calidreamin Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 When my mom has described a person you want to marry, it goes like this," you look past their faults because all you want to do is be with them every day, no matter what". She and my dad are going on 40years of marriage. So I believe her, not just cause she is my mom, of course. Im in a relationship now (almost two years) and I just DONT KNOW if its in love, or if I care about him kind of love? I don't have that yearning desire to see him everyday. I can go a week or so, and not miss him. Is that normal? It makes me think that this love we have is more of companionship/friendship love. Its hard for me to envision my life with him because of his faults.. which I know your supposed to accept. But, some of them I cannot accept in a marriage. Is this normal feelings? Is this feelings after the 'honeymoon' stage? sigh. Link to comment
midnightdeirdre Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 Hmm...this is a toughie. Do you not miss him after a week because you are occupied with other activities that keep you happy (and you figure he is content with his own activities as well)? To be honest, your "I don't have a yearning desire to see him everyday" says a lot right there. Why do you feel that way? Link to comment
midnightdeirdre Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 It makes me think that this love we have is more of companionship/friendship love. Its hard for me to envision my life with him because of his faults.. which I know your supposed to accept. But, some of them I cannot accept in a marriage. If your gut feeling says all of this, then it's def time to move on. Have you been feeling this way for awhile? Link to comment
charity Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 it doesn't concern me that you can go a week or so and don't miss him. i never miss anyone that i feel secure with. you know, once i know i'm gonna see them again i feel no need to miss them. bit i am concerned that you say you cannot live with him with the habits he has. thats huge. i struggle with that in each relationship. a persons habits has to be overlooked if a relationship is to work. so i think its important that a persons habits are tolerable to their partner. for example i could handle a habit such as someone being late all the time therefore i could be compatible with that person ,but it could drive someone else crazy. therefore they would not be compatible. Link to comment
april15 Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 It seems to me that "Missing someone" needs to be defined. I have a very full life and if you were to pluck my wife out, I could go several days before something came up where I would need my wife physically available to complete an event but I would probably "miss" her in the first few hours. Something would come up that I would want her opinion or that I would generally share with her because it is something that we have a common concern or interest in. Having her there to share those things with as well as those things enriches those interest and events. I also think that I have an interest in many things in her life that have no connection to me because I care about my wife and knowing these things can help me have a better understanding of my wife and her life. Let's face it sometimes people just need to vent and I will take that role for my wife when I am needed. I think people have different levels of need when it comes to sharing their life. Perhaps your level is far lower than that of mine or your mothers. If you do not ever feel the need to share your life with your significant other or have a desire for them to want to confide in you then perhaps there is not that spark or what your mom would call love. Every woman I have felt truly connected to and would say that I was "in love" with, I have wanted that sharing our lives, that desire to experience things with her. Having that connection taken away on one occasion was one of the most profound emotional pains I have ever experienced, on the same level as losing my father. Link to comment
Liraele Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 My mom's definition is far more simplistic even than yours. It's this: Do you want to spend your life with this person? If yes, then (reasonable) compromises need to be made, as well as effort to maintain and nurture the relationship. If no, then you move on. If, after 2 years, you don't think you want to spend your life with someone, or quite simply can't imagine spending your life with them, then I think you have your answer. Love is different for different people - for some people it is contentedness, stability, security - rather than a fuzzy, bubbly, tingly feeling, etc. Link to comment
calidreamin Posted February 16, 2012 Author Share Posted February 16, 2012 MY biggest issue is he is VERY needy. I am independent BUT I am a very nurturing/caring person... I consider myself fairly balanced (of course i do, lol). For example: we are going out of town. I HAVE TO PLAN everything. Every single thing...hotels, transportation, etc. I would like someone that would say "hey you make the hotel, Ill do this..etc.. OR "do you need help with anything?" He asks me questions on things I feel should be no brainers... "should I pay my car bill or buy this school book".. its like seriously?! def. your car would be the priority. I have to remind him to save money for laundry, etc.. HE says he hates being overweight.. And I've given him really easy suggestions/ideas.. IE make a few meals at a time, etc.. freeze meals, etc. But still he sulks in it, instead of saying of "trying". Just these things, that makes me SECOND GUESS him being in a father/family role. What happens, god forbid we were married and something happened to me... would he be completely helpless? It really honestly worries me, I have discussed this stuff with him... but... doesn't penetrate. Just don't know what to do. Link to comment
april15 Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 Seems to me from what you have told us here, if you stay your are settling. That is a bad thing to do with something you want to last for a long time, you are setting yourself up for years of frustration. Link to comment
calidreamin Posted March 12, 2012 Author Share Posted March 12, 2012 Hi I forgot to write back on this post! I definitely think I am settling. My plan is to write a letter to him that I would say during a break up. Im going to hold onto it for 2 weeks. If my feelings are the same in 2 weeks...then I am going to HAVE to break up with him. I cannot keep living like this... I am revolted by him... and its not changing... sex with him seems like a chore... and most the time he isn't clean... IE hasnt showered, dirty clothes. Its been keeping me up the past few nights.. and I can't ignore my sigh. relationships. Link to comment
Minx2012 Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 It's a good thing that you realised ( and taking the step ) to break up with him. He revolts you and you think that sex with him is a chore. It's DEFINITELY time to move on. Link to comment
figur Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 This definitely sounds like a relationship you need to move on from. Many people are happy to play total caretaker, you are not. That is perfectly fine. Stories like this strike close to home to me. My only live-in boyfriend was very needy and practically helpless. I would have to find his school books to buy online, or he wanted me to schedule doctor or hair appointments. Hello! I am not your mother! Actions like that that are one time are no big deal - but when it becomes expected, it will tear you down. Do what's right for you at this point and just let him go. Link to comment
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