hamza Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 So. I am a 21 year old guy. I finally came to terms with my sexuality late last year. I was seeing this girl at that point. I loved her (still do) but I just wasn't attracted to her. She was the first person I came out to and now a few of my very close friends know. I have this HUGE crush over this guy I used to work with. I am literally going gaga over him. I think, write, dream about him like 24x7. He has been THE only person I've ever felt like this before-and even though sex is part of all that I want, more than anything I want to be emotionally intimate with him. I just don't know if he'll ever be interested though. Few things, he keeps on dropping hints off and on. He's extremely intellectual and a lot of the things that we talk about include topics such as freethinking, this universe, God, people etc. I've heard him say things like "I feel like I'm part of these two different worlds." and "My family is very religious and I just don't fit in there".. he's 23. During the past few weeks, thanks to the advances I've been able to make, we've grown closer. We text almost every night for a couple hours or so. He's a workaholic (works in social media industry) and it all started with me making fun of him how he doesn't live life and is almost always too absorbed with his work and stuff. He's one of those personality types who live inside their shell and just NEVER openup. I've tried bringing him to talk about his romantic past but he's never very willing and always backs out with statements like "I have never been in a relationship" (is that even possible? ) and "I don't know man, I feel like I don't know myself enough. I don't know how I feel may be that's why I've never really been attracted to someone." I told him about my breakup with the girl and since then he's been .. kinda like backing off? I mean. I don't know. It could be all up in my head anyway. How do I go about this? We're friends but we're such good friends that I can come out to him right away. Half the time I forget breathing when I'm around him and that just makes things difficult. lol And then he invites me to events. calls randomly asking if we could go out for dinners or "I need to talk." He doesn't have a lot of friends anyway. He would randomly tell me he'd like to visit some exotic place with me one day or that he's eating at this amazing restaurant and he wishes I was there with him. You know? A slightly gayer version of things that straight friends do. Haha. And when I am down for some reason or the other, he makes sure he cheers me up one way or the other. He cares, that I am sure of. Last week, he picked me up from class (surprised me) and we went to have dinner. His coworkers had a movie plan that he cancelled (while I was sitting right in front of him) by telling his boss that "I got other more important stuff to do." and then he took me home, we saw a movie and then he insisted he'll drop me home even though it wasn't too late at night. We live literally on opposite ends of the city. I need to do something about this before I go crazy. He's funny and handsome and totally TOTALLY HOT. He's like the definition of perfection as I define in. I think the reason why he's so supercloseted is his family is super conservative (he doesn't think too highly of himself either, patterns of self-loathing at times.) .. there are a lot of signs that lead me to the assumption that he just might be gay but in denial .. but then again. All of this could be wishful thinking. WHAT DO I DO. Link to comment
hamza Posted February 16, 2012 Author Share Posted February 16, 2012 I live in a "Muslim" state, btw. We're both from center-left liberal Islamic families. I can't imagine my family knowing about this-Ever! And both of us live in such a sociopolitical scenario that may be impossible for you to imagine if you are from a different part of the world. He's also the oldest among siblings and his dad expects too much of him. Very typical for our culture, if that makes any difference in context. Link to comment
FathomFear Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 While I've never been in your particular sociopolitical climate, I do know what it's like to be gay/closeted and attracted to someone whom you don't know is gay. I would recommend, and I speak as someone who learned this the hard way, to not let yourself fantasize over him. You're just making it potentially more painful if the cards don't fall your way. If I were you I would probably focus your energy on having him as a friend first. I'd also focus on becoming more comfortable with yourself, your sexuality, and also fairly evaluate how you'd like to approach your future considering you are gay in an environment where that can potentially be a dangerous revelation. I mean, I'm in Canada which is probably one of the most advanced countries in this regard. We've had same-sex marriage since 2003. We have gay and lesbian members of parliament, etc. You may want to consider going to school or finding a job in a more welcoming country so you can carve out the life you want. Link to comment
