Trapped in the closet

[Houston]

I'm 26 and still in the closet and it's starting to get me down. I don't see an alternative though as the thought of coming out scares me to death.

 

I've only ever told one person that I liked guys and that was a guy I was briefly involved with last year, but we fell out and I've cut off all contact with him. I feel like I can't tell my parents as they'd be extremely disappointed and in the past they've made some homophobic comments. I feel like I can't tell my friends because I "pretend" to be straight and to go back on years of lies would make me look ridiculous and deceitful.

 

I also hate the stereotypes that people have of gay people - I am not effeminate or camp, I don't want to go to gay pride parades... so I would hate for people to change their view of me if I came out. I worry that my straight guy friends would stop wanting to hang out with me as a consequence, I don't want just female and gay male friends.

 

Does anybody have any advice or has been in a similar situation? I've considered telling some close friends but really don't think I can do it because it would start the ball rolling and lead to everybody finding out. I feel trapped!

[CindyTime]

I am so sorry that you are struggling with this.

 

My son is 17 years old and had to live with this for years before he finally let us know. When I think back to all of that time when he had to hide it from his friends and family, it breaks my heart. Since he came out he is like a new person. He is so much happier, came out of his shell, and he shines.

 

Many of the friends that he had before are still his friends. And he is making new friends who accept him just the way he is.

 

He started by telling his closest girl friends. Eventually he told me, my exH, etc.... Now almost all of our family and friends know, but not all. He has been careful who knows, but to be honest, I think most people have already figured it out.

 

In addition, I am his mom and I know him well. I already expected it for a couple of years, and those last few months before he told me, I started feeling it in my gut. When he finally got the courage to tell me, I was ready. And he knew that I had already figured it out. That made the conversation so much easier. That was about 1.5 years ago.

 

So where am I going with all this....

 

I want you to be happy with who you are. The world is different now and much more accepting of differences.

 

I don't know your parents or friends, but is there any chance they already have a suspicion?

 

Are there any girls that you are really close to, where you would feel comfortable telling them?

 

It must be such a hard secret to bear. And after knowing what my son went through for all those years, my heart goes out to you.

 

You can decide how fast you want this journey to go, but I do hope you find someone that you trust so you can talk to them. I think it will be good for you.

 

I don't know if I've helped. Big Hugs to you!!!

[pippy longstocking]

that was a lovely post cindy ..

 

I have no experience but just wanted to pick up on something cindy said

 

I don't know your parents or friends, but is there any chance they already have a suspicion?

 

with the best will in the world , do you think none of them have figured it out ..it might be that some of them

sussed it and was just waiting for you to say something.

 

be true to yourself and I hope you can do this .

[BellaDonna]

One of my best friend is a coworker who is gay and 57 years old.

 

He lives with a partner and came out (to his family) in his early 30's. He's still not fully "out" though, and doesn't feel the need to be. He hasn't "declared" he is gay to anyone at work and I believe it is for the very same reasons you cited:

I also hate the stereotypes that people have of gay people - I am not effeminate or camp, I don't want to go to gay pride parades... so I would hate for people to change their view of me if I came out. I worry that my straight guy friends would stop wanting to hang out with me as a consequence, I don't want just female and gay male friends

 

I think there is a difference between being comfortable with who you are and allowing yourself to love, and letting your sexuality DEFINE every aspect of your existence. There are many other things that are far more important than sexuality. My friend would not deny he was gay if he was asked, but he doesn't wear it on his sleeve. It took him 9 years to mention it to me. He also told me there are some past male friends from college that he never, ever told- for fear of being judged. So even now when they are in their 50's and 60's and those friends come to his town and want to meet up with him, he pretends he lives a different life. Yet he says if they ever asked him if he was gay, he would not lie. They just never have. I guess each person has to define it the way that feels right to them. Sometimes I feel sad when I think that he hides his partner from some people, and the stress it must cause him to do so. For instance, I know when he had a family member die the funeral was stressful to him because coworkers attended and he was worried they'd meet his partner, etc.

 

It seems like a very difficult thing to do. Perhaps if you met someone and fell in love it would help the situation because you'd want to be able to introduce them to your family and best friends.

[BellaDonna]

I don't know your parents or friends, but is there any chance they already have a suspicion?

