Missher Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 I've recently broken up with my ex girlfriend of 6 years because she cheated on me. I am pretty sure she is now seeing him since we broke up but I am not certain. When I found out she cheated she bawled her eyes out saying she "regrets it" and how I am "everything" to her. Well 2 weeks passed and we were in a "limbo". We had sex twice, but I told her I couldn't talk to her anymore. Well I broke that almost a day after and basically lost my dignity and begged for her back and I told her how "I forgive her and I love her to death". She responded saying she loves me but wants "space" to figure out why she cheated on me in the first place. Well after this we basically stopped texting. She has not once tried to contact me in 2 weeks. I regrettably texted her on valentines day wishing her a happy one, told her I still loved her and miss her. She responded saying she missing me everyday, "loves me to death". I then preceded to ask her to dinner that night but she "busy". That was the last time I contacted her. Why would she says she still loves me and "misses me"? I honestly don't get how it's so easy for her to walk away, even if there is a new guy in the picture, I was with her for 6 and a half years every single day. Do you think she will ever contact me, and ask for me back? Ive made a promise to myself not to intiate contact. I know everyone is going to say move on.... and I am.. slowly. I just would love for her to crawl back so I could shove it in her face. Link to comment
deedee77 Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 I know exactly the feeling you are speaking of. Its almost like no matter what they do to you you would forgive it. You give them all the power and in turn they dont desire you. Everyone on here will tell you to move on and they will be right but it is the hardest thing in the world to do when you still love them and just wish things could go back to how they were. Truth is and it may hurt...but this person sees you as too weak just now, they know what they did is wrong and they know they dont deserve to be forgiven so easily. They dont desire yopu, theres no mystery anymore and no challenge. The best thing you can do (all be it the hardest) is to try and forget her. To fill your life with positive things, have fun and make sure she knows thats exactly what you are doing (without calling her up and telling her). If she contacts you dont tell her how u feel. Dont me nasty, emotional, angry, spiteful - show as little emotion as possible. Just say you hope she is doing well and sorting herself out and that you also needed some time to find yourself again. If she mentions getting back/meeting up say you dont want to discuss it just now but that you could maybe go for coffee/dinner etc (dont go to each others houses) and just enjoy each others company agian (dont mention anything about relationship, just smile, be happy and positive throughout). If this doesnt make her realise what she has temporarily lost then its time to call it a day - make her work for you, your a prize boyfriend but she has a tuff sweat to go through to get you back. Link to comment
oolochNESSoo Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 So strange! I was in a relationship for what would have been 7 yrs this April. I found out she was seeing someone else in December, and now they are together and even living with eachother. The thing is, the 2 times we have seen eachother after the breakup, we kissed. We have txtd, emailed and called eachother since December. But last Friday, the girl shes with found out we were still in contact. My EX called me & acted like a complete jerk. She denied EVERYTHING. Now the thing is, I was on speakerphone so I know the "new girl" was listening. I basically let it all out. I told her exactly what has been going on & that we even kissed. Ive heard through mutual friends that my ex is really pissed and wants nothing to do with me. She has no reason to be upset. Everything I said was the truth! So now we are no longer speaking, and maybe thats for the best. Like I said before, we had been in constant contact since the breakup, so maybe her not wanting to speak to me will help w/the NC. I still love her though. And I know she still loves me. Not only because she has told me, but because her friends have told me as well. I dont think that our EX'S can just let 6+ years go just like that! Theres too many memories... And if they do, than they arent the people we thought they were. I often wonder too if she will contact me... Link to comment
Missher Posted February 16, 2012 Author Share Posted February 16, 2012 I just don't understand how she can be ok with not getting back with me. I honestly had no idea she was cheating... She was so lovey, and would get upset if I was upset. Then she begged for my forgiveness. I forgave her but she all of a sudden doesn't care about me? She never tries to get a hold of me or hangout. It makes me so angry how it's so easy for her! Do you think she will eventually try to contact me? Link to comment
