depression cause breaking up, do you think there are hope?

[Monkey ai]

my BF(EX) just broke up with me 17 days ago, same story as many people have been shared in here, I have been dating him for 15 months, it was very loving relationship, we are both in 40s. he have been low mood for last 10 months, but last 3 months got worst, withdraw from me and friends, no energy and sleep issues and no sexual desire... finally he send me a break up email( it was sincere email), as I still was trying to working things out with him…it really make me wonder if it is his depression or he is just not in to you, basically he told me that he cannot focus anything now and want me to move forward, he felt guilty as he can not be a loving BF. As I am not really familiar of depression that time (I know much better now), so I did accepted break up and agreed keep as friends, it hurts, but I will be OK...

 

I am no contact now for 11 days now, part of it I want to give him space, and part of I want to give myself time to recovery, as we have not really talk in person after our break up, but I still have some questions:

1. Should I send some of information to him regards depression, so he will start to treat this illness seriously, he is seeing a therapist on and off since he told me that he need figure things out for his life (he had very tough time last 4-5 year with cancer survivor, lost business and ex GF left….), do you think I should just keep light and distance…

 

2. Do you think this no contact will help him to better recovery? Also do you think it will help for him to come back to me….

 

 

Thanks for your help on this!

[Thorshammer]

My ex i am sure had depression, but i am never too sure if it played a major role, or just a back-seat, even they themselves wont be able to tell you. What he said is similar to what my ex said.

 

1- Would he be offended by you sending him information about depression? If so, i would advise to not send him info. Regardless, he can only take it serious if he chooses to take it serious. Reading something might not change his mind- but, if you both had good communication and trust, then its worth a shot, as it could help him realize if he does have deeper issues. But i would imagine his therapist would keep him informed about depression.

 

2- Yes, i believe no contact will help his recovery. Some depressed people dont want pressure, and they dont want a constant reminder of the people they are hurting (if he had depression, then this is something you might have heard many times throughout the RS), every time you contact hinting at missing him an being hurt the more you might build a bigger hole and push him away (for your sake as well as his). I dont see a problem with contact as though its not negative contact that turns into pressure and/or rehashing feelings of hurt and anger.

 

Dealing with depression is confusing, i dated a few depressed girls, and i still dont know what happened with them. I dont think anyone knows any better in these situations (and i am the type of person to say that humans are built on predictable habit) than the people who have depression (and thats not saying much since most are confused and not in control of their emotions and feelings).

[Monkey ai]

Thanks for your input! yes- still parceled with whole things, so far we are in good term in break up, it seems he just would not handle any stress and relationship now, I feel sad let go something is beautiful to me... do you think when he get better, he will want back with me... mental health is equal to physical health!!!

 

I am wondering if his therapist know how bad his situation...

[Thorshammer]

I dont know if he would come back. Depressed people are hard to figure out. I did have an ex with depression who came back, but she didnt have it that bad that it would show up in our relationship. I had another that just left and had a child with a doctor, then messaged me she wanted to abort it, and that she misses me.

 

The journey lies with him and him alone. You need to push off and heal, focus on yourself and your own hurt.

[learning2relax]

Only he can choose to heal. Giving him any info could cause him to reject it and be stubborn and prolong his recovery.

 

As far as getting back together - one never knows and the duration could be more than you can manage. Best to focus on you and letting him go. If it was meant to be then it will be. In the meantime, make the most of this time and move on.

 

So sorry that you are going through this. I suffered the same loss and it is pretty tough stuff - and sad. You will get through this.

[Monkey ai]

Thanks for all your input!!!

[rAFC]

Wow, your ex bf sounds exactly like my ex gf. She sent me a breakup email, saying many of the same things your ex did, also telling me how much she loves me but simply doesn't have the energy to be in a relationship right now and how she felt guilty for not being able to be the girlfriend I deserve. She has clinical depression, she had basically shut down and when she isn't working she sleeps. We were together 20 months, nothing but good things, never a fight even, but the last few months I watched as her depression got worse. I also wonder if she is "just not that into me", or lost attraction as others put it, which I think may be the case BUT I also think that was almost entirely caused by her depression. To a clinically depressed person, nothing is fun, nothing is attractive, nothing can make them happy (it is a chemical thing and not their choice and they can't just 'snap out of it').

 

Anyway, I simply replied to her email that I accepted her decision and understood what she wanted. I also let her know that I couldn't be 'just friends' with her, all in a very matter of fact, non-hostile way. This was 6 weeks ago and I haven't heard a thing from her since. I haven't tried contacting her either, just trying to move on with my life. I will say though, being dumped by email is not a nice way to drop someone, it is cowardly in my opinion. I kept thinking I would hear from her any day, but it hasn't happened. I do miss her and still love her, but I know that any pressure from my side will only push her further away. All I can really do is let her find her own path, perhaps someday it will cross with mine again, perhaps not....but life is too short to wait around for someone who isn't 110% sure they want to be with me.