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Forgiving and moving on... is this a reasonable request?


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It's been about 10 months since my boyfriend of almost 7 and a half years kissed a work colleague when drunk. We have been together since 19, and done most of our growing up together. I forgave him because he was really honest with me: he kissed her because he wasn't sure about committing to me and saw a good get out clause. When he was drunk and she said she fancied him he went for it because he thought she was hot. Nothing existed between them before that night, he told her the next day that nothing would happen, whether he stayed with me or not. He told me about it straight away, and broke up with me. He spent a long time trying to get me back as he soon realised he wanted to commit to me, to which I said no for at least a month, and even when we got back together, I made his life pretty miserable for a long time.


Anyway, he has pretty much done everything by the book: presents, attention, admitting full responsibility, etc. Ultimately, this incident has moved us from kids playing at couples to 'grown ups' - we have made a decision to commit to each other, whereas before we were together because we didn't want to break up yet. I feel that a drunk kiss should have been forgotten by now - it is cheating yes, but a pretty minor incident and we have since moved in together and we talk about the future. But it still exists in my consciousness and I find myself point scoring in my head. If he does something wrong, I think 'and you cheated on me that time'. The main conflict we have is his work friends. They are the ones that put doubts in his mind, telling him he was missing out on life by staying with me. And it was one of them he kissed. He tells me that he doesn't see 'much of her' but she is in his social circle (although he doesn't have her phone number, and deleted her as a facebook friend), albeit on the periphery. I feel he should be distancing himself from that crowd in light of what has happened, as otherwise she forms part of our present.


I haven't explicitly asked him not to spend time with them, and I won't completely. But is it reasonable to say that he shouldn't go out with them/have lunch with them, if she is amongst the crowd? I trust that, having been through the last year, he is unlikely to respond to relationship issues with cheating again, but her continued presence in his life does cause me pain.

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it seems like he is very respectful of your feelings anyway, in light of what happened. he blocked her on FB, doesnt have her number etc. since your relationship has changed so much since the kiss, it seems you can trust him. i would try not to worry about it and be happy that you both rediscovered one another .

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I think you should put a little faith in your man of 7 years and chalk it up to a stupid mistake that'll never happen again. You're just going to have to believe in him. It doesn't sound like his word is good enough for you, so let his actions speak for him instead.

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No, I don't think he should distance himself from his social circle because of this - that is asking too much. It is necessary for him to have friends and also necessary to keep a work social circle going otherwise he will feel isolated at work. Either you trust him now or you don't.

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I think you know you have been jury and prison guard over him since you took him back and may even like having the upper hand in the relationship now. Of course he will begin to resent you for it one day if you do not get a handle on this. Remember you agreed to take him back so you have work to do as well here. Most people that have been cheated on fail to see that once they agree to try again they have a lot of soul searching and learning about themselves if the relationship is ever to survive. I would ask you this: When is enough? How many hoops does he have to jump through before you are happy?


I despise cheating so don't think I condone it in any way but once the choice has been made to get back together it is time to do the real work of moving on.


You will never forget what he did but in time the memory will fade as the closeness and happiness you both share shines brighter and brighter...



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