Saffron_ Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 If you carry on acting this way, then no she'll never crawl back because she knows you'll do the crawling. You've basically made yourself a doormat. She's the one that was in the wrong. She cheated, yet you begged for her back and told her how much you loved her?! It should have been the other way around. You need to get tough about this. Stop chasing her! Cut her out completely. If she loves you and truly regrets her actions, she'll realise and come back asking for forgiveness...but since you've already offered forgiveness, I don't know... We had sex twice, but I told her I couldn't talk to her anymore. Well I broke that almost a day after and basically lost my dignity and begged for her back and I told her how "I forgive her and I love her to death". She responded saying she loves me but wants "space" to figure out why she cheated on me in the first place. Well after this we basically stopped texting. She has not once tried to contact me in 2 weeks. She's got your balls in a vice here! Link to comment
Missher Posted February 16, 2012 Author Share Posted February 16, 2012 I know I know.. I was a doormat. And I made a promise to not text her unless she contacts me. I just don't get it at all. It's like I never knew her. Link to comment
Missher Posted February 16, 2012 Author Share Posted February 16, 2012 I know I will eventually move on, it's just like I wonder if she ever even cared about me. Like this whole thing is making me so bitter, I gave her everything. And I honestly even till the end thought she was madly in love with me. Does she even miss the person she spent every single day with for 6 and a half years? Link to comment
Saffron_ Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 I know I know.. I was a doormat. And I made a promise to not text her unless she contacts me. I just don't get it at all. It's like I never knew her. It's always hard to believe someone you love would do that to you. Everyone wonders, why me? Whatever you do, don't offer forgiveness too quickly. If you two do decide to get back together, you need to insist that she has no further contact with the guy she cheated on you with and you have to let her know that if she cheats again, you won't forgive. Remember, once a mistake, twice a habit! Whether or not there were problems in your relationship, that doesn't justify her cheating. Betrayal is betrayal and even if you think you forgive someone, you might find that somewhere down the line, you really haven't forgiven at all. You just said you did because you were hurting and wanted her back. Take some time to digest all that's happened before you make any rash decisions. Oh and try not to become bitter. Not easy I know but ultimately you prolong your suffering by being that way. Link to comment
Missher Posted February 16, 2012 Author Share Posted February 16, 2012 Your right, I just said it like "I forgive you and we can work through this" and she responded how she needed space cause she "didn't know why she cheated". Yet, the last time I talked to her which was Valentines day she told me she misses me, and will Love me to death. I am going to do no contact and try to get over her, and the last thing I said was "Ill always love you". IF I go NC indefinatly do you think she will eventually want to talk to me? Part of me knows I should let go, but if she did want to work things out I would at least know I actually meant more to her. You know what I mean? Link to comment
Saffron_ Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 I can't answer that Missher. Nobody can. I mean, if you can't predict that a person will cheat, you can't predict whether they'll come back, or regret their actions, or leave for the person they cheated with. No one knows. That may not be what you want to hear but it's the honest truth. Pay attention to her actions and not her words. And be on your guard just in case she's using you as a 'fall back' incase her new relationship (if she's in one, which she might be) doesn't work out. That happens A LOT. If she's seeing the guy she cheated with, she. is. using. you!!! Plain and simple. She's keeping you on the hook and telling you what you what to hear because she knows it'll keep you in her life. I hope that's not the case but I suspect it might be. Stop telling you you love her. It really is best to stay away from a person like this. I've mentioned this before on other threads but it's important so I'll say it again. Sticking around when your ex is in a new relationship doesn't help your chances of getting them back. Quite the opposite! In fact, more often than not, it strengthens the ex's new relationship with the new partner! I'm glad you're going NC. Don't stick around!!! Link to comment
Missher Posted February 16, 2012 Author Share Posted February 16, 2012 Your right. I just have to focus on myself. Just I'm trying to hate her, I just can't. It's like she has a hold on me! I try focusing on the digusting thing she has done but that isn't enough. I guess I just have to take it day by day. =-/ Link to comment
oolochNESSoo Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 im right there w/you... all we can do is take it day by day. if they were meant for us, they will come back. if not, why do we want to be with them anyway? we cannot force someone to love us!! its been 2 months since my breakup, and im SLOWLY but surely starting to see this. I know I have a long way to go and I definitely have my good days and some really bad days, but Im taking the next step- healing myself. Link to comment