hamza Posted February 16, 2012 Author Share Posted February 16, 2012 Isn't that way too difficult? Not letting myself fantasize? You know how it's like- when you have that empty space in your heart and all of a sudden it gets filled with this name-face that just makes your life complete. I really like (love?) this guy, I really do. For the first few days, I thought I would never want anything in return, just the idea of his existence and my fantasies was satisfying enough. But soon enough, I realized I need him to reciprocate these feelings or else the "hanging in the middle" phase would drive me crazy, y'know? And for the living in a challenging country part, yes. I am planning to move to the US as soon as my college ends.. I'll find a job or pursue my masters there or something. I've lived in Seattle for two years back when I was 16 but at that point, I wasn't too sure of anything so I never really explored my sexuality. I can't exactly spend my life here in Pakistan. People are too judgemental. I think homosexuality is a crime punishable with execution but I am not too sure on that. The local gay scene is kinda active but underground. There are a lot of parties and stuff and I know a few people who are into all of that, but I am like. Really scared to move into that direction. I'm so desperate for love though. This is exactly what makes me think all of this could just be. Inside my head. Link to comment
hamza Posted February 16, 2012 Author Share Posted February 16, 2012 If I were you I would probably focus your energy on having him as a friend first. This. Action step #1. Thank you so much for replying, FathomFear. Link to comment
aminaSa Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 hmm my male friends say similar stuff to each other and they are not gay(as far as i know lool),you could ask,,but it is risky Link to comment
FathomFear Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 Isn't that way too difficult? Not letting myself fantasize? You know how it's like- when you have that empty space in your heart and all of a sudden it gets filled with this name-face that just makes your life complete. Yeah, there's no doubt about it. It can be very difficult to do. Unfortunately, it's one of those things that gays and lesbians need to deal with to a larger degree than most straight people. When you're straight and attracted to someone, the numbers are on your side. There's a high probability that the other person is also going to be straight. When you're gay, though, the numbers aren't on your side. There's going to be a 90-95% chance that the person you're attracted to won't be able to reciprocate due to not sharing your sexual orientation. At the end of the day, this is just a skill that becomes important to have. I've all but stopped fantasizing about someone unless I know he could even reciprocate. If I don't know someone is gay I view them as eye candy, at most, and just focus on being friends. The mistake that many people make, and you'll see posts on this forum to this effect, is to spend weeks and months fantasizing, driving yourself nuts, and then you end up disappointed when you find out he's not gay--and then end up not even having him as a friend because you can't stand being around him due to how torturous it is. Link to comment
hamza Posted February 16, 2012 Author Share Posted February 16, 2012 The mistake that many people make, and you'll see posts on this forum to this effect, is to spend weeks and months fantasizing, driving yourself nuts, and then you end up disappointed when you find out he's not gay--and then end up not even having him as a friend because you can't stand being around him due to how torturous it is. Dilemmas, dilemmas, dilemmas. Link to comment
hamza Posted February 16, 2012 Author Share Posted February 16, 2012 Thank you so much for your replies though. I just stumbled upon to these forums. Certainly going to go down some threads. I don't feel like I'm emotionally intelligent. Maybe this would help. Link to comment
FathomFear Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 If I were you I would honestly take a step back and plan out how you'd like to map out your life over the next 3-5 years. Don't get trapped in the mindset of "No one can ever know. This must stay secret..." The fact is that there are other options. People can and have made lives for themselves elsewhere. It's ultimately your life, not anyone else's, and you need to do what is best for you. I'd honestly investigate doing school or work in a more welcoming country. Link to comment
aminaSa Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 what country is it hamza? i know Turkey is kinda gay friendly,i visited Istanbul and was surprised to hear they had gay clubs,and gay pride going on lol i am also a muslim from bosnia,and even though bosnia is secular and all people still did not allow a gay festival few years ago...both muslims and christians Link to comment
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