 

 

I knew my friend was gay the first day I met him. (9 years ago)

[FathomFear]

I also hate the stereotypes that people have of gay people - I am not effeminate or camp, I don't want to go to gay pride parades... so I would hate for people to change their view of me if I came out. I worry that my straight guy friends would stop wanting to hang out with me as a consequence, I don't want just female and gay male friends.

 

Does anybody have any advice or has been in a similar situation? I've considered telling some close friends but really don't think I can do it because it would start the ball rolling and lead to everybody finding out. I feel trapped!

 

I think the key is that you want to get to the point where you both accept yourself and accept others for who they are. There's a tendency for gay guys who are in the early process of coming out to really demonize flamboyant gay men. Ultimately I think it's due to internalized homophobia. Eventually you'll get over this and just accept people for who they are.

 

As far as friends go, it's really up to you as to who you want to surround yourself with. Most of my friends are straight guys who are open/liberal. They're pretty easy to find where I live, but I know different communities have different climates.

 

At the end of the day it's all about choice. You can choose to live the life you want to live, or you can choose to put up an endless facade for the sake of other people. While the former is never the better option, for some reason it can grip us for a long time.

 

And btw--assuming you don't have oodles of experience with women, chances are you parents know or strongly suspect that you're gay. While they might not openly admit that you can bet that they've thought about it. It's rarely a "surprise" to parents once you get into your 20s, assuming you haven't been dating the opposite sex.

[CindyTime]

And btw--assuming you don't have oodles of experience with women, chances are you parents know or strongly suspect that you're gay. While they might not openly admit that you can bet that they've thought about it. It's rarely a "surprise" to parents once you get into your 20s, assuming you haven't been dating the opposite sex.

I completely agree with this. After seeing my son's behaviors for years, it made sense to me once I started suspecting.

 

One more thing I want to mention....

The relationship I have with my son today is much stronger than it was before I knew. In fact, I think we are closer and we have something pretty special now.

I do not know your parents, but you just never know....something great could come out of this. For all of you.

[Shemilajon]

Hi

 

Trapped in the closet,still not understand what is this and what is its meaning what is its purpose.....

[RitaTrue]

And btw--assuming you don't have oodles of experience with women, chances are you parents know or strongly suspect that you're gay. While they might not openly admit that you can bet that they've thought about it. It's rarely a "surprise" to parents once you get into your 20s, assuming you haven't been dating the opposite sex.

 

I completely agree with this. After seeing my son's behaviors for years, it made sense to me once I started suspecting.

 

One more thing I want to mention....

The relationship I have with my son today is much stronger than it was before I knew. In fact, I think we are closer and we have something pretty special now.

I do not know your parents, but you just never know....something great could come out of this. For all of you.

 

This x2.

OP, I feel for you. My cousin came out to me less than a year ago. When he told me over the phone, he ended with a dramatic pause, as though waiting for me to bash him to the ground, or be surprised. But, like the people above have already said, CHANCES ARE THEY ALREADY SUSPECT YOU'RE GAY.

 

But, as far as telling friends and having the ball roll, that is a possible chance. This one, will just depend on you OP.

[Houston]

Thanks for the replies, they all make sense and especially CindyTime as it's interesting to hear it from a mother's perspective.

 

If I'm honest, my parents and friends have probably considered that I might be gay but I've not been asked. The closest it's got is when I met a gay couple who were friends of a female friend and afterwards they told my friend they thought I was gay. My friend mentioned it as on off the cuff remark and I laughed it off and changed the subject. Sometimes I wish somebody would outright ask me as I know I'd feel strongly tempted to say yes.

 

The main reason I'm scared to tell my parents is because over ten years ago my mum said in my company, "it must be awful to find out your kid is a * * * * * ". That comment stayed with me ever since.

 

I just wanted to clarify too that I'm not judgemental of gay men who are camp, I have one gay friend who is extremely camp and we get on brilliantly. I just don't want that stereotype to be tagged to me, some people can be very narrow-minded.

 

I know it's all down to me at the end of the day but I just feel like I'm in a lose-lose situation whether I come out or stay in the closet.

[CindyTime]

So happy that my perspective has been helpful to you.

 

I don't know if your parents are spiritual. I am a Christian and believe much of what the Bible says. This is an area where I have a disconnect though, honestly. It just doesn't make sense to me and I truly believe that my son did not make a "choice" to be this way. As far back as I can remember, even when he was little, he was different.

