lezlak Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 my boyfriend and i have been together for almost a year. and just recently he has decided he is unhappy. he shows it by ignoring me and acting cold. when i talked to him about it he said that he doesnt like it when i force him to do things he doesnt want to and maybe we shouldnt be living together. he is distancing himself from me. well him and i have a lease till august and neither of us can afford the place on our own so i want to figure out how to make this better. he doesnt know how the relationship got so serious and does not think he can handle it. i invite him to come out and to be part of things because he has no other friends and would just sit at home and drink. he has no hobbies other than riding his bike and it has been too bad out for him to do that much.i know he is also very depressed and he is taking that out on/blaming me for it. i also try to get him to come out to eat with my family sometimes as well. i recently had him come home with me a couple weeks in a row because my grandfather was dying and that seemed to piss him off. he doesnt want to spend time with my family but then expects me to drive six hours to visit his. i dont want to break up with him. i really do love him and want to work this out. i need suggestions on how i can get him to become more involved with people and activities? i know that when he has things to do he is happier. also....how can i lighten things up? i am ok with not being so serious right now and giving him some space if that means we can stay together....i am just not really sure how right now. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 He doesn't know how the relationship got so serious???? Ummm, now let me think ... when you moved in together!!! I say this so many times on here that I am beginning to bore myself. I simply cannot understand why people are in such a hurry to move in with each other. It seems to be a requirement of just being in a relationship with someone nowadays as opposed to being in a committed relationship. Rant over, sorry. Can you not move back in with your parents? Can he not move back in with his, or move a friend in if that isn't an option? Maybe if you gave each other space you would actually enjoy the time you did get to spend with each other. Just maybe you moved in together way to quickly and the relationship went from being fun and carefree to boring and serious in 0-60 seconds. If you had time away from each other maybe he would make more of an effort to fill his time with hobbies or going out with friends. Link to comment
gardnergirl2 Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 You are not alone a little blue. I am old fashioned, so the whole living together thing isn't for me. Not to knock others. But people amaze me when they say, well, we are living together but how did it get so serious.......I believe that as a society in general, sex has lost its sacred value. Nobody (except four or five of us) believes that it is best within marriage. But people act like it is casual. It is the most intimate thing two people can share, but you would be hard pressed to believe it. At least physically speaking it is.... But to the poster, I had this problem with an ex. Don't like to be forced to do things. I understand that, but whatever happened to the concept of in a relationship I have to bend for this person? And, they need to bend for me? It seems like that is a lost art. However, if you do force him and he doesn't want to, it will backfire, as it did on me. I didn't force him per se, but he didn't want to do a, b,c. So, he was resentful. Maybe give him a little space and try to act like you don't care if he goes with you or not (easier said than done...) Link to comment
lezlak Posted February 16, 2012 Author Share Posted February 16, 2012 well we moved in because he both of our leases were ending. he didnt know anyone other than me and his current roomate(who he no longer wanted to live with) and the girl i had been rooming with for years moved to germany so i was stuck too. so he asked me if we could.... neither of us can afford to move out and leave the other with the place all on their own. its a one bedroom so that means a new roomate wouldnt work. also....moving in with our parents would never work. mine are 3 hours away and his 6. so i think we are kind of stuck right now. i am trying to give him space. i have activities and people i go to see.....but sometimes i wanna sit and chill in my own house too. and he is always there because he does not go anywhere and has neglected to make any friends in this city. i really do think that it got boring and serious too quickly....so i am asking how can i make it less boring and more carefree? do you have suggestions? i intend to work harder to give him more space. any activities we can do that are fun? Link to comment
Sim54 Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 So, if you had been single you would have ended up on the streets? Link to comment
lezlak Posted February 16, 2012 Author Share Posted February 16, 2012 i am sure i could have lived with people i didnt know. why is everyone focusing on the fact that we live together. that happened....we are in that place now. i am asking for suggestions and help for the present and the future....not what i should have done in the past. that doesnt help me at all. Link to comment
gardnergirl2 Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 I am sorry if I came accross that way. I just lost my boyfriend of 3.5 years. Looking back, I let the fun stuff die. Was too serious. Had to know where we were going. Now, there is a time and place for that, but try to bring back those carefree things that the two of you share that make you unique. I wish I would have, but I am afraid it is too late. Link to comment
lezlak Posted February 16, 2012 Author Share Posted February 16, 2012 gardenergirl im sorry to hear that. i am sure that was difficult. i think i am acting like you described.... Link to comment
DN Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 Is it true you 'force' him to do things? Link to comment
lezlak Posted February 16, 2012 Author Share Posted February 16, 2012 i tell him i want him to come with me to certain things. like when i have a family dinner or something like that. he makes up excuses and tries to avoid coming to them. it really makes me angry that he wont do those things with me. they happen every couple of months. but then he expects me to use my car to drive 6 hours to visit his family and i should be really excited about it. i just dont think its fair. an example of how things go: when my grandfather died two weeks ago he told me he would go home with me for the weekend. then he stayed up too late and had drinks. the next day after work when it was time to leave....he crawled into bed and said "really? your going to make me?" i told him that you said you would and it would be helpful to me to have him there. he came....but was crabby half the time. Link to comment
DN Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 I think you should consider ending this relationship - he seems very selfish. Link to comment
lezlak Posted February 16, 2012 Author Share Posted February 16, 2012 i am not sure if it is selfishness, immaturity, or just how he was raised. his family is different than mine. they all go and visit with his fathers family all the time but never go to see his mothers side. i think he doesnt get it sometimes because when our mutual friend is hanging mike is around us he will make comments to him about how he should/shouldnt do things. and it makes a difference. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 well we moved in because he both of our leases were ending. he didnt know anyone other than me and his current roomate(who he no longer wanted to live with) and the girl i had been rooming with for years moved to germany so i was stuck too. so he asked me if we could.... Were you in a relationship when you decided to move in together? Link to comment
lezlak Posted February 16, 2012 Author Share Posted February 16, 2012 yes. we were dating then Link to comment
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