loveseeker1 Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 Great advise from Saffron_, you should listen to it. I'm in a very similar situation, she had been cheating on me for 3-4 months while I work abroad, building a better life for US! Now, well there is no us. After I found out, I said some nasty things, went home for a week and we got along as normal. Then, just before I left to come back to work, she said no, she can not do this. I was too pushy on the physical side of things and she wanted me to leave. And I did. I emailed her 2 weeks later, but only got small responses about how everyone knows what she did etc. I've been in NC for 11 days now. She is out with her girlfriends clubbing tonight and I feel like crap! But during the day, I block her out. It's when I get home thats difficult. My advise, walk away from this one! Everyone I have spoken to has said the same thing. I have deleted her messages, emails, numbers and photos. Deactivated my Facebook for a while (so i stop looking at her profile) and am just spending some time with me. I know deep down we will never work beyond what she done, and apart from her father getting in touch every once in a while, I have to move on! You should do the same! Do not be her friend, do not contact her, get fit, smile and think of what she got up to with some other guy instead of you. That makes me soooo angry (and is why I said some pretty disrespectful things to her, which she blames on why we split!!! Like hello, you slept with someone, hahaha) If you need any advice, just shout Link to comment
smb80 Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 The reason it's easy for her to just walk away is because she did that a long time ago.. emotionally I believe. The last step was walking away physically. The cheating part is an example of how she made up her mind awhile back.. that's why it seem's confusing how someone can just suddenly walk away, when in fact they walked away long before. It sucks to hear I know.... and it's just an opinion. She wants time to figure things out, so you should take the time to see if you even want to take her back after the cheating and blowing you off. In the end, if things don't work out, be the one who gain's the most out of it, coming out a better person and working on yourself. Chances are she'll stay the same thinking nothing's wrong with her, and bring the same baggage to her next relationship, and cheat on him as well or the other way around. In the end you'll be just fine! Time really does heal what you need it to. Link to comment
playalovegame Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 My boyfriend recently broke up with me, for reasons very much unlike this. But still, I know exactly where you are coming from. Creating distance and trying to focus on yourself is the hardest part of any breakup. For me, it's only been 2 weeks, yet it feels like 2 years. Everyday goes really slowly, and like you said, there's those moments when you just find yourself at home at night and you can't stop thinking about them. Everyone who says try no contact is saying the right thing. If you act needy and desperate, there is no "fun" anymore for her. She already has you on a leash and you aren't even together anymore, therefore, why would she continue to try to build a relationship? She knows she could easily get it back. I was the same way you were with your ex. I was texting him and saying I missed him and loved him, and he said the exact same things back to me so it's been very confusing. Today, I haven't text him at all. It's the first day of no speaking, which is a first for us for about 3 years and 2 months now. We usually talk every single day. Already, I have 7 messages in my inbox from him. I don't know if this means something good is coming out of this space, but I know that distancing myself from him is driving him insane. And maybe that's enough for some couples to get back together. I really hope you are able to get through this. The only thing I can say is make it seem to her, even if you aren't, that you are the strongest person she'll ever know. People envy the hell out of others' strength. Link to comment
Missher Posted February 16, 2012 Author Share Posted February 16, 2012 So I just found out that I'm almost positive she has been seeing this guy since freaking September! SO MAD right now! I don't even want her back! How someone look me in the eyes and tell me they love me yet be seeing a guy for that long!!!! Truly disgusted right now! I hope she realizes what she lost and in a month or too crawl back so I can shove it in her face!!!!! Link to comment
ghengisT Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through. As mentioned in another post, you begged for her back & she's now free to form an image of you as 'weak'. I'm no expert, as I'm going through a similar situation. I didn't go as far as begging, but implied that I wanted to be together & have no desire to be w/ other women, etc.. Bad move on my part, for my dignity & self respect, even though I broke up w/ her (she told me that her feelings for me disappeared after 4 yrs). You need to think about a few things; Self-reflection if you will: A. If your significant other is willing to do that to you, do you really want them in your life? B. Needs of yours that were not being met in the relationship? (This was a big one for me) C. Maybe she did you a favor, rather this happened sooner than later, and you have less ties together (i.e. kids, house, etc) I know this is a support forum, but I'm looking at your profile name- it suggests that you're not being your own man. If you have ANY chance at reconciliation, later, much much later, you HAVE to be your own man. Be the man for yourself, before you can be the man for others. My breakup has totally opened my eyes, allowed me to reconnect with my social life, talk to other girls (there are plenty by the way), and realize the goals & ambitions I lost when I got comfortable with her. I was shopping for engagement rings when my Ex sprang this on me, now I look at my life (it's only been 2 weeks lol), and realize I have so much more to accomplish. I'm going back to college next semester to work on my masters degree, I'm going to start body-building, * * * * it's her loss. But, it took losing her to show me that I wasn't doing things for myself. Way I see it, if there's any hope of getting her back, focus on you, keep contact short, DO NOT INITIATE (that's her job now- happy bday messages are ok to let her know you're thinking of her), and keep in mind "We cannot control the way others feel about us". Feel free to browse my most recent threads, there is a ton of good advice from other members that has totally flipped a switch in my brain, from being drag, to the man. Link to comment
Missher Posted February 17, 2012 Author Share Posted February 17, 2012 Yeah I hear ya. Well I've been reflecting on it and i didn't beg persay. We both cried and I just told her id be willing to work thru it and how much I loved her but screw that. She threw away 6 years, and I'm hurt yes and it's funny case I'm bodybuilding now too haha. I just don't understand her, up until the day I found out she was sooooo lovey. Making plans for the future and boom, I'm no longer her interest and she doesn't care! That is what makes me mad. Link to comment
Missher Posted February 17, 2012 Author Share Posted February 17, 2012 And why even text me back on valentines day and say you "love me to death". How can I get over this girl!? Link to comment
Scuza Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 She's been feeding you breadcrumbs, stringing you along as an option, as Saffron said. It's easy for her to move on because she's already moved on, she's had a headstart on you. Getting over her will happen, but it may take time. It is not something that happens overnight. Things that might help are the "NC Challenge" and "Post here instead of contacting your ex" threads here on ENA. The former can be helpful by keeping you focused on a goal, which will help get through those tough first few weeks, while the latter can be therapeutic just to vent on (even if you had no intention of contacting her). Onwards and upwards, my man. Link to comment
Missher Posted February 17, 2012 Author Share Posted February 17, 2012 Wow today can't be any worse. I saw her and the guy she cheated with out to eat. I wanna vomit. Link to comment
Missher Posted February 17, 2012 Author Share Posted February 17, 2012 Oh I forgot to mention, the guy she cheated with is actually her boss at a hotel! How can that even workout!? Link to comment
learning2relax Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 What guarantees do you have that she wouldn't do it to you again? Why would you want to get back together with her if she was so good at cheating behind your back? Link to comment
ghengisT Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 She's been feeding you breadcrumbs, stringing you along as an option, as Saffron said. It's easy for her to move on because she's already moved on, she's had a headstart on you. Getting over her will happen, but it may take time. It is not something that happens overnight. Things that might help are the "NC Challenge" and "Post here instead of contacting your ex" threads here on ENA. The former can be helpful by keeping you focused on a goal, which will help get through those tough first few weeks, while the latter can be therapeutic just to vent on (even if you had no intention of contacting her). Onwards and upwards, my man. I 2nd this post. Some things you may want to read into are the process of breaking up, in which it breaks down the individual steps. The first phase is denial, and that occurs when one member has begun moving on and the other hasn't caught on or doesn't want to believe it. My Ex sprang this on me Tuesday night, and Thursday I came to the realization that I was in denial & some bargaining had taken place on my behalf. She was more than happy calling it a 'break' so she could maintain that level of comfort which she desires. Upon my realization, I called her to break it off & stripped away the comfortableness aspect for her. Now she's reaching out for me. "Yeah I can play the game too.." The breakup is followed by an entire grieving process, almost identical to the death of a loved one. It's pretty trippy when you understand & stop allowing your emotions to control your actions, and start applying the logic to your decisions. NC is the only choice you have, and if you stick to your guns, it puts you in control of the situation. She'll be reaching out to you again, I can almost guarantee it. This is when it gets hard because your emotions will provoke you to take action, and your logic has to step in. Something that's working for me is whenever I get a text or message from her, call a close friend so they can encourage & reinforce your decision (I had to do this last night - it works wonders). Learning2Relax actually helped me out on not returning the text/FB message.. she went after me twice in one night Best of luck my friend! Link to comment
Missher Posted February 17, 2012 Author Share Posted February 17, 2012 Thanks guys, I almost texted her last night to * * * * * her out cause I saw her with him but I didn't. I hope she realizes what she lost! Link to comment
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