 

Before he told me there were a lot of little things I picked up on. Things he did, things on TV, things I read. It was almost like I was getting "winks from God" all leading me to that night when he would finally tell me.

 

I am truly blessed that I was prepared for that conversation that night. He had something bothering him, I could tell. He broke down in tears a couple times. Then finally he just blurted it out with a semi-grin "I'm gay."

 

I smiled. Then he said "You knew, didn't you."

 

All those "God winks" prepared me for that moment. How grateful I was to be ready and to be able to embrace a very special moment with my son.

 

Before I knew (or had a strong feeling), I also made off-the-cuff remarks as well. One time I even asked him if he was interested in boys, and he denied it (I did not do well with the way I asked him, but he wasn't ready to tell me anyway). I regret those comments and questions now. But I really didn't know yet.

 

Once I started suspecting, I started being careful.

 

I am a different and better person today because of my son. He goes to a high school Academy for Global Studies and World Languages, and he wants to work with international relations after college. When we selected the school it was before I knew, and in hindsight it was the best fit for him. This school teaches kids to embrace diversity and acceptance. They teach the kids about tolerance.

 

I have learned much from him and I am proud to know him.

 

I rarely make slurs or comments about anyone now. Most of it was my own ignorance in not knowing the meaning or history behind words and names we use.

 

I am telling you this because I am grateful for who he is. I am grateful that he trusted me and loved me enough to let me in. Without that love and trust, I would have missed a lot of important lessons.

 

Your friends, family, parents -- there may be something for them in all of this too. Maybe they will be better people because of who you are. And what a shame if they never get that opportunity.

 

I would be happy to share anything that may help you.

 

I'm sure my son would be willing to share with you too if that would help. I can speak from a mother's point of view, but I don't have any idea what it was like for him. It must have been scary.

 

You say that you are in a lose-lose situation....and I can see why you feel that way.

But are you able to be who you really want to be by keeping mum about it? Are you happy?

[Auriga]

Cindy's advice is wonderful and heartfelt, and I'm not sure what else I can add, but I'd like to share my story and some insight to give you some hope that coming out is not all that bad.

 

Last year, I was pretty much in the same situation you are in now. I was 21 years old. I was stuck in the closet, no one knew I was gay, but I just had the urge to come out. I guess I could have just kept the whole gay thing under wraps and not have told anyone, but I really made up my mind that year to come out. But I was scared to do it. I was scared how my friends and family would react, how they would think of me as a liar and a deceiver because I had led them on to think that I was straight, how I all the gay stereotypes floating around would suddenly be attached to me. These were my biggest fears.

 

Let me address the stereotype fear first. Like it has been mentioned before, I feel that the fear of being associated with gay stereotypes stems from a feeling of insecurity with being gay. It's because you aren't totally comfortable with being gay, and I don't blame you for not being totally comfortable with it, given how society tends to treat outgroups. But honestly, once you come out and get to know a wide range of gay people, you learn that the term "gay" is just a label. It doesn't define you; it doesn't make you this way or the other. The only thing it means is that you are attracted to members of the same sex. That's it. YOU define yourself, not the label. Before I came out, I used to think that gays were some how "inferior" to straight people. But that too came from insecurity. Once you realize that your self-worth does not depend on sexual orientation, that being gay does not define who you are, then you're on your way to accepting yourself.

 

As for your family and friends thinking of you as a liar, think of it this way: coming out is difficult. Coming out is a personal journey that we all go through at some point in our lives. Each person deals with it in their own way, and each person takes a different amount of time. It's not your obligation to tell them or their right to know if you haven't told them; you do it on your own time. It's about YOU, not them, so don't worry how they might think of it. If it comes down to it, you could say that you were figuring it out (you were, right?), that you weren't sure or were conflicted, and didn't feel comfortable telling them until you had figured it out.

 

Coming out has to be one of the best things that has happened to me. I wasn't a "flamboyant gay", so pretty much no one had any idea I was gay. Even my own twin brother did not suspect anything. But my family and friends accepted me for who I was, and it was not a big deal at all. Now, I don't have to hide the fact that I am gay. I can talk openly about new guys I met, I can go to gay bars without fear, I can imagine the possibility of living my life with someone who I love, no matter the gender. You don't want to be in your 30's, then 40's, and then even your 50's and then realized what you missed out on, right?

