 17, 2012 He comes over to walk my dog while i am at work and my computer isn't password protected ( I didn't realize I need passwords in my own home!!!) so that's who he managed to do it. Link to comment
Rose30 Posted February 17, 2012 Author Share Posted February 17, 2012 and the scary part is he still won't admit that he did it, he is still insisting it was my bf!! Link to comment
Kaytie Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 Time to either find another dog walker or lock your computer. That is such an invasion of privacy - and in your own home too. Just wow. If you are happy with this man that's all that should matter. There is a 11.5 year age gap between my partner and I (who also happens to be another woman) and if my parents ever tried to tell me who to be with (aside from concerns if I was being maltreated) I'd tell them to take a hike. Fortunately, they are very accepting and we are close and wouldn't invade my privacy like that. Link to comment
Huntress0527 Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 You father can't be trusted in your home alone. I would hire a dog walker or have someone else that is trustworthy take care of your dog while away during the day. Link to comment
Rose30 Posted February 17, 2012 Author Share Posted February 17, 2012 yea unfortunately it has come to that, my mom is coming here on Sunday and at that point I will take my keys back from my dad and make it clear he is not welcome in my home anymore and not in my life either at least until he admits to what he did. I understand some concern he might have over the age difference but this is very unacceptable. Link to comment
Ilona Crow Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 yea unfortunately it has come to that, my mom is coming here on Sunday and at that point I will take my keys back from my dad and make it clear he is not welcome in my home anymore and not in my life either at least until he admits to what he did. I understand some concern he might have over the age difference but this is very unacceptable. I would be wary of ousting him from your life altogether. Telling him he is not welcome in your home is one thing, but kicking him out of your life is a little severe. I say this because something similar came up between my sister and our father, but at this point no one even remembers what the slight was that caused it, only that the two of them do not speak. It's been going on for so long that neither one of them knows how to mend it, and the bitterness just grows exponentially. Think very carefully before taking this kind of step. Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 yea unfortunately it has come to that, my mom is coming here on Sunday and at that point I will take my keys back from my dad and make it clear he is not welcome in my home anymore and not in my life either at least until he admits to what he did. I understand some concern he might have over the age difference but this is very unacceptable. I think you should take a step back and calm down. What he did was wrong, no doubt about that. Prior to this you were close with your father. Even if this incident was wrong, you know that he did it only because he cares about you and saw it as the only way he could help and protect you, right? He had absolutely nothing to gain personally from that. He's just looking out for you. Have you sat down and talked with your dad about this relationship and why it bothers him? If not, you two should do that - he's your father which means you should respect him enough to hear him out. I mean, he walks or feeds your dog for you right, you owe him a little something, eh? Plus all that raising you he did. Link to comment
Rose30 Posted February 17, 2012 Author Share Posted February 17, 2012 Thanks Ilona for your comments, I understand what you're saying and I've actually been very careful about that. What I wrote here today is just scratching the surface. This kind of behaviour has been going on for 8 months!! Him calling me all kinds of names, making the types of comments about my sex life that no father should ever make, insulting me in every way possible and even telling me if he sees the guy he'll kill him, its not just one or two things. I stopped talking to him a couple of months ago, then my mom case and kind of acted as referee and we talked it out and set some boundaries and he promised he would stop. But instead of stopping he is stooping to a different level every day. I agreed to go see a Councillor with him to work on our relationship, but he was more concerned about what I might say to the councillor and how I might embarrass him, rather than caring about our relationship. He is just out of control and while I don't want to cut him off permenantly I think its the best thing to do for a couple of months, at least so he realizes and admits to what he has done. i have been a very good daughter to him since he seperated from my mom and for the past 5 years I have supported him in every which way and my reward was being called a . So now I am a lot less sympathetic. Link to comment
Kaytie Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 Yeah, abusive name calling and uttering death threats is a whole other level beyond invasion of privacy. I don't blame you for considering to cut him out of your life. Just because someone is a relative does not mean they aren't toxic. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 No man should call a woman those names and I can not fathom how a father could call his own child that. Your father's ego is out of control and may have been triggered by your parents separation. Maybe he feels this guy is taking you away from his life as well. I think it is best to take the high road on all this for now. Tell him you are not comfortable with him having keys to your house and get them back. Then have the locks changed as he may have made copies. Then it might be best to just tell him you love him but can't have him in your life if he continues to act the way he has been acting towards you and your bf. Let him know when he is ready to act civil towards both of you then you would be happy to have him in your life. This puts all the onus on him to improve or simply not have you in his life. You should let your bf know at least some of what is going on. It is only fair since it involves him and your father did threaten to kill him on sight. I don't know what culture you come from but I have heard this happening in some countries. Best wishes Lost Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 How old is your father? Has he ever exhibited this kind of controlling and out of control behaviour before? Does he show any signs of Alzheimers? I am just wondering if there is something that is medically wrong with him which is causing him to behave in this manner. Link to comment