 

Oh, and you mentioned that staying in the closet and coming out would both be lose-lose situations. I think the only lose-lose situation here is staying in the closet. What do you get by staying in there? You lose the chance to truly be yourself, to date, to find that special some one. The reactions you get from your family and friends might not all be positive, but really it is your life to live. They'll get over it. If you don't come out, you're still gay AND you don't get to live your life the way you want to.

 

I hope you find the strength soon to come out! Best of luck!

[lukeb]

Where I would disagree with most on here is that I think it really doesn't make a difference how accepting society is, how understanding your friends and family will be, and they will get over it, you'll make new friends yadda yadda yadda. That doesn't mean squat at the stage you are at.

 

To change those attitudes towards yourself, towards others like yourself is really what you are struggling with. It is not what will they think about me, how will they react, that is not what this is about at all. The thing is if you accepted yourself they way you are, you are not even going to care what others will think of you, and the people that you have a good relationship are going to respect you for it.

 

Your only struggle that you have is yourself forget everyone you know, they are not part of your coming out process, you may think they are, but they are not. It is going to take a long time for you, attitudes don't change overnight, but they can change. So where you are at I would tell you not to come out. If you have accepted the fact atleast that you are not going to change, you have some work cut out for you. I would say expose yourself to the gay community, and you will find out gay people are as varied as straight people. check out gay support groups etc. Hopefully over time if you are motivated enough your attitudes will change. I wish you the best of luck.

[lovernotnamed]

I completely agree with this. After seeing my son's behaviors for years, it made sense to me once I started suspecting.

 

One more thing I want to mention....

The relationship I have with my son today is much stronger than it was before I knew. In fact, I think we are closer and we have something pretty special now.

I do not know your parents, but you just never know....something great could come out of this. For all of you.

 

 

I TOTALLY agree with Cindy here!! My relationship with my parents is so much stronger after coming out of the closet!! My best friends are all still there as well and I lost very few friends by simply coming out! Don't get me wrong tho: when I came out to my parents, it was very hard at first! It was very hard for them to accept and they stopped talking to me for 3 months!! But they slowly came back and yours will too, your parents and your friends love you and so you being honest with them is better than all the lies. They'll respect you more, and feel closer to you for knowing you better, and for you confiding in them and trusting to come out to them.

 

In my experience, it is VERY hard at first, and it takes A LOT of time, but once you get through the thick of it, you will feel SOOO much more FREE!!!!

[hillsboy678]

"Mom I'm gay." walk away let her cry it off for a few days and that's that. Brunt force way of doing it. I would start with a close female friend and explain the situation to her that is what I did. I won't tell you my coming out story because mmm not a good example to use and my family is weird. I am actually jealous of a lot of my gay friends whose parents don't care, support it, let their partners live with them or sleep over, or my friends mom who helped me and she was a lesbian and I didn't realize it. I would start with a female friend and work up from there. I would begin by observing and seeing how your family reacts to gay people. Mention something casual like 'oh last night I just went to this bar with my friend cindy and her gay friend john.' Something like that and see how they react. Some people obviously won't care, others will, it's hard on moms I think because there is so much pressure on them from society that if something is 'wrong' with their kid that it is their fault. Obviously we know today it is not something 'wrong'. You weren't dropped on the head, born wrong, or anything like that. I have found 98% of your friends do not care at all. I was the only gay kid in my class in high school, no one cared. You had like the one * * * * * * * who said things but that is all. Everyone else didn't care. I would describe my self probably like you. Not very effeminate, I did go to gay pride and it was alright but mmm yeah some people there really got my nerves. Of course there are some stereotypes about gay people (if your girlfriends know of course you are going to be asked to go to the mall.) But I would start with friends, if you know a friend who has a gay friend then perfect! Make a gay friend and talk to them to help you out. That worked for me, and today it took a couple years but my mom is ok with it. It will be alright

[hillsboy678]

I have to say that I would to award Cindy for being a good parent. Coming from someone who has mmm maybe not the worst coming out story but I'm sure mine is pretty high up there my friends when they hear it are like O_o. My mother is Christian even though growing up they never went to church. Second youngest of 7 kids and my grandpa was always working and my grandma was always taking care of the house and the kids. I am surprised since a lot of her friends who she had and co workers were hippies and all. But when she found out (my ex boyfriend ran away from home and decided to stay with me. I had a plot made up that he got kicked out and would have to stay at my house for a couple days and then go back home on the bus. Well almost fool proof. He gets to my house and the cops show up after we hug and kiss in the driveway his grandma who he lived with reported him a run away and they hacked his computer and got my address and showed up. Talk about a great story. my mom didn't talk to me for mmm a good 3 days. my dad came down that night and said he didn't care and to give her time. Dad who went to the private catholic school until 10th grade was ok with it and my mom who probably can count how many times shes been to church freaked out. That was when i was 16 I am now 21 and just last summer she was 100% ok with it. Like I actually can tell her I am dating someone. For the longest time anytime I brought up a guys name she would think we were having sex and just crazy thoughts. I am actually the only friend my best gay friend since I've had since I was 16 who hasn't had sex or something similar with him and am still there for him. I actually am jealous of a lot of my friends, their parents didn't care, met their significant others, let them sleep over, ect. My one friend has an older gay sister and gay brother and he is gay. LOL we are not just waiting on his younger brother to come out lol. I think a turning point for her was 1. Me running away for a week and living with my friend and his boyfriend in their apartment when she kicked me out over it. My boyfriend at the time wrote her a email which brought me to tears. 2. The movies Prayer's for Bobby. I came home one day and it was on and she was watching it I was shocked. I was in the kitchen and my sister said "I want to watch something else." my mom said "No I am watching this and want to watch it to the end." Family members, it hurts when my grandma (my mom's mom.) always tells me how handsome I look at asks if I have a girlfriend. She never makes any remarks but then again she is from a christian, conservative, family from Virgina whose family was kind of well off from their Tobacco plantation. I don't know how she would react, I know she loves me a lot and anytime my mom is mean to me I go to my grandma and she yells at her and sets her straight. But this is a different issue. My uncle who lives with her has two kids and one lives up north (From Michigan. She lives by Mackinac I live in one of the suburbs about 22 miles from Detroit.) and she hangs out with a lot of gay friends up there and my uncle has made some slurs. My cousin who is my moms sister's son has made several even at parties at my house and I pretend to ignore them though it hurts. My dads family is the 'normal' family and is pretty ok and I thought they would be ok with it but I herd my favorite aunt who was also my preschool teacher on that side make a gay remark about a co worker who is gay and kind of flamboyant. That also hurt a lot. Now my mom did tell me earlier last year not to tell my grandma (her mom) which I wouldn't. My grandma is 83, smokes 3 1/2 packs of cigarettes a day, stays inside all day, watches the news, gossips with her one neighbor, and listens to everyone's problems. My mom always kind of lies to her and says everything is fine at our house because she doesn't want my grandma to be stressed out about something else, which I understand. I wouldn't want her to go through that, besides I think she would ask what 'gay' is which would be incredibly awkward. But yeah I give Cindy a lot of good credit my best friend with the same name as me had a awful experience telling his mom and she was more harsh than mine telling him awful things if he had anal sex, ect. Took her 3 years to come around, took my mom 4. So I am just glad to see another good parent out there like Cindy, good job

[Je2011]

Hi, Houston

 

Coming out is an extremely tough thing to do. I must say the reward of coming out though out weights the the possible exile you could face. Lets be honest here some parents aren't as accepting, as coming out will prove to be difficult. However lying to yourself and to your friends is a lot more tough. One side of you is portrayed as this straight guy who doesn't have a girlfriend and the other is a closed up gay man. The longer you wait the harder it will be.

 

This will be one of the more difficult things you will do, I'm sorry to say and your parents will probably be disappointed (mine were) but time heals all wounds. I think it would be healthy you for to be open with new people you meet as to not continue to a lie. I am hoping for the best. Sending support your way.

[phearth]

I stumbled on this forum while searching for some kind of support. When I came accross this thread, I was kind of shocked because this post could very well have been written by me. In fact, it was more or less the exact words I was drafting in my head. Every contention and fear are exactly mine. We're even the same age, which is probably the most significant thing to me.

 

I wish I could say I was feeling encouraged by all of this, but I think this has me more scared than ever. I'm in exactly the same boat Houston, I hope you figure it out.