Ilona Crow Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 I think the verbal/emotional abuse is awful, and you shouldn't have to put up with that. Since these behaviors have been going on for eight months, I have to ask if they are something that is in character with how he behaved previously, or did it really come out of nowhere? If this is totally new, shocking behavior, then your dad probably needs help really badly. It could be caused by a medical condition or a really deep hurt in another way. If, however, this is in keeping with his usual way of treating people, maybe you are better off considering cutting him off, after all. Link to comment
Rose30 Posted February 18, 2012 Author Share Posted February 18, 2012 Thank you all so much for your advise and thoughts. My mom and dad seperated 10 years ago, and while my younger sister and brother chose to stay with my mom i didnt want my dad to be left alone so i moved in with him. I am not even going to go through all the difficulties i endured because he couldn't find a decent place for us to live in and we were living in an area with alot of drug dealersll and prostitutes etc... i still stuck it out with him. Then 5 years ago i finished my law degree and found a job in toronto. my dad had gone through something very dramatic at work around that time and took an leave of absance and started working on getting his early retirement and moved to toronto with me. my dad is the type of person that is very paranoid, negative and doesn't trust anyone so needless to say he doesn't have alot of friends. what ever close family friends we have its because of my efforts go make friends and keep them. Because my dad didn't really have friends and never tried to date etc... i felt alot of pressure to spend time with him to make sure he wasn't alone, which i did without gruding it because i love my dad and love spending time with him. the way our relationship goes is we're fine as long as i dont have a bf, the second i get a bf then i am the worst daughter in the world. for the past 3 years or so ive been single so ofcourse we had no problems, but now that i have a new bf ofcourse problems started but this time its really much worse then before. with the insults, violation of my privacy, threats etc... I should also mention that my dad sees a counsullor, psychiatrist and his family doctor on a regular basis, and takes anti depressants and other pills, although i don't think it helps because he never tells his doctors the truth. He didn't want us to have a joint session with his counsullor because he didnt want me to tell the truth and "humiliate him". i've tried everything to ease his concerns, from not inviting my bf to any special occasions so not making any plans on saturdays so i can spend the day with my dad to turning off the ringer on my phone when im with my dad so he wouldnt hear my bf text me!!! i don't know what else i can do. I have been so stressed out especially since the last episode of him breaking into my emails and i just came down with a horrible migrane for the past 2 days!! I really appreciate all the comments and the advise thanks so much and keep it coming if you can think of anything else. Link to comment
greywolf Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 I think that cutting your dad off for a little while is bad, but make sure you are doing it for the right reasons. If you are doing it just to control him (to make him admit that he is wrong) then it may never work and will only make you frustrated and angry. If you cut your dad off, it has to be for you for your own sanity. Link to comment
greywolf Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 It sounds like you are your dad's substitute wife. That doesn't sound healthy at all. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 Has your dad ever been diagnosed with a mental illness or personality disorder? He is extremely unhealthy for you and you need to distance yourself from him a bit. His behaviour is not normal and he has become way too dependent on you being around. I suspect your parents divorced because of your father's irrational behaviour patterns. You have your own life to lead and you can't be held hostage by him. As hard as it may be, you need to distance yourself and not feel sorry for him if he does the woe is me behaviour. He is his own worst enemy. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 So your father is afraid of losing you to any man in your life. It is pretty clear that he wants you all to himself and is dreadfully afraid you will run off and fall in love with some guy and never see him ever again. Basically he has nothing but you in his whole life and is trying to protect it. Perhaps you need to sit down with him and explain to him that you are not going anywhere and when you do fall in love and marry you want him to be part of your life always. You do need to remind him that if he keeps behaving in a disrespectful manner towards you or your bf then you will have to distance yourself from him so you can have a happy life. Let him know his actions will dictate what you do. If he is civil and nice you will be around more, if he is mean and abusive you will stop coming around. He is afraid and acting out not unlike a child. Let him know the consequences of his actions... Lost Link